"Isn't that right, Hikky?"

Those four words rang in my head like dumbbells smacking against the wall. When did Yuigahama become so smug?! Did Isshiki somehow got her claws on Yui? In that case…

I glare at her with my dead-fish gaze at full strength, and almost instantly her demeanor changed.

"U-uh, that is, if you want to tell us. You don't have to…" Ugh, now I feel bad for her. I soften my gaze and motioned her towards the direction of her seat.

"I'll… get back to you on that later. Hiratsuka-sensei, you can take my chair; I'll get myself another one." I said as I begin to move, though I swear I can feel an amused stare from Yukinoshita when I finished that last sentence.

Laugh it up, woman. Judgmental prick… though I can't say that it's not funny from an outside perspective.

…Damn, I just scarred myself thinking about Yukinoshita and an adult Hayama. Ugh, the sheer disgust and amusement that welled up inside me almost made me stumble from the psychological dissonance, before I righted myself up and walk properly.

Anyway, once we all sat down, with my clubmates sitting in a triangle configuration in one table, and Hiratsuka-sensei in the far end of the other table (my old spot), there was a semi-awkward moment where we all stare at each other, looking around, waiting for someone to say something and break the tension. The teacup on each person's table did not help in the slightest.

Yuigahama started hesitantly. "So uh… I brought Hiratsuka-sensei to be our mediator cause, well, I think that with an adult we can solve our problems a lot easier, you know? Especially with the… understanding we had of Hikky from yesterday – "

"Don't beat around the bush, just say that you read my journal. Can't see why you did that in the first place…" I trailed off as I look at Yuigahama. Sensei looked at me in surprise.

"You took my advice all those months ago? Heh, and here I thought you never listen to me." Oh, I always listen to you, alright, it's just more selective than the average person.

"Uh huh. And in light of that knowledge, you should also know the context of our… problems, I guess." I continue, before having flashbacks of the field-trip. I dragged my bag near me, and brought out the leather-bound journal, before throwing it at Sensei like a shuriken.

She caught it expertly, like a professional catching a Frisbee disk.

"Open page 147. You should see where I started writing about the fieldtrip. Take your time reading it."

The only reason why I am so casual in lending her my journal, was that there is nothing explicitly embarrassing in that particular chapter of my life. Nothing, except teenage drama and edgy soliloquy.

And she had seen plenty of that last part from me alone.

Besides, it would be a more comprehensive overview of the event. I tried to recreate the dialogues as closely as possible, free from bias (except my own view on said events in between). Although memory distortion may have occurred, it would be no better than my fellow clubmates.

It was an unusual five minutes, waiting for sensei to read over the chapter. Yuigahama's eyes lingered on the book, looking glassy; probably having flashbacks to the nice girl speech I wrote about her. Yukinoshita looked at Yuigahama with concern, as if worried that she would break if I were to start speaking to her.

Honestly, these girls are a bit too dramatic for my taste. Concern is nice and all, but the amount of it is borderline lesbian when looked at a certain angle.

Aah, thanks for the mental image, brain. I needed that boost for the upcoming conversation we are going to have. Not.

Alright, focus Hachiman; you can lewd them whenever you want after this. Right now, it's serious time for serious people in a serious situation. It's very serious, if you can't see that.

The silence is occasionally interrupted by sips of herbal tea, and club members making googly eyes at each other. Or, to be more accurate, keep trying to send each other messages by looking at each other in the eyes intensely.

Am I missing something, or are there lesbian subtexts in- nope, that's enough. I've met my lewd thought quota for the day, several times over.

Alas, the moment ended when sensei put down the book with a small thump.

"Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, you guys read this, right? How accurate was it?"

The previously mentioned girls locked their eyes with each other, communicating through sheer will and mirror neurons. Both nodded at each other.

"The dialogues are mostly accurate, sensei, though I can't say the same about his commentary." Yukinoshita answered for the both of them, as she and Yuigahama glared at me simultaneously.

I remain unfazed.

"I stand by my commentary. They are logical and valid, are they not?" The logic demonstrated within the journal is pretty simple, all things considered. I'd even go so far as to say that even Yuigahama can comprehend all the concepts I've written inside it. My solutions to the situation have a lot of valid conjectures to them, too, so why are they dismissing it?

It worked, didn't it? I've successfully maintained the status-quo, maintained the façade that bind them together. Their own fake, but happy world, survived the turbulence.

After all, didn't I say that you can't satisfy everyone, you can only compromise in this situation?

A small voice inside me pointed out that it's not the result they are unsatisfied about, but the means to get it.

I crushed it as an afterthought – the ends justify the means is a very kounibyou phrase, but it's a valid one, in my case.

"Hikigaya… sometimes you're as dense as a protagonist in an anime. Actually, I take that back; you know exactly what the problems are, their source, and theoretically how to solve them." Hiratsuka-sensei said with an irritated tone. "However, you're just too… afraid to implement them, aren't you?" Tch.

I grit my teeth, and thought about it.

Yes, I'm aware that my clubmates don't like it when I put myself out as a scapegoat. Yes, I'm aware that when I am hurt, they're also hurt emotionally (Even though I just cannot see why. Empathy alone is incapable of such an emotional response from Yuigahama!). Yes, I am aware of the simple 'solution' of simply talking about the problems with my clubmates.

But doubt clouds me in every step of the way.

What if I'm wrong? What if they are simply being nice? What if I am so starved for social interactions that I assume from their reactions more than what reality indicates? What if they don't understand me? What if they don't accept me for who I am, if I were to open up?

What would happen to our relationship then?

I hate uncertainties. To not understand something and enacting on them is the height of foolishness. Emotions cloud judgement, and in this unknown territory of close relationships, I…

I just don't know what to do.

I'd ignore the problem. Clam up. Wishing that in time, everything will be normal.

And like all human beings, I dislike changes.

So, yesterday-me thought, the status-quo it is.

In the silence after the question, I realized that I have been holding on the table with white knuckles, my hand cramping up from the exertion.

I relaxed it, and took a subtle, deep breath.

"Yes." I finally managed to get it through. "Yes, I'm a coward, so what?"

"Hikky, do you remember when you said that you had a plan? Back in the Tobe confession trip?" Yuigahama interjected. What does that have to do with this?

"Yeah, and so?" I ask, irritated, wanting her to get to the point.

"So - Yukinoshita immediately accede to you! I – we both trusted you and your unknown and spontaneous plan, despite your past reliability!" She yelled and stood up, her eyes almost seem to be filled with righteous fire, before softening.

"We trust you, Hikky. And we value you too. You know that, right?"

…

Not really, no. Not until now, at least.

"There, I said it! That wasn't too hard now, was it Yukinon?" She mumbled to her partner at the side, and slump down on her seat.

There was a long silence as I stare at Yuigahama. I know there are a lot more things she wanted to say, obviously things from the journal, but she is now spent, and I doubt that she still has the energy to deal with any other heavy emotions for the day. Normally she would've grown increasingly nervous as I let my gaze fall on her for more than a few seconds, but now, she just stares back at me with a tired gaze, maintaining it for an uncharacteristically long amount of time.

"Hikigaya." Hiratsuka-sensei called my attention. "What do you want?"

"…What do you mean?"

"You heard me. What do you want out of this relationship, this club?"

What I want?

What a selfish question. To want is to take. And to take in this zero-sum world we are living in, means that someone else must suffer the cost.

Emotions, however, are rarely logical. Human emotions are neither rational nor logical, and with that established, I delve deep into my deliberately buried emotional side.

What do I want out of this relationship?

Companionship? That much is a given, sensei is not asking for that. What does she mean?

Hayato's group exemplifies what I hate the most. What is the opposite of that, I wonder? The opposite of fake, façade…

"I… I want something real. Something… something genuine." I looked up at Hiratsuka-sensei. She motioned a "go on" gesture with her head.

"It's just… I hate ambiguity. I'm afraid of not knowing, not understanding what others are thinking. After thinking for a bit, it's… probably the source of my trust issue. It's why I always try to read between the lines, why I always assume the worse out of people, because at least if I'm right, I'd feel vindicated, and right. If I'm wrong, then… well, that would be a pleasant surprise now, would it."

I pause, feeling my parched throat. Holding up a finger to signal that I am not finished, I finished my cup of the now-cold tea.

Yukinoshita silently refilled my cup.

Nodding her thanks, I continued.

"It's because of assumption, I never thought of taking the initiative, because I am afraid of disrupting the status quo. I've fallen right for the trap of Hayama's group." I chuckled quietly at the irony. "I want to know more about Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, but at the same time, I just don't know. The ambiguity of how they would react to confrontation, it's… agonizing. Which is why I guess and guess, over and over again in the journal so much about other people's mental state. So many… preconceptions from myself. So many conjectures, hypothesis, psych fuckin evaluations." I stopped, blinking some tears out of my eyes.

How embarrassing.

"So… there it is. My insecurities laid bare. Thanks for listening to my TED Talk."

Hiratsuka-sensei snorted lightly. "As eloquent as always, Hikigaya."

I smirked through teary eyes. "What can I say? It comes natural."

Feeling the exhaustion of practically vivisecting my psychological state out for the world to see, I slumped down on my chair, not unlike Yuigahama's own style, before breathing out a big sigh, and looked at my clubmates.

Yukinoshita looked surprised. Very much so that her mouth was agape. She then noticed me staring and schooled her expression into something that look elegant while simultaneously blushing lightly. Heh, I caught her when she let her guard down!

Meanwhile, Yuigahama faired much better under my gaze; her smile practically outshines every other object in the universe (even Totsuka's!). It was so… genuine and happy that one would think that her crush has just confessed to her.

It was rejuvenating, in more ways than one.

Hiratsuka-sensei stood up, and declared. "I think my job here is done, then." She said smugly, proud of herself, and stood up.

"All of you. Think about what happened today. Reflect on them. If there is something you don't know about someone, ask the person in question. However, that is for tomorrow. At least some of us are exhausted from this whole ordeal, huh?

The Service Club members nodded collectively.

"Alright then, I'll be going, then. You guys still have five minutes left until club ends." Wait, what? Time is relative indeed, but Kami, it has never been so obvious before. "So enjoy your time together. Sayonara~"

And with a twirl, she walked out the door.

We listened to the clacking of sensei's heel, until it dissipates out of range.

The silence that descended upon us afterwards, was not the awkward atmosphere of before.

It was of acceptance.

Can't say I don't like it.

We silently begin packing our bags, the brushing of books and whine of zippers made for a strangely comfortable background noise, as our head are filled with relief, as if our baggage were lifted from our shoulders.

It's strange that we are feeling this now, despite having not actually talked about it and therefore solve it, but it's there, either way.

We walked together, from the classroom to the school gate. Almost slowly, as if relishing the presence of each other.

…I'm probably projecting heavily at this point, but really, do I care?

No, not really.

We stopped at the school gate, in the cool summer breeze. Neither of us saying anything.

Yukinoshita, being the mature person that she is, was the first to say something.

"I am glad of this opportunity to finally talk about it, Hikigaya-kun. There's a lot of other things to resolve, but this is a right direction we are heading, I think."

I nodded, nothing I want to say at the moment.

"Thank you for bringing Hiratsuka-sensei to our session, Yuigahama-san. She was most helpful in our session."

Yuigahama gave a thumbs up. Probably too tired to speak.

We stood there, with nothing else to say.

"…What, really? Do I really have to do it myself?... you guys are so… nevermind. Come here!" Yuigahama grabbed us suddenly. I yelped in surprise as I am buried into the shoulders of Yuigahama and Yukinoshita.

…

A hug.

I haven't had one for years from anyone beside Komachi.

…

That was such a sad statement, holy shit. Need to tone down on stuff like that in my head, gosh.

With that said, we parted a few seconds after.

I felt warm.

"So… see you guys tomorrow?" I said numbly.

"Is that a question, Hikigaya-kun? Are you so afraid of us now that we know all your dark secrets?" Yukinoshita teases (never have I ever thought of Yukinoshita teasing before).

"Hell no. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Bye Hikky! See you tomorrow, Yukinoshita-chan!" yelled Yuigahama as she begin to walk away.

"Yuigahama-san. Hikigaya-kun."

And thus, in separate directions, we parted ways.

For the first time in my seventeen years of life, I feel like… like it's going to be okay.

It's going to be alright.