"Do you want a drink?" Clara asked as she shut the door behind her.
"No, I'm good thanks," James answered as he stepped into her living room. He really was starting to feel more at home here and knew he was going to miss it when Clara inevitably left him.
"Okay, so what is it that you want to talk about?"
She really had no idea what it was he wanted to say, especially since he seemed so sad.
"Let's sit," he suggested as he took her hand and lead her to the couch.
"Why do I feel like you're breaking up with me?" Clara said and gave a nervous laugh. She may have just come to admit that she was torn between the man in front of her and his brother, but the idea that James didn't want to see her any more was making her heart sink.
"No, not at all." He took her hand in his again and brought it up to his lips, placing a very soft kiss on her knuckles. "I just have somethings that need to be said. That I need to stop hiding from and holding on to."
"Okay, I'm all ears."
He smiled at her and wished so much that he could just show her what he felt in his heart. It would just be so much easier to carry her into her bedroom and open up to her in a way that he never had before with anyone, but he knew he couldn't and likely may never be able to. No, he had to rip the band-aid off and tell her instead.
"I don't really know how to do this because I've never done it before. So I'm sorry if it doesn't come out right.
"James, just tell me whatever it is."
The truth was, maybe she should be honest with him, tell him exactly what was going on with her.
He took a deep breath. "You are a very special woman Clara Oswald and I've never met anyone like you in all of my life. I know that we agreed this would be something that wasn't serious, that I wasn't the boyfriend type, but you have made me feel things I never thought I would. And before I tell you what I need to tell you, I need you to know just how much you mean to me."
"James, I…"
"Please, Clara, I just need to say it. I know you don't likely feel it and I'm not expecting anything in return, but you have made me feel things I didn't think I was capable of feeling because I never let myself get close enough to anyone. I couldn't. But you've changed that."
James paused, trying to get the courage. It was best to just say it.
"Clara, I love you."
The words left with his breath and were now out before he could change his mind or hesitate longer. He had said the one thing he had never said to any woman and it was crazy to think at his age he had fallen in love for the first time. He looked at Clara and gave her an awkward smile, waiting for her to say anything, but she wasn't and instead just giving him a sad smile.
Clara couldn't believe he had said it. She knew his feelings were changing, but she hadn't known that he was full blown in love with her. She should feel over the moon, but how could she when she was so torn. She really needed to tell him the truth.
"James, I care about you very much and I'm so touched that I've been the one to make you feel that, but I'm just not there yet."
"I know you're not and that's okay because I'm not going anywhere. I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. But," he took a deep breath again. "there's more I need to tell you and I know you're not going to like it."
"Okay," she replied hesitantly.
"In fact, I'm pretty sure you're going to hate me and that what we have is going to be over. Which is why I had to at least tell you what I was feeling. That you have not just made me fall in love, but you've also helped me to get my brother back."
Now she was really confused. "What do you mean?"
"The truth I'm about to tell you, I needed to tell him first. As my brother he had that right and as the woman I love, I need you to know too." James inhaled deeply and slowly let his breath out. "John was right about me."
Clara started to feel her heart slowly fall into her stomach. She was pretty sure she knew what this meant, but she needed to hear him say the words.
"Right about what?"
"The drugs. I've never gotten out of the business."
Clara stared at him, processing what he had just said.
"What?" She finally asked.
"I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm telling you this because I want to get out of it. I don't want to be a part of that world anymore."
He was speaking and Clara could hear him, but the words made no sense. How could this sweet man be a drug lord and how could she have been so stupid?! Again.
"You've been lying to me this entire time."
She was staring at the wall across from her, not able to look him in the eyes.
"I had to, but I'm telling you the truth now."
"Oh, so because you've suddenly got a conscience, it's supposed to be okay?"
"No, of course not."
He could tell that anger was hitting her and she had every right to be. She continued to stare at the wall, not saying anything and it completely unnerved him.
"Can I explain?" He asked quietly.
"Explain what? What could you possibly explain James? You never changed when you left Glasgow. God, I'm such a daft idiot."
"No you're not. I am."
She finally turned and looked at him.
"I let you in. After your brother broke my heart, I trusted you. You! A fucking drug lord! John tried to tell me and I wouldn't listen to him. God you damn Smith brothers have really fucked me up."
"Clara, I know you're angry and you have every right to be, but I'm far from a drug lord."
"What the fuck are you then?"
"I'm a dealer."
"What's the difference?"
"A lot, but the biggest difference is I'm not running a massive organization. It's small and for the most part harmless."
"Harmless?! I was kidnapped, remember!?" Clara yelled.
"I know and I'm so sorry for that, but that had nothing to do with what I do now."
"Jesus, James, you make it sound as if this is no big deal."
"Because it's not to me. I've been doing this my entire life."
"Then why get out, why tell me this now?!"
"Because I love you! I've gone and broken the one rule I've been able to keep for years. I couldn't fight my feelings for you and I couldn't neatly compartmentalize like I normally do. You have turned my orderly life upside down, Clara, and here's the thing, it doesn't bother me one bit. It should, should be like nails on a chalk board to me, but it's not." James paused giving Clara a chance to react, but she didn't. "You make me want to be a better man. And I know that sounds cliché, but I don't know how else to say it. I never wanted this life, but it's what happened and I was always too scared to change, but for you I want to."
There was just too much information coming at Clara and she didn't know what to think or what to say. She all of a sudden felt like she didn't know the man that was in front of her and she wanted him out of her flat.
"You need to go," she said calmly.
"Please just let me explain everything," James pled.
"You've said enough."
"But I haven't told you how this all started."
"I don't care. You lied to me and you let me get close to you, knowing that you had this secret life and the issues I had with trust. Please just go."
James looked at her as she looked away from him. There was no sense trying to talk to her while she was this angry, so it was likely a good idea that he leaves. He stood up and walked towards the door. Clara followed him and as he opened the door he turned.
"I'm really sorry Clara."
She said nothing in return, so James turned and walked away, hearing the door slam behind him. He had just done the scariest thing he could ever imagine and got his heart broken in the process. He knew he needed to give her space, but he also knew that she would need someone to talk to, so he took out his mobile and called the only person he could.
"Hi," the Doctor said on the other end.
"Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I told Clara the truth."
"And how did it go?"
"You've been on the receiving end of her anger, so I think you can imagine how well it went."
"Sorry."
"It's what I expected, but she could likely use a friend right about now, so if you're not busy you may want to go over."
The Doctor didn't think that would be a good idea considering Clara hadn't returned any of his calls in a few days. Seeing his face was likely the last one she wanted to see.
"You don't have to, but I just thought she could use a shoulder to lean on and since you're the only other person who knows the truth, you're about all she has right now." James could sense his brother's hesitation.
"Yeah, okay." The Doctor finally agreed, knowing James was right. "I'll pop by in a bit."
"Thanks." James felt better knowing that John would be there for her and maybe he could explain what she wouldn't let him do himself.
Clara slammed the door, taking her anger out on the wooden barrier between her and him. How could she have been so stupid and why was she always getting hurt? Once again, she let her guard down and got lied to, except this time she had no idea how to process it. She wanted to scream, yell, anything, but right now more than anything she felt angrier at herself than she did James. She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine, needing something to take the edge off, then went back into the living room with the glass and bottle in hand. She flopped down on the couch and reached for her mobile that was on the coffee table. She was just about to call Amy and stopped, realising that she couldn't talk to her about this. It wasn't like when she had found out the Doctor was cheating; this was completely different.
"Damn it!" She yelled as she tossed her mobile back on the table and threw her head back on the couch.
She wasn't sure how long she sat there, when she heard a knock at her door.
"Go away!" She yelled, assuming it was James.
"Clara," the Doctor said through the door.
Great, the only other person she didn't want to see picked now to show up and talk. This night was just getting better and better. She got up and walked over to open the door.
"What do you want?" She asked gruffly.
"James thought you might need someone to talk to."
"He called you?"
"Yes, he's worried about you."
"So what, you two are best friends now?" She asked as she turned and walked back into the living room.
"No," he answered as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "But he did come and talk to me."
"And you're not pissed off?"
"Sure I'm angry, but I understand the situation he got himself into. I'm just glad that he's finally stopped lying to me and we can move forward. But what about you? What are you feeling?"
The Doctor sat down on a chair near the couch, Clara was sitting on. He didn't want to invade her space and to make it clear he was only here to be a friend.
"Hurt, angry, confused. He had the nerve to tell me that he loves me and then drops this on me, as if that was supposed to make this better."
"I don't think that's why he told you he loves you."
"Then why tell me? Why not just be honest with me and leave love out of it."
"Because he was wanting to be honest, Clara. With everything. It took a lot for him to say those words to you because he's never said them to anyone else. He would never just use it as a means to make the news he's a drug dealer better."
Clara slumped forward, putting her head in her hands that were resting on her lap.
"Why can't I just once have a normal fucking relationship," she mumbled.
"How do you feel about him, Clara?"
She looked up and stared at the Doctor. Was now the time to be honest with him about how she was feeling?
"I can't love a drug a dealer. I don't want to get mixed up in that life."
"But prior to knowing he's a drug dealer, how did you feel about him? Do you love him?"
"I like James a lot. And in fact I could see myself falling in love with him, but I haven't opened my heart to him for fear of being hurt again. Which clearly, I was right about."
The Doctor didn't know what to say to her. He could tell that she did care for his brother a lot. That was obvious from the little interactions he had seen between them, but his mistake put them all in this situation and he wished he could somehow make this better for all of them. If he had just been honest from the start, he would have broken things off with Rose and tried to pursue something with Clara. He'd likely be with her now and she wouldn't be going through another heart break and certainly wouldn't have been pushed into the arms of his brother. As much as it pained him, he needed to make this right for her and if she wasn't going to be with him, he had to at least give James a fighting chance because he knew he loved her the same as him.
"Clara, I know you don't want to talk to him right now, but you really should listen to what he has to say once you've had a chance to calm down and process it all."
"Are you seriously trying to get me to give him a second chance?"
She couldn't believe that the Doctor would advocate for her to do that. Not after all the feelings he had about his twin or the feelings he had for her.
"His story isn't so black and white and he deserves to be able to tell you how he ended up where he did. Then you can decide what you want to do."
"He told you what happened?"
"Yes, but it's his story to tell, not mine."
Clara sighed, knowing that whatever the story was it was enough to cause the Doctor to be advocating on his behalf, something she thought he would never do, especially after the party last week. She was sure that he still had feelings for her, but here he was, trying to convince her to give James another chance.
"I just don't get it."
"Get what?" He asked.
"You! One second you're trying to kiss me and the next you're trying to push me back towards the one man you didn't want me to be with." She was starting to get frustrated with all the confusion.
"I'm sorry about that. I've been trying to call you to apologise, but you wouldn't answer or ring me back. I shouldn't have done that, Clara, and I truly am sorry about it."
"Oh you know what? I'm done. I think I need both of you to leave me alone."
"I'm just trying to help as a friend. I promise you I won't push you anymore."
"No, I'm just so tired of you toying with my emotions."
"I'm not doing that."
"Yes you are! You've been doing it for as long as I've known you!" She was starting to get angry again.
"I'm not going to fight with you Clara. It's James you're angry at, not me."
"No, I'm angry at both of you! The two of you came into my life and did nothing, but fuck it up, while fucking me."
"Neither of us forced you to have sex, I'll remind you." The Doctor answered, sternly. He knew she was angry, but he wasn't going to sit back and let her place all the blame on
him. "You're not innocent in all of this, you know."
"Really?! Because you're the one who couldn't keep your dick in your pants long enough to tell me you were engaged! I started something with you because I thought you were
free to do so, but you weren't and you let me continue to think that while you fucked me!"
"You were never just some shag to me! I fell in love with you! And yes, I was a tosser for not being honest, and I live with that mistake, but what did you do? You ran to my fucking twin and fucked him because you were too stubborn to admit you still had feelings for me!"
"Get out." Clara didn't want to hear anything more from him.
He knew he pushed things too far, but he couldn't stop the words from coming out. He wanted to take them back, but it was too late for that.
"I'm sorry, Clara. I shouldn't have said that."
"Just get out. You were clearly thinking it, otherwise you wouldn't have said it."
"Please, Clara."
"No, can you please just go and leave me alone and tell your brother to do the same."
He knew there was no sense in continuing this conversation now. She was hurt and he was the last person she should have been talking to. He stood up and walked towards the
door.
"I really am sorry about everything, Clara. If you want to talk once you've calmed down, you know where to find me. But I promise I won't bother you again. I leave the ball in
your court and if you don't ever want to see me again, you won't have to."
He walked out, closing the door behind him. He hoped he wasn't walking out of her life forever, but maybe that's what he needed to do. Maybe she would be better off if they never saw each other again.
For the second time that night, Clara watched a man she cared about walk out of her flat. She had never been so confused in all her life and could only deal with it the only way she knew how. She walked into her bedroom and pulled out her suitcase, calling Donna, her boss, during the process. She needed to get away and she needed to do it now.