Steve was working the punching bag with a flurry of strikes. It had been 11 days since he had last seen or heard from Natasha. She wasn't in Jiu Jitsu classes or any of "their" regular haunts. They hadn't gone this long without talking or texting since they started lessons. It bothered him but he knew better than to try to reach out and force her to communicate. As much as it went against everything he wanted to do he knew he would have to wait this out.
He felt his old tension and clouded mind returning. He was very much on edge and now was working out 3 hours a day to keep his mind clear. Trying to keep all the various frustrations he felt at bay and only barely succeeding.
He hadn't realised it until now but Natasha had been keeping his frustration with the S.H.I.E.L.D and Bucky situations under control. While spending time with her those problems, heck even the whole world seemed to fall away. Like the two of them were the only people in the whole universe.
Steve couldn't think of her without feeling his pulse quickening, breath catch and a smile tug the corners of his mouth. It had been building slowly but now there was no doubt. Steve had feelings for Natasha Romanoff.
Not seeing her was driving him crazy.
Finally his phone beeped with a text from her.
Rogers. My place tomorrow night at 9pm.
Steve gulped. She had never invited him over to her place before, nor had they ever had a lesson so late. What lesson would she have in store for him? Would she want to reach the final physical lesson and have sex with him? Was he ready to finally cross that line?
If there was anyone he thought he would go all the way with it would have been Peggy. He couldn't be just physical with a woman and have sex. He could only make love for his first time. Before this month he wouldn't have considered anyone else as taking her place, but now he could see himself crossing that final line with Natasha. Because he cared and he had fallen in love or was very close to it with her.
It wasn't the sexy, mysterious woman that the she played to the world (though Steve could appreciate she was beautiful and there were many layers to her) that Steve was enamoured with. Steve fell for the athletic, competitive, sassy and quick witted woman who loved romantic comedies. It was the softer side she never let come out and her slowly opening up to him that touched him. He even missed the way she would tease him.
But this next lesson was probably the final physical one and Steve was terrified at the prospect of finally doing it.
What if things became awkward between them afterwards? What if it made things so awkward they couldn't work together any more? What if he was bad? He still didn't really know what to do. What if it was over too soon? Should he just let her take the lead? What if he took the lead and lost control like the he almost did the last time? What if he loved her but it was just physical for her?
Steve resumed pounding the bag. He had a whole new set of problems whirling through his mind that needed working out and no-one he could ask for advice.
The next afternoon he showered and shaved with care. He went to his room and tried on a few outfits before settling on his new dark jeans, plaid button down shirt and his brown leather jacket. He wanted to be comfortable and a little dressed up but still casual.
He rode his bike over to Natasha's, relishing the feel of the wind whipping around him, the complete focus it took travelling at high speed to keep his mind off his anxiety and nerves. He walked to the front door of her building, his heart pounding, mouth dry, hands sweaty and shaking slightly.
Get it together Steve! He chided himself.
Taking a deep breath to steady his nerves he pressed the buzzer to her apartment. He waited 10 seconds, 20, 30. He wasn't sure if he was more relived or disapointed at getting no reply. He turned to leave when Natasha's voice rang out. "Yes?"
Taking another breath Steve replied. "It's...it's me.
BZZZZZ and the building door clicked open.
Steve grabbed the door handle, took a deep breath and entered her building. He was torn between wanting to run towards her and running away from her. He was afraid of what he was certain she had planned, about what it would mean for him, for the team, for them. But he was even more afraid of what would happen between them if he didn't go.
He arrived at her door after the longest, most terrifying elevator ride of his life, even worse then when he fought the secret Hydra agents in the S.H.I.E.L.D building. He felt his anxiety increase with every step towards her front door. Finally he was outside her apartment (the penthouse, naturally) and knocked.
Natasha for her part was nervous but determined. She had spent a long, long time considering what tonight's lesson would be and had finally decided on Steve spending the night and sleeping with her. She had carefully planned out what she would need and had stocked the kitchen, bathroom and her bedside table with what she deemed necessary items.
Part of her was worried that this would be a mistake, that by spending the night together it would strengthen his feelings for her and make it harder. That doing it this way would make them reach a level of intimacy that she had only shared with one other man, a man she trusted and cared for like no other.
But he needed to learn. And another part was ashamed to admit that she wanted this. Really wanted this special night with him and to be that first woman he shared it with. It was selfish of her, she knew, to put her own desires above his emotional well-being. But it was too late to turn back now. Things had been set in motion that could not be undone, that should not be undone.
She took a slow pull of her cool drink and set it carefully on the table, waiting for his knock at her door to announce his arrival. His knock sounded soft, almost timid and not at all like the man she had come to know. She crossed the dimly lit room and opened the door.
The door swung open to reveal Natasha wearing no makeup and dressed in a singlet top and matching pair of shorts no longer than mid thigh. Steve swallowed nervously feeling very self conscious and over dressed.
"Hey Cap." Natasha greeted, her voice low and husky.
"N..Natasha"
"Come on in."
Steve stepped slowly over the threshold. He was unsure of himself, his eyes downcast and barely knew where to look or what to do. This was unfamiliar territory in so many ways. He stood by the door, not daring to go any further or get any closer to her retreating form.
Natasha turned back and noticed that he hadn't moved from the entrance and was shy and closed down. She hadn't seen him like this since that day that seemed like an eternity ago when over breakfast where he confessed he was a virgin. She crossed the room back to him.
"Cap? What's wrong?"
"Natasha... I've never..." he faltered
"Never seen my apartment before?"
He didn't even smile weakly at her joke. He was still there in the corner and in that moment Natasha could see that shy, scrawny kid he had been instead of the confident man she knew he had grown into.
"Steve, look at me."
Steve couldn't. His eyes glued to the floor, hands slightly shaking.
"Steve." She spoke softly, tilting his chin up, forcing his eyes to meet hers. In her eyes he saw concern, compassion and tenderness. He felt his fear, his nerves easing. She kissed him, softly. He kissed her back on instinct but then quickly pulled away,
Natasha gently stroked his face and held his gaze, her voice calming, low and soothing.
"I promise you that nothing will happen tonight that you don't want. But this is an important lesson that I've got planned and you're ready for it."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
"But what if I'm not sure?"
She leaned in to kiss him again but Steve was still reluctant and turned his head.
"Do you trust me?" She asked.
Steve looked into her eyes again. He felt like he could see her, truly see her, for the first time and saw a vulnerability that he was sure matched his. He nodded. He already trusted her with his life and now he was ready to trust her with something more.
She closed the distance between their lips again, still gentle but now more urgently. He let himself go with it this time, let himself enjoy it. The familiarity of her scent, of her lips, the way the two of them were so compatible and how it just felt right. No other woman he had kissed had ever felt like this.
Natasha reached up to his shoulders and pushed his jacket off and let it fall to the ground before her hands slowly, sensuously started to undo the buttons on his shirt soon joined the jacket. Steve ran his hands along her arms and felt goosebumps erupt under his touch as she shivered in delight.
"Shoes. Take off your shoes" She whispered
Steve wriggled his feet out of his shoes and almost fell into Natasha in his haste. She giggled and kissed him lightly on his lips quickly breaking away.
"Follow me." She commanded, taking his hand, intertwining their fingers and leading him to her bedroom. Steve barely had time to appreciate the sleek, modern apartment and floor to ceiling windows before he found himself in her bedroom. There was a large bed across from the windows and the way the room was built and windows and furniture was placed made it feel almost like you were lying outside and gazing up at the stars.
"Wow. It's beautiful." He murmured.
Natasha laid back on her bed. "The views even better from down here."
Steve watched her face carefully. She didn't seem to be making an entendre, more of an observation which put him at ease. He joined her on her bed and stared straight up taking in the beautiful starry sky. Lying there felt quiet, peaceful and like you were alone yet one with the sky.
"You're right."
"As usual."
Steve ignored her. "It is an amazing view."
"It's why it's my favourite place in the whole world."
They lay there quietly next to each other, watching the stars for many minutes before Steve broke the silence between them.
"Ok... so what happens now? You didn't invite me over to just enjoy the view ... so what am I learning tonight?"
"How to sleep with a woman."
"But I thought ... we weren't doing that?"
"We aren't... well not in the way that you think. There's another way to sleep together. You talk, you kiss a little bit and actually sleep next to each other. No sex."
Steve sighed with relief. That was a massive weight of anxiety and preassure off his shoulders. But there was something he was curious about.
"Well then why did you start by kissing me and pulling me into your bedroom?"
"It was the easiest way to get you here and explain it to you."
"You could have told me." He replied shortly.
"Sure, I could have sat you on my sofa and said "Cap, we're sleeping together tonight. Please strip down to your underwear and climb into my bed." Nothing awkward about that sentence at all."
"You wouldn't have to say it like that." Steve chastised.
"Oh really? How would you have explained it?"
"Steve... I want to sleep next to you."
"And...?" Natasha pressed.
"And... please dress like you're going to go to sleep?"
"Is this the part where you say you don't have pyjamas here and I ask you to strip?"
"No."
"Then what part is it?"
"It's... um... well"
Natasha laughed and lightly swatted his arm. "Why can't you just admit that I'm right?"
Steve reached up and grabbed the pillow under her head and playfully hit her with it.
Natasha took the pillow from him and smiled wickedly. "You are in so much trouble, Cap." and she started to hit him.
Steve grabbed another pillow off the bed and rolled off the edge using it as a shield. It wasn't too effective as Natasha was hitting around the sides of the pillow shield and still getting him.
"I thought you'd be better at using a shield than this."
"Romanoff!" Steve barked, backing away
"Fight back." She challenged.
Steve suddenly pushed forwards, his pillow shield hitting her in the torso, distracting her for a moment before he wrapped her up in his arms and pushed them both back into bed. They landed, their faces just an inch apart, the tension heavy between them.
"Surrender?" They both asked at the same time.
"Natasha, I have the superior position."
"That's what you think." Natasha swung her body around underneath him, breaking his grip and quickly slid out from under him.
"Oh no you don't." Steve grabbed her and pulled her back.
Natasha used the momentum of his pull and her weight to roll Steve onto his back, sitting on his chest and pinning his arms with her knees.
"This is where I normally shock you or put a bullet in you. I win."
"And when you were hitting me is normally when I use my shield to knock you down. So.. I won."
"Not from where I'm sitting, Cap."
Cap, being able to use his strength to over power her technique and quickly flipped her on to her back, his hands pinning hers above her head, his legs outside of hers and keeping them from escaping.
"How about now, Natasha?" his face so close to hers.
Natasha closed her eyes and leaned her head froward. Steve needed no further invitation and closed the distance between their lips, passionate but sweet and long. After what felt like an eternity they finally broke apart. Steve kissed her cheek tenderly as he released her hands and shifted his legs so Natasha could get more comfortable. Natasha rolled away from him but turned to face him and he lay there looking at her.
"So what was that?" Steve asked.
"Play fighting."
"Play fighting?"
"Yeah. You have a fake, fun little fight where its all play." Natasha explained.
"It didn't all feel like play."
"Aw ... did the mean spy hurt poor Captain America? Where does it hurt, super solider? Need me to get some bandages?" She teased.
"Romanoff..." He warned.
"Maybe a second round? Should I go easy on you this time, grandpa?"
"You're impossible."
"I play to win."
"I can tell. It's just...you got a little ... rough."
"And that's a problem?"
"I don't want to get too much like a real fight. I might hurt you if I get rough."
"I might enjoy getting rough." Natasha said slyly.
"Is play fighting normally part of ... sleeping together?" Steve asked, changing the subject. Those were topics he was certainly not ready for.
"No. But it can sometimes happen if you have the right partner."
Steve smiled ruefully before his voice came out gentle but direct. "So what happens now?"
"We talk."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"About?"
"Anything, really. Things you like and we have in common, hopes, dreams, plans for the future." Natasha reeled off.
"So Natasha ... what do you have planned for your future now that you are no longer a spy?" Steve asked awkwardly.
"A bit of an awkward way to word it Cap. But I'll humour you." Natasha paused, momentarily lost in thought.
"I've never really thought about a future. Any mission could see me captured or killed so you tend to live in the now instead of dwelling in the past or planning a future you very likely will never see." She paused before continuing. "In my line of work you really aren't supposed to have attachments or anything that can distract you from a mission or be used against you. But in my hypothetical "The world is saved and I retire peacefully scenario?" I'd like to hope that one day I get to retire here and live a normal life."
"What's your version of a normal life?"
"I don't know. Maybe a dog or cat, a "normal" job or maybe I work from home. Go out to see movies with my girlfriends, eat brunch, spend summers goofing off at the beach. That kinda stuff."
"That doesn't sound like you. You don't really do girlfriends. And no boyfriend?"
"In my hypothetical future? No, I haven't really thought about it."
"Huh."
"What about you, Cap? Ever thought of what you'd do once you can't be on missions anymore?"
"I ... for the longest time in my upbringing it was always assumed you'd meet a nice girl, get married, buy a house with a white picket fence in suburbia, raise a family while the man works in the city."
"The American dream."
"The American dream. I always assumed I'd have it or that I should strive for it."
"Assumed?"
"I was only like this for a few months before ... before I went under. I didn't really think it would happen for me given the circumstances."
"And now? Do you still want that American dream? Or is there something else?"
"I don't know. All I know is there is a world that needs protecting and I'm going to be there to do it."
"Always the hero." She teased.
"I try to be." Steve answered truthfully. "Natasha?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm really glad that this is tonight's lesson. This is ... nice. Not at all what I was expecting."
"Did you think I was inviting you over for sex, Steve?"
He blushed scarlet red. "Maybe. I don't know what you were planning or what inviting me over so late means."
"Well normally you aren't wrong. A woman texting you to come over late at night? Yeah, she's probably got one thing on her mind and it isn't cuddling. How do you feel now you know we're not going to have sex? "
"Kinda relieved, actually."
"Oh?" Her eyebrow arched her tone somewhere between insulted and amused.
"Yeah.. I mean I still don't know what to do and God you are so beautiful and .."
"The next word out of your mouth had better not be experienced." Natasha warned him.
"Intimidating. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous or a bit scared about doing ...it."
"Which is why we're not. I know you, Steve. You need your first time to be romantic...special and with someone you're in love with. That's not something I can or have ever offered."
"To anyone? You've never been in love?' Steve asked, puzzled.
"Maybe once... but I'm not sure and it was a very long time ago. But that's enough about me and my past. What about you? What did you think your first time would be like?"
"On my wedding night with my wife in a crappy apartment or hotel room. After a pep talk from my best man Bucky."
The mere mention of his name was enough to bring a sobering coldness to the room. It was the exact same way Natasha felt when she found out Barton had been compromised and taken by Loki.
"You still miss him, don't you?"
"Yeah.. I do." He paused. "You ever have a friend that you know has your back no matter what? That has been through pretty much everything with you, seen you at your worst and still offered their help. They're more than your friend, they're your family because you had none. They've and has put their ass on the line to save yours God knows how many times but the one time it really counts you couldn't save them?"
"You know I do." Natasha replied as she touched the arrow pendant on her necklace subconsciously. "I understand better than anyone else on the team."
"How do you get over it? Knowing that your failure is why they're gone? Knowing because you weren't there for him that he ended up being used as a puppet, as a pawn against you?"
Her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. "Initially I was so cold and empty inside. It killed me, Steve. You know that. The only thing worse than seeing all the bad things he did was knowing it was my fault. But you can't dwell on it Steve. Blaming yourself, thinking "what if". It doesn't help you or get you closer to finding them. "
"How can I help but see it any other way? I let him go, Nat. If I had been stronger or had gone back..."
"Steve, you need to stop it. You can't beat yourself up about a past you can't change. You can only change what happens next and you'll never do it, never find him if you are determined to be stuck in the past."
"It's easy for you to say. You got Barton back, Nat." Steve reminded her.
"Had to kick his ass to do it. But it was worth it." she smiled ruefully.
"I don't think that'll be quite enough for me to get Bucky back."
"Because he's the one doing the ass kicking?"
"Natasha." Steve warned
"You'll get him back, Steve. There's no doubt about it. Your determination and loyalty means you'll tear the world apart searching before you give up on a friend."
"You almost did when Loki took Barton." Steve observed.
"Of course I would. Bartons the closest thing I've got to a family besides Fury. He saved me, Steve. He got me out from under the Russians and working for S.H.I.E.L.D. I owe him everything. There's not a thing in the world I wouldn't do for him. He's my Bucky. They're your brother. You can't just turn your back on them."
The silence settled between them again. After a minute Steve spoke "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
After a long, quiet moment Natasha spoke again. "I'm ready to turn in for the night. Get under the covers with me?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"And you'll probably be more comfortable with your pants and belt off."
"Duly noted, Ma'am."
Steve rose and turned his back on her, removing the offending items. Natasha appreciated his fine physique and modesty as a faint blush crept across his cheeks. Turning down the blankets Natasha slid into the bed and motioned for Steve to do the same with a tilt of her head. He joined her and was surprised to find her snuggling close. She kissed him softly on his lips.
"Goodnight Cap. Sweet dreams."
"Goodnight Natasha." he replied kissing her forehead.
She rested her head on his shoulder, hand across his chest. She lay there silently, feeling his heartbeat and the rise and fall of his chest with every breath. Feeling his breathing slow as he drifted off to sleep. She felt so safe, so relaxed, so right lying there with him.
Authors Note
Sorry for the delay! Life and another story of mine have been taking up a lot of my time ... and I'm not happy with the final scene in the next chapter. It's just not giving me the right feels ... you know?
And I need to get my butt working on the sequel so you don't have to wait once this wraps - a double whammy reward for sticking with me.
Hope you enjoy!