V.
"I just don't understand why she automatically has to assume the worst!"
Triss was pacing back and forth erratically, still terribly upset about her fight with Yennefer. What made it worse was that she also felt guilty about how she approached the situation, as Yennefer had always been helpful and supportive towards her and her education. It seemed that the other woman did want her to succeed, which was why she encouraged her to apprentice for a sorceress that she clearly still had some issues with. Yennefer knew that Philippa could help her, and in the end, that seemed to win out above all else.
And perhaps Triss should have been more sympathetic towards her situation. Whatever had happened between her and Philippa obviously did not end well. Yennefer was just trying to look out for her, wasn't she? She wanted to make sure that she was safe, both physically and emotionally. Shouldn't Triss be grateful for that?
But then there was this other part of her that was still so angry about it all. Whether Yennefer was looking out for her or not, she shouldn't have jumped straight to the assumption that Triss was cheating in some way to get her results. Even if she believed Philippa capable of using questionable methods for her own gain, that did not mean that Triss automatically would as well. And it wasn't as though Philippa was using magic-enhancing substances either! Well, at least not like that. Perhaps leashing was a magical-enhancing ritual in its own right, capable of having just as many highs and lows as a drug. So then was Yennefer right?
Was she just using some kind of shortcut to get what she desired?
"Using an advantage is not cheating, pet."
"I told you to stop reading my thoughts!" Triss exclaimed in her wave of anger before she remembered who she was speaking. "Mistress. Please."
"Don't request something with a 'please' if you feel strongly about it," Philippa told her, resting on the edge of her desk as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Demand it of me, and maybe then I'll respect it."
"Fine, then… then get out of my head!" Triss demanded. She wished it came out more self-assured than that, but it was a start. "I'm trying so hard to be the person you want me to— No, that I want to be; powerful and confident and important. I can already turn into such a mess around you, so if you knew what I thought, then… believe me, it would be so much worse. I can't handle that on top of everything else right now, so just… just stop."
Amusement tugged at the edges of Philippa's lips. "If I knew what? That you desire me? I don't have to read your thoughts to know that, so I wouldn't concern myself with something like that if I were you."
Triss internally groaned, fisting her hands over her eyes. Philippa chuckled.
"Come here."
Triss's legs obeyed without permission from her brain, for if they had, Triss would have certainly not gone near her. Being this close to Philippa made her heart race and her mouth go dry, and now with the way the woman was looking at her…
"While your hero-worship is absolutely delicious," Philippa began and, oh, suddenly Triss felt a wave of desire that did not originate from her. Philippa touched her cheek before her thumb dragged across the expanse of the younger woman's bottom lip. Her eyes were dark, and Triss' breathing shallowed. "And as much as I would revel in taking advantage of it and educating you in an altogether different way, despite the rumors and the assumptions to the contrary, I actually do take this kind of relationship seriously and do not wish to taint it."
Oh.
"You are disappointed."
The base of Triss' abdomen tightened, her shame conflicting quite terribly with her frustration. "I said stop."
"That was an assumption based off of your expression. I was not reading your mind," Philippa clarified, letting her hand fall from the other woman's face. "Which, let me assure you, I have not done once purposefully. When you were arguing with Yennefer, I could feel your distress but could not specifically read why due to the distance between us. Now that we are closer, however, it is far easier and rather instinctual to look inside all of you, which I'm sure would be true in reverse, if only you were able to get of your own head."
Wait… really?
For some reason, Triss never even fathomed that she could have the same advantages over Philippa as she did over her. That wasn't how their relationship was supposed to work, wasn't it? Triss was the subservient to Philippa's domineering nature. But then again, when they performed the leashing, it did go both ways, so maybe…
It took a lot longer than Triss was proud of to finally get out of her own head, but when she did— Triss hissed, her entire face flushing red at the images inside the other woman's mind. Philippa's smirk widened, apparently endlessly amused by her little stunt. "You did that on purpose!" Triss accused, now very much unable to get the thought of Philippa's hand between her thighs out of her head. The feeling was consuming her, and her insides clenched in desire as the sound of Philippa's labored breathing echoed in the back of her mind.
Triss balled her hand up into a fist, her nails digging into her palm. It was the only thing she could do to distract herself.
"Of course I did," Philippa admitted unapologetically. "I knew you would attempt it, and while I wanted to know if you could, I also did not need you having free reign inside there. I knew that would shock you enough that you would not dig deeper and, as demonstrated, I was correct. But now that we know you can, I will ask the same of you as you have of me; do not purposely go looking inside of my head, do you understand me?"
Triss swallowed, her cheeks still tinged maroon. "Yes, Mistress."
"Good. Now, do yourself a favor and remember what I said, and what you saw, as your ridiculous insecurities – especially where your attractiveness and your worthiness is concerned – are not helping matters. You are a beautiful woman, Triss Merigold. Maybe you didn't start out that way, but neither did I. In the end, who we were does not matter – only who we are, and who we hope to become. Recognize that you are something to be desired and hold yourself as such, and perhaps I may one day forget that I do have at least one moral standpoint I try to uphold."
Triss' eyes widened a little, hardly able to believe that Philippa would even consider something like that. She still felt so very small in the wake of Philippa's presence, and constantly feared that she would disappear in either her or Yennefer's shadow.
"…Really?"
"Truthfully, no," Philippa reevaluated and responded, making Triss deflate a little. "As you no doubt have already realized, sex can destroy relationships, and I still have uses for you. But you will not be my apprentice forever, pet," she reminded her, her fingertips tracing the shape of the younger woman's jaw. Triss exhaled unsteadily, her whole body flushing in desire, "and I would be lying if I said I did not wish to indulge in all that you had to offer me, at least once."
Oh. Oh my Gods.
Triss was torn between feeling as though she had ascended, and fearing that Philippa was merely toying with her for her own amusement. Yennefer had warned her about getting emotionally hurt, but it wasn't as though Triss wasn't already prepared for the possibility regardless. It was becoming very apparent that she was developing a crush on a woman who was only meant to instruct her, and those types of things never ended well. So if Triss was to get her heart broken anyway, wouldn't it at least make it worth it if she was able to sleep with her first?
Gods, Yennefer was going to be so angry with her; she warned her about Philippa's sexual prowess and the emotional destruction it could cause, and yet Triss wished to climb right into the alligator's mouth.
—Shit. Yennefer.
"What is it?" Philippa asked, seeing the expression on Triss' face change quite drastically. Triss took a step back from her, needing to establish distance after realizing what she was doing, what she wanted, and what kind of person that made her.
"I don't— I can't do this," Triss told her, voice quavering. "I mean, not that I think you really want to; or at least, I know that you don't want to now, but—" Triss shook her head, knowing she was rambling. "I know I'm angry with her, but Yennefer is… she's my friend." It was the first time Triss used that word and meant it, and it hurt a little bit because she was unsure if Yennefer even thought of her as such when she was not attaching all sorts of fakeness to it just to spite an ex-lover. "I don't want to get in the middle of anything."
Philippa outright laughed at that, but it didn't sound amused at all. It sounded spiteful.
"Get in the 'middle' of anything?" she repeated disbelievingly. "She did not tell you the details of our brief affair, I take it." Triss pursed her lips, and Philippa scoffed. "The only thing that Yennefer wanted from me is what she is no doubt taking from you, and as something so one-sided could never cause any friction, I wouldn't concern myself with it, if I were you."
Triss' brow creased, and Philippa's brow raised as she saw the genuine confusion there.
"She's never once had you pleasure her?" she asked, although the very thought of it was unfathomable. Triss stared at her in disbelief, but Philippa merely scoffed and continued.
"What a waste. Although perhaps it was foolish of me to assume she'd even suggest it, considering she now has that witcher to lap at her cunt. Why would she want a woman when she finally has a man?"
Oh.
Maybe it wasn't Yennefer who was bitter after all.
"Well, perhaps it's for the best, pet. She would have given you nothing in return, and I do mean that in absolutely every sense of the word."
Triss pursed her lips and, despite knowing that she might be overstepping, cautiously asked, "Did you… have feelings for her?" Considering the amount of bitterness between them, she doubted this was something purely sexual. It didn't necessarily have to be romantic though; for all Triss knew, they could have just been very good friends, and having sex ruined that when they both realized they wanted different things. It would have made sense, especially with Philippa's earlier comment that sex destroyed relationships.
"Of course not. I merely detest women who preach one thing and practice another, and she's still angry that I dissolved our personal and professional relationship over it," Philippa explained, brushing it off. "But honestly, I don't know why you concern yourself with Yennefer of Vengerberg; I know that she helped you by bringing that witcher here, but you don't owe her anything, let alone an explanation. Focus on finishing your thesis, and then you and I may go to Redania. I have spoken to King Vizimir and he has allowed you to return with me. Unfortunately, he is hosting a large banquet at the end of the harvest season, and will have many international guests. He cannot spare the room for you, save perhaps in the servant's quarters."
"Oh. That's…" Not at all the adventure Triss wished to embark on, but she did not want to complain. "That's fine."
Philippa shot Triss a disbelieving look at her compliant reaction. "I, of course, told him that that was unacceptable, and informed him that you would be sharing my quarters for the duration of your visit. I will not have my apprentice sleep in the muck and filth like some kind of mangy dog."
Triss instantly felt stupid for even having thought that Philippa would allow such a thing, and her gaze hit the floor as she meekly responded: "…Thank you."
"Do not thank me. You should have known that those arrangements weren't acceptable for your lodgings. Just because someone offers you something, does not mean that you have to take it, and it certainly does not mean that you aren't worth more," Philippa reminded her. Triss pursed her lips and nodded in understanding, internally kicking herself for getting trapped in that mindset again. She didn't dwell on her mistake, however. Instead, she took a breath, reminded herself that she was worth something, and looked back up to catch her Mistress' gaze.
Triss understood why Yennefer had warned her. Philippa was both incredibly desirable and terribly dangerous, but that was not why Triss liked her. It was this; it was her constant reassurance, her absolute certainly that Triss was worth far more than she could ever realize, and her unwillingness to accept anything less than that. Philippa barely knew Triss, and yet she took her under her wing and helped her learn how to stand on her own two feet, even though she did not have an obligation to teach her anything other than magics and sorcery. She gave a shit, and Philippa's constant grooming and praise made Triss finally feel like she was worthy of attention, worthy of care.
In the end, how could she not fall for that?
[x]
"…I'm sorry."
"For?" Yennefer responded distractedly as she pored over a book that Triss was certain she had stopped reading the second she saw her in her peripheral. Triss pursed her lips, leaning against the threshold of Yennefer's bedroom door.
"For a lot of things."
Yennefer finally looked up at her. The soft light from the candle made her skin glow in the small corner of the room where her desk resided. As Philippa had taken up the office for guest lecturers as well as the largest quarters, it seemed Yennefer did not have space of her own outside of the bedroom she was currently sharing with the witcher. Thankfully though, Geralt was not around. Triss would not have wanted to have this conversation in front of witnesses. This felt… private. Personal.
Yennefer exhaled a slow breath, her gaze never leaving the other woman's. "I am sorry as well."
Triss' brow cinched in guilt, her hip digging into the edge of the doorway. "We are friends… aren't we, Yenna?" Her voice was soft, uncertain, and Yennefer gently sighed, her expression surprisingly understanding.
"Of course we are. What's wrong?"
"No, I—" Triss tried before she realized maybe something was wrong after all. Her face scrunched up in apology, realizing that she had toppled over the edge now, and was just barely holding on. "I like her, Yenna," she admitted softly, her fingernails picking at the peeling paint along the edge of the threshold. Suddenly, she felt very foolish. "And I know it's eventually going to hurt me. She's going to fuck me, she's going to emotionally tear me open and then just toss me aside, and yet I want that. Why do I want that?"
"Because she is beautiful," Yennefer answered for her. She did not sound angry with her, but she looked disappointed. It made Triss feel so very small. "She is powerful, and she… she knows how to make you feel special." Yennefer hesitated for a moment before concluding, "Believe me."
Triss crossed her arms over her abdomen, still a little afraid to move from the threshold and establish permanency in a space that was not her own. "Philippa told me that your relationship was one-sided," she replied, inviting a conversation. Triss was curious, but she also knew it wasn't any of her business, and that Yennefer had the right to privacy in that regard.
It seemed that Yennefer had decided that maybe she should be a bit more forthcoming after all, and corrected, "Sexually, yes. Emotionally… no."
Triss did not comment, and a guilty expression passed across the older sorceress' face. "We were friends once," Yennefer told her, fingernails anxiously drumming on the surface of her desk before she realized what she was doing, stopped, and sat back in her seat with her hands folded in her lap. "Our professional relationship had evolved into some kind of mutual respect, which eventually turned into… well, something that I thought I wanted. I was young. I had never been with a woman before, and instead of experimenting with someone who did not matter, I ended up hurting someone I cared about when I realized I was not physically attracted to her."
Oh. No wonder Philippa was upset.
"She still has not forgiven me. I'm not entirely sure I've forgiven myself, but I am tired of being blacklisted from nearly every mage gathering on the Continent because of her. What I did was not on purpose, and it was a very long time ago," Yennefer told her, voice growing stronger as she solidified the reasons for her anger. "I cared about her quite a lot and, despite what she may claim, she was not the only one who this hurt."
Actually, Philippa seemed content pretending that she had no real feelings for Yennefer, but Triss kept her mouth shut. Yennefer did not need to know that Philippa dismissed their relationship as being unimportant, but the blatant lie that that was did begin to give Triss some cause for concern. What if Philippa's' interest in her was only some elaborate scheme to get back at Yennefer?
"Have you ever been with a woman, Triss?" Yennefer asked suddenly. Triss shook her head, a sinking feeling beginning to make camp in the pit of her stomach. "Do not start with her. If you heed no other warning of mine, please, heed that one."
Triss nodded, unable to find her voice as suddenly a new wave of anxieties and concerns washed over her. She couldn't even imagine the damage to her self-esteem if Philippa was only interested in her because she wanted to make Yennefer jealous, or hurt her in some way. Part of Triss tried to convince herself that Philippa would never have the patience for such a long con, but another part reminded her of the pissing contest that the two women had over her the last time the three of them had been in a room together, and how blatantly Philippa wished to exercise her power over her in front of Yennefer.
What if she was nothing but a pawn in someone else's game?
"I know how impossible it is to not find yourself infatuated with her," Yennefer sympathized, and Triss swallowed the lump in her throat. "She's good at reading people. I assume that's why she calls you 'pet' and grooms you at every possible moment. Yes, I noticed, and yes, I have a pretty good idea of what she makes you call her in return. You are not as subtle as you believe you are."
Triss' ears turned pink. "She doesn't make me call her that," she corrected. "I wanted to. And it's not— it's not a sex thing, it's…"
"I know it's not," Yennefer responded, interrupting the other woman's flimsy explanation of the dynamic between her and her Mistress. "Because if it was, you would already be lapping at her cunt like the obedient puppy you long to be, and you and I would not be having this conversation."
Triss would be offended, if it weren't so obviously true. Instead, she fell silent.
"What is that you want from her, exactly? Do you even know?"
Triss did not respond right away, taking a moment to think.
"I want to matter," she finally told was the most honest answer she could think of in that moment, but it looked like the words broke Yennefer's heart.
"You matter to me, Triss."
"I know," Triss responded softly with a small, grateful smile. "But I want to matter to myself, and Philippa… she teaches me to respect myself. She reminds me that I am important, that I am worthy. I feel… I feel like I like myself when I'm with her, and not just because it feels like she likes me as well."
A deep crease formed between the older sorceress' brow.
"Then I am very sorry I do not make you feel the same."
Triss looked up at her, surprised. She hadn't even thought of it like that, and she certainly didn't mean to imply that Philippa was more supportive than Yennefer was. But it seemed she had regardless, and that Yennefer felt genuinely apologetic that she did not inspire the same confidence within her.
"Yenna…"
Yennefer stood from her desk before coming around and crossing the distance between them. The corners of Triss' lips were turned down into a frown, sadness weighing in the pit of her stomach. "I didn't… I didn't mean it like that," Triss breathed, not wanting Yennefer to feel like she wasn't a good friend, because she was.
"I know you didn't," Yennefer responded understandingly. She tucked a stray piece of hair away from the younger woman's eyes before the warmth of her palm rested against Triss' cheek. "Be wary about how you proceed, Triss. If you're not careful, she will make you fall in love with her, and I… do not know if she is capable of returning it."
Triss pursed her lips, but nodded her understanding. Yennefer smiled, her touch affectionate and caring. Sometimes, she was like the big sister that Triss never had.
"Good. Now, it's late; you should head off to bed," Yennefer instructed. "You still have quite a lot of work to do on your thesis, and I wouldn't want to see your education suffer just because you're preoccupied with your little crush."
Triss scrunched up her nose, but realized that that was really all it was in the end: a crush.
After all, she barely knew Philippa. Maybe she was being a bit too hasty, and getting caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Philippa showed a mild interest in her, and it was only sexually, so perhaps it wasn't time to contemplate jumping off the deep end just yet. Besides, there was also the horrible possibility of Philippa using her to get back at Yennefer, and until Triss could find out whether or not that was true, she should probably try to keep her emotions in check.
Because if Philippa could get her to ascend this quickly, then Triss did not even want to imagine the damage she could cause if she suddenly forced her to crash back into a horrible, bitter reality.
TBC…