XVIII.

"…Hi."

Philippa exhaled a hard breath, staring at the woman on the other side of her door. While Triss usually portalled directly into her home, she didn't want to make the assumption that she was welcome, or that in their time apart Philippa hadn't warded her from doing so. Triss shifted the weight between her feet, her heart weighing heavy in her chest from the anxiety that threatened to consume her. She wished Philippa would just say something, but instead she just left her there in silence, watching the light spring breeze blow Triss' newly regrown chestnut locks around her face.

Finally, the other woman extended her hand.

Triss' hand was trembling as she took it, and Philippa wasted no time guiding her inside her home. The door magically swung closed behind her, and Philippa's brow creased as she looked at the woman she had not seen in over a year. Triss' chest grew heavier with regret and her eyes misted over. She felt so awful for shutting her out, and she wouldn't blame Philippa if she decided she wasn't worth the effort anymore. This wasn't the first time she had run from her, after all. She wasn't even certain that it would be the last.

"I'm sorry."

Emotion caused Triss to nearly choke on her words, and a tear slid down the contour of her cheek. Philippa exhaled a small sigh as she cupped her face and used her thumb to wipe away the other woman's sorrow. "You always are, pet," she told her regrettably. Triss could hear it, but she could not feel it; Philippa had her wards up again, and that absolutely devastated Triss who felt like she should ward herself in return so as to not project unwanted emotion. "But I cannot blame you for running. I'm just insulted that you thought you had to."

Triss exhaled a sob, the other woman's words feeling as though they stabbed her in the gut. Why did she always ruin everything? This kind of relationship – whatever it was, whether they wanted to label it as something real or not – wasn't just new to her, but seemingly very new to Philippa as well. Although the other woman never talked about her past, Triss knew that if this wasn't something completely new for her, it was most certainly something that she hadn't allowed herself to feel in quite a while. Yet when Philippa finally allowed herself to be somewhat vulnerable, Triss just threw it back in her face and ran from her? No doubt Philippa was probably wondering what the point of all this was, and honestly… Triss couldn't blame her.

"It was about me. Not you. Never you," Triss tried to explain through her tears. She probably looked like a mess, but she didn't care anymore. "I'm not okay, Phil," she admitted sadly. "I don't even know why I'm here, because I'm not the same, and have very little to offer you now, politically or otherwise. I'm sure with the way I am now I'd just be a burden, and I don't… I don't want that. You deserve better than that."

Philippa exhaled a long breath, but she did not say anything for a long moment. Finally her eyes shifted towards the sitting room, and she nodded to her. "Sit down. Stop crying. I'll get someone to make you some tea, but I do not have long; I have matters to attend to at the castle in an hour and cannot be late."

Triss swallowed hard, but appreciated being given the time of day considering she wasn't exactly invited. She tried to pull herself together, and nodded her understanding. "Right… of course."

Triss adjourned to the sitting room while Philippa fetched a servant to get her some tea. When the other woman returned she took the seat opposite her instead of next to her and Triss noticeably deflated, yet opted to say nothing. Instead, she stared at her hands. "I don't know what to say," Triss admitted softly. "I could explain to you why I ran, but I don't think my reasons would make a difference. I still hurt you either way."

For a moment, Triss believed that Philippa would dismiss that, pretend she did not care that much, but instead she looked a little ridged as she responded in a tight voice, "…You did." And it was probably that, more than anything, that truly showed Triss just how much Philippa gave a shit, still gave a shit, because if she didn't she would have acted rather flippant about the whole thing as she distanced herself. Instead she sat across from her, kept her gaze locked on her former lover's, and spoke her truth. "You do not trust me."

"I do—"

"You don't, and what's more is that you told me you didn't not long before that happened. I should have listened."

Triss' heart ached. "Phil, I trust you in so many ways that matter, but I'm still terrified of you. Why can't you understand that?" she pleaded softly. "I was never treated well when I was disfigured. I was never loved, never wanted. Why would I assume that you would do either of those things when we were just supposed to be in a sexual relationship? Without my sex appeal, I'm nothing. I thought you would take one look at me and run, so… so I decided to run first."

Philippa's entire demeanor changed at those words.

"I obviously did not take one look at you and run, Triss; I spent days by your bed!" she exclaimed, growing angry with the other woman's assumptions. She stood up rather suddenly, pacing back and forth as she ranted, and the servant who was about to come in with tea backed out rather suddenly. Triss didn't blame him. "I spent days seeing you burnt and broken and wondering if you were going to still be breathing if I allowed myself to close my eyes, so I couldn't. I didn't. I wasn't concerned whether you were sexually attractive or not anymore, I just wanted you alive!"

Tears were beginning to well up in Triss' eyes again, the passion and anger in Philippa's voice breaking her heart. "I know," Triss sobbed, because she knew her excuse for running didn't make sense after witnessing how Philippa reacted to her being in that hospital. She had convinced herself that that was the reason why, but it wasn't. She might have run from the world because she felt ugly and monstrous, but she ran from Philippa for a very different reason. "But that's what I'm scared of; if you really felt… and then I allowed myself to feel— fuck, Phil, don't you get it? I didn't want you to break my heart, because I… I think I might be…"

But Triss couldn't say it, and Philippa looked absolutely terrified that she very well might. She actually, physically, backed up a few steps. "See?" Triss stressed, her throat constricting so much now that it was starting to hurt. "This is why. This is fucking why!" she raged, allowing her devastation to fall away to anger, because it was just easier. "I should never have come back here."

"—Triss," Philippa pleaded, suddenly looking quite regretful about how she reacted. Triss knew that it was instinctual though, which was the worst part. "Stop, don't— stop! For fuck's sake, every time you walk out that damn door I don't see you for years. Stop running, I'm too goddamn old to chase you. I'm tired of it."

"'Stop running'? Big accusation for someone who physically backed away from me the second anything got too real," Triss spat as she rounded on her. She was halfway towards the door but Philippa had gone after her, and Triss hated that because she was always giving her mixed signals. "Don't you dare stand there and act like this all my fault – I may have physically run, but you've emotionally run from me for years, and you know what? I'm tired of that."

Triss looked at the other woman in disbelief, shaking her head. "And chase me?" she repeated with an angry laugh. "You've never lifted a finger to try to get me back. At first I thought you just respected my wishes, but I'm beginning to realize it's safer for you emotionally to do nothing at all, and just hope I'll come back on my own. Well I'm tired of making things easy for you. I've been though hell and back and I am too goddamn damaged to be with someone who just wants to fuck me and pretend that's all it is. I can't even…" Triss began, but her voice broke in her throat as she looked away and clutched at the fabric that covered her chest. "Not yet. I tried, but it wasn't real and I can't— I can't have it be real yet."

Philippa stared at her, her eyes fixated on where Triss was clutching before she hissed in anger. "Those idiots left you scarred, didn't they? I fucking told them not to use—!" But she stopped, realizing that was far from the point of all of this. "Just—stay," she requested instead, sounding exasperated but at the same time, looking rather desperate. She knew if Triss walked out that door that she wouldn't see her again for a long time, and Philippa did not wish to go through that again. "I don't want you to leave again, alright? I've said the words, so just let that be enough for now. But I wasn't lying when I said I have matters to attend to at the castle. Just… wait for me here." A beat, and although it looked a little painful for Philippa to beg for anything, she ended it with, "…Please."

Triss swallowed. Philippa never said please to anything. "Fine," she responded softly, knowing she owed her at least that much. "I'll give you tonight. That's all I can promise. And to be clear, I do not mean that I'll share a bed with you, so if that's all you want me for…"

"It's not."

Triss' heart clenched in her chest at the quick response, knowing that Philippa was being truthful. She nodded her appreciation for her boundaries being respected. She just wasn't ready yet, and honestly, she wasn't sure if she ever would be. But that devastated her more than anything else, because being intimate with Philippa was the closest thing she ever felt to being loved, and now Triss feared she would never feel that way again.

[x]

It was quite awhile until Philippa returned. Night had fallen outside of Montecalvo and Triss, having been emotionally and mentally exhausted for over a year now, ended up falling asleep while she was waiting for her. What awoke her wasn't the gentle indent of the mattress next to her though; instead it was the touch of fingertips against her forehead as her hair was brushed from her eyes. Triss instinctively jerked awake, yet noticeably relaxed once she realized who it was.

"I see you've made yourself comfortable," Philippa noted with a hint of amusement in her voice.

"I used to live here," Triss defended, because what was she supposed to do? Just sit in the drawing room until Philippa arrived back home? After she had dinner she felt a little tired and wished to lie down, so she found a place to. Besides, she honestly didn't think Philippa would mind; despite not entirely knowing where they stood with one another anymore, the fact that Philippa asked her to stay said quite a lot, and Triss took the invitation to heart.

"Your room was that way," Philippa pointed down the hall, but her tone was teasing. Triss rolled her eyes, pulling the sheets to her neck as she snuggled deeper into the mattress. Despite how broken she had felt before coming there, being near Philippa again allotted Triss a sense of comfort and security that she hadn't felt in a long time. Their back and forth was natural, easy, and Triss shot her a mischievous smile.

"Your bed's more comfortable. If you'd like me to sleep elsewhere, put as much effort into your guest decor as you do your own."

"And your excuse for raiding my bureau?" Philippa pressed, looking amused by the other woman's attire. Triss wore a man's white sleeping gown that was so over-sized it slipped off of her shoulder a little if she moved too much, but it was comfortable, and that was what mattered. Still, Triss self-consciously adjusted it, not wanting it to slip down too far and reveal her scars.

"I needed something to wear to bed; I couldn't very well climb in here in a dress," Triss defended. But then she realized something, and her nose wrinkled in distaste. "Please don't tell me this was Dijkstra's."

Philippa laughed. "No, pet. That's mine. I find it more comfortable than the skimpy things that women these days are meant to wear to entice their pointless male lovers. "

"You never wore it when you slept with me."

"I was naked when I slept with you," Philippa reminded her, and alright, that was fair.

A slow smirk crossed the other woman's lips as she looked down at the woman in her bed. "But believe me, if I wanted you to sleep elsewhere, pet, I wouldn't have asked you to stay." Triss blushed a little at her tone, which was strange, considering she hadn't been shy in front of her for ages. "You are always welcome in my bedroom, in whatever attire you wish, although I will admit I prefer a lack thereof."

"Phil," she warned, because she thought she had been clear about that.

"I know," Philippa assured her softly, suddenly serious. She didn't want her to think she was pushing her into something she wasn't comfortable with, but the retort came naturally. Philippa pursed her lips, looking down at the woman in her bed. "Will you show me?" she finally asked, but the way all the color drained from Triss' face made her quickly amend with, "—You don't have to. I just wanted to assure you that it bears no difference to me."

"You say that now," Triss responded dejectedly, because she knew what it looked like. She knew how repulsive she was now. There was no way Philippa could ignore that enough to still find her desirable.

The older woman's brow knit. "How bad is it?"

"Bad enough."

Philippa sighed softly, knowing she would never know the true depth of Triss' pain until the other woman found it within her to show her the damage that Sodden had caused her. What made it more difficult was that Triss desperately did not want to talk about it, but she also knew that considering her scars – both physical and emotional – were the reason she ran from Philippa in the first place, that they needed to.

"Do you really believe me so shallow that some scars would change how I look at you?" Philippa asked exasperatedly, and Triss knew it did not because let's be honest, it wasn't as though Philippa slept with people for their looks. Some yes, perhaps, but for others, how they looked did not matter, so long as they had something to offer her. The problem was though, now Triss had nothing to offer her at all except her beauty, and even that was marred.

"It changes how I look at myself, Phil. That's enough."

Philippa just looked at her sadly, yet did not dispute her conclusion. "I told you once that one day you would know the pain of a hundred lifetimes," she breathed regrettably. "And while I meant it, I am still terribly angry that it turned out to be true. I wish I never allowed you to fight with us."

"I'm not yours to take care of, and I made my own decision," Triss told her strongly as she pushed herself to a seated position against the pillows, although mostly to put a little space between them. "And I'm not Yennefer's either, before you turn this all around and blame her instead. I have no one to blame other than myself, so I'd appreciate if you'd not martyr yourself for my cause. Whose fault it is makes very little difference now; what's done is done, and there's no going back."

"And hiding yourself away is how you plan to move forwards?" Philippa countered, and Triss' gaze hit the sheets in shame. "I don't care that you're not in Temeria's court anymore, Triss; but I do care that you're letting your talents go to waste."

"What am I supposed to do now?" Triss countered helplessly. "Most people still think I'm dead. When they realize I'm not they're going to think I betrayed Foltest and faked my death, which will make every other king hesitant to include me in their court. My time as a royal advisor is over, and I don't have anything left. My entire life burned to ash that night. How I am supposed to rebuild from that?"

Philippa looked at her pointedly, then silently gestured to herself. Triss rolled her eyes.

"And what exactly are you going to do? I can't serve Redania as a Temerian, there's so much political distrust right now with everyone fearing that other countries are going to start aligning with Nilfgaard just so they don't get invaded and overtaken. They'll think I'm a spy. King Vizimir would never allow it."

"Believe me, Vizimir is a non-factor, but I wasn't talking about placing you in Redania," Philippa responded, as though that should have been obvious. "I wasn't even talking about placing you anywhere; instead, I could sell your reputation to the Council. You fought bravely in Sodden and survived, Triss. That means something. You may have a place with us, so allow me some time to see if that's the case. I promised you once that if you were loyal to me I would reward that. Let me try to keep that promise, at least."

Triss pursed her lips, wondering if the Council would even consider someone her age. Still, Philippa looked adamant about helping her, so Triss nodded in agreement. "Alright. You can try," she allowed, because she did need something. The more she hid herself away, the more she felt useless; to herself, to others. She didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Philippa responded with a small smile, glad that Triss was receptive to the idea at least. She looked at her for a long while before she finally tore her eyes away from her, tucking her long braid over her shoulder before she stood from the bed. "I need to change," she told her. "I trust you won't have an issue with me doing so, considering you've seemed to take over my room. Or are you going to ask me to step out to do it?"

Triss rolled her eyes in bemusement. "I'm not going to kick you out of your own bedroom, Phil. Do what you want."

"And what do you want, pet?" Philippa asked her. The underlying suggestiveness was not lost on Triss and despite herself she felt the familiar burning in the pit of her stomach at the other woman's smoldering gaze.

Still, Triss was adamant about where she was in regards to something like that. "I'd like for you to listen to me when I tell you I'm not ready." Because while her body seemed to crave Philippa very much, she just wasn't emotionally or mentally there yet.

"I heard you. I'm not asking to bed you, I'm merely asking if you'd like a show. If you don't, I will not take it to heart. I just wanted to let you know that there are other ways to pursue a sexual relationship without sex. That is, if you're still interested."

Triss' insides tightened, and there was very much a part of her that wished to see exactly what Philippa had in mind. But there was also a part of her that knew she needed something more than that. They had danced around the issue for far too long, and Triss didn't want to keep getting caught in the same trap that got them all tangled up in the first place. "And what if I don't just want a sexual relationship?" she asked softly, tentatively. She was still so terrified that Philippa would back up from her again, but this time, the other woman did not move.

"Then I would remind you that there are other ways to pursue that too," Philippa told her, voice equally soft. The sincerity in her eyes made Triss' heart flutter in her chest. "If that's what you truly want."

"I want to know what you want."

Philippa looked at her for a long moment before she finally crossed the distance between them, her hand cupping the back of her lover's neck before she brought her in for a passionate kiss that stole the breath from Triss' lungs. But Triss needed more than something nonverbal, so when they broke she begged against her lips, her eyes still closed and heart thumping beneath her ribcage, "Words."

"Triss…"

"Please."

Philippa exhaled a hard breath, gently leaning her forehead against the other woman's. Her hand was still tangled in the hair at the base of Triss' neck, and when she spoke her words were almost defensive, yet so very real. "I want you. I missed you, pet. I've never missed anyone before. Tell me that's enough."

"It's enough," Triss responded, because she knew that was the best Philippa could offer her, and that was okay. She touched the other woman's face, her fingers dragging down the contour of her lover's cheek. "It's more than enough. Thank you," she breathed, her eyes searching Philippa's as she spoke her own truth in turn. "I missed you too. I swear I'll never run from you again."

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

That hurt, but Triss knew Philippa didn't have a reason to believe her, as this had happened more than once now. So instead Triss swallowed hard and nodded her understanding, respecting Philippa's wish for her to not vocalize things like that. Instead, she vowed to show her. She kissed her again as she let down her wards, allowing Philippa to feel the truth of how she felt. Philippa climbed on top of her as she allowed her own wards to fall, and the depth and complexity of their shared emotions was overwhelming. The desperation, the fear, and the passion that they felt collided in their kiss, and Triss struggled to find her breath as Philippa sought to drink up all that she was.

"Take off your clothes," Triss begged as she began to get caught up in the feeling. Philippa's lips had fallen to her neck and Triss' hand tightened desperately in her hair as she held her. She still wasn't ready to have sex with her, but the other woman was right in reminding her that there were other ways to be intimate, and Triss wanted to experience them. "I want that show you promised me."

She could feel Philippa smirk against her skin before she lifted her head, placing her lips against Triss' ear. "Would you like to be in the audience, or be the director of this little play?"

Triss bit down on her bottom lip. "Audience," she decided, but was quick to amend with, "For now. I may get impatient with you."

Philippa chuckled, but slid off of the other woman and backed up until she was about a foot away from the bed. She pressed her tongue against her teeth as she smirked, knowing exactly what she was about to do to the other woman and reveling in her power prematurely. Triss would have called her out on her arrogance, but when Philippa's fingers found the clasps on her doublet she made a big showing of undoing each one, and Triss was captivated. Perhaps she did have a reason to be cocky after all, but Triss didn't want her knowing that and so she tried to keep her expression neutral as she watched her.

She failed miserably.

Philippa continued her tortuously slow removal of her clothing until she stood before her in just an undershirt and her panties. "Take out your hair," Triss requested breathlessly, missing the way the other woman's long hair would frame her face, gently crimped by the braids she kept in all day. It was easily one of the most breathtaking sights she had ever seen, and she wished to indulge in the view once more.

Philippa smirked in amusement. "I thought you just wanted to be in the audience."

"Just do what I say," Triss demanded, beginning to feel a little more confident in their relationship. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough, and Philippa indulged her wish as she began to undo her braids. When the last pieces of hair were untwisted she shook out her hair, allowing it to tumble over her shoulders. Triss inhaled a sharp breath.

"Now your underwear."

Philippa smirked at Triss' newfound desire to dictate, but her fingers hooked around her panties before she slowly slid them down her thighs. When they pooled on the ground she stepped away from them, and the fact that her undershirt hung just low enough to cover her mound was a delicious tease that made Triss get terribly wet with anticipation.

"Any more requests?"

Philippa's tone was teasing, but Triss, having found her confidence once more, barely cared. She was riding a high she never thought she'd feel again as she instructed breathlessly, "Sit on the end of the bed. Face me. I want to be able to see all of you."

The other woman followed her guidance and settled herself against the backboard. She still had her undershirt on but that was what made it sexier when she spread her legs for her, giving Triss exactly what she wanted. She was visibly aroused and Triss' insides clenched as her own undergarments began to grow sticky with desire. A part of her so badly wished to just bury her face between Philippa's thighs, but that would open floodgates that Triss wasn't certain she could close, so she did not move even though her desire caused the base of her abdomen to ache in need.

"I'm waiting."

"You know what I want," Triss retorted, her cheeks beginning to flush a light pink as she got more aroused. She couldn't stop staring at her, her gaze fixated between her thighs. Philippa looked absolutely delicious, and Triss' fingers began to play with the edge of her own panties beneath the sheets. She was absolutely going to fuck herself while Philippa did the same, but she wasn't sure she was ready for her lover to see that yet either. For now, it was enough that she was beginning to feel desirable again, as Philippa looked at her like she wanted nothing more than to eat her alive.

Her restraint was rather incredible, honestly.

"Say it."

Triss' breathing shallowed, and although she thought she might be a little embarrassed with having to voice her blunt instruction, she found that even with their time apart, she was still comfortable enough with Philippa to do so. "Touch yourself," she told her, the excitement growing in the pit of her abdomen. "Look at me while you do it."

Philippa licked her lips in anticipation, but it was her words that did something to Triss more than anything else. "I'd never look anywhere else, pet."

And true to her word, she did not. Philippa held her lover's gaze as she allowed her hand to fall between her thighs, coating her fingers with her own desire before she began to move them in small circles against her clit. Triss watched her for a long time as she practically squirmed with desire, the dull ache in her abdomen growing with each passing moment. Eventually, the need to touch herself overshadowed all else, and Triss removed her underwear while still underneath the sheets before throwing them across the room. She half-expected Philippa to ask her to allow her to watch what she was about to do, but she did not. Instead she continued her show as she allowed Triss to respond in a way she felt comfortable with.

The first touch of her fingers against her sex caused Triss to groan, her gaze still fixated between the other woman's legs. Philippa responded to that by spreading herself open for her with her ring and forefinger, purposefully clenching and relaxing a few times to allow Triss a better view of her desire for her. During this she still did not allow her gaze to rest anywhere but on Triss' face, even when it was obvious that the younger woman's hand was working desperately against her clit beneath the sheets.

"Fuck, Phil—" Triss panted desperately, unable to fathom how the woman was drawing this out so much when she felt as though she might very well burst if she didn't come soon. "Taste yourself."

Philippa dipped her fingers inside of herself. When she removed them she brought them to her lips, her desire coating them all the way to the knuckles. Triss whimpered desperately as she watched Philippa slide them into her mouth without breaking eye contact, and Triss' hand worked a little more furiously against her sex as she flushed a deep rose and panted out her pleasure. Philippa smirked at the reaction she caused, her hand falling back between her thighs.

"You're going to make me work to catch up," she noted, but Philippa had years on her, and had gotten to know her own body very well in that time. It did not take long until both women were desperately hanging on to the edge and Triss, who had finally grown too hot underneath the damned covers, threw them off of her. She still had her night shirt on, she still had her chest covered, so it was enough. Besides, the way Philippa groaned in approval once she got a look at what Triss was actually doing was unparalleled in what it did for Triss' need to feel desired. She spread her legs further for her, giving Philippa as much of a show as she was getting, and soon both women were leaning against opposite ends of the bed, panting and sweating and spent.

Triss closed her eyes as she leaned her head back against the headboard, her breathing uneven as she rode out her high. She never thought she would feel like this again, and maybe it still wasn't anything close to how it was before, but it was a good start. It was a much needed start, and Triss couldn't believe she almost walked out on the other woman again. She really needed to stop being so utterly stupid because, as it turned out, Philippa might be the cure to her ailments after all.

The mattress compressed as Philippa settled in next to her. "Stay," she requested in a hoarse tone, having strained her voice a little during her performance. It sounded so incredibly sexy.

"I already said I would. Besides, it's late; I'm not going anywhere at this time of night."

"No," Philippa corrected softly, and the shift in her tone caused Triss to open her eyes as she looked at the other woman, her brow furrowed. "For longer than just a night."

Oh.

That was… a bigger gesture than Triss was expecting from her, and because she didn't really know how to answer for a moment, she just stared at the other woman in surprise. That seemed to fluster Philippa a little. "I'm not asking you to live with me, if that's what you're concerned about."

"Then you should probably specify what you mean," Triss responded, as that had made her heart beat wildly in her chest in both excitement and crippling anxiety. It was an odd mix.

"I meant one night with you isn't enough. I didn't contemplate much beyond that, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't ask for a specific time frame."

Philippa was getting awfully defensive and Triss didn't want to make her feel like she had to protect herself with that, so she reached out and tangled their fingers together before she rolled on her side to better face her lover. "I'll stay as long as you want," she softly promised, bringing Philippa's hand to her lips for a gentle kiss. The other woman noticeably relaxed, and Triss smiled.

Maybe there was hope for things to return to normal after all.

TBC…