XVI.
"So you attempted to bed her for information, only for her to turn around and bed you for information?" Yennefer asked, making certain that she was hearing this correctly. Triss glowered, yet did not dispute the events that transpired between her and Philippa, as that was pretty much what ended up happening.
Yennefer burst out laughing. But not just any laugh; a full-bellied laugh that nearly made her double over with the force of it.
"It's not funny!" Triss exclaimed, furious that she was being laughed at. She knew Yennefer was going to say 'I told you so', but laughing at her was worse. Despite feeling like she was getting a much better deal with being allied with Philippa rather than Foltest, it still wasn't easy to hear about how the other woman had beaten her at her own game.
It was more than a fortnight after Triss had pledged her loyalty to her former mentor, and the two friends had met up on Yennefer's journey north. Triss had wanted to tell her what had happened the second it had transpired, but there was no way she could admit her own treason via megascope. They needed privacy for that, and so Triss waited until she could see Yennefer in person again before she admitted the truth of what happened. The two women were holed up in the inn Yennefer had chosen to stay at. Triss hated being trapped indoors recently, but as the weather was getting colder and ice covered the ground, her days were constantly spent with four walls around her. She missed the sun and she missed the fresh air, but perhaps it was better they speak of this behind closed doors anyhow.
"It's not," Yennefer agreed, laughing regardless. Triss was beginning to regret not keeping this information to herself. "It's awful, yet I knew this would happen. Why do you never listen to me?"
"Because I obviously have a blind spot when it comes to Philippa," Triss admitted, frustrated by her own weakness. "But it's not awful. Philippa can give me things that a mere king never could, and I want those things, Yenna. I deserve those things."
"Perhaps, but they will come with consequences I'm unsure you'll be able to bear," Yennefer reminded her. Her laughter had subsided, and now her tone had returned to one of seriousness. "Getting into bed with Philippa is dangerous, Triss. And I don't mean sexually, I mean politically— although I'm sure you've realized by now the former is just as dangerous. She fucks you and you do whatever she damn well asks of you. Do you even know what she's planning, or why she needs you in Temeria?"
"…No."
Yennefer shot her a pointed look, and Triss immediately felt foolish.
"I know what you're thinking, but she's not using me!" Triss exclaimed, although to be honest she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Yennefer or herself. "She dropped her wards and I know how she feels about me, Yenna. And it's real. It's messy and it's confusing, but it's very much real. She's just emotionally fucking incompetent and can't handle anything resembling an actual relationship, but that's fine because I don't think something like that would work with us right now anyway considering I still don't fully trust her, despite how badly I wish I did. Sex is just easier, in the long run."
"If she feels about you how you believe she does, then it isn't just sex though, is it?" Yennefer countered, and Triss got a little flustered. She hated not having all the answers right now considering she felt like she was being put on trial.
"It is," Triss denied. "Sex with emotion is still just sex. It just feels a whole lot better, that's all."
"Until one day you realize you want more, and find that she cannot give it to you."
"I'm perfectly content with the way things are," Triss assured her. She didn't want to fuck things up again because she wanted more than she really needed. Besides, she now understood why Philippa did not like the idea of monogamy. "I've grown up, Yenna, and it's no longer only her who has other lovers who need attending to. I have my life and she has hers, and sometimes we're going to see each other and have our lives intermingle, but that's it. I'm fine with our arrangement, I promise. I won't get myself hurt again."
"Emotionally, perhaps, but your new political allegiance is liable to get you killed if you're not careful," Yennefer sternly warned. "Philippa crosses lines that many wouldn't even dare look at. Please, please be careful."
"I know what I'm doing."
"You don't," Yennefer told her bluntly. "And frankly, your belief that you do is what is deeply concerning to me."
Triss pursed her lips and looked away from her, upset. She knew Yennefer wouldn't be entirely receptive to this, but she also needed her support. She needed to feel like she was doing the right thing, but now she wasn't so sure. "I have to think about myself, Yenna," she told her softly as she leaned her side against the wall, looking at her friend in the armchair across from her. "Philippa will take care of me. I know she will."
"Of course she will," Yennefer responded with a resigned sigh. "I have little doubt that she'll make sure you never want for anything at all, but I do not like that she tied you to her politically and then left you to fend for yourself. She cannot protect you if she is not here."
"I don't need anyone to protect me, Yenna!" Triss exclaimed as she pushed herself off the wall. She was tired of being viewed as infantile. "I'm perfectly capable of doing that on my own; I'm not a child!"
"I know you're not, but because I love you that fear is going to persist because I very much wish not to lose you, Triss."
Triss stared at her, emotion constricting her esophagus. Yennefer stared at her, apparently very confused on why her friend was looking at her like that. "What is it?"
Triss looked very close to tears. "…You've never told me you loved me before."
Yennefer rolled her eyes. "And that gets you all worked up? You know I love you, as I know you love me. Don't be ridiculous."
But Triss was a ball of emotion, and she flung herself into the other woman's arms to embrace her in a tight hug. "I love you too," she breathed, tears beginning to spill from her eyes. Yennefer exhaled an exasperated sigh, but slipped her arms around her friend's waist, knowing that she must bear the consequences of her words.
"Are we done with that now?" Yennefer asked as Triss finally pulled away, and the younger woman laughed softly through her tears as she nodded. "Good." Yennefer reached out, wiping Triss' tears from her cheeks. "I trust that you did not admit to Keira that you failed, or that you were fucked stupid and turned into a double agent," she assumed, getting back on topic.
"No," she admitted, moving to the chair next to her friend. She sat heavily. She really was fucked stupid, wasn't she? But then again, Philippa just had a way of making her lose all sense sometimes. "Philippa told me that Redania was nervous about Emhyr var Emreis overthrowing and executing the Usurper of the Imperial throne. King Vizimir does not trust him and that is why they began expanding their army. He thinks Emhyr will be a tyrant king, and Philippa agrees. Quite frankly though, I don't know why they're overly concerned at the moment, seeing as the next logical move of the Empire would be to take Cintra, as they have already invaded Mettina and Nazir with nothing stopping them from moving north. If anything, Temeria will go to war before Redania."
"But," Triss continued, waving her hand to encourage herself to move along to her point, "I convinced Keira that information was traded with sex, and not my loyalties. I am not stupid enough to let her know something she could use against me. We may be allies, but one day that could very well change. Either way, Foltest was grateful for the information, has started making his own preparations in case Nilfgaard ends up at our borders one day. I set out what I achieved to do, which is the important thing."
"Perhaps," Yennefer murmured. "But take care not to allow this to get one-sided. Philippa may have offered you information this time around, but that may stop. She could expect you to do as she wishes without giving anything in return save promises yet to be fulfilled. Make certain she fulfills them, otherwise you are no better than all the other dancing puppets she's strung up for her own amusement."
Triss exhaled a sigh at that imagery, but she knew that Yennefer was right. She did not want to end up being played for a fool and prayed she would not be, as she could not bear to get hurt by Philippa for a second time.
[x]
"Mmm… I've missed you, pet."
Triss smiled, pulling her lover's naked form flush against hers before she left a languid kiss on Philippa's lips, absolutely spent from their night together. "Say it again," she softly demanded, getting caught up in an emotion that may not even be real. But it didn't matter, because Philippa made it feel real, and all Triss wanted was to drown in it because it felt so good for Philippa to rob her of breath.
"I…" Philippa breathed against her cheek before she allowed her lips to dust her jaw, her neck, her ear, "missed you, Triss. Out of all my toys, you are most certainly my favorite." Philippa pulled away from her then, but only enough that she could look down at the face of the woman she wished was in her life more often. Her fingertips dusted over Triss' jawline, softly finishing, "And the only one I care not to break."
"Anymore," Triss amended, because she wanted her to remember that she had, and she needed Philippa to feel guilty enough to never do so again.
"Anymore," Philippa acknowledged. The pads of her fingers distractedly traced her lover's lips before she seemed to snap herself out of it and took her hand away. Triss smiled, glad that she could get Philippa just as caught up in this relationship as she was. Triss took her hand in her own, bringing it to her lips and kissing the tips of her fingers, and Philippa smiled softly as Triss fell just a little bit harder. This felt like the best thing that had ever happened to her, but that probably meant that it had the potential to turn out to be the worst.
Triss wrapped her arms around her lover, pulling her down to lay next to her on the bed they shared in Montecalvo. True to her promise, she had begun working with Philippa again, and with, their combined magic, they were able to finally finish the project they started so very long ago, and enable long-distance portals. Triss and Philippa had been able to travel to one another just by portaling to each other's side for nearly a year now, and that kind of accessibility had improved their relationship greatly, as it wasn't so long between their visits anymore. Still, even the shortened duration of their absence from one another left them with a sense of loneliness neither felt comfortable admitting the extent of. They missed one another when they were apart, that much was certain, but both pretended it was only the sex that they craved, and not the emotional intimacy they seemed to have found with one another. It was why they only said those things when they were in bed together, despite both of them being more than aware of how deep it truly ran.
The denial, however, seemed to run so much deeper than that, and that was what they both clung to.
Triss was on Philippa's arm to any occasion she wished to bring a date now, as their relationship had moved past their occasional meetings for pleasure and information. That wasn't to say that they did not still do those things, as that was why Triss was in her bed now, but true to her word, when they finally completed the project they had begun all those years ago, Philippa had taken her dancing and wine tasting in Beauclair, and after that everything changed. Whatever this was between them had evolved into something they hadn't expected, yet should have seen coming. Despite that, neither woman could bring themselves to call it what it was, as that seemed more terrifying than ignoring the obvious.
"I heard Vizimir dissolved the engagement between his son and Princess Cirilla," Triss mentioned once Philippa lay next to her on the bed. She placed her head on her lover's shoulder, absentmindedly drawing patterns over the other woman's abdomen with her fingertips. Philippa smirked.
"Is this your king's interest, or your own?"
"Mine," Triss promised her. "I'm just curious, is all. The dissolution of it seemed rather sudden."
"Vizimir's decision to tie Redania to a sinking ship was foolish and so I sought to rectify the problem," Philippa admitted, her fingers gently weaving in the younger woman's hair. "Mostly in part to your insistence that Cintra would be the next to fall to Nilfgaard, which my spies confirm may very well be true. I've put too much stock in Redania to let an idiot king allow it to fall to pieces with terrible alliances. Vizimir is getting stubborn in his old age however, and I'm growing weary of fighting him at every turn."
"Another decade or two and it will be his son on the throne," Triss reminded her, trying to give the woman something to look forward to. "I'm sure it will be easier advising a king who's young and unseasoned."
"My patience may not last for another decade, let alone two," Philippa admitted, sounding frustrated. She shook her head, her fingers tightening in her lover's hair as she held her close to her. "It is of no matter though."
"Yeah," Triss agreed, her words exhaled across the other woman's bare breast. "It isn't as though you can shorten his reign until Prince Radovid comes of age."
"No…" Philippa conceded, but there was something else behind her tone; something that Triss could not distinguish without opening up their empathetic connection again, which both women had promised to no longer do so that they were allotted at least a little privacy while with one another. "I cannot."
Triss narrowed her eyes at her tone, yet chose to keep silent on the matter. If Philippa was scheming, she wanted no part of it. She was already in too deep with her as it was. Triss turned to lie half on her stomach and half on the woman beneath her, placing her chin on Philippa's ribs as she looked up at her.
"Ask me."
"Ask you what?"
"Whatever you want to know about Temeria," Triss clarified, wishing to get the business part of their relationship over with so that they could get back to what she truly wished to indulge in. "You called me here for a reason, I assume."
"Of course I called you here for a reason, but Temeria's movements are of little interest to me at the moment. I have my hands full with greater concerns," Philippa told her, causing the younger woman's brow to rise. That was a surprise. Every time they had seen one another, Philippa had always wanted to know something. Sometimes she gave something in return, sometimes she did not, but as she still promised Triss immeasurable power once she had enough years as a full-fledged sorceress under her belt, the younger woman knew her greater reward was coming, and did not mind giving Philippa what she wanted. She had stopped feeling guilty about it ages ago.
"Then why am I here?"
Philippa looked down at her, pushing Triss' hair back from her eyes. "You alleviate my frustrations with the world, pet. I needed a break. That is why you are here." For what seemed like the first time, Philippa wanted her there for reasons other than pure orgasms or her own political gain, and a surge of emotion clutched Triss' chest as she pursed her lips and pressed them atop her lover's breast, trying to stop the smile that was threatening to emerge.
Philippa rolled her eyes, getting a little defensive from the reaction she received. "Enjoying your company is not a declaration of anything, you know."
"Neither is my smile," Triss countered as she lifted her head, turning this around. Her tone was teasing, yet she was also as serious as Philippa was about stopping themselves from getting too close, even though it was probably foolish to think they could anymore. "Stop reading into things."
Philippa chuckled, and Triss finally allowed herself to smile. She looked at the other woman for a long time, her chest warm and her stomach in knots before she finally leaned in and gently pressed her lips against Philippa's. Triss kissed her like she was the only thing that mattered in her world, and everything only got worse when the sentiment was returned in kind. The knots in her stomach tightened and Triss had to break the kiss, gently leaning her forehead against Philippa's as she closed her eyes and begged, "Tell me something real." She could feel Philippa's brow knit in question, and Triss admitted, "I'll get caught up if you don't. Neither of us want that."
Philippa pursed her lips and was silent for a long time. Finally she admitted, "I'm concerned you may one day grow too powerful and will find you no longer benefit from being under my control. It would shred me to have to rectify that, but I would do it without question."
Triss exhaled. Despite how awful that was, the truth was strangely comforting.
Philippa looked at her for a long time. "I'll ask the same of you," she finally requested, and something inside of Triss tightened again. She was not the only one who felt like they were getting too close, and that made her wonder if they were both idiots for immediately backing away if that feeling was reciprocated.
Still, Philippa had indulged her request, so Triss allotted her the same. "I don't think I'll ever fully trust you, and that makes me wonder what the point of all this is. Sometimes, I think I should just walk away."
Philippa pushed the hair from her lover's eyes, tucking it behind her ear. "But you don't."
"No," Triss responded softly, keeping the other woman's gaze. "Not yet."
Philippa did not say anything for a long moment, her fingers absentmindedly playing with the ends of Triss' hair. "Eventually, all things reach their end," she gently responded. "Why should we be any different?"
She had a point. It was unrealistic to assume this affair would last for the rest of their lives, as their lives were so very, very long. Still, despite knowing it would be better to walk away from Philippa sooner rather than later, Triss could not bring herself to leave. These were, easily, the happiest days of her life.
"Because we are different," Triss responded strongly. Philippa had always told her that because they were sorceress they were more, that they were better, and Triss had begun to believe it. "So why should something that applies to everyone else apply to us?"
Philippa exhaled a soft sigh. "You know why, pet," she breathed, although she at least sounded apologetic about it. And Triss did, she did know why; because they both were too emotionally guarded to ever have anything that truly lasted. They had embarked on something that anyone from the outside looking in would deem romantic, yet both women could not ever label their relationship as such, because it came with expectations that neither were able to meet.
"Yeah… I do."
Philippa wrapped her arms around her, encouraging Triss to shift her position enough so that the other woman was on top of her again. "But that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy ourselves while it lasts," she breathed against her lips, prompting a smile from Triss before she kissed it away, leaving her mark on the other woman so deeply that it felt etched into her soul. Philippa's hand tangled in her hair and they kissed for a long while, just enjoying the feel of one another. Triss knew they did not have long until she had to leave again, so despite how tired she was she fell into Philippa again, knowing she could always sleep when she was alone.
"Look at me," Philippa softly requested once she had found her way on top of the other woman, her fingers buried deep inside of Triss as she slowly nudged her toward the edge. Triss' breathing was shallow, her cheeks flushed and her lips parted and she opened her eyes, her gaze finding her lover's as her insides burned and her heart swelled. The young woman reached out to touch her face, her thumb dragging across Philippa's bottom lip as she panted out her pleasure. Philippa's head turned and she kissed her palm, and Triss was about to fall into her abyss once more before there was a loud bang, Philippa's bedroom door hitting the wall as it was abruptly opened.
"Phil—!"
Philippa ripped her fingers from Triss as she turned around, the sheets of the bed bunching around her hips as a murderous expression crossed her features. The man that had interrupted them began to choke as Philippa reacted instinctively, her anger overshadowing her good sense as she nearly collapsed Dijkstra's windpipe.
"I'm so sorry, Miss— he just barged in!" came the terrified voice of one of Philippa's servants behind Dijkstra, but the girl was magically pushed from the room rather violently before she got to her feet and scrambled away.
"Philippa, stop!" Triss exclaimed, grabbing for her lover's hand. "You'll kill him!"
Triss wasn't Dijkstra's biggest fan, but she also knew that he was a necessary evil in Philippa's life. Thankfully, the other woman listened to her, and Dijkstra's huge form collapsed onto the floor after she let him go, gasping and struggling for his next breath.
"What the hell have I told you about interrupting me?!"
"To… only do it if it's… important," Dijkstra wheezed, rubbing his throat as he got to his feet. Triss took that moment to gather up the sheets to cover herself, not wishing Dijkstra of all people to see her naked. Philippa, however, made no such move to cover herself. "Crazy bitch. Cintra—"
Philippa immediately threw the covers off of herself and got out of bed stark naked as she approached the spy, her expression growing grave. "Cintra what? Spit it out!"
"Cintra has fallen," Dijkstra told her, his voice still broken and hoarse. He stared at Philippa's body and while Triss did not enjoy that, Philippa barely acknowledged it. He did, eventually, fixate his gaze on her face though as he told her, "Nilfgaard has taken the capital. Queen Calanthe is dead, Princess Cirilla is missing. The city was massacred."
"Fuck," Philippa swore, before pointing towards the door. "Wait for me downstairs. I'll be there momentarily." She looked at Dijkstra's neck, the redness deepening into dark purple bruises. "Perhaps find some ice for your neck," she suggested in lieu of an apology, and the man shot her a furious look but said nothing as he left the room to do as instructed.
When the door closed, Triss warned her, "You need to be careful with him. If you piss him off enough he won't think twice about betraying you." She understood Philippa's anger, but there had to be a line somewhere. "Learn to control yourself a little better, because I don't want to see your head on a pike just because he decided he would rather reveal your secrets rather than continue tolerating your constant stream of abuse."
"Do not lecture me," Philippa snapped, and Triss exhaled an exasperated sigh at her defensive tone. "Siggy is well aware of my temper and puts up with it, whereas I in turn allow him to speak freely. If anyone else called me the names he has called me, I would have removed their tongue. However, that man has and will continue to be useful to me, and I in turn have elevated his position. It was my influence that named him the head of Redanian Intelligence, and he is well aware that it is my influence that could rip it all away should he choose to betray me. Besides, I'm sure it also helps that the absolute masochist is still in love with me, although if I'm to be honest I'm not certain why."
"Neither am I."
Philippa shot her a look, and Triss immediately clarified, "I meant from his perspective, not mine!" Although then she blanched and nearly spat out, "Not that I— I'm not."
"I know you're not, pet. Calm down."
But then Triss realized something, a look of horror passing over her features as she stared at Philippa like she didn't know who she was anymore. If Dijkstra was in love with her, Philippa had probably given him a reason to at one point. "Wait— did you bed him?!" She couldn't even— she couldn't even picture that; just the thought was so terribly vile. Dijkstra was seven foot of muscle and had a face like someone had been curious what would happen if you crossed a pig with a horse, and Philippa was so… so not any of that.
Philippa looked like she regretted having said anything. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "…A very long time ago," she admitted, and Triss didn't know whether to laugh or gag.
"Gross."
"For a man he wasn't— we're not having this conversation," Philippa decided halfway through her explanation. "I do not ask you to justify your lovers, so I'd appreciate it if you did the same. Besides, that was before I decided that men were no longer of interest to me, so it has no bearing on your current position, if you're concerned."
Triss snorted. "Believe me, I'm not." Even if Philippa was still bedding him, he was no threat to her. No one really was.
Philippa still looked a little exasperated, but she crossed the room to bring Triss in for a brief kiss. "I must go, and so should you," she told her regrettably. "War is upon us all now. I do not know when I'll be able to see you again, so keep yourself safe. I will come to you when I'm able."
Triss nodded in understanding, but the corners of her lips were turned down into a frown, concern etching between her brow. War with Nilfgaard was going to change everything and that scared her. Being away from Philippa for an extended period of time was going to be even worse, as Triss would have no idea if she was safe, so before the other woman could step away Triss grasped her hand, pulling her back in for a long kiss.
When they broke apart, Triss touched her lover's face and breathed, "Please be careful. I know you are not one to sit idly by, but I could not bear it if you left me."
"I'll be fine, pet," Philippa assured her before she placed her hand over Triss' and removed it from her face just enough to place a kiss against her palm. "Now go. News will spread fast, and your king will want his mages by his side."
Little did they know, it wouldn't be Philippa who came out of this war with scars and that, despite their desire to, they could not save one another from the pain that was to come. That, more than anything, ended up being the truly devastating part of this war.
TBC…