My life as a new bride was nearly perfect. All I lacked to make my joy complete was the ability to bless my husband with a child. Uriyah was a kind man, and although I did not feel strong love for him, I did enjoy his companionship.

The month arrived when I did not experience my impurity. Dared I hope I now carried new life? I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but it was still too early to be certain.

I was frightened when I remembered my sister's agonizing death, but I felt love stir within me when I saw mothers rocking their babies. I wondered if I carried a strong son or a beautiful daughter. Without realizing what I was doing, I would wrap my arms around my own waist, as if guarding the precious life within me from the outside world.

Until this moment, I had never realized how much I wanted a child, but now I could think of nothing I had ever wanted more. I silently prayed there would be other signs to confirm my suspicions.

I reminded myself not to rush to conclusions. Ima had warned me when I became a woman that sometimes my body would delay its natural course. Any manner of stress could delay or hasten my time of impurity.

I could hardly believe forbidden pleasures were such a normal part of life. No one ever spoke of such topics, but all around us were marriages and births. There were laws concerning health for men and women about even the most personal matters, and all animals instinctually obeyed the command to bring forth their own kind.

However, we also emphasized purity and fidelity. A woman seized by a man who wished to take her by force was blameless if she cried out, but if she willingly offered herself to him, they must be put to death for their relations outside of marriage.

Once when Uriyah reached for me in the middle of the night, I refused his advances. My chest was sore, and it seemed to have grown in size. I had also spent the day without food because anything I ate hurt my stomach.

"Are you ill?" my husband asked kindly.

"Just tired," I answered.

It was true. Although I had done very little that day, I was exhausted.

I tossed and turned most of the night. When I found a position that relieved my backache, my migraine began anew. When I finally found relief from my aching head, I was awakened by the pain in my back.

"Shall I summon the physician?" Uriyah offered.

"It's nothing," I assured him.

"Another woman then? Someone with knowledge of herbs?"

"It's just a passing illness. I'll be well soon."

Although I could tell my husband wasn't convinced, he said nothing more. He simply turned over and fell asleep. I did enjoy Uriyah's companionship, and I wondered if having his baby would cause us to love each other.

My cousin, Yonit, had married for love. Some girls might be disowned for choosing their own husbands and being wed in secret, but when Yonit had told her mother who she wished to marry, Aunt Naamiy had been delighted at having a son-in-law of such integrity. Since Yonit was not yet betrothed to any man, my aunt had gently persuaded my uncle that it would be a suitable match, and he had arranged the details of the marriage.

While awaiting the day of her wedding, Yonit's face had reddened whenever she thought of her husband, and she had smiled and shyly looked to the ground. She often sighed with contentment as her eyes stared vacantly across the room, and she would often wrap her arms around herself, as if imagining a tender embrace. Not once did she cease her chatter about the future, which was mostly implausible daydreams rather than anything logical grounded in reality.

On the day her husband came for her, Yonit's eyes glowed with warmth like a gentle fire, but they also dazzled with excitement. She seemed like a young child receiving a surprise gift.

Breaking all tradition, she didn't wait for Meydad to knock on the door. When she saw him through the window, Yonit flung open the door and ran to meet him. As soon as Meydad saw his bride running toward him, he also ran toward her. They met in a strong embrace, and Meydad lifted Yonit into his arms and twirled her around a few times.

"Long have I awaited this joyous day!" she exclaimed jubilantly, her eyes dazzling like starlight. "I am proud to be your wife!"

Right in front of everyone, while Yonit was still in her husband's arms, they kissed passionately. They kept grabbing each other's heads, as if trying to pull closer still. Tenderly stroking Yonit's hair while she ran her hand down the side of his face, Meydad carried her all the way to their chamber.

To my surprise, the sounds that came from the other side of the door were purely of elation, not of pain. I remembered that it was different for every woman. While some brides writhed in anguish, others felt only slight discomfort.

Eliana, Yonit's eldest sister, clicked her tongue in disapproval, scowling at the door. That was the moment I understood. Yonit had not been a maiden on the day of her wedding.

I silently prayed that the couple would be happy together forever. Otherwise, if Meydad became displeased with Yonit, he could announce she was not chaste when they were married, and she would be stoned to death.

"He won't accuse her of playing the harlot," Eliana whispered, as if able to hear my thoughts. "He shamed her by stealing her chastity, and now he has made amends by taking her as his legal wife."

I nodded, but I wondered if Yonit's chastity had truly been stolen rather than freely given. Surely she would not be so delighted with her husband if he had forced himself on her.

Pushing aside such memories, I tried once again to sleep, still wondering if the arrival of our baby would cause Uriyah and I to love each other as much as Meydad and Yonit. Then again, what if I were truly ill, and I carried no new life inside me?

I knew worrying did more harm than good, but I couldn't help myself. I knew I ought to be grateful that Uriyah and I were so compatible and enjoyed each other's company, but I wanted to feel overpowering desire to be near him, and I wanted to be the most important thing in my husband's life.