XII.

"I do hope you have a good reason for dragging me out of bed this early."

Triss looked at her friend who was seated across from her. They were at a rather upscale inn right outside of Tretogor Palace and, alright, it might be a bit of an ungodly time in the morning, if Triss was being fair. Still, the younger woman gestured to her bowl of porridge with an innocent smile. "Breakfast?"

Yennefer's expression leveled. She still had a bit of makeup on from last night, and the black that was smudged underneath her eyes made her look even more intimidating. Triss wrinkled her nose and dropped her spoon.

"Okay, so… I need to talk to you."

"So I gathered," Yennefer responded flatly, still thoroughly unamused with her beauty sleep being interrupted for a yet unknown reason. "And I'd thank you to do it quickly so that I can perhaps get another few hours of sleep before I have to set off to Skellige."

Triss' brow wrinkled. "Why are you going to Skellige?"

"Triss."

"Fine," Triss huffed, hating that Yennefer was making her spit it out when this was… well, a lot. Emotionally. It was a hell of a fucking lot emotionally, so Triss just… ran. Literally. She called Yennefer and ran, because it just seemed easier than waiting for Philippa to wake up to find out that nothing had changed or, even more terrifying, that everything had changed. "Philippa and I… slept together last night."

Yennefer just stared at her as though she was expecting something bigger than that.

"For the first time!" Triss blurted out, trying to emphasize its importance. Finally, Yennefer looked surprised, although apparently only because she already believed them to be sharing a bed together.

"Really? I had assumed by the way you both were acting last night that you were already intimate." But then Yennefer's expression changed, and she began to look more perplexed than surprised. "She actually let you escort her to a banquet without having bedded you first? Interesting."

"Interesting? Why interesting?" Triss asked, her heart fluttering in her chest. Good interesting? Bad interesting?

The corners of Yennefer's mouth turned down into a frown. "I just never assumed she would be the type to purchase the cow without first tasting the milk, is all. Publicly showing you off like that last night was… a lot," she revealed, and something twisted in the base of Triss' gut. The way Yennefer said it didn't exactly sound good. "She must really believe you're going to do great things if she's pissing a circle around you this early."

"Wait, what?" Triss asked, blinking at the crude imagery that was beginning to show her a very unfortunate picture of what might really be going on her life. She suddenly felt very ill. "You think she's— do you think that's all this is, that she's trying to control me because she thinks I'll be powerful one day?"

Yennefer seemed to realize the mistake she had made, as Triss suddenly looked devastated. "No, of course not—" she tried, but the damage had already been done.

"But that's who she fucks, right?" Triss asked, her octave rising. Some people stared, but Triss barely noticed. The amazing, wonderful night that she just had suddenly felt cheapened by the realization that it could have been nothing more than a way to manipulate her, and it… it hurt. "Powerful people? People who actually matter and can do things for her? You know that's why she left me last night, when that spy called her away and I went to find you, it was because of one of her stupid conquests – some wife of some bloody Duke, who apparently was overheard saying she wanted to leave her husband for Phil. But of course Philippa couldn't have that, because if that woman wasn't married to a duke, then what would be the use of her?"

Triss was beginning to grow more upset with each passing word, her chest heaving with emotion. "She had to fix it. I didn't ask how. I regretted having asked the question in the first place, because of course I will never be the only one who shares her bed. And that's— fine, I guess. I hate it, if I'm being honest, but I don't have any real claim to her so she can do what she wants. I just thought that, maybe, she wanted to sleep with me because she liked me and not because I could give her something, because I didn't believe I had anything of worth to give. But I do, don't I? I have potential, and she made me her apprentice so she could hone my abilities, leashed me so that she could use them how she saw fit, and then bedded me to make certain she had my loyalty. How could I have been so stupid?"

"Triss, stop it. You're making a scene. Get up," Yennefer ordered, getting up from her own chair before she grabbed her friend's arm, forcefully pulling her to her feet. It hurt, but Triss was so caught up in this newfound paranoia that she barely felt it. She just tried to hold back tears until Yennefer had at least dragged her to the room she was renting for the night, shutting the large oak door behind them.

Triss covered her face with her hands. Tears leaked out between her fingers, and Yennefer sighed softly. "You tried to warn me," Triss breathed, her upset weighing heavy on her esophagus. "I'm sorry, I should have listened."

"Triss, stop. You are assuming quite a lot right now and acting as though it's gospel," Yennefer lectured, trying to make her friend see some sense. "Might I remind you that you do not, in any way, know what Philippa's motivations are for bedding you. I understand that your feelings for her, along with the fact that I am certain you are running on very little sleep right now, is making you emotional, but you need to calm down."

"I am," Triss moaned through her tears, knowing she sounded ridiculous but feeling helpless to stop it. "I do need sleep. I haven't… slept at all, after we were finished. I just lied there thinking about how happy I was and how stupid that probably made me, and I don't know what to do. I don't. I thought I could emotionally handle sleeping with her no matter the outcome but as it turns out, I'm not as mature as I thought I was, and that… disappoints me in ways I don't even know how to vocalize, honesty."

It made her seem like the child everyone assumed her to be, and it made Triss feel very small. Yennefer looked at her friend, her brow creasing in sympathy, and Triss sighed softly as she leaned against the door.

"She looked at me like I mattered, Yenna," she told her softly, her voice strained with emotion. "She was thoughtful and patient and so, so good." Triss groaned, a mixture of pleasure and the emotional pain it was causing her. She looked helplessly at her friend. "I don't see how anything could ever compare."

"I'm well-aware of how Philippa performs in that regard," Yennefer responded, her tone a little bitter. "And, frankly, most things, most people… don't." A beat. "Do not tell her I ever said that."

"I won't."

Yennefer looked at her friend, the corners of her eyes crinkling before she reached out to wipe away what was left of Triss' tears. "If you came here for advice, I don't think I have any," she admitted apologetically. "Even when I shared her bed, I didn't know for certain whether she had an interest in me or my position. If it was not me, however, then she was very good at making it seem as though it was. She was a very attentive lover and I see that hasn't changed. I honestly wish I could assure you that what she feels for you in genuine, but I can't. Her sexual history is pretty damning in that regard, and everyone knows there are few lines she wouldn't cross for power."

Triss' stomach sank. That was not the assurance that she wanted, but it was the truth that she needed. Her footsteps heavy, she lumbered over to Yennefer's bed and sat down upon it, staring helplessly at the wall. Yennefer took a seat beside her, a comforting hand being placed atop of her friend's knee.

"Perhaps it's time to think about returning to Aretuza."

Triss looked at her in surprise. "I can't just… fuck her and run, Yenna." If Philippa did have feelings for her, that would certainly end up hurting her. That was the last thing she wanted to do.

"I'm not suggesting you run, but that you give yourself some space. You still have your thesis to present, after all, and should you do well then graduation is upon you. It might do you good to focus on something other than Philippa Eilhart for awhile, is all I'm saying."

"Maybe," Triss whispered, but did not feel good about it. She didn't want to leave Philippa, but maybe Yennefer was right. After all, she was getting so wrapped up in her that after what should have been the best night of her life, she immediately began to crash and burn. A crush was one thing, but an infatuation was not healthy, and not something that Triss wanted for herself. She was obsessing, over analyzing, and becoming paranoid. Maybe it was just due to her surge of emotions and lack of sleep, but either way, it wasn't something Triss was keen on continuing to experience.

"It's not something you need to decide right now," Yennefer reminded her. "And I'm sure you'll be able to think much clearer once you've had some rest, which you can do here, if you'd like. It isn't as though I haven't shared my bed with a woman before."

Triss rolled her eyes, watching the edges of her friend's lips quirk in amusement. Still, she was grateful for the offer. She didn't think she could return to Philippa in this state, as she was certain she would do or say something she might regret. This was all so delicate, and Triss was terrified of fucking it up.

So she stayed, she slept, and when she woke up Triss looked up at the woman she was snuggled against and wondered if she hadn't made an even larger mistake by staying there.

"You still look upset," Yennefer noted sleepily, having woken up herself once she felt Triss stir. She actually looked kind of cute when she was waking up; she could only look at Triss with one eye and her hair was all disheveled around her face. Triss knew better than to say that out loud though, as Yennefer of Vengerberg prided herself on being sexy and intimidating, and this was very far from that.

"She has to be awake by now," Triss responded softly, guilt weighing heavy in her chest. "She must have realized that I'm not there. Even if she is just using me, that still has to hurt. Fuck. I'm such an asshole." Triss covered her face with her hands and groaned, wishing that things were easier.

Now that she had a chance to rest she could think clearer and didn't feel like she was spiraling anymore, but that what if still hung in the back of Triss' mind and loomed over her like a dark shadow. Triss didn't want to automatically assume the worst, but there was still this small part of her that wondered if she would ever be good enough to be loved for who she was, and not what she could do for others. After all, it seemed like people only wanted to get to know her after she proved to be talented, or after she became beautiful. Even Yennefer, who was arguably her closest friend, did not give her a second glance until she made it to the top of her class.

"I wouldn't concern yourself over it," Yennefer told her as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched. "If I know Philippa, and I do, she will either pretend that she didn't notice, or leave herself so that when you come back you'll be waiting on her. If you're afraid of a confrontation, she won't give you one; confrontations are proof that she cares, and she'd rather choke on her own tongue than admit that."

"I'm not afraid of confrontation, I'm afraid of hurting her."

"She won't admit that you did that either."

Triss sighed heavily and rolled on her side to face her friend. She didn't look at her though, instead choosing to pick absentmindedly at the blanket beneath her. "Disappearing was an awful thing to do, and I can't tell her why without accusing her of being disingenuous and manipulative, which I do not want to do," Triss told her softly. "You were right; I was assuming too much. And maybe it's true but maybe it's not, and if it's not and I accuse her of that, I'm going to ruin what may have been the best thing that ever happened to me."

Triss laughed bitterly, the sound coming out hollow. "You know, when I first came to you this morning, my biggest fear was that things were going to change between Philippa and I, and despite how badly I wanted that to happen, I still didn't feel ready for it. So I freaked out and ran, and then I talk to you and suddenly… suddenly it's worse. It's so much worse than I thought, and now I feel stupid for never having considered the possibility that it could all be bullshit."

"…I'm sorry," Yennefer responded softly, the corners of her mouth turning downward in guilt. She gently brushed the hair from Triss' forehead, the line between her brows deepening. "I truly did not mean to ruin this for you. I know how it must seem as Philippa and I used to share a bed, but I would never do anything to impede your happiness, Triss. If anything, I fear far too much that she's going to hurt you, and I do not want to see that. There's a part of me that already wants to kill her just for her reputation causing you this much distress and paranoia, and believe me when I tell you it is taking quite a lot of self control not to go over there right now and do just that. I'm so angry, Triss. I'm angry at her, but I'm angry at myself most of all. You don't deserve to feel like this, and I am very sorry that it's my fault that you are."

"No, Yenna… I needed to go into this with my eyes open," Triss told her, gently covering her friend's hand with her own. "I hope she's genuine, but if she's not, then I would rather be prepared. Being blindsided by it would be so much worse. So even though it hurt, I needed to hear it. I've spent too much of my life being naive and far too trusting. I need to start hardening myself, protecting myself."

"I don't want to be the cause of your pessimism, Triss. I have enough for the both of us already."

"Everyone grows pessimistic with age," Triss told her softly, turning to look out the window. She could see Montecalvo on the hill in the distance and she took a deep breath. "Maybe it's just time I grew up."

[x]

When Triss returned to Montecalvo, Philippa was not there.

Triss sat in the corner of the couch in the drawing room, her knees pulled in to her chest as she obsessively bit at her thumbnail, watching the clock in the corner of the room. It was a couple hours until Philippa finally returned, and when she did she casually addressed her as she strode into the room. "Satisfying the whims of the Duchess of Lyria always runs me so terribly late. I do hope the note I left alleviated any concerns you may have had."

The bond between them seemed… different now, and Triss was unable to tell if Philippa was lying to her. Regardless of whether she was or not though, Triss was certain that the implication that she was off fucking another woman in her absence was meant to hurt her, and it did. "…You didn't leave a note," Triss responded softly, as she had looked all over the house earlier and saw nothing.

"Oh, perhaps I just forgot then."

She breezed past her as she began stripping herself of her coat, and Triss nearly tumbled off the couch in her haste to follow her. Philippa barely glanced at her, and her wake was icy and distant. Triss couldn't bear it.

"I'm sorry."

"You know I'm not interested in your apologies, Triss," Philippa responded frankly as she reentered the foyer and threw her coat onto the rack. Triss would have been impressed with her aim if she hadn't already been so caught up in her guilt. "If it's my respect you want, then make your choices and stand by them."

"I panicked," Triss admitted, hugging the threshold of the door as she looked at her lover with regret. "I don't know why. Part of me was afraid it was just something casual, and that come morning nothing would change, yet another part was terrified that it might be something more and that because I've never had something like that, I wouldn't know what to do with it. That I'd fuck it up somehow." A beat. "…Like it seems I already have."

"And because of your inability to muster up some courage and plainly ask me how I viewed our night together, you fled into the arms of Yennefer of Vengerberg, because she has always solved everything for you, hasn't she?"

Triss stared at her, her stomach dropping into her pelvis. "How do you know I was with her?"

"Does it matter?" Philippa countered, but Triss should have known better. Philippa was ridiculously well-informed, and had spies everywhere. It was why she was so powerful. "I am not upset that you left; you are not a prisoner here, and are free to do as you please. I'm just sorry I allowed someone so immature into my bed; I very much regret it now."

That hurt. Triss felt like her chest was being ripped open and her eyes filled with tears, but they weren't just from loss and regret. Suddenly, Triss felt the need to protect herself with anger, and so she lashed out with, "Because I'm the only one that's immature, right? You didn't just fuck, or pretend to fuck, another woman this morning just to spite me. You didn't leave so that you could have your control back, and keep me waiting on you. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, Phil. If I'm immature, I'm not the only one."

Philippa laughed. "Is this what you want to do? Choose your next words carefully, pet."

"Why not?" Triss asked, her chest heaving with emotion. "I've already fucked it up, so what do I have to lose? At least this way it won't matter to me if you were only bedding me to control me, or grooming me for my power. At least this way I won't feel used."

"Used?" Philippa repeated, sounding awfully offended. "And what use are you to me, exactly? Do tell."

Those words reminded Triss of her father and tears spilled from her eyes. Philippa, to her credit at least, looked as though she realized she might have been a little too cruel. But, true to her word, she never apologized; she stuck by her choices, the good and the bad. Triss wiped her eyes and looked away from her, taking a shuddered inhale of breath. Philippa was not her father, and she was useful. She knew it, Philippa knew it, and she wasn't going to let the ugly little girl inside of her ruin her self-esteem for the woman she had become.

"I'm sorry I crossed the line," Triss finally breathed after a long period's silence, unable to look at her. Now that she had allowed herself a moment to calm down, the anger she felt dissipated and she was left feeling empty and sad. "I should have respected your wishes not to sleep with your apprentices. I see why now you implemented such a rule. It's my fault this has become so messy."

"I make my own choices," Philippa reminded her, owning her part of this. She, too, now had a regretful demeanor, her own anger having washed away in the wake of Triss' tears. "Admittedly, I am human and sometimes make the wrong ones. You were right before; I do have a weakness for women." She reached out then, wiping away the remnants of her apprentice's sorrow off her cheeks. "Especially beautiful, talented ones who smile and laugh like they haven't known the pain of a hundred lifetimes. But you will, Triss. One day, you will, because that is our fate as mages, and when that time comes you'll find yourself drawn to the very same."

Triss pursed her lips. "Is that why you slept with me then? Because I'm too young to have really lived? Because I still find joy in life?" Either way, it still meant that Philippa used her – just not for the reasons she originally believed.

"Your naivety is endearing and your smile infectious, but no, that is not why I slept with you."

"Because you needed to secure my loyalty then," Triss guessed, a slight waver in her voice. She hated saying this out loud, but she needed to know. "Because you believe I'm going to be someone, be powerful one day, and this was your chance to get on the ground floor of it; to mold me exactly into the kind of ally you needed?"

"This kind of pessimism sounds an awful lot like Yennefer," Philippa noted, her expression not leaving any indication as to whether or not the claims were true. Triss' heart beat faster in her chest as she begged for it not to be.

"Answer the question," Triss demanded. "Please."

Philippa looked at her for a long time. "You want the truth?" she asked finally. The way she said that made Triss' chest tighten with anxiety.

"Yes."

"Of course I chose you as my apprentice because you are powerful," Philippa admitted. "I would have been stupid to choose someone who wasn't. And yes, I did plan to mold you in my image, as I will no doubt need you to do certain favors for me in the future, when you have more power and more pull. I very much hand-picked and created my perfect ally, because to be plain, there was an opportunity to do so, and I am not one to let such things pass me by. But you are not the only apprentice I have done this to, and it was not the reason I slept with you because, quite frankly, I knew you'd eat out of the palm of my hand regardless of whether or not I allowed you a taste of what's between my thighs. I already had your loyalty, Triss, and despite this minor setback, I still have it. If I'm wrong, then please, tell me so."

But Triss couldn't. She couldn't even speak. So Yennefer was half-right, after all; Philippa was using her, but it had nothing to do with their sexual relationship. And Triss didn't know if she was allowed to be angry, because why wouldn't Philippa use the apprenticeship to her advantage? Could she really fault her for that?

"I may sleep with people for information or to further my station, but you, at the moment, can give me neither of those things," Philippa reminded her. "Regardless, I already had everything I wanted from you, so to answer your question, pet, I slept with you because at the time, I genuinely desired to. It was something I had wanted to do for quite awhile now."

Triss felt awful. "…I'm sorry."

"You always are."

Philippa sounded tired of her and to be honest, Triss couldn't blame her.

"I should return to Aretuza."

It was the only solution that made sense, and Triss hated that. She didn't want to leave, but they couldn't stay like this either. Whatever they had, they ruined it in a matter of a night. Triss regretted that deeply.

"Perhaps that's for the best," Philippa agreed softly, and Triss' heart clenched in her chest. She had expected her to agree with her, but it still hurt regardless. "Your education should have been my first priority, yet it seems I've failed in that regard. You will fare much better at school, I assure you."

Triss' stomach twisted into knots. She hated how Philippa said that. "You've taught me more than I could have ever learned at that place," she assured her softly. She took a step toward her, wanting to clasp onto her hand to reassure her that this wasn't her mistake, but Triss was terrified to touch her, as she assumed it would not be welcomed. "This is not your fault. Please don't think that it is."

"It matters very little whose fault it was," Philippa told her with a sigh, taking a step back to reestablish distance. "What's done is done. I will not dissolve our apprenticeship nor our bond if you do not want to – as I think making that kind of decision right now would be too hasty – but I believe it's for the best that we do not see one another until after you graduate. Perhaps then things will have become clearer, and we'll have a better idea of how to proceed."

"With what?" Triss asked softly, a little afraid of the answer. "With my education… or with us?" But with the way Philippa was looking at her, Triss already knew the answer.

"There is no 'us', Triss," she told her, her words harsh but her tone gentle. "I'm not saying this to be cruel. I merely refuse to be tied to anyone in that way. Sleeping with you was meant to be enjoyable, but casual. I have other lovers I need to attend to for a variety of reasons, and I will not give that up for anyone. That does not, in any way, mean that you are not 'enough', so do not take it that way. Some day you will be everything to somebody, but that person is not me. I'm sorry."

It was the first time Triss had ever heard Philippa use those words, and her apology somehow cut her deeper as it held more finality than anything else she said. A tear slipped down the younger woman's cheek that she quickly wiped away. She nodded. A part of her expected this, after all.

"I understand."

Philippa looked at her for a long time before she finally exhaled a resigned breath and stepped toward her. Cupping the young sorceress' face in her palm, she gently brushed away tears with her thumb before bringing Triss the rest of the way toward her for a soft kiss. Something in Triss broke and she sobbed against her lips, but Philippa continued to kiss her until she finally stopped crying, leaving Triss with her cheeks wet and her breathing uneven as she realized with vivid clarity that this might be the last time they ever did this.

Philippa stepped away from her, her hand dropping back to her side. "Maybe one day we can continue this, but only after the world has hardened you, Triss Merigold. I'd rather not be the cause of any more of your scars; I see I've left enough as it is."

Triss' bottom lip trembled, but she refused to let any more tears fall. As terrible and as hurtful as this was, she knew deep in her heart this was for the best. Their age difference had left them with very different views of the world and until Triss experienced more of it, they would never come close to being on the same page.

"I'll miss you," Triss breathed, because she would. She would miss her terribly, and Philippa's smile was bittersweet as she returned the sentiment in the only way she knew how.

"I know, pet."

TBC…

Author's Note:
You didn't really think I'd write a story without at least a little bit of angst, right? Haha.