Bill wasn't sure when his feelings for Stan had evolved from a friendship into whatever he felt when Stan grinned at him. He wasn't sure when their knees bumping in the clubhouse turned from a game into a way to make his entire brain short circuit. He especially didn't know when his drawings morphed from boats and Georgie and plants in the house to birds and curly hair and freckled faces. He just knew that it happened.
Stan, on the other hand, knew exactly when his feelings changed. Well, maybe that was inaccurate, but he did know exactly how he realised.
They were at the quarry in the middle of summer, all of them- Richie, Eddie, Ben, Bev, Stan, Bill, and Mike. Standing on that ledge, Stan wasn't sure he could do it. Even though he'd done it hundreds of times, leaped off the edge and landed with a roaring splash and come up laughing so hard it hurt, he always felt unsure. See, Stan wasn't exactly a risk-taker in almost every circumstance unless Bill convinced him, which is exactly what happened that summer day.
"C… c… come on Stan, you can do it!" Bill grinned at him, noticing his step back from the edge. His chest tightened as their eyes met. Stan watched Bill's dancing blue eyes, took a deep breath in and nodded, now feeling like he could do anything in the whole world. With that momentary courage, he followed the other losers and jumped as far as he could, splashing into the water and laughing when he came up, as always.
And, as always (even though he didn't want to admit it,) his eyes searched for Bill as soon as he could open them. Bill was watching Stan with a fond smile on his face, looking as if his eyes were made to look at that boy and he could do that forever. Stan felt it then. His heart skipping a beat, heat slowly creeping up his face, just staring at Big Bill. He came back to his senses as Richie splashed him and started running his mouth, as usual, giving him an excuse- no, a reason- to finally drag his eyes away and start repressing his feelings.
He really thought it worked, too. He thought no one else would notice the heart eyes he gave Bill whenever he made a joke, thought no one would notice him sitting a little closer to Bill on the couch during movie nights. He played off them sharing the hammock in the clubhouse as a joke, insisting that "Richie and Eddie do it all the time!" This was always met with a "fuck you, asshole" from either one of them, but Stan didn't give a shit. Especially not if it meant that he got to tangle his legs with Bill's while he read a nature book, and none of the Losers could comment without incurring Eddie's wrath.
Bill didn't need to repress his feelings for Stan, mostly because he was the most oblivious about them. If he had to guess he could probably trace them back to when the two were hanging out on a rainy afternoon and obviously, Stan was reading about birds and telling Bill absolutely everything there was to know. Bill decided that he was beautiful like that when he was excited about something and had a massive grin plastered to his face- one that crinkled his eyes and made his face a little rosier. In fact, he'd learned to draw Stan's favourite bird that very night, just by studying some reference images. When he showed him, Bill's heart skipped a beat and Stan hugged him so tight he felt like he was home.
It was one of those clubhouse nights. Richie and Eddie had the hammock that night, which was ironic seeing as Eddie was the one who cried "Ten-minute rule!" when one of the others dared take a nap or read a particularly engrossing comic in it, but he was a ball of rage and no one ever really minded anyway. Eddie would occasionally kick or poke Richie while they read, which would start a battle of insults which ended with a 'your mom' joke or the words 'Eddie Spaghetti' before peace returned. Ben and Bev were sat cross-legged on the floor, facing each other and playing a dumb game that Bev made up one night. Ben always went along, simply because he believed that she hung the moon, sun, and stars in the sky. He'd follow her anywhere and she would do the same for him, although she wasn't quite as obvious about it. Mike sat near Ben and Bev, reading a book about Derry quietly. Meanwhile, Stan and Bill were sharing a bean bag in the corner.
Their knees bumped a few times before they just sat close enough that their legs pressed against each other. This closeness, this casual intimacy was driving them both insane in the best way. Bill had started drawing Stan, glancing up at him every so often before returning to his sketchbook, while Stan had brought a book- fiction, this time, at Bill's recommendation- but he was reading the same passage over and over again, eyes darting to their legs, to the floor, to Bill's face, and then back to the book. They hadn't been speaking much, but they never felt the need to.
Clearly, Richie Tozier disagreed.
"Hey assholes, you gonna speak at all tonight? Shockingly, there are other people in the room." The group all went quiet.
Eddie scoffed. "Fuck you, I don't blame them for not wanting to speak to you."
"Your mom definitely can't relate; we have all sorts of conversations while I'm fucking he-"
"Beep beep, Richie." Four voices chorused. Bill and Stan remained quiet.
The Losers laughed, Richie started a playfight, and attention was off Stan and Bill once more. Their faces were red as they met eyes and looked away instantly. Thinking desperately of what to say under all the noise from the others, Bill only pathetically stammered "A… a… are you o… okay?" Stan smiled softly, looking at the boy whose heart was stopped by the simple action. "Yeah, I'm just nervous." Fuck. How could he possibly explain that without completely outing himself? He'd said it without thinking. Bill made him do a lot without thinking first, and usually, it made him feel brave but at that very moment, watching Bill's concerned look turn to confusion, he wished the ground could swallow him whole.
"N… n… no way, why would you be nervous?" Think, Stan, think!
"I don't know," his eyes found a spot on the floor that was incredibly interesting. "I guess I always am. Always scared, at least." Bill didn't realise what he was doing until his hand found Stan's and held it tight.
"That can't be true, you're the bravest person I know! You stand up for yourself- "
"Sometimes."
"No! All the time and you stand up for your friends too. You jump off cliffs and ride your bike with no helmet and sneak out of your house some nights to come and meet us. You don't even jump at those dumb horror movies Richie and Bev love so much. You're incredible." Not a single stutter. He was good at speeches, especially when he meant every word. Poor Stan had no idea what to say to any of this. He didn't know how to say that he only did most of that stuff so Bill would think he was brave. He only did it so he could meet those damn blue eyes and feel strong again.
"You make me brave." His voice barely above a whisper, he clung to Bill's hand and gave him a little smile that made Bill's chest ache with fondness. They maintained eye contact for a moment before they couldn't take it anymore, both looking back at the floor with rosy faces and no idea where to go from there.
It took a couple more weeks of pining for anything to happen. They would hold hands sometimes, their hugs would linger more than their hugs with the others, they would be caught staring at each other, usually by Richie. God forbid either one of them teases him about Eddie though, that would start an argument that nobody wanted.
The Losers Club was on their last picnic of the summer at the quarry. Bev and Ben were in charge of the sodas while the others were on the vague 'snack duty.' Richie obviously brought shit tonnes of junk food, Eddie had health snacks provided painstakingly by his mom (no one ate a single one of those,) Mike brought farm-fresh fruit and some cooked sandwich meat, Bill brought some cakes that Georgie helped make and decorate, and Stan brought adorable Tupperware packed with chips and sandwiches- one for everyone. Bill's was the only one that was really personalised, as Stan remembered all his favourites from hours spent together and even more hours spent thinking about him. Their hands brushed gently as they exchanged food and couldn't make eye contact for a solid five minutes.
Everyone went into their usual pairings, with Mike sitting with Ben and Bev. Richie was splayed out in the grass with Eddie using him for a pillow. "They are absolutely cuter than me and Ben." Bev decided loudly, being met with a middle finger from each boy even though they grinned at each other goofily. "Not as cute as Stan and Bill though." Mike mused, looking over at said pair. The whole gang turned to watch them, stuck in their own world. Stan was laying on his stomach on the grass, holding a flower and smiling excitedly as he told Bill what he knew about it. Bill was sat up, looking down at the beautiful boy's face and listening intently with a fond smile and heart eyes. After a few minutes, Stan's talking died down and Bill tucked a loose curl behind Stan's ear before he plucked the flower from his hand and tucked it into his hair. The Losers just about died at that.
"Fuck Mike, you're right!" Bev gasped.
"I can't believe we've been outdone by fucking Stanley goddamn Uris! That's bullshit!" Eddie launched into a rant about how Richie and Eddie were obviously superior. "Can you even use goddamn when talking about a Jew?" Ben asked, cutting Eddie off. Everyone chuckled before Stan cut in, surprising everyone. "No, that's actually against the teachings of the Torah, asshats." Beverly actually snorted with laughter, which Ben would never let her live down, while Eddie finally relented. "Okay, maybe he is better than us." Richie nodded and started 'comforting Eds.' Stan grinned in that way that made Bill's stomach flip before he got up to get another soda.
They only left the quarry when the sun had set, walking their bikes home just to stay out longer. Everyone had already left when Stan and Bill arrived outside Bill's house. Stan, much to Bill's delight, still had the flower in his hair and reached up every now and then to touch it. When his hand would return to his side, he would have a dopey, very un-Stanley Uris smile on his face, which made Bill love him even more. They were stood outside, neither wanting to be the first to say goodbye.
Bill was thinking. About a lot of things, but mostly about how fucking pretty Stan was in the soft lighting of the streetlights. About how he wanted to kiss him. He really fucking wanted to kiss that boy, more than once- hell, maybe even for the rest of his life.
Stan was thinking too. About how good the day was, and about how Bill really listened when he talked. Every single one of the Losers had heard him talk about birds or plants or whatever, but Bill actually listened. He also thought about how he adored the way that Bill had touched his hair earlier. About the absolute rush that came from a gentle tuck behind his ear. He was never sure how to feel about his hair but if Bill could do that again, he decided that he loved it. And he also thought about Bill's hands going straight to it if he was ever lucky enough to kiss him.
Fuck it, Stanley thought.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asked and Bill nodded, not letting his stutter completely ruin the moment.
A deep breath, and then he started talking. "Uh… so I don't know exactly how to say this, but when you held my hand in the clubhouse that day? I really liked that." As he talked, his voice changed into one that resembled how he spoke to authority. He wasn't good with feelings, so he could only get them out when he treated them like status reports. "And when you touched my hair, I loved that. Everything you do sends me into overdrive, Bill Denbrough, and I feel like it's time to be brave… just like you are every day." Bill could hardly believe what he was hearing. He was lucky enough to have that effect on Stanley Uris. He must've done something great in his past life to be here, in front of the best person he'd ever known, and also have his adoration requited. Bill swallowed hard, and stepped closer to Stan, letting Silver fall to the ground as he did so.
"S… Stan you have to know that I have always thought that you were the best person I have ever known." Bill was terrified and excited and in love all at once. Stan frowned, clearly expecting a 'but we're just bros hahaha' to follow. "You have to know that when we touch it makes my heart skip a beat, and when you s.. sm… smile at me it makes my stomach go funny. I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have you and to know that we can have an us and… god Stan can I just kiss you already?" Stanley grinned and nodded, barely able to think straight as their lips met.
Stan was right, Bill's hands did go directly to his hair. Bill couldn't help it, he always liked that hair and now that he had permission to touch it, he was going to abuse the right as much as he could. Stan's hands grabbed Bill's shirt to pull him even closer. Bill tasted like peppermint- probably from the mints Stan snuck into his lunch earlier- while Stan tasted like coca-cola. They pulled apart, breathing heavily and smiling stupidly at each other. Stan habitually reached up for the flower, before noticing that Bill had definitely pushed it out of its place and on to the floor. He picked it up, and tucked it behind Bill's ear, smiling in adoration as he did so.
"I've never been happier than I am right now," Stan mumbled so quietly that Bill wasn't sure if he was even meant to hear it. But he did.
"Neither have I. Y... you're my home, Stan."
The two boys smiled at each other in the fading light, memorising each other's faces until finally, Stan got on his bike and rode home, grinning so hard that he could feel it hurting, his heart feeling so warm it was like he was in love with the sun. And in some ways, he was.