XIII.

"I'm not going to Skellige this afternoon, am I?"

Triss stood on the other side of Yennefer's door at the inn, a bag of her things over her arm and tear stains on her cheeks. Yennefer sighed softly, but quickly ushered the younger woman inside. When the door closed behind her, Yennefer wrapped Triss up in her arms, allowing her to exhale her sorrow into the crook of her neck. Yennefer had never really been much of a hugger, but Triss was, and that was why she did it. She knew what her friend needed in that moment, and so Yennefer said nothing as she allowed Triss to fall apart in her arms.

"I did this to myself," Triss murmured miserably, her tears leaking down the crook of her nose. "Why did I think I could have everything? I should have just suffered through my desire for her in silence; at least then I'd still be there. I wouldn't have thrown out my education for a handful of orgasms." The word came out as though she were disgusted with it, because that's all they were, weren't they? Just orgasms. Just casual orgasms.

Triss felt like an idiot.

"You didn't throw away anything," Yennefer told her seriously, stepping away from the woman in her arms momentarily so she could look her in the eyes. "Philippa would have had to have been blind to not to see how infatuated you were with her. She knew this would hurt you. She did it anyway."

Maybe. Triss didn't want to put the entirety of the blame on Philippa because she had made her own terrible choices in turn, but perhaps the other woman should have been clearer before they slept together that it would never really mean anything. Maybe it would have allowed Triss to be more guarded, and realize that she wasn't ready for something like that just yet.

But then again, would the realization have even stopped her? Sometimes it was hard not to make bad choices when they looked that appealing, and Philippa had always been ridiculously, annoyingly appealing.

Yennefer pursed her lips into a thin line, but did not argue with her. "Tell me what happened," she asked finally, sitting down in one of the armchairs in the room and inviting Triss to do the same. "In its entirety."

So Triss did. She tried not to make the account too biased on her own behalf, but that wouldn't have mattered anyway considering Yennefer was always going to take her side regardless. To her credit, Yennefer stayed silent throughout, and when Triss was finally finished she paused for a very long time before she spoke. "So she wants to continue sleeping with you, but only if it doesn't come with the burden of your emotions? Terrible, even for her."

"What?" Triss asked, surprised by the comment. Where was she getting that?

"Did you really not understand the implication of the world 'hardening' you? Once you've had a few dozen heartbreaks and stop viewing sex as something special, then it will be easier for her to pursue the kind of relationship she wants with you."

Oh.

"Maybe that's what I need though," Triss responded miserably. "A bleaker outlook on life. Then I'd be just like the rest of you."

"Look at me," Yennefer strongly encouraged, meeting her friend's eyes. Her expression was deadly serious. "Don't you dare allow that light to go out inside of you. Not for her, not for anyone. You do not want to be like us, Triss, believe me. We are not happy. Why do you think Philippa refuses to get close to anyone? It's not because her multitude of casual lovers are more important to her; it's because she's set in her miserable ways and has been for a very long time now. She doesn't want to change, and at her age, I doubt she ever will. She's just stopped bloody caring; about others, about herself."

Triss didn't know if that was exactly true. Philippa certainly seemed like she cared about her at the time, although apparently not enough to have her stay. "And you?" Triss asked softly, her heart weighing heavy in her chest.

"Me? I was born tired of this world. Nothing has changed since and it's been so long now that I've come to believe that nothing ever will," Yennefer answered flippantly, like that wasn't one of the saddest things Triss had ever heard. She felt sorry for all of them, honestly. Was this her destiny? Was this the destiny of all mages? Because Triss didn't want that.

"But you're different, Triss. You smile and you mean it. You feel it. I haven't seen that in a very long time. You have every reason to be just as miserable as the rest of us, yet you still shine bright. Don't you ever toss that aside for someone. If they are asking you to, then they really do not care much for you at all. Remember that."

"She does care," Triss insisted. Philippa might have labeled it as 'casual', but there was still something there. It wasn't just sex. There was more, but just not enough. Besides, if she didn't care, why would Philippa have been so patient, so understanding and attentive? Why would she be careful to let her down easy, instead of just tossing her out the door? And why, why, if she did not care, did she make sure that Triss understood that her rejection of her didn't mean that she wasn't enough? Why did she care so much about Triss' self esteem that she even went as far as actually apologizing?

"Not enough, she doesn't."

And that was the reality of it, really. Philippa might care, but in the end it wasn't enough. Triss looked down at her hands, feeling rather helpless and alone. "Please don't say anything to her if you see her," she begged. "I don't want to make this worse."

"…I promise I won't bring it up."

Triss stared at her. She didn't like the way Yennefer said that. It sounded… specific. "You think she's going to say something to you, don't you?" Triss realized, her stomach sinking in her gut. Why did they always have to be at each other's throats? This was not at all conducive to the drama-free life she wanted to live.

"Of course she's going to say something to me. She clearly did not like that I was the one you came to when you felt conflicted, and she no doubt blames me for encouraging her new toy to run away from her," Yennefer answered plainly, although didn't seem very perturbed about it. "As amicable as your parting was, I guarantee you that Philippa is angry that it had to happen and she will be looking for somewhere to place that blame. I am as good a target as any in that regard. Perhaps even better than most, as she'll probably accuse me of doing it because of our own history."

"She blames herself," Triss told her, even though she hated that because they were both at fault for how things turned out between them. They both wanted this. They both were unable to control themselves.

"For now," Yennefer responded knowingly. "Give it time. Anyone with eyes could see that she rather enjoyed you, and eventually she will begin to grow angry once she realizes she misses your company. I give it a week before I'm told I need to mind my own business."

Triss' stomach turned over in her gut. "You think she'll miss me?" she sounded hopeful, and Yennefer shot her a look like she should know better than to feel that way.

"Yes, but not enough to ask you to return to her. And even if she does, I think you're well-aware of your current incompatibility. Go back to school, Triss. Graduate. Become your own person, find out how good it feels to be in the forefront instead of the shadows. I'm sure that Philippa taught you a lot, but you don't need her anymore. You've already grown so much and it was a good experience – at least up until the end. Now, it's time to move on."

Triss deflated. Philippa had opted not to officially dissolve their apprenticeship, but Yennefer seemed to think it was best that she move on to different things. Was she right? And if she was, then what did that mean for her and Philippa's bond? She was still leashed to her. While Triss doubted that meant much now that they were separated – as a fair amount of distance seemed to sever the effects – what would happen once she saw her again? Because she would, someday. Even if it wasn't right away, eventually their paths would cross again. It was inevitable.

And Triss had no idea what to do when that day came.

[x]

It took a very long time for Triss not to think about Philippa every day. Eventually though, like most things, her pain began to fade. She presented her thesis and was allotted an early graduation, her hard work paying off. The day of the Aretuza ball, where new sorceresses were set to meet the kings they would serve, Triss was greeted by her dearest friend who had come to congratulate her on her accomplishments. Yennefer found Triss the moment she entered the ballroom, and the young woman's face lit up when she saw her, as it had been nearly a year. They had spoken often through megascope as Yennefer attended to this, that, and another thing around the Continent, but it had been so very long that they had seen one another in person, and Triss was immensely happy that she had come.

"An early ascension," Yennefer noted, a prideful smile on her lips before she leaned in, gently kissing Triss' cheek in greeting. "Impressive. You look well."

Triss smiled, gently pushing her hair over to one shoulder. "I am," she told her earnestly. The deep blue dress she wore was modest yet attractive, and a Temerian pendant hung just over her breasts. "You were right; returning here was for the best. I feel like I've finally accomplished what I set out to do."

"And soon, you will accomplish so much more," Yennefer told her fondly. Triss' smile widened, appreciative of her friend's words. "Where are they sending you?"

"I'm to serve King Foltest," Triss revealed, happy with her placement despite some of the challenges she was sure it would bring her. "I suppose it just made sense, given that I am Temerian. I just hope he takes well to me. I hear he can be terribly stubborn, so I'm sure I'll have my work cut out for me."

"You'll do well, I'm sure of it."

Triss shot her an appreciative smile. "I'll have to catch up with you later," she apologized. "I must introduce myself. Tissaia is already giving me side-eye for lingering too long with you." She could see the Rectoress by the doorway, her gaze nearly burning a hole into her image.

"Oh, it's not just you," Yennefer assured her, glancing over at Tissaia. "She's always wary whenever I return here. She knows I despise this place."

"You do?" Triss asked, surprised. Yennefer had never mentioned that before. She had to wonder why, but Triss also knew it wasn't the time nor place for that kind of conversation. Still, she had to ask, "Then why do you always return?"

"At first it was out of misguided sense of duty. Eventually, however, it was merely to check up on you. Now that you won't be residing here, I doubt I'll be back for quite some time," Yennefer told her honestly, and Triss nodded her understanding. She was appreciative though, that Yennefer would keep coming back just for her. She was like the sister she never had, and was immensely grateful for the woman in her life. She wasn't certain what kind of person she would have turned out to be if not for her.

Triss left Yennefer's side to introduce herself to the King of Temeria. He took well to her and they spoke of many things before he gave Tissaia his approval of Triss' placement. The king was headstrong though, and Triss knew it would take finesse to guide him towards in the direction she needed. However, it was a challenge she willingly accepted as she felt confident that she could do so. Her time not only at Aretuza, but her education from Philippa and the guidance she received from Yennefer had taught Triss an awful lot about not just regular politics, but social politics, and as such, she knew how to play the game.

Eventually Triss left the king's side to find her friend again. Yennefer smiled when she rejoined her, a glass of wine in her hand. "He approved?"

"Of course he did," Triss responded with a small, prideful smirk. She never had a doubt her mind, and to be quite honest, that felt better than anything else. Perhaps she sounded arrogant, but she didn't care. She had finally stopped second-guessing herself, and it felt good. "I'm the best sorceress to come out of Aretuza for many years. He would have been foolish to reject my placement."

Yennefer chuckled. "I'm glad to see you're finally aware of your worth, but I will say that that kind of arrogance sounds reminiscent of your old mistress. The world does not need another Philippa Eilhart, believe me."

Triss rolled her eyes, but inside her stomach did a little flip at the name of her former mentor. She had tried not to think about her today, but now that Yennefer had brought her up, Triss could not help but scan the room, wondering why Philippa hadn't come. Not that Triss would have left with her even if Philippa offered, as she was content with the direction her life was going in, but Philippa said that they shouldn't see one another until after she graduated, and this was it. She had graduated, so where was she?

"You were hoping she'd come," Yennefer observed. Triss sighed softly, turning her gaze back to her friend.

"I don't know what I was hoping for, honestly," she answered as she took her own glass of wine from one of the servants. "Maybe it's better she didn't come. I wouldn't have wanted to return with her. I'm eager to get back to Temeria and start the next chapter of my life, but I'm unsure if I could actually tell her that. When I returned here, all I could think of for so long was going back to Montecalvo. But things have changed, and I'm afraid that if I saw her, I would find that my feelings for her have not. I suppose I'd rather she not confuse me." Triss took a sip of her wine, taking a moment to make certain that's how she felt. She nodded then, as if reassuring herself. "Yeah. It's better she didn't come."

Yennefer looked at her for a long time; perhaps assessing if she really believed that Triss was alright with Philippa not showing up. Eventually, she changed the subject. "How's Keira?" she asked much too casually.

Triss side-eyed her, her gaze narrow. "What do you know of Keira Metz?"

"Only that she was your roommate here, and that time when I called and caught you with your shirt off she was in your bed behind you. I acted as though I didn't notice to spare you the embarrassment, but I have to admit I'm curious about your rebound."

"She's not a rebound," Triss responded exasperatedly. Yennefer shot her a pointed look, and Triss rolled her eyes. "She's a distraction," she finally admitted. "It's not romantic. I needed to stop thinking about Philippa and she was there. It was easy."

"It's ongoing then?" Yennefer asked, intrigued. Maybe she was just surprised that Triss was able to actually hold a casual relationship when she couldn't fathom doing so with Philippa, but Philippa was different. Keira was fun, but Philippa was… something more. Something better.

But that no longer mattered.

"I'm not the only sorceress going to Temeria," Triss revealed, not sounding happy with it. She felt as though she should be enough, but more magic-users in Temeria's court equaled more power, apparently. "King Foltest wants multiple mages on his royal council. Keira is to be one of them as well, along with a sorcerer I have yet to meet. Fercart, I believe his name was. So yes, it's ongoing. Our placement with one another was convenient and we both have needs, so why not meet them with one another?"

Triss did not give Yennefer a moment to respond though. Instead, she turned the conversation around on her. "How's Geralt?"

Yennefer narrowed her eyes and took a slow sip of her wine. "…He's fine."

"Oh, come on. You can ask about my sex life but I can't inquire into yours? I'll admit, I've always been curious how a witcher would be in bed. Is he an absolute monster?" Triss asked, eager for the gossip. Yennefer, however, did not gossip.

"Find one of your own to climb on top of if you're so curious," Yennefer told her, shutting down her friend's efforts to pry. Triss sighed unhappily. Sometimes Yennefer wasn't any fun.

"Or you could just invite me into the bed you share with him," Triss suggested much too casually. A part of her wanted to shock Yennefer for her own entertainment, but another part of her was actually serious, because she honestly wouldn't say no to such an offer. "I know you don't reciprocate, but I wouldn't be adverse to giving you something in return for letting him fuck me."

Yennefer side-eyed her in amusement. "How many glasses of wine have you had?"

"Probably one too many," Triss responded honestly, and Yennefer laughed. She didn't take her seriously, and that was probably for the best, because fucking Yennefer was a terrible idea. Triss had already let sex ruin a relationship she valued, and she should not do it again. Still, at least it gave them both a laugh.

The music was upbeat, the throngs of guests either dancing gleefully or filling their bellies with wine. Triss finished her own glass and set it down before she turned back to her friend and said, "You never told me if she blamed you." Triss didn't know why she just thought about that, but she was curious.

"Philippa?"

"Mm."

"I told you she would, didn't I?" Yennefer answered. Triss' brow rose. If this confrontation had actually happened, then why didn't Yennefer tell her about it? "She attended a mage gathering in Sodden a fortnight after your parting. After the meeting had concluded, she pulled me aside, told me in no uncertain terms that my 'jealousy' was both misplaced and pathetic, and that if I interfered with her personal life again I would not enjoy the consequences. I, in turn, told her that her selfish desire to want your spirit crushed just so she could fuck you without consequence was absolutely disgusting, she called me a slew of colorful names I will not repeat, and that was the end of it."

Triss winced. That… did not sound great. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't need to hear it. Your wounds were still fresh, and hearing about Philippa would have only made it worse. I kept my silence to spare you."

And she had, because Triss knew she was right; hearing about that, at the time, would have just confused and upset her. "…Thank you."

"You're welcome."

A blonde woman who was much deeper into her wine than even Triss was approached them then, grabbing onto Triss' hand. Her dress was cut down to just above her belly button, her breasts magically held together to give her ample cleavage. "Dance with me," Keira demanded, not even bothering to acknowledge Yennefer. "I'm bored."

"You're always bored," Triss countered, but Keira was pulling on her hand dramatically in her drunken state and Triss, knowing she'd reap the benefits later if she merely obliged her, turned to her friend. "I'm sorry. Give me a few minutes."

"Don't apologize. I've taken up enough of your time," Yennefer told her understandingly. "Besides, I only meant to make an appearance, and now I'm behind schedule. I'll be sure to visit you in Temeria soon though. Try to stay out of trouble until then."

"I'm never in trouble," Triss reminded her with a roll of her eyes. Yennefer smirked, her tone light and teasing as she watched Keira pull her friend away into the throng of dancing guests.

"Perhaps. But people change, Triss; you more than most. And at this point, you'll find that very little surprises me."

TBC…