XV.
It was only a few days until Philippa contacted her.
They agreed to meet in an inn on the border of Aedirn, as it was neutral territory. Philippa arrived before Triss despite agreeing to meet at half-past noon, and Triss attempting to be early so that she could have more control over their reunion. Philippa, however, apparently felt the same, and as the innkeeper was directing Triss to the room that Philippa had chosen, the younger woman swallowed down her nerves, stood up straighter, and internally coached herself to keep it together. She had let her emotions get the best of her the last time they met, and she wouldn't allow it to happen again.
Triss had a job to do, and she damn well was going to do it.
Triss' knock sounded demanding, which was infinitely better than being timid and nervous. When Philippa opened the door she was wearing a casual red and gold dress that reached her ankles, and while the other woman wearing a dress wasn't new by any means, she knew Philippa had always worn men's clothing when she needed to feel powerful. The dress showed a level of comfort that Triss wished she had herself, but instead she wore something low-cut and tight, relying more on her breasts than her wits to get the job done. Suddenly, she felt a little pathetic.
As soon as the negative thought passed her mind, Triss pushed it aside. Philippa enjoyed her breasts (or breasts in general, if they're being honest), so there was nothing wrong with using what she had at her disposal. Triss needed to remember that just because she might need a little extra help getting somewhere, it was her results that mattered, not its execution.
"How long will this take?" Triss asked in lieu of a greeting as she stepped into the room. Philippa closed the door, latching it behind her before she cast a protection enchantment. No doubt this spell would make them both vulnerable for a little while, and their safety during that time was paramount. Philippa was the type to not care about pissing off powerful people, and Triss wouldn't be surprised if she regularly had assassins after her. That was the last thing she wanted to get caught up in.
"Not long."
Philippa came up behind Triss and took her cloak, her touch lingering just a little too long as she slid it off of her shoulders. The younger woman pursed her lips. "I'm sorry for how I acted the other day," Triss told her, knowing her own bitterness was not conductive to the goal she had set out to accomplish. Triss wanted Philippa to chase her, but there was only so many times you can push someone away until they don't come back, and Triss didn't want to keep pulling at that thread in fear that it might snap. She turned to look at her former mentor, her brow creasing in regret. "I thought I had moved past feeling abandoned, but as I never had proper closure that feeling seems to have lingered. I shouldn't have been short with you; that was rude."
"I see no amount of persuading you otherwise is ever going to make you stop apologizing for things you shouldn't, but perhaps it was foolish to think I could remake you entirely in my image," Philippa responded, her lips briefly quirking upwards. "You are allowed to have emotions, Triss. But if it means that much to you, then your apology is accepted."
Triss inclined her head in gratitude, giving Philippa a small smile.
"Come," Philippa encouraged, taking the other woman's hand in her own as she led her to the center of the room. "It will be best if we do this on the floor." She let go of Triss' hand then and knelt down, Triss following her lead so that they were facing one another. "I will admit that I'm disappointed though," Philippa told her, her words lingering in the air to make Triss hang on them in curiosity. "I had hoped once we crossed paths again that we could resume our work together. We are much more powerful bound together than we are alone."
"I don't need a mentor anymore, Philippa."
"I'm not suggesting you resume your apprenticeship; I can see you have moved far past that. I was merely offering a… collaboration, of sorts. Of course, if you wish to be free of me, then I will oblige. I would never keep you leashed against your will," Philippa told her as she grasped the dimeritium cuff that lay on the ground next to her. Triss reacted without much though, and reached out to still the other woman's hand. Philippa glanced up at her, an expectant look on her face as her brow rose.
"Why didn't you offer this a few days ago? You're not exactly giving me time to think it over."
"Because you seemed rather desperate to be rid of me at the time, and I doubted my proposition would have been received well."
Well, that was probably true. Triss pursed her lips and pulled her hand away, feeling conflicted. On one hand, their bond was a weakness. However it was a shared weakness, and one Triss could capitalize on should she only find a way to keep her own secrets locked up tight in the process. Being bonded to Philippa and "collaborating" also gave her a reason to be around the other woman, which would be useful in getting information just in case Philippa did not want to sleep with her again. Still, Triss felt wary. Quite frankly—
"You don't trust me," Philippa guessed, seeing the look on the other woman's face.
Yes, that.
"I don't know you," Triss corrected, not wanting her mistrust of her to feel too harsh. "And you no longer know me. Things have changed, Phil. We advise separate kings in separate kingdoms. There's a conflict there that I'm not sure is wise to ignore."
"Then perhaps we should spend some time getting to know one another again," Philippa suggested. Triss looked up at her, catching the other woman's gaze. The way Philippa looked at her made her insides clench, but Triss was careful not to allow her anticipation show on her face. "To help get the trust back, of course."
Triss looked at her like she had to be joking. The whole point of coming here may have been to bed her, but she was going to make Philippa work harder than that. "You can't honestly think I'm that easy."
Philippa burst out laughing. "No, pet. I would never presume such a thing." She got to her feet then, holding out her hand in offering for Triss to join her. "However, a drink seems as good a start as any, wouldn't you say?"
Triss glanced at her hand. She wasn't at all sure she was making the right choice, but it took little thought before she took Philippa's hand, allowing the other woman to help her to her feet and to treat her to a drink. After all, what could one beverage hurt?
[x]
"That is absolutely disgusting."
Triss' empty glass hit the bar top, her expression one of horror at what she had just tasted. She looked at Philippa who was smirking around her glass, sipping the damned thing like it was water. "How you can you honestly enjoy this? It tastes like… tar. Death. Tar and death. Specifically in that order."
Philippa's smirk widened, amused at Triss' aversion to what she called her favorite Aedirnian whiskey. She was leaning against the corner of the bar and the wall, the casual way she was sitting looking so goddamn attractive for absolutely no reason other than the fact that it was Philippa doing it. "It's an acquired taste."
"I'm sure it is. Once you're old enough and your taste buds die. Ugh," Triss groaned, waving the innkeeper over. She needed to get that horrible taste out of her mouth. "Just some ale will do fine, thank you. I'm through being adventurous this evening."
"Oh, somehow I very much doubt that."
Triss placed her tongue over her back molars in exasperated amusement. "Who do you think I am, exactly?" she queried as the innkeep brought her a pint. "Because if you were expecting to drink with the desperate, naive girl from Aretuza, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I'm not going to swoon and spread my legs for you the second you show interest, Phil. Try to work a little harder than that. Maybe then I'll respect your efforts and reward you."
"You'll reward me?" Philippa repeated, laughing at the other woman's audacity. She seemed to enjoy it though. "I get it, pet. You'vechanged. There's no need to go overboard."
"Is this not what you wanted?" Triss countered after taking a sip of her ale, leaning back in her chair as she stared at her companion. "Last I heard, my emotions were burdensome to you. Well congratulations, I no longer have any. Unfortunately, that puts you at a disadvantage because what made you special, Philippa, was how I felt about you. If you strip that away, all you can offer me is sex, and I have enough lovers already to attend to that need. Why do I need you?"
"Because you could have a hundred lovers over a hundred lifetimes, Triss, and not one of them could come close to making you feel how I make you feel," Philippa responded, not cutting any corners. She maintained eye-contact with her, not a hint of uncertainty in gaze. She truly believed what she was saying.
Triss did too.
Regardless, she wasn't going to let her know that. Instead, Triss exhaled an exasperated laugh. "You're certainly cocky."
"I'm certainly correct." Philippa placed her glass down on the table with a thump against the wood. She leaned in a little closer. "You may have your wards up, but you have yet to learn how to control your expressions. I can see in your eyes that I'm right, but you may lie to me if it makes you feel more in control."
"You want the truth?" Triss countered, shifting in her seat to better face her. She leaned in as well, beginning to get antagonistic. She honestly did hate how Philippa just knew things. "Yes, to this day you are still the best lover I have ever had, but you're an idiot if you think bedding me again is going to get the trust back between us. Fucking me is what broke it in the first place."
"No, pet. What broke it was your selfish desire for more, when you should have been satisfied with what you were given."
Triss stared at her in disbelief. That… that fucking hurt. She slammed her mug down and got up. "—I'm leaving."
That, apparently, was not what Philippa wanted, as she immediately got up herself. "Triss," she called out, but Triss did not stop moving towards the door. She was not going to just sit there and be blamed for her own heartbreak; she had done enough of that herself after it had happened, and she didn't deserve to feel that way anymore.
"Fuck you, Philippa."
Philippa grabbed her hand, stilling her movements. Triss was about to whip around and shout at her, but Philippa pulled her down the hall, back toward the room she had rented. Apparently she wished not to do this in public and, fine, Triss could yell at her in private if she wanted. It would probably be cathartic anyhow.
When the door closed, Triss didn't even have a chance to open her mouth before Philippa quickly told her, "It was all I had."
"What?"
"What I gave you, Triss," she explained, looking frustrated beyond belief. No doubt because she had to talk about those feelings she liked to pretend she didn't have. "Maybe it wasn't enough, but at the time it was all I had to give."
Triss looked at her like she had to have lost her mind. "What kind of bullshit excuse is that?" she exclaimed, insulted. "You honestly expect me to stand here and believe that you're emotionally handicapped? That's pathetic, even for you. You want my trust back, Phil? You want me back in your life? Then grow a pair, do what you should have done years ago, and fucking tell me how you actually felt!"
Philippa exhaled a shallow breath, her hands went to the sides of Triss' head, and she dropped her wards. She had never been good with words anyhow.
Triss was hit with everything all at once; the desire Philippa felt for her, the same burning in the pit of her stomach that Triss felt whenever she looked at her. She could see Philippa looking at her in her mind's eye, and felt the other woman's chest constrict at the sight whenever she smiled. Triss felt the loneliness and the anger that Philippa experienced when she returned to Aretuza, and the anxiety she felt now as she showed her all of this.
Philippa cared. She had always cared but hated that she did, and found it was just easier not to get attached. Triss could feel that she still wanted to keep her at arm's length, despite having missed having her around, and Triss couldn't blame her because she felt the same… with all of it. She felt the same. Triss wanted her but she hated that and at times she missed her so badly she could scream. All of her old feelings were rushing back and they were suffocating and awful and yet all Triss wanted to do was get hurt by her again, because she knew the pleasure could end up being very well worth the pain, because it was her. It was Philippa.
Too caught up in her emotions, Triss unintentionally dropped her own wards, and Philippa felt it; she felt everything, and the two women came together in a desperate, angry kiss.
Angry, because neither of them wanted the other to truly feel the extent of their feelings. Philippa opened a door she was clearly having trouble closing now that it was all so raw, and Triss hated herself because she was starting to feel guilty because of the real reason she had come here. It was supposed to be different this time; she was supposed to have control and she was supposed to not care, but Philippa was fucking her up all over again and, like an absolute fool, Triss was letting her because right now, at this very moment, it felt too damn good not to.
Triss tore at Philippa's dress – the stupid casual dress that implicated she was comfortable when Triss clearly was not – ripping one of the straps with the force she used to pull it down her shoulder. It fell further down the other woman's torso, exposing her breasts that Triss wasted no time fitting into her palm. Philippa hissed against her lips, but she snatched Triss' wrist and pulled away from the kiss just enough to speak.
"I won't have a repeat of last time," she panted, her breath tickling the younger woman's lips. "To be clear, I am still not offering more than I already have."
"You're an idiot," Triss told her breathlessly, her tone exasperated as she pushed Philippa against the wall, sliding the rest of the woman's dress down past her hips. It pooled on the ground and Triss leaned in to kiss and bite at the older woman's neck, but Philippa tangled her fingers in her hair and pulled, not allowing her to dismiss this. Her tone was serious, and if Triss didn't know any better, she'd think Philippa was concerned that Triss would walk out on her again. Whatever she wanted, whatever this was, Philippa did not wish to see it end.
"Triss. Tell me you understand."
Triss growled in irritation. "Fine. I understand. Now shut up and let me fuck you." She grasped Philippa's arm then, encouraging the woman to turn around so that her breasts were pressed against the wall. Triss fit herself firmly against her, one of her hands tangling in raven hair while the other fell between her legs, and Philippa exhaled an unsteady breath before chuckling low in her throat.
"Someone's on a power trip. Would you like me to call you Mistress while I lap at your cunt later, or would you like me to fight you for the control you so desperately need right now?"
"You think you're so funny," Triss breathed into her ear, her fingers coated in the other woman's desire. Philippa had obviously been turned on for awhile. "But no amount of mocking is going to overshadow the fact that you've been desperate to get me into bed again since the moment you laid eyes on me. That you'll spew bullshit like 'getting to know one another again' and 'collaboration' because you want me back in your life, be it for 'casual' reasons or not. You want me, Phil, and that's where I get my power."
Philippa chuckled softly as she spread her legs, inviting the other woman's touch. "Oh, pet. You still have so much to learn…" she purred, not allowing Triss to win. Triss tried not to care, tried to believe in her own victory, but because it was Philippa, there was always this small part in the back of her mind that wondered if Philippa was just that good, and this was all bullshit in order to get something that she wanted.
No. She couldn't think like that.
Triss' fingers slid inside of her, and Philippa bit back a groan. "I think I've learned enough, thanks," Triss hissed into her ear, twisting her fingers as she pulled out another breathy moan from the woman beneath her. Philippa reached behind her and grasped onto the back of her lover's head, her fingernails digging into Triss' scalp. Triss fucked her without mercy, her hand already covered in the other woman's desire as she sought to make Philippa sound as desperate for this as she knew she was. The other woman had never been as vocal as Triss was with her moans, but Philippa's breathing was uneven and her chest was flushed as her breasts bounced with each thrust of the other woman's arm.
Eventually, however, she did reach the precipice that Triss knew she was fast approaching. "Fuck— Triss, I need…"
"I know what you need. I just haven't wanted to give it to you yet," Triss told her, because she knew Philippa could only come clitorally. She twisted her fingers inside of her again and the woman beneath her cried out, her own hand dipping between her thighs so she could make herself come. Triss was quick to snatch the other woman's wrist, pulling it away from its destination. "Cheater," she accused, and Philippa exhaled a frustrated breath as she collapsed her cheek against the coolness of the wall.
"Orgasm denial is your new kink, I see."
"Don't pretend you don't enjoy it," Triss countered, holding up her hand and pulling her middle and forefinger apart, a string of Philippa's desire pulled between them as the rest of her palm glinted under the light of the room. Philippa's lips curled into a sly smirk and she turned around before Triss could stop her, snatching the younger woman's wrist in her hand before she made an over-the-top showing of licking her own desire off of Triss' fingers before practically deep-throating them.
Triss was fairly certain that she was the one dripping on the floor now.
"Fuck me," Triss swore, now too caught up in her own wanton need to do anything other than stare at the other woman. Philippa's smirk widened. She knew she had won.
"Oh, I plan to."
Triss was thrown rather unceremoniously onto the bed, her dress bunched around her hips before her undergarments were ripped from her body. Philippa wasted no time taking what she wanted from her, and Triss' back arched and a gasp of pleasure fell from her lips as the other woman's mouth wrapped around the apex of her thighs. "Phil… shit…" she panted desperately, her fingers curling in the other woman's hair as she pushed her hips into her. She could see her lover's hand working vigorously between her own thighs while she pleasured Triss with her mouth, and despite Triss wanting to be the one who made her come, she also couldn't blame Philippa for at least needing a little reprieve after the state she had left her in.
Besides, it wasn't like this was going to be the last time they fucked. Philippa might desire a casual lover, but she also desired a regular one, and Triss planned to be that for her. It was why she came here in the first place, wasn't it?
There was that small pang of guilt again.
Philippa bit the inside of her thigh when she made herself climax, and Triss hissed in pain and dug her fingernails deep into Philippa's scalp. "Fuck. You bitch—" she panted, but she didn't really mean it because she sort of liked the pain, and Philippa didn't care because she knew Triss would always be a little bit of a masochist. The older woman chuckled as she came up from between her thighs, climbing over Triss' body as lithe and as controlled as a panther. Triss couldn't help but stare up at her in anticipation, knowing she was about to get absolutely devoured.
"Tell me what you want, Triss Merigold."
Triss knew the other woman wanted her to say 'you', which was precisely why she responded with, "An orgasm."
Philippa laughed, but gave her what she wanted.
It was absolutely terrible though, as Philippa didn't just give her that. Instead, she spent time watching the pleasure play out across her lover's face as she fucked her; touching her and kissing her and making it seem like she actually gave a shit again, and Triss ate it up like a starved dog because a part of her missed having real passion behind her sex. She grasped for Philippa, begged against her lips for her not to stop, and fell into the trap that was set out for her, because in the end, Philippa wouldn't stop teaching her little lessons.
"Would you like me to demonstrate now why you still need my guidance, pet?" she breathed as Triss' insides continued to contract, her cheeks flushed and her breathing uneven as she rode out her high. Philippa looked down at her, gently brushing a strand of hair away from Triss' eyes. Her expression indicated that she deeply cared, but it was only the hilt that covered the sharpness of her sword. It was intentional. It was calculated.
"Your wards are down and you've been feeling so terribly guilty," Philippa revealed, and a sudden tightness gripped Triss' chest as she realized all of this was about to go down in flames. "Show me why."
When you actively try not to think about something, it ends up being all you can think about, and Triss certainly proved that to be true when Philippa purposely read her mind, looking for the answers she sought. "You have a plan, I assume," Yennefer had said. "Yes, and it largely centers around ignoring her," Triss had responded, but Philippa dug deeper and then she was with Keira, naked in bed and plotting their little attempt at espionage with, "I overheard Foltest tell Bronibor that he is growing concerned over Redania's growing army," and "Please don't tell me you're suggesting I bed Philippa Eilhart for information."
Philippa retreated from her mind and Triss inhaled a sharp breath, going a little pale as she lay there frozen.
"I don't know whether to be impressed that you tried, or insulted that you thought it would actually work," Philippa finally said, and Triss flushed in guilt, turning her face away from her. She should have listened to Yennefer. "Either way, you let your personal feelings interfere with your goals, and that is why you failed. You need to learn to either separate them, or use them to your advantage if you ever wish to get anywhere in life."
Triss looked at her in disbelief. "I attempted to betray you, and all you're concerned about is that I didn't do it well enough?"
"Perhaps I would feel more slighted if this came as any surprise, but I had a feeling your attendance at Radcliffe's banquet wasn't mere coincidence. I have heard rumors of Temeria's growing unease, but I honestly did not think you foolish enough to attempt something like this this early. You still have quite a lot to learn, pet."
Triss exhaled an offended scoff as she sat up, pushing her hair away from her face as it stuck to her forehead and her neck. "Fine. Lesson learned. I'll be leaving now." She attempted to get up to grab her clothes, but Philippa snatched her wrist in her hand.
"No," she told her. "You won't. We aren't finished."
Triss ripped her hand out of her grip. "You said I should learn to use my feelings to my advantage? Was that what you were doing? Was all of this bullshit just so you could manipulate me into dropping my wards? For fuck's sake, Phil, I dropped them very early – you didn't have to fuck me and then immediately trample all over me!"
"You came here under false pretenses to manipulate me, and somehow you've convinced yourself that you're victim in all of this?" Philippa countered, exhaling a disbelieving laugh. "You certainly have a talent for trying to turn things around. Of course I used my own feelings to manipulate you, but that does not mean that they aren't real. You just fall to putty in my hands whenever I touch you like you're all that exists in this world, which, to be quite blunt, I also rather enjoy, which is why I fucked you despite knowing that something was off. If that bothers you though, then perhaps you deserved it after what you attempted, so I'm hardly sorry for it."
Maybe she did deserve it. Triss' face clouded over. "Sexual manipulation is one thing. Emotional manipulation is quite another," she accused, because she didn't want to be the asshole in this situation. She was though, and they both knew it.
"Did you miss the part where I admitted that my feelings for you were genuine?" Philippa repeated, frustrated that she wasn't being heard. "Besides, despite the minute irritation of your failed espionage, I cannot blame you for trying to use our history to your advantage, considering I did the very same thing by getting you placed in the Temerian court for my own benefit."
Triss stared at her. "I'm sorry, you what?"
"Did you really believe that I would just let you walk away without first laying down the path you would follow?" Philippa explained, as though it should have been obvious. "I picked you for a reason, Triss, and I wasn't going to have your apprenticeship end up being a waste of my time. I knew it might take years for you to come back to me, but I knew that when you did you would have to be placed somewhere of use, so I tipped the Chapter's ear to have you placed where I desired. Temeria was an obvious choice because you are Temerian, and I had no influence there. Now I do."
That was… quite a lot to unpack, and it took a few long seconds for Triss to process everything she heard before she clambered off the bed, backing up a few steps to look at Philippa in disbelief. Suddenly, the last few years of her life felt like a lie. She had thought she had earned her place in that court, but now it felt like Philippa had orchestrated the entire thing. It made her feel like little more than a puppet, and that sickened her. Tears filled her eyes, but they were angry more than devastated.
"What the—what the hell is wrong with you?!" Triss shouted, dark lines making their way down her cheeks as her makeup ran. "Is anything in my life real? How could you do this to me?!"
"Excuse me for giving you an advantage," Philippa snapped, upset that Triss was taking this so badly. She had obviously expected some backlash, but apparently nothing of this caliber. "That was why you apprenticed for me, wasn't it? That's why everyone apprentices for me— because I can give them things like that. I made certain you had a good station and a good life, and this is how you thank me?"
Triss covered her mouth and sobbed furiously. She wanted to scream at her, yet she couldn't stop crying. She just felt like her entire life was a lie and it made her feel like she didn't know where she fit anymore. It had been a long time since Triss had felt so lost, yet now the feeling consumed her from the inside out.
Philippa, realizing that she had broken her far more than she had intended to, at least had the decency to look apologetic about it. "Triss. Believe me when I tell you that I never did it to hurt you. I may have had selfish reasons, but I truly believed it was what you wanted. I wanted to give that to you, and I needed to make certain that you were taken care of. Your talents could have gotten you anywhere without my help, but I needed you in Temeria and I believe you're much happier in your own country than you would have been being a stranger in someone else's. That was why I did not encourage the Chapter to send you to Nilfgaard, despite my need for someone there being much greater. Again, I did not do this to hurt you."
"You never mean to hurt me," Triss breathed through her tears, although her crying had calmed down significantly. "Yet you always do."
Philippa sighed softly. "Come here," she requested, holding out her hand. Triss pursed her lips and stared at her, but Philippa wiggled her fingers impatiently and Triss didn't know why, but she felt compelled to do as she was asked. Philippa pulled her back on the bed, allowing the younger woman to sit across from her as she gently wiped the black smudges from underneath Triss' eyes. "I will make it up to you," she promised softly, her fingers tracing the contour of the younger woman's jaw. "For every tear I make you shed, I will give you two times a reason to smile. Does that sound agreeable?"
"You're doing it again," Triss accused in a hoarse tone. "You're trying to emotionally manipulate me to get what you want. Can't you, for once, just give a shit about me without having ulterior motives?"
Philippa dropped her hand and her pretenses. "I do. I do give a shit about you, Triss. But that doesn't change the fact that I need your cooperation and I need your loyalty for reasons greater than our relationship. I have worked too long to have it all fall apart now."
Triss shook her head, beginning to grow upset again. "I can't betray my king, Phil. I won't."
"Your king?" Philippa repeated in disbelief. "Pet, in your lifetime you will see many kings rise and fall, and their insignificant reigns will not matter outside of what they were able to achieve for you during them. You owe them no loyalty, Triss. They have done nothing to earn it. You are the one who will outlast them all, so think of yourself, and what you want from your life and who can give it to you. If you promise to be my eyes and ears in Temeria, I can reward you with power and position. A seat on the Council one day, perhaps? Whatever it is that you desire, I will see it done."
Triss swallowed. When presented like that, Philippa's offer was awfully tempting. But what kind of person did that make her if she betrayed her country for her own interests?
"What's more, I will let you leave here with the information you sought so that you may better secure your position as one of Foltest's trusted."
Triss chewed on her bottom lip, and Philippa could see that she was being swayed. She reached out, cupping the younger woman's cheek in her palm as she told her sincerely, "I will take care of you, Triss. You have my word." Her thumb lingered a little too long on the corner of Triss' mouth, and it made the young sorceress' heart race as Philippa continued to mold her into the perfect ally that she had always wanted.
"All you have to do is say that you'll be mine, and I will give you everything you have ever desired," she breathed, laying it on thick so that Triss never had a hope or prayer. "So say it, pet; promise me. Promise me, and we'll never have to be apart."
Triss knew what she was doing and that she probably couldn't be fully trusted, and yet Philippa knew how to make her absolutely crumble inside and so the words left Triss' lips without the courtesy of a thought or a debate, because perhaps it was stupid to deny the truth of it any longer.
"…I'm yours."
TBC…