XIX.

"Phil, we— we eat on this table!"

"And that is exactly what I plan to do," Philippa responded mischievously, having already backed Triss up enough that she was forced to get up on the dining room table. Triss was absolutely exasperated by that answer, but she was also incredibly turned on so she didn't stop her lover when she hiked up her dress and pulled her undergarments from her thighs.

It did not take long for their sex life to evolve past merely pleasuring themselves while the other watched. Triss was still not comfortable enough to show Philippa her chest, but the other woman was patient about it. So long as she got access to other parts of her body, she did not seem to mind the wait for Triss to feel secure enough in their relationship to break that final barrier. She was getting there, but despite her fear dissipating that Philippa would run from her if she saw it, there was still something holding Triss back. She just needed time, but Philippa was giving it to her.

"Fuck— you are throwing out this table when we're done!" Triss gasped as Philippa's mouth wrapped around the apex of her thighs. The other woman chuckled against her, the vibrations making Triss groan as she arched her back, tangled her hands in her hair and stared at the chandelier above her. As much as she enjoyed their spontaneous love making sessions all over Montecalvo, she definitely did not wish to dine at a table that she was ravaged on top of.

Triss had resided there for months now, neither woman bringing up the possibility of her leaving. At least, not yet. The reason Triss had put careful effort into her appearance today was the hope that it would soften the blow when she revealed that she had to spend some time apart from her. It wasn't that Triss wanted to, and she hated the thought of leaving because she was so happy here, but she had a promise to keep, and partly due to how guilty she felt, Triss needed to uphold it. It was the least she could do.

Apparently, her desire to distract Philippa with her attire worked a little too well though, and now Triss was gasping and swearing as her fingers tangled in her lover's hair, her fingernails scraping desperately against Philippa's scalp. She was approaching the precipice when she allowed her head to roll to the side, the coolness of the surface of the table contrasting with the heat of her flushed cheeks. She opened her eyes and saw one of Philippa's menservants watching them from around the threshold and Triss exhaled a sound of disgust before she threw out her hand, magically hurling him down the hallway.

Philippa did something amazing with her tongue then, and Triss' eyes fell closed as she tensed and came for her, her thighs quaking around the other woman's ears.

"You need to do something about that peeping tom," Triss breathlessly told her after she had come down, her chest heaving beneath her dress. She forced herself into a seated position and Philippa moved out from between her thighs to look at her. "This is the second time I've caught him watching us!"

Philippa, apparently, had not noticed, but her face darkened.

"Which one?"

"The blonde one."

"Consider it handled," she told her as she stepped away, holding out her hand to help Triss slide off the table. When her feet landed on the ground she straightened out her dress and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to look a little more put together. Once she was finished she smirked as she reached out, wiping her own desire from her lover's chin.

"I hope your enjoyed your snack, because it was an expensive one. I'm serious about the table."

Philippa merely looked amused. "You think you've earned redecorating privileges, have you?"

"Come on— it's gross!"

"Fine, if it'll appease you. But I do hope you're aware it's entirely your fault— you know what that dress does to me," Philippa responded, but the guilty look on Triss' face made that sentence really click in her head and she stared at her. "You do know what that dress does to me," she reiterated, realizing that this was all premeditated. "…And you wore it for a reason."

"Please don't be mad—"

"Terrible start, but continue."

Philippa had folded her arms across her chest as she looked at the younger woman, already getting defensive. Triss internally berated herself. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. "I need to leave for a little while," she told her regrettably. "I promised Geralt—"

"Geralt?" Philippa repeated incredulously. To be honest, Triss was still surprised that Geralt had contacted her at all considering how they left things, but she also knew things between him and Yennefer were not great at the moment, and she was no doubt his only option for sorceresses. "Yennefer's witcher?"

"Yes."

"What the hell does he want?" The way Philippa stressed his pronoun sounded as though she regarded him as no more than an annoying flea that was inconveniencing her.

"A favor," the younger woman stressed, but that was the extent of her explanation. "That's all I can tell you right now, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you where I was going, or what I was doing, or even how long I'll be gone, but I can't. He was very adamant about secrecy, and I owe it to him to respect that."

"You owe it to him," Philippa repeated. Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Triss instantly flushed in shame, the disgust with what she had done nearly consuming her, and Philippa laughed as she realized exactly what she had done. "And you have the nerve to judge me for Siggy. Tell me, how did Yennefer react when she found out you fucked her favorite toy?"

"It wasn't like that!" Triss exclaimed, her chest constricting as she began to grow upset. "It was after Sodden, and he was meant to be a safe option for me, but I didn't— I didn't feel safe, or wanted, or anything, and I… I did something to him that I am not proud of. I'm trying to make up for that, so please don't make me feel worse about it. I don't want to talk about it, and I most certainly am not going to him to continue our brief-lived affair, so you have nothing to be worried about, even though I am quite certain that in my absence you won't keep your bed empty in return."

"Are you asking me to?" Philippa queried, the expression on her face unreadable. Triss hated that she was so good at that.

"No, I don't— I don't care. Honestly," Triss responded exasperatedly, because she was so far past that. Philippa's emotional loyalty was the only thing she wanted, and she had that. In the end, nothing else mattered. "I know you have women you've practically abandoned in favor of me these past few months, and I don't want you to lose the advantages they've given you because of me."

"'Practically' is not 'completely,' pet; albeit infrequently, I have made a point to keep up with those who mattered, so don't concern yourself over it. I will not lose any standing with them."

Triss had known Philippa continued her affairs,obviously. But she had used the word 'practically' for a reason; she knew it was not often, and she also knew that those women were no doubt expecting more from her. Once upon a time Triss might have been jealous, but her own life experiences had convinced Triss that sometimes things like that were a necessary evil. Besides, it wasn't as though she planned to be sexually faithful either should the right opportunity arise. So in the end, what bothered her about Philippa's affairs were small, stupid things, and not the fact that she was having them at all.

Small, stupid things like: "Speaking of, tell the one with horrible perfume to throw that shit out – even after your bath, you still stunk horribly when you crawled into bed that night, and I will not endure that again." Honestly, it was terrible. All that money and no taste – it was barbaric.

Philippa smirked. "Oh? And what do you prefer I smell like, pet?"

Triss grabbed the woman's doublet, roughly pulling Philippa toward her to collide their lips for a brief kiss that ended with a bite to her lower lip. Philippa hissed in pain, but as she enjoyed it, she smiled against her lips. Triss mirrored that smile in return as she kept her grip on her, not allowing her to step away. But eventually her smile faded, her heart weighing heavy as her eyes searched the woman's she had spent every day of the last few months with. "I'll miss you," Triss breathed, letting go of the woman's doublet to gently touch her face. She smirked in amusement as she finished, "I'll miss making you smell like me."

Philippa turned her face to gently kiss the other woman's palm. "I'll miss more than that," she admitted, and Triss' chest surged with emotion. She had not expected that kind of honesty. Her eyes crinkled and the expression on her face made Philippa sigh heavily. "Don't cry. They were just words."

"They were more than that, and you know it."

Philippa looked at her with exasperated affection, gently catching the one tear Triss had shed with her thumb before wiping it away. She did not confirm Triss' declaration, but that didn't matter. Triss knew how she felt without needing her to spell it out. "I'm not angry with you for needing to leave," Philippa finally told her. "I know you need to feel as though you're moving forwards, and you're not doing that here. If only the Council didn't take an obnoxiously long time to deliberate anything I would already have a better place for you, but until then I suppose I cannot expect you to just stand still."

"They usually take this long?" Triss questioned. That made her feel a little bit better at least, as she knew it wasn't just because it was her.

"We all need to agree on a stance to pass the motion. As you can imagine, that happens very infrequently," Philippa revealed, a sour look on her face. She no doubt wished to have the power to overrule them. "There are some of us that feel you're still too young, despite your accomplishments. For once however, Yennefer and I are standing on the same side, which is odd, to say the least. Usually we oppose one another rather vehemently."

Well, that came as no surprise.

"But you think they'll change their minds?"

"Eventually, yes. But I promise you if it takes too long I'll find something else for you," Philippa told her, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind Triss' ear. Her lips upturned into a small smile, but it was tinged with disappointment. "I know the projects we work on together aren't enough for you."

Triss slid her hands down the other woman's arms before she tangled Philippa's fingers in her own. "You know I enjoy them," she reiterated softly, because she did. With their combined magic they were able to do so much that would otherwise be impossible, but that couldn't be all her life was. "I just need something more."

"And gallivanting off with a mutant is going to give you that, is it?"

Triss rolled her eyes. "No. But again, this is just a favor. Still, I think I need to be… elsewhere, for a little while. I've been a shut-in for far too long." She gently squeezed Philippa's hands in her own before letting them go. "I'll be back. I'll always come back to you, Phil. I think you know that much by now."

Because whether Triss wanted to or not, it seemed destiny always intervened and she found her way back into the arms of Philippa Eilhart. And no matter how many places she saw or how many things she had done, there was no where else in the world that Triss would want to be at the end of it all.

[x]

"Triss? I mean— Miss Merigold?"

"You may call me Triss, as I've said. Vesemir has no say on how you address me; that decision lies with me."

"Okay," Ciri responded, smiling at being granted a more casual address. Although Triss had never really had an interest in, or felt the need to even interact with children, she liked Ciri. The girl was smart and capable and so very determined, although sometimes she could push herself too hard despite better judgment. Triss could not believe the young thing endured such vigorous and dangerous training while suffering the ill effects of menstruating, but then again, Kaer Morhen had never been a place for women, and the men who resided there certainly knew nothing of how difficult it could be to be one.

Ciri was thankful for her short reprieve from training while she was "indisposed" however, and though she rubbed the base of her abdomen from time to time, there wasn't much more indication that she was feeling under the weather. She sat cross-legged on the opposite side of the table that Triss was working at, her butt on the surface instead of in a chair. Triss did not mind as she did not need much space, and she continued to mix a potion to cure Ciri of her cramps. Just because the girl could ignore them, did not mean that she should when there were ways to help her.

"Triss? Have you ever been in love?" Ciri queried, and Triss' lips quirked in amusement as she placed another ingredient in her cauldron. It turned a deep green, the smell no longer as foul as it had been when she began. Still, it was not quite ready yet. Although Triss could not drink potions herself due to her allergy, she had been told the taste left something to be desired, so she wished to rectify that.

"Do you feel as though you're becoming a woman now that you've bled?" Triss asked, her tone gently teasing as she picked up some flaxseed, knowing the phytoestrogens in it would be useful. "Is that why you ask?"

"No. I mean, maybe," Ciri responded, looking a little flustered. It was endearing, but Triss also did not want the girl to romanticize adulthood too early. She had so much of her childhood left to experience, even if it was to be an unconventional one.

"Because bleeding only indicates that you are able to bear children; not that you are ready to, nor that you are emotionally ready to fall in love," Triss told her as she caught her gaze, her tone serious. "It will be quite some time until you're there, little one."

"I know. I just— I was just thinking, if I have to be a woman, then I want you to tell me about the good things. Falling in love is supposed to be good, right? I used to hear girls giggling about it in the castle. Women too! Old ones, even."

Triss dropped a honeycomb in the cauldron. It sizzled and popped. She wanted to indulge Ciri's curiosity, though she didn't feel like she had much experience on the subject. Triss took a moment and thought about how to answer.

"The first time you think you're experiencing love, it most likely will not be love at all," Triss finally revealed as she stirred the potion. "I was not much older than you when I first thought I fell in love. I gave myself to a boy I barely knew and it was… well, what I thought I had always wanted until, just as suddenly, it wasn't. When you're young everything feels so intense and so real that it's hard to see an infatuation for what it is, but it's fleeting—chemical. Love lasts, and it's much more than sex; if you remember nothing else of what I tell you, remember that. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the future."

Ciri wrinkled her nose. "I don't think I'll ever want something like that."

"You may not, and that is okay too."

Ciri nodded, hopefully understanding that she did not have to grow up and do what everyone else was, just because she thought she was supposed to. Triss did not want that for her. "Triss?" she asked suddenly, looking back up at the woman across from her.

"Mm?"

"How do you know when it's real?"

Triss pursed her lips, looking down at her potion. "You just do," she told her softly, because she knew. Triss had known for quite a long time, but had never allowed herself to mentally accept it, let alone say it aloud. Just saying that was the closest she had ever gotten, and her chest tightened as her stomach did flips at the thought of the woman she had left waiting for her.

"Come, you need to drink this," Triss instructed as a way to change the subject. She dipped a mug into the potion, only filling it with a sip or two. That would be more than sufficient for a couple hours of relief, and this way Ciri would have more when she needed it. She held it out to the girl in offering and Ciri exhaled a small sigh as she scooted her butt off the table.

"That wasn't a real answer," she complained, but took the mug in her hands.

"Perhaps not, but it is the best one I have for you," Triss told her, gently gesturing for her to drink up. Ciri did as she expected, but pulled a face at the taste. Still not any better then; Triss would have to work on that. "Love is not something I had experienced until very recently, and I didn't 'fall' for her so much as I just woke up one day and realized she was already in my heart. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you."

"Wait— her?" Ciri asked as she perked up, the bad taste of the potion instantly forgotten. "You can do that? You don't have to fall in love with a boy?"

Triss laughed. "Of course you can do that. Love can be for anyone, so long as they deserve it."

Ciri's eyes widened as a whole other world opened up to her. "Oh," she breathed with a smile. It looked like her mind was racing with possibilities, and Triss smiled softly. "I think I'd like that much better."

Triss reached down, affectionately ruffling the girl's ashen hair. "I do too, little one," she told her with a grin, realizing that she really was happier than she had ever been. "I do too."

[x]

"No."

"What do you mean, no?" Triss asked, both flabbergasted and offended by Philippa's refusal. She had finally made her way back to Montecalvo after nearly a year of being gone, and while at first everything was wonderful and amazing again, suddenly Philippa was inexplicably distancing herself, and Triss did not understand why. She was fairly certain it had something to do with the upcoming banquet though, because ever since Triss had brought it up, Philippa had been trying to distract her with other things she could do that night. Finally, however, she straight-out refused to bring her instead of dancing around the issue, and Triss was mad.

"You will bring me to Thanedd, otherwise I will have Yennefer bring me – those are your only two choices. After all, you are not the only one who supports my position to join the Council, and it was her who told me about the gathering in the first place."

Which was surprising in and of itself, as Yennefer was not happy at first that Triss had gone behind her back and seen Geralt. Now that she had met Ciri though, her fury had lessened significantly, and she understood why Triss had gone. She still wasn't pleased by any means, but at least she wasn't accusing her of trying to sleep with him again, although mostly because Triss had convinced her that she wasn't by blurting out how in love she was with Philippa.

At this very moment though, it was hard to remember why.

Philippa pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's a boring party— I fail to see why it interests you so much."

"It interests me because you clearly do not want me there," Triss responded bluntly as she folded her arms over her chest. "What aren't you telling me? And I swear, if you say 'nothing', I will not hesitate to turn you into a moth so I can watch you repeatedly bang your face on the glass of my lantern."

Despite herself, Philippa snorted at her idea of punishment. "Creative."

"Thank you."

Triss stared at her as she waited for an explanation. Finally, Philippa relented with a sigh. "This gathering will not be a harmonious one," she revealed. "There are traitors among us, and while the Northern supporters wish to weed them out with as little violence as possible, I cannot guarantee that you will be safe should you accompany me. I do not wish to have a repeat of Sodden."

Triss' stomach tightened into knots. While she understood Philippa's hesitancy to include her, it in no way made her feel good. It made her feel small, useless. That was not who she wanted to be anymore. "Do you think me weak? Is that it?"

"No, of course not—"

"If something happens you'll need all the support you can get, yet you want to leave me here, where I can do nothing but wait and worry? I'm not some helpless maiden nor a scared child, Philippa! How fucking dare you, honestly—"

"It's not about you, alright?" Philippa snapped. "You are not the only one who Sodden affected. I know you are capable, and I know you wish to help me, but you are my weakness, Triss. I cannot do what I need to do if I am constantly worried about you. I need you to understand that."

"No, what you need to understand is that I am adult capable of making my own decisions. Just as you're concerned what will happen to me if I'm there, I'll be concerned about what will happen to you if I'm not. I will never let you fight alone, Phil. Never." Triss took another step towards her then, her expression grave as she reminded her, "And I shouldn't be your weakness; caring about someone doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. Besides, we've always been stronger together than we are apart, or have you forgotten?"

Philippa exhaled a resigned breath. "…Of course I haven't forgotten, pet."

"Then if the North needs allies, you have one," Triss told her strongly. The prospect of another battle worried her, but she refused to run scared. She was through with running from anything anymore. "You have a much better chance at succeeding with another mage on your side. Please," Triss pleaded, cupping the other woman's cheek in her hand as she searched her eyes. "Please tell me you believe me. That you believe in me. I can help you, I promise."

Philippa looked at her for a long time, her brow creased as a range of emotions played out across her face. "I believe you," she finally said, her tone so much softer than Triss had though she had ever heard it. "You may come, but do not leave my side. That is all I ask."

"Not wanting to leave your side was the reason I wanted to come in the first place," Triss admitted in a whisper, her thumb tracing the contour of her lover's cheek. For such a hardened woman, Philippa was soft where it mattered. "Because I'm never going to. Not anymore. Is that okay with you?"

Philippa exhaled a small breath as she placed her hand against the one pressed to her cheek. "For awhile now, it seems," she answered in a resigned tone, as though she was just now realizing what that really meant, and that she had no way of escaping it anymore even if she wanted to.

But she didn't. Neither of them did… for awhile now.

TBC…