Bound
Chapter Five
Alexis awoke with a pounding head in a room she didn't recognize. She sat up, her stomach churning, her eyes squinting against the light coming in from the window. She almost retched when she got a whiff of the alcohol leaking out of her pores.
She allowed herself a moment to just close her eyes, to hide from the reality that was about to drop down on her. There was no way she could deny what was going on. She wasn't in her and Kevin's bed, she wasn't in a bed she'd ever been in before and definitely wasn't wearing any clothes.
She kept her eyes closed, as if not seeing it with her own two eyes would somehow change the facts, but she knew better.
It was time to face the music.
A loud snore pulled her attention to the man sharing the bed. He was face down, his breaths sawing into his pillow. She couldn't see his face, and she didn't care to. She just needed to get out of there.
She forced herself out of the bed, grabbing her clothes, which were thrown all over the floor. Each time she bent over to pick up a piece of her clothing, her head began to pound and she felt as if she was going to throw up. One deeply hungover step at a time, she collected her things, the weight of her guilt somehow heavier than the constant thudding in her head and stomach.
She'd betrayed Kevin in the worst way possible.
Alexis quietly left the apartment of the man she had slept with. The man she'd gone home with. The man whose name she didn't know and didn't care to know. Her memories of him were hazy—sloppy kisses, groping hands, skin against skin and her moaning nonsensical words. She shook off the fragments of memory. She didn't want to remember.
She collapsed into the back of the cab, mumbling the address before digging through her bag for her phone. It was turned off. She remembered now; she'd turned it off after Kevin's eleventh phone call trying to defend himself and explain how it wasn't so terrible to be involved in an emotional affair with his ex. It didn't matter that Kevin and Alexis hadn't had a proper date in months, hadn't had sex in almost as long. It didn't matter that Kevin had promised to stop seeing Jenny and started sneaking around.
I promise I'll make it up to you. Jenny is just going through a hard time and really needs a friend.
Alexis hadn't bothered to argue. She'd turned off her phone and had proceeded to get shit faced. Because she was playing second-fiddle to his ex, the one who got away, his kryptonite. God, had he slept with Jenny?
Alexis quickly pushed the thought away. Maybe she was just projecting her own guilt. She shoved her phone into the bottom of her purse, still off, and spent the rest of the cab ride trying not to puke.
Once she got back to their apartment, Alexis shoved her clothes in the hamper and showered, scrubbing every inch of her skin until she was pink and clean. A series of bruises had made a home on her hips and she knew that they weren't from Kevin. They were a nice match to the bruise on her face from her altercation the day before. From there, she chased Ibuprofen with three glasses of water and crawled into bed.
Kevin wasn't home. She couldn't remember if he was supposed to be working or not. Maybe he was at Jenny's. She clenched her fist and let out a scream into the pillow.
Despite the hangover, she couldn't stop thinking about Kevin. About Jenny. About the man she'd left sleeping in his apartment.
She'd betrayed Kevin. If there was any tiny bit of their relationship left to hold onto, she'd killed it. She'd let her hurt and anger take over, and she'd ruined everything. She glanced at her cell phone, still powerless on her nightstand. She reached over and turned it on, waiting with a racing, guilt-pumping heart for her messages to load. He had to have known she hadn't come home last night. How was she going to tell him what she'd done?
A few text messages popped up in her inbox. All of them were from Kevin.
Hey, Alexis, I know you're mad and I'm sorry. I promise you, nothing has happened between me and Jenny. We're just friends. Please call me back.
That was it? He wasn't worried. He didn't seem to understand or care at all. Hell, he couldn't even get through a text message without talking about Jenny. He didn't call her sweetheart or babe or even princess. He didn't tell her he loved her. How had she let things get this far?
She pushed away her thoughts and moved on to the next text message.
Are you okay? Where are you? I just got home and you aren't here. Call me or text me when you get this.
She opened last text.
Please come home. I know you're mad, but please call me so I know that you're safe.
So he was worried about her now that Jenny didn't need his attention? How was she supposed to be okay with that? Would he always choose Jenny over her? Could their relationship really and truly be over? Even if he were to forgive her for betraying him, would Jenny still be apart of his life? Could they be a happy couple if Jenny was apart of the picture?
She knew the answer, and it made her sick. Alexis turned her phone back off and burrowed under her covers. They were going to talk. But right now she was going to cry and wallow and let out all the heartache she'd been denying.
The man she loved didn't want her anymore. Maybe hadn't ever truly wanted her. Not when he could have the woman he'd been in love with all along.
Alexis woke up hours later. Her headache had disappeared, and now the only thing twisting her stomach was guilt.
She couldn't take this anymore. She grabbed her phone, only to find it dead. While charging it, she wrote Kevin a message, telling him that she was at home and that they needed to talk when he got there.
She sent the text and let out a deep breath she didn't know she had been holding. She looked at her phone, at the smiling faces of Kevin and herself on the lock screen. She put the phone down and walked away.
She got dressed and even packed some of her clothes and things. She and Kevin were going to talk and that talk might not go well. She prepared for the worst outcome. She knew her Dad wouldn't mind taking her in; she just hoped that she was wrong and that she and Kevin were strong enough to get past what was likely to be their biggest fight yet.
She wasn't sure how she was going to even begin to confess to Kevin, but she had to. She couldn't be with him with such a huge lie in the back of her head. It would kill her to continue their relationship with a huge betrayal hanging over her.
She tried to practice in the silence of their apartment. "I…." She cleared her throat and tried again. "I… I'm a—"
She couldn't get the words out. It shouldn't have been so hard for her to say to herself what she was, but it was proving more and more difficult each time she tried. It was like her voice box would cut out just before she said the word "cheater."
How could one word, one small, seven-letter word be so powerful? How could it have the power to change the way she saw herself? It didn't make sense. She should be able to say it, she had to. Kevin would be home soon enough and he was expecting there to be a talk.
She set the packed bag next to the front door before sitting on the couch waiting for Kevin. The pit on her stomach seemed to worsen with each passing second.
It wasn't just because she betrayed Kevin; it was that she never thought she'd ever do something so cruel and selfish. She never thought she'd be a cheater.
When Kevin walked in, Alexis' stomach was nearly doing flips, and she was already fighting back tears. She still couldn't believe that she was the one who jeopardized their relationship, when at the beginning she was the one who had concerns about him breaking her heart. She'd never thought she'd be the one to cause things to implode.
Kevin walked further into the apartment and came to join her in the living room. He was taking off his jacket, when a smile covered his face. If anything, he looked relieved.
"You're a sight for sore eyes." He greeted her and she frowned in response, but he didn't seem to notice as he made his way over to her, leaning down to give her a kiss like he normally did.
Air caught in her throat and she had no choice but to move her head so his lips didn't come in contact with her. She heard him sigh and the guilt began to coil even more.
"Still mad, huh?" he asked.
She couldn't bring herself to respond.
Kevin sat down next to her, and she felt obliged to move away. She thought telling him would be the only difficult part of him coming home, but she soon realize everything would be difficult. She couldn't touch him; she couldn't let him touch her. It only made it worse if she were to allow him to believe everything was normal and that she hadn't made such a huge mistake.
"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I don't know what else you want me to say—"
"We need to talk."
"Yeah, we probably should. Where were you last night? You didn't come home before I left for work this morning."
Home. Somehow that felt wrong. It was like she was already becoming aware of the inevitable end of everything they had built with each other. This didn't feel like home to her. It felt like a prison, being here with him and the many memories they had made with each other. A home was supposed to be a safe place, and sitting in the living room on the couch they had sex on more times than she could recall, she didn't feel safe. She didn't feel comfortable.
This was no longer her home.
"Alexis?" Kevin asked and Alexis flinched a little. It was time for her to confess. It was time for her to her stomach being in knots, she pushed through, deciding that dragging it out wasn't going to help anyone or anything.
She took a deep breath. "I didn't come back here last night because I was with someone else."
"Who? Your dad?" he asked, moving closer to her. She ignored the urge to grab ahold of him and beg for his forgiveness. She wasn't going to do that. She was going meet his judgement head-on.
She shook her head, fighting back tears. "I met someone last night."
"What do you mean?"
"When you didn't show up, I went to get a drink, because I was upset. I got drunk and met someone. That's who I was with last night."
His face was beginning to pale. "What?"
"There was a guy at the bar. We talked, had a few drinks together, and then he took me back to his place. That's where I was all night." She couldn't look him in the eye, she just couldn't. "I slept with him." The words came out and she felt as if she was going to vomit.
She heard a slight gasp. "You what?" His voice was laced with disbelief, which made Alexis' stomach coil with with more guilt and tears slipped down her cheeks.
"Kevin," Alexis took a deep breath, trying to find some level of composure. "I was so upset at you for being with Jenny after you said you wouldn't, so I decided to get a drink and I guess one drink turned into more, because I woke up with a hangover and in some random guy's bed." She didn't even know the that man's name. What the hell was wrong with her? "I wasn't wearing any clothes when I woke up, and the more I thought about it, the more I started to remember."
"Alexis, stop."
"We left the restaurant, went back to his place, and had sex. I don't know what I was thinking, but that's what happened."
"Stop."
"What?"
"Just stop."
"Why?" She didn't understand. Why was he telling her to stop? Was she not being clear enough? Why was he having such a hard time believing it? "I cheated Kevin! Do you not understand that? I cheated!" She was hysterical as she screamed at him, wanting to get a real reaction for him, but he didn't say anything.
Kevin was hunched over, his hands in his hair, shaking his head. "This isn't happening. Not again," he said, but she guessed that he was saying it to himself, because he wasn't looking at her.
"I was so hurt and angry, and… I messed up, Kevin."
Kevin opened his mouth, tried to form words to respond, but Alexis saw the moment they failed him. He might not be able to accept it, but he couldn't deny it, either.
"Alexis," he gasped, like she'd just hit him, stabbed him, torn his heart out from his body.
Tears slipped down her eyes so fast she couldn't she, grief and regret welled up in a tide, so powerful she couldn't breathe. "I'm so, so sorry." She took a step towards, him and his hands when up in front of his chest. He didn't want her to touch him. She was something dirty, something ruined, and he didn't want to touch her anymore.
She clenched her eyes shut against his rejection as tiny sobs wracked her frame, preparing herself for his anger, for his punishment, for him to hurt her as badly as she'd hurt him. Whatever he did or said, she'd take it. She wanted it. It was what she deserved.
"I think you should leave," he said quietly.
"Kevin—" She didn't know what she was begging for. Certainly not forgiveness, she didn't deserve that.
"Please." His voice broke. "Please just leave."
Her heart shattered, her mind haunted by the pure desolation on Kevin's face, Alexis took her suitcase from the bedroom and left the apartment. Kevin had collapsed onto the couch, his face in his hands.
"You heading out soon?" Javi asked as he pulled his coat over his shoulders.
"Soon," Alexis said absentmindedly, pretending to be engrossed in the file in front of her.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked. "You and Kev having problems? You've both look—"
"Bye, Esposito," she interrupted. She couldn't talk about the reason she looked so bad. Alexis knew she looked like shit. She was pale because she hadn't been sleeping, drawn because she was sick to her stomach about what she'd done. Every time she looked in a mirror, every time she bathed or changed clothes in the days since her mistake, she was forced to face the evidence of what she'd done. She couldn't talk about it; she could barely hold herself together.
When she lifted her head from the file, Esposito was gone. She was finally alone. Always alone.
It had been days, and there was no word from Kevin. She hadn't run into him at work; he didn't answer her calls or texts. Radio silence had taken over. She'd been staying with her dad, unsure if she was welcome back at their apartment.
She would never be able to erase the memory of his broken expression, his devastated voice, when the truth had finally sunk in. Alexis rested her face in her hands. She missed him so much it hurt, but more than that she missed the days that hadn't been defined by her mistake, when she hadn't wanted to claw her own skin off, escape from her tainted body. No amount of soap, scrubbing, or scalding water could erase what she'd done. There was no undoing this.
Her phone started buzzing, pulling her from the all too familiar pit of self-loathing. Kevin's name appeared on the screen, along with a picture of the two of them, his arms tight around her. She gulped, for a second wondering if she should answer at all.
"Hello?" she answered, her voice shaking.
"We need to talk." It wasn't a request. It was a demand, delivered in a flat, demanding tone she didn't recognize.
"O-okay. Um… I'm just getting finished with work if you want to grab coffee or—
"Come to my apartment. I'll be waiting." The line went dead.
Alexis stared at her phone for a long time before setting back on her desk. His apartment. Not their apartment. His. It was over. Alexis knew it. Their "talk" would be him breaking up with her. She knew it was coming, so why did it still hurt so badly?
Her feet carried her out the precinct and on the familiar route home. Except she wasn't going home. That home didn't exist anymore. She stopped in front of the front door, unsure of whether she should knock or use her key. She tried the handle, and found it unlocked. The apartment was dim, the only light was on in the living room, where Kevin was sitting on the couch in the exact same spot she'd left him in.
He didn't acknowledge her presence at first, though she was certain he'd heard her come in.
"Hi," she said, her voice soft. "Can I sit down?"
He looked up at her, and his expression froze her in place. He nodded, and she took a seat almost on the other side of the couch.
"Kevin," she began, "I'm so—"
"Why, Alexis?"
"I—"
"I thought you loved me."
"I do." Tears began to well in her eyes. "I do love you, Kevin. And I'm so, so sorry."
"So then why did you do this?" Despite her distress, his voice remained flat, like he was completely divorced from his emotions.
"I was upset," she said, her voice thick. "I had convinced myself that you had fallen in love with Jenny, and that you were cheating on me."
His eyes widened. "What?"
"Our relationship had felt wrong for months. We hadn't been intimate. You were never here. I just… I've felt like I've been losing you, for months now I've felt that way, and after I found out that you've still been seeing her, I was convinced that I'd lost you."
He shook his head. "I told you there's nothing going on between me and Jenny. I told you that so many times, Alexis."
For the first time, a tiny sputter of anger slipped into her chest. "You also told me that you weren't going to see her anymore. You lied to me."
"So your response is to immediately go out and slut it up for another guy?"
If anything, his words just made her angrier. "Do you love her?" she forced herself to ask.
"I loved you," he answered, and a fresh wave of tears spilled into her eyes. Loved. A past tense.
"Are you still spending time with her?" Alexis didn't know why she bothered asking, it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't do anything but hurt her more if he was still wrapped up in his ex. But she had to know.
Kevin's silence was answer enough, and Alexis let out a bitter laugh. "Well I hope you're very happy together." She stood up, wiping her eyes. "Give me a couple days and I'll get my stuff—"
"Excuse me?"
She blinked. "What?"
"You're breaking up with me?"
"I-I cheated. You're probably in love with someone else. Our relationship is over."
"I'm not—"
"You've spent more time with her in the last six months than you have with me. Javi was right."
"About what?"
"He told me she's your kryptonite. How the hell am I supposed to compare to that?"
"How is this somehow my fault?"
"I love you!" she cried. "You were everything to me, and no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough, was it? I was never enough for you. Why wasn't I enough?"
"For starters, because you're apparently the kind of person who'll sleep with any guy that comes along."
She looked away from the fury on his face. "I'm sorry, Kevin, but—"
"Sorry?" Fury burned through the ice, likely goaded on by her meek response. He laughed, his tone menacing. "You have no fucking idea what sorry is!"
She backed away, and he used the leverage to shove her against the wall, caging her in as she tried to put some distance between them. "I-I am sorry! I wish I could take it back!"
"You and me both, Princess," he said caustically. "I'd take it all back. Every fucking moment since I met you."
His words deflated even the tiniest bits of hope inside her. Tears rolled down her face, grief warring with hot shame. She deserved this. She deserved it. "I'm sorry." She was like a broken record.
"You're supposed to be mine," he snarled. "You belonged to me!"
She could feel the restrained violence in the lines of his body, in the crazed fury in his eyes. "I am yours," she said softly, feeling both heartbroken and terrified.
He reached out, his fingers trembling from the force of his rage. She closed her eyes as his fingertips brushed against her bruised cheek, catching on a strand of hair.
"I love you," she said. "You were all I ever wanted."
The touch on her cheek lifted, and she felt him step back. "You have a week to get your shit out of here." His voice was softer now, tinged with something heavy. She watched as he stomped to their once-shared bedroom, and slammed the door behind him.
"What's the matter?"
Kevin realized he'd been staring at the beer Jenny gave him for a long while. He shook his head, the words caught in his throat. Alexis had cheated, had shattered him. And he'd hurt her back. Every other heartbeat, his mind flashed back to the image from two nights before. He gritted his teeth, something stronger than guilt churning in his stomach. Regret. He was drowning in it. He regretted losing control, frightening her, but most of all he regretted putting himself in a position to be hurt. Again. How many times would it take for him to learn?
"Nothing." He took a long pull from the bottle.
The blonde eyed him critically. "You're barely said ten words since you got here, and nothing is wrong?"
Pained blue eyes flashed into his mind, and he recalled with perfect clarity the bruises that had been left behind from Alexis' one night stand.
A gentle heat pressed against his knuckles, and Kevin watched Jenny's hand squeeze his own. "What's the matter?" she asked softly.
He swallowed thickly.
"Did you and Alexis have a fight?"
With perfect clarity, he recalled each and everyone one of the vicious words he'd sent her way. They hadn't fought. Kevid had lashed out and she had taken everything he gave her.
"We broke up." Kevin looked up at the blonde. "She found out that I've been spending time with you, so she cheated on me." He kept his eyes locked on the table, not wanting to see Jenny's reaction. A moment later, her soft, feminine scent engulfed him as her arms wrapped tight around his shoulders.
"I'm so sorry, Kev." She squeezed him tighter. "I can't believe she did that."
"I know. I thought she loved me." He rubbed his face. "I thought she was the one."
Jenny's fingertips stroked down his jawline. "You deserve better. She's not the one for you."
"Of course." He laughed hollowly. "Let me guess: the real one is out there somewhere, just waiting to meet me."
"No," she whispered, pulling back to look into his eyes. "She's been right in front of you all along." Jenny inclined her head a bit, letting her mouth hover over his, never quite making contact.
Kevin saw it all as if he was watching from afar. The desire and hope in his ex's eyes, the maddening way her tongue peeked out to wet her lips, the defeated slump of his shoulders as he closed the distance and pressed his lips against hers.
She tasted like regret, the flavor bitter and heavy on his tongue, and it took no longer than a few seconds for Kevin to gently push her back.
"I can't, Jen."
"But," she pouted, "I need to be with you."
Kevin frowned. Something about her words rang hollow. "You need me?"
"Yes, Kev. I do. Look at my life. Of course I need you."
"Do you want to be with me?"
She looked up at him, a crease appearing between her eyebrows. "What's the difference?"
Her answer gutted him. The difference was everything. The difference was choosing him out of desire and love, not desperation and loneliness. The difference was choosing him during the best of times, when she didn't need him in her life but she wanted him to stick around anyway. The difference was asking him to be with her because she liked his jokes and wanted to support him through those times when he'd forgotten how to tell them. The difference was loving him through the worst of times, even when he was being an ass, and being honest, patient, and forgiving of his many shortcomings.
Regret hit him hard, squeezing his chest so hard that tears pricked in his eyes. He missed Alexis.
"I can't see you anymore, Jen." He stood up grabbing his jacket and keys.
"What?" He felt her disbelief and scrutiny as he slid the jacket over his shoulders. "Are you kidding me?"
"I don't want you like that, and I think we both need to move on."
"But… You've been seeing me behind her back for months! You care about me, too! You have feelings for me, too."
He held his hands up. "I thought I was being a good friend."
"You thought you could have the best of both worlds!" She snapped. "And now that you've lost your girlfriend you're just going to toss me aside, too?"
"I never tossed Alexis aside!"
"You've been emotionally cheating on her!" Jenny slumped in her chair. "I thought you just couldn't admit your feelings."
Kevin frowned. "All this time, you thought this was some sort of emotional affair?"
Jenny shrugged. "I told you I need you."
He sighed. "Goodbye Jenny. You'll have to find someone else to dig you out of this mess." Kevin left her apartment, her anger following him out of the building. But he couldn't think about that. Over and over, all he could think was that he'd made the worst mistake of his life.