Yellow Pots of Sunshine

He was there. He was here. He was everywhere and his laugh had burnt into the boy's brain-

There was no escape from his mind. There was no escape from the expanding void of fear and terror that raged on throughout his soul.

Every second, he told himself that he was safe and the elongated shapes that danced before his eyes were merely puppets and the puppet master was his Shadow. The darkness was a part of his brain. He understood the biochemistry of what caused these damn hallucinations (that's what they were, isn't it?). He wasn't losing control he wasn't-

Edward heard NoName's laugh again and he flinched. He attempted to curl his body closer to his head. The sound of his heartbeat helped soothe him. He visibly relaxed for an instant however; he contorted in pain (always in so much damn pain) because he had been damaged by the alchemic voltage.

Wounds took time to heal. But Ed didn't have time.

He had nightmares and the shadows and that damn laugh that perforated through his skull. When one couldn't see the demons they were fighting, this caused the sense of vulnerability to follow. The Fullmetal Alchemist may have been short, but he was not vulnerable thank you very much. The blind boy was defenceless against the threats that surrounded him.

Fear morphed into terror which morphed into horror.

Kimblee's ice-blue eyes and menacing grin were ingrained in his mind. And Fuery-

-You never told them, did you?- His Shadow mused sadly. If they had been capable of manifesting a physical form, they would have started to occupy their boredom by filing their nails or something of a similar nature.

I-I did! I'm b-bad. So very bad, Edward wanted to tear up. Here in his void, he could see everything but nothing. Like a reflection of memory, events from his time in the tunnels flashed here. He could see (and smell) the blood so clearly. Edward could see the shadows twist and morph in his peripheral vision, cackling at having such a weak host to contend with.

-You don't know, do you? How pathetic. Tell me, boy, what is real and what is an illusion?-

I d-don't know…I DON'T KNOW GODDAMNIT! The older Elric screamed into his voice. His tone quivered. He didn't know. Edward Elric did not know if this void was real or not.

The nuisance with being blind was that every whisper and every hitch of breath and every fluttering of the breeze could be a manifestation, a caricature, a fake. Hell, how could he be sure if he was real?

-Is this the most lucid you're going to become? We believe your superior's nickname 'Useless' is far more appropriate for the likes of you-

My superior officer? Do you mean that bastard? Roy Mustang? Ed hated that he had to question that information. Frustration tingled along his fingertips.

Half of his consciousness screamed into the void: of course that bastard is real! He wouldn't let you get away with anything! Remember how useless he was in the rain when you battled Scar with Al!

The other half was silent.

-Are you going to question the existence of your own brother?- His Shadow snorted, and Ed could not discern from the tone whether this heinous excuse of an entity was being sarcastic or damn annoying.

Ed remained silent. He wouldn't question the existence of his brother or that dumb bastard again. He knew they were real. As his Shadow was real. There was no escape from his void-

Half of his consciousness could hear footsteps and the dripping of water. He could hear echoes bouncing off walls as he was being carried by a figure. His left hand clasped Al's. He was saying words of comfort, even if Al couldn't hear him.

The other half could only hear Kimblee's splitting laughter, a force that could shatter glass (like the vase filled with white daffodils in the fucking Enlightenment Room). NoName's voice also whispered promises to him, with a voice as delicate as butterfly's wings and velvet. Everyone succumbed to the lulling lies of that monster.

Being blind meant that he couldn't just snap out of it.

Being blind meant that he had to fight every damn second to be lucid.

Being blind made him useless.

He hated to feel this way. This was not the way that anyone should be living their lives, day in, day out, waiting for the shadows to creep in from their houses they had harvested in his mind. It was all in his head…it was all just a dream…a sadistic illusion.

And it was what scared Edward the most.

Was he ever going to get better?

…

He wasn't ever going to see again. That was the truth of the matter. Truth was nothing but an ideology of what one conceived to be real. But Edward didn't know what to believe anymore; he didn't know what was true.

Would he be able to see again?

Everyone could be watching him. They could see what pathetic piece of shit Edward Elric had warped into. Soldiers in the Amestrian military had endured through Ishval and were still able to fight what they believed in. Edward couldn't survive through a meagre six weeks of Kimblee-

NO, DON'T TOUCH ME!

-Who is touching you exactly?

I d-don't know. I don't fucking know, alright!? It's hard…

-It's a shame. Even if you wanted to end your life, you would not be able to. You wouldn't have the means of jumping off a roof like the fallen hero you are-

Stop it.

-Stop what?-

Stop it!

-I'm pointing out the facts. It's the closest that you alchemists come to the truth. However, you're not sure of anything anymore. Such a waste. You had such potential.-

Don't estimate me, you bastard.

-Valiantly fighting the nightmares as usual, Edward Elric. You've not changed, boy.-

…

-You know that's true. You're just a boy. A helpless little boy who doesn't have his mother by his side. A boy who tried to be God and dragged his little brother along for the descent into Hell. You had no choice but to move forward only because your coincidence was riddled with the sins that you, and you alone, committed. Ridiculously weak.-

Couldn't even survive six weeks…

-We know.-

And the voice(s) of his Shadow fell dormant once again. They abandoned him at the precipice of insanity. When his mind was about to cave in, surrender and fall apart, the one constant source of conversation slipped away into nothing. He needed his Shadow. Otherwise, Ed knew his mind would have slipped a long time ago. If he didn't have his Shadow constantly tormenting him, he would fall into the clutches of Kimblee.

NoName was not keen to let his prey escape.

He heard a voice calling to him. If it wasn't the presence of his Shadow, then it had to be Kimblee. Edward summoned his bravest expression but the dread shifted like sand in his gut. The man was coming closer to him and there would be no escape-

The voice called to him a little louder. Edward tried to curl more tightly on himself. If he could shrink enough, he could possibly vanish. Kimblee would leave him alone for the night. However, then Al would be hurt. And Edward couldn't let that happen. Not again. He had failed enough-

"Fullmetal!"

A single word was said. It snapped Edward out of his trance and shakily brought him back to reality. The voice was like an anchor that had been thrown out to him and the blond grasped onto the voice with every last ounce of strength he had. He didn't want to be lost in the sea of his endless despair again. It would happen (that was the truth) but for the lucid periods of time he was blessed with, he held onto those dearly.

"Colonel?" Edward asked.

"Yes, runt, that's me," Mustang replied and despite the insult that was thrown at him, his voice was laced with concern.

"Not short," the younger alchemist sighed so the last of what he spoke sounded no louder than a whisper. Ed could imagine the bastard smirking like the damn smug git he was. In his mind's eye, the image was crystal clear. The colonel would be sitting at his desk. Scattered paperwork would be littered across the desk, incomplete and smudged with either ink or coffee stains. The atmosphere in the office was lively productivity. Light would pour into the room and the bastard would groan and sink deeper into his chair. The Fullmetal Alchemist would be snugly buried into one of the sofas and watch in amusement as the First Lieutenant made threats at her slacking superior officer. Ed would slap his report on the table and leave the way he had come, hopefully not to return to the office where the damn bastard would be waiting for his next report. He would leave and return with a string of insults about how the dark-haired man would slack off and deserved to the victim of Hughes' entourage of photographs of Elicia and Gracia-

A strange sensation tickled his lips. Edward wasn't quite sure how it manifested, but a smile was brewing across his face, like the Sun becoming visible through the storm clouds that ushered nothing but rain and misery. As quickly as the smile appeared, it faded just as rapidly. His world was swarmed with impenetrable darkness, as thick and gloomy as a spider's web.

Some things would never change, and the darkness was one of them.

If he wished this burden upon someone else for a second, Edward wouldn't be able to forgive himself. This was his burden. Perhaps this was the price he had meant to pay when he had brought Al's body back from the Gate. A gut-wrenching feeling twisted like a knot in Edward's abdomen. On the night that they had failed to resurrect their dead mother, he should have given his life up in exchange. When he had bound Al's soul to that lifeless husk of a body that was the suit of armour, Edward had paid with a limb. According to Truth, this had been equivalent, but Edward had secretly known that the toll for their human transmutation was incomplete. They were only beginning to pay the price.

"You're a midget, Fullmetal. The sooner you can learn to accept that-" the older alchemist was cut off when Edward began to shake his head furiously. He could almost feel the blood swishing around in his brain. What little he had left.

"I will grow to be taller than you, one day, Mustang. You mark my words," Edward hissed through bared teeth. He could hear the colonel laugh in response. Even if it was quietly, Edward's hearing had had to compensate for the loss of his sight. He could hear the pitter patter of water droplets falling from the surface above his head and collect in puddles below on the ground. He had his back leaning against a cold wall. The alchemist lifted his hand weakly and rubbed his hand against the surface, surprised at the smoothness. It felt like concrete or brick. The cobbles that were prevalent throughout Turinene and the deeper parts of those tunnels had a jagged feel when he touched them. They were the surfaces that would entice the blood to swell to his skin and eagerly greet its sharp, rocky teeth.

Edward shivered and missed what Mustang had told him. He blew at the air in front of him. One of his bangs was draped across his face and it was annoying him to hell. Almost as much as the git annoyed him: "what, bastard?"

"I said that you're in the cellar below the Armstrong mansion. You should be safe. But…Maes…" the man trailed off.

Memories as sharp as knives jabbed the boy blindly in the throat (or was it the shameful remains of his heart?) as he remembered Hughes Fuery Al Armstrong Kimblee-

He was helpless to the shadows that were coagulating like crimson blood at the back of his mind. Edward morbidly remembered a stormy night in which a brave little girl had been snatched from this world. Had she known that her father was going to betray her the way she did? Nina was the happiest child alive- she had a love for the world and life. She didn't deserve the twisted fate she had been dumped with.

In that room…when her father had activated the chimera transmutation circle, had she clutched Alexander and closed her eyes and screamed? Or had she been smiling until the end? Did she believe that she could make her Papa happy?

Nina…

-She had more strength than you.-

Go away! She is none of your concern!

-She clearly wasn't your concern either. You left her to die. You couldn't save her.-

"Colonel," the blond said seriously. Edward could hear the bastard pause and intake a surprisingly heavy breath. He did not reply, instead tersely waiting what the boy had to say.

Edward could feel the tendrils of his sanity beginning to loosen again. His lucid periods were becoming brief interludes of peace, bliss…paradise. It would not be long before he was a crying, screaming, blinded mess in the hands of Kimblee. He was waiting, always waiting and watching- soon, soon, soon.

"Al, is he ok?" Edward asked. After receiving a grunt as a reply (typical bastard colonel), Edward lowered his head, wondering what surface his bleached irises were staring at. He couldn't close his eyes. That was when the darkness became unbearable.

"Here," the colonel suddenly moved closer and he tentatively took the boy's hand. Edward flinched (don't touch me) but he held his breath and felt as the bastard gently took his hand and moved it towards his left. Edward immediately was holding someone warm. Al.

The younger Elric brother, tensed and doubtful, relaxed within his nightmare realm. Edward wanted nothing more than to absorb the burden that his brother had harvesting within his soul. He wished he could unravel the circular string of fear and pain and paranoia and fill it with serenity. Ed wanted Al to taste as much ice cream as he desired. Screw the consequences of having a bloated stomach after.

"Al," Edward said one word that conveyed the love and devotion he possessed. It was the unwavering promise that had prevented him from sitting down and giving up all of those years ago. Even if Al didn't hear it, the Fullmetal Alchemist hoped that Al could sense even a fraction of that unspoken promise.

"Bastard…thanks," Edward sighed but his face tightened and grimaced. He couldn't keep fighting the forces in his mind forever (oh but for Al he would. Just a little bit longer.).

"My pleasure, needy brat," Mustang retorted.

Edward swallowed. He didn't have much time left. He had to tell the bastard now. Everything quickly before Kimblee's hands grabbed for him and then there would be no escape-

Fuck. Off.

"Tunnels…they were a trap," Edward felt his lungs drowning. Breathing was becoming laborious. Head giddy. Not long left, "Kimblee took Hughes. Close. Needed him…to get to you."

Trembling, he curled his hand into a fist and sank it deep into his lap. His muscles were horrifically weak (his teacher would have been disappointed), and hence no damage was done. Edward sniffed. He would not cry again. He continued slowly, "Mustang…Kimblee took some of my alchemy into himself. He's found a way to create…a-alchemists. Through a v-voltage. Alchemist's power can be induced by p-pain. So they- Fuery…"

And that is when Edward started sobbing.

"Bastard – don't just sit or stand there dammit! Tell me off! Call me short or whatever! Punish me. Please…do something," Edward's right leg kicked out in front of him, hoping to latch onto anything that wasn't air.

"No."

Ed listened to the bastard's footsteps. They shuffled and scrapped at the ground. Mustang was moving. Within seconds, he was sitting on Edward's other side. They were not touching, but Ed could feel the scarce heat radiating from the man, as though he was the living embodiment of the name gifted to him by the State, the name keeping him on the leash that all of them Dogs shared.

"Why?" Edward felt his back slouch. His right shoulder tightened. He was lucky he had become immune to the consistent physical pain that made him want to rip the skin from his body in the hope that it would diminish. That was one thing his mind was good for: it was a handy distraction.

"The Sergeant cared for you deeply, Edward," Roy muttered earnestly, keeping his voice low. "Helping you was his choice. If any of us were in the same position, the same choice would have been made. We are a team, shorty. Honour him for that."

"Aren't you m-mad?" Edward turned his neck stiffly. Roy looked into those glazed eyes that somehow danced with an emotion he couldn't name. Or maybe it was a flood of experiences that Roy could sense emanating from the blond alchemist. Six weeks could become a lifetime; he knew from his own hellish experiences in Ishval.

"Yes, I'm furious," and the colonel's tone was deathly serious. He threatened: "if I could singe out his tongue and char his brains to a barbeque I would this instant. No questions asked."

"So why are you here?" Edward was genuinely perplexed. When one thought they had sussed out the bastard, he threw a spanner into the works. The Fullmetal Alchemist had never thought the man could be this enigmatic.

"Because Hawkeye put me on babysitting duty-"

"Who are you calling so short they could only be classed as a baby?" Edward lashed out. His body convulsed at the effort, but he ignored its futile protests.

"Not you, clearly," was the sarcastic drawl in response.

"Where is Hawkeye? Shouldn't you be going after Hughes?" Edward said, prevailing anxiety riddled into every syllable.

"She has gone to investigate the tunnels to find Hughes," Roy commented.

"Are you not worried about the Lieutenant…what about Hughes?!"

"I trust her," the simplicity of those words carried a lifetime's worth of blood, sweat and tears, of promises of loyalty to tread through Hell for each other, and the promise for a new chapter for the nation of Amestris that they called home. "She knows her orders. She is not allowed to die."

"You never get left behind though, Mustang," Edward pondered but when Mustang explained about his broken leg and how he had still stubbornly fought in a battle against the Crimson Alchemist with it, Ed was tempted to roll his eyes. "You should have been called the Stubborn Alchemist."

"And do not underestimate Hughes. He is a very protective father. You should see him with the other children at Elicia's birthday parties…firearms are involved," Roy smiled to himself; "nobody gets between him and his family."

"But-" but Edward was interjected by the conversation hoarder bastard alchemist.

"Now don't fret like a mother, Fullmetal. There will be time for that in the morning."

As he closed his eyes wearily, the Fullmetal Alchemist never realized that he didn't have any more haunting visions of Kimblee. It seemed that the bastard colonel really was good at something.

Edward dreamed that night.

The shadows that paced around his mind like hungry wolves didn't come any closer to him. Good. For some reason, Edward thought that they would stay in the shadows for once, as if he had the rare opportunity to control how close they came to him. He imagined a giant silver mesh surrounding him, and the metal appeared out of the blue. The wolves growled and pawed at the defence, but they couldn't make it through.

How was Edward in control?

He heard Al's laughter. He heard Winry yelling at him. He heard his verbal spars with the bastard. He could hear them all. Except for Kimblee. NoName was silent.

Suddenly, the grey vortex around him started to shift. The world before him changed. The monotone world of his nightmares began to twirl like ribbons. Edward thought that he was in a theatre, and instead of being a more spectator in the audience, he was on stage. He was the one making the decisions.

It was strange.

He had not had this ability for as long as he could remember.

He blinked and the mute darkness that could kept letting his mind slip transformed into a window of colour. The blond was scared because if he so much as closed his eyes, he could plunge back into the torrent of black and grey that haunted his present. But when his eyes started to water and he was forced to blink again, the momentary disappointment vanished. The world around him was still so bright.

Edward stared down at his body. No longer was it swathed in shadow. He could see the world.

He had four limbs. Four limbs made from his flesh and blood. He flexed them and like an excited puppy, leaped into the air. When nothing ached or tinged, the boy gasped, life renewing his soul with each and every breath.

Glancing around, he found himself standing in a field. The Sun shone overhead, igniting his straw-like hair to woven gold. The sunshine glimmered on the flowers around him. So many yellow flowers that theoretically could not being growing in the same place at the same time. There were daffodils and buttercups and dandelions, greedily collecting the Sun's golden treasure, like little yellow pots of sunshine blooming in the light.

Ed felt a tug at his sleeve. A flower crown woven from the flowers was shoved into his hands.

"Big brother, get down here! I need to put this on your head," it was Nina. Precious, sweet Nina was standing in front of him, a flower crown resting snugly on her forehead. Alexander was similarly donned with his own flower crown.

"Come here, Nina," a voice called. Ed felt his heart break. It was his mother…

Trisha Elric stepped through the field of flowers to stand next to the little girl and her eldest son. She held a dandelion puff and handed it to Nina.

"Make a wish," Trisha murmured and gracefully lowered herself to Nina's level, and began to braid her scraggly hair. She hummed a lullaby she had sung to Ed when Al had been born. And when Trisha had secured the second pigtail, she came up to Ed and began to braid his hair too. He inhaled her honeysuckle and lavender scent and for a moment, it felt like they had never lost her.

When Fuery stumbled up a few minutes later with a lopsided flower crown on his head, Ed couldn't help but snigger. Kain blushed shyly, but continued smiling all the same.

Words didn't need to pass between Ed and the people whom he cared for deeply. This was more than enough. But it had to end eventually, and it did so all of a sudden. He blinked and the yellow flowers were gone.

It may have been a dream, but it flooded him with such hope and longing for a day like this in the future. Could this become a reality one day?

Edward dreamed that night and even though the likelihood of Kimblee returning full force tomorrow was high (Ed was certain of that), his captor was not here now. That is what mattered. Edward could revel in the peace that would let him have a blissful night's sleep for the first time in a day, a month, a year.

An eternity.

For tonight, at least, he was free.

I was going to put this chapter and the next one together, but I felt that the boys needed a brief break from the chaos :'D The pace picks up again next chapter and the fates of Hawkeye, Havoc and Hughes will all be brought to light.

Thanks for reading!