Bound

Chapter Six

Kevin had spent most of his night drinking and watching bad TV, which wasn't much different than how he'd begun to spend most of his Saturday nights. It was a new routine for him. After a long week of working non-stop in Narcotics, he felt he deserved one or two nights to himself, doing whatever it was he felt like doing.

Drinking wasn't something he was particularly proud of, but it did help him to think more clearly. After his second or third drink he was always able to see things for what they were, unlike when he was sober.

When he was sober things were messy.

When he was sober and thinking about how his life was going, it made him anxious and a little sad, but when he was drinking everything felt a little better.

When he was drinking it didn't really matter what the situation was, he was always able to see a silver lining—even when thinking about his latest break up. So what if he and Alexis were over? It was probably for the best. Why would he want to be with her in the first place? She clearly wasn't the best choice for him. She was willing to cheat on him for no good reason, so why should he care so much about it?

Things were different when he was sober and thought about Alexis. Feelings got in the way of him seeing things for what they truly were. Thinking about Alexis when he didn't have a drink in his hand always left him with a pit in his stomach. That's when he would think to fill that pit with drinking or a night of anonymous sex. Did it always work? No. But it was better than the alternative.

That's what Alexis had done to him. She'd made him weak. She'd made him question himself. He didn't understand how she was able to pull one over his head like that. She must have been taking lessons from Jenny behind his back.

But he didn't care, not when he was drunk. Alexis was just some woman who had hurt him all over again, but he would get over it. He'd got over Jenny—eventually—so he could get over her. He would learn from the past and would never make the same mistake. Relationships were just doorways to pain, and he'd enough pain to last him a lifetime. He was done with it.

Kevin would go on with his life. Alexis was clearly going to move on with that guy she'd cheated on him with or some other guy that she would inevitably end up cheating on. He didn't have her in his life, and that was okay. As long as he had that drink in his hand everything would be okay.

A bang on his front door made him jump, his thoughts about Alexis taking the backseat as he stood up to answer his door. He stumbled a bit, trying to find his footing.

"Who is it?" he called out, slurring his words, just a little.

"It's your beautiful and wise older sister."

He smiled at Gwen's voice. He hadn't seen her in a while. He looked over to the clock on his stove, seeing that it was a almost midnight. What was Gwen doing at his place at that time of the night? The smile slowly faded from his face and then he opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I came to see your sorry ass," she quipped and then looked at the glass in his hand. "I see you started the party without me."

"You're welcome to join in."

"I'll pass this time. How about we catch up instead of party?"

"Catch up? Did something happen?" He didn't understand. They talked frequently. What did they have to catch up about?

"No." Gwen shook her head, giving Kevin a disappointed look. "Nothing happened with me."

Kevin cringed at the emphasis she placed on her last word.

"Oh great." Kevin rolled his eyes and turned around, walking further into his apartment. "Who sent you?"

"Nobody needed to send me. I've been wanting to have this talk for a while, but only just now worked up the courage."

"The courage?"

"Yeah, you've been dodging my questions for far too long, Kiddo. It's time to face the music."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"Alexis."

It was funny how just one name could send a thousand thoughts crashing through his head.

"Why would we talk about her?"

"Why not?"

"She's not worth it, Gwen. We could talk about anything, why choose to spend our time on a slut?"

"Kevin Ryan, if mom heard you right now, she'd slap you over the head. I should, too."

"It wasn't said without cause. You know what she did."

Gwen sighed. "Yes, I do."

"So what's the problem?"

"Your attitude, for one."

"I'm just being honest."

"That's just the alcohol talking. The Kevin Ryan I know wouldn't talk about Alexis that way."

"Oh, but he does. It's just mostly in his head, but you've caught me on a good night, so…"

"Cut the shit. We both know that you're not drinking for fun. You're running from something."

Kevin flopped down on his couch with a chuckle. "Thanks for dropping by Dr. Phil. Any other bullshit theories you want to spout out?"

"What's so bullshit about it, Kevin?"

"That you think you know what's going on in my mind."

"Okay, I'll give you that." Gwen nodded and then took a seat next to Kevin. "So why don't you tell me what's going on in your head."

"You won't like it."

"Tell me anyway."

"I'm thinking that Alexis was just like Jenny. That I was lied to, again, thinking that I could trust somebody to actually be a decent person, but that I was wrong and that I should just give up and go back to my old ways."

"Sleeping around? Not being tied down?"

"I got hurt a lot less back then."

"You were also less happy."

"That happiness that I felt with Alexis was just a mirage, Gwen. She was playing me from the start and I fell for it."

"I don't believe that."

"Then you need to open your eyes. She was just a liar. She used me and then left me in pieces."

"Kev—"

"It's okay, though. I'll pick it back up and I'll be back to normal before you know it."

It was silent for a few minutes and Kevin was actually feeling as if he was getting it through Gwen's head. After all, Alexis hadn't just put on a show for him, she'd put it on for his whole family as well.

Why did he let her do that? Why did he allow her to worm her way into his life? His family thought she was so lovely, but they didn't know the real her. Kevin clearly hadn't known the real her, either.

Gwen shifted and cleared her throat. "Keep in my mind that you are my brother and that I love you no matter what, okay?"

"What are you talking about?"

Gwen sighed. "Kevin, why are you acting as if Alexis is the only bad guy here?"

Kevin blinked, staying quiet for a second. "So what? You're on her side now?"

"No, I'm not. What Alexis did was horrible, Kevin, and I'm sorry that she put you through that. I am. I don't know what I'd do if Frank ever did that to me."

"Then why are you acting as if I asked for it to happen?"

"Well, did you?"

"Gwen—"

"Listen, we both know that ever since Jenny did her number on you, you haven't been the relationship type of guy. You've been more than content to just live your life going from one woman to the next, which is perfectly fine. But what you had with Alexis was as close as you have ever gotten to being committed to someone."

"And?"

"And, maybe that scared you, Kev. Maybe having Alexis in your life changed you."

"I didn't change."

"You didn't? Because when you would talk about her to me, you spoke like a man who was in love. You did love her, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Then why would Alexis feel so insecure about your relationship, that she would do the one thing that would end it?"

"What makes you think she was insecure with our relationship?"

"Why else would she have cheated? She loved you, Kev. I could see it whenever I saw the two of you together. She looked at you like she couldn't believe that you were real, that she was actually with you, and I know that look because I'm almost positive that's how I looked at Frank when we first started seeing each other. Alexis wouldn't have cheated for any other reason."

"So this is my fault? You're saying that I basically gave her permission to break my heart."

"I'm saying that you let Jenny back into your life, and you made her a priority and obviously that didn't sit well with Alexis."

"She told me to stop seeing Jenny and I told her that I would."

"But?"

"I didn't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do know. I think you're just afraid to admit that you fell into Jenny's trap all over again."

"What trap? Jenny and I didn't do anything sexual with each other. We didn't."

"I believe you, but that doesn't mean that you didn't get played, Kevin. She had to have known that you were happy with Alexis and that had to make her jealous, given how her life was falling apart. Maybe she wanted all of this to happen so that she could get her hooks into you and get you back."

"Well her plan failed. After Alexis and I broke up, I told Jenny I didn't want her in my life anymore."

"That's good. I'm glad to hear it, but can't you see that it doesn't matter, because she already did what she wanted."

"Gwen, I don't need to hear this right now."

"Well too bad, Kiddo. You let the snake into the garden and you're actually shocked that you got bit?"

"It's too late for Sunday school lessons, Gwen. I can't fix this. Even though I went behind Alexis' back and talked to Jenny, which was a dick move, that doesn't erase the fact that Alexis had sex with another man."

"No, but maybe it can help you to see why Alexis did that. She asked you to specifically not do something and you did it anyway. You chose to spend time with the one woman who Alexis was probably the most self conscious about and you lied to her about it. What was she supposed to do, Kevin? Ignore it?"

"She didn't have to cheat."

"No, she didn't, but you also need to understand that you played a role in that as well. You're not the victim that you're making yourself out to be. So maybe you could own up to your mistakes instead of getting drunk and hating on Alexis."

Kevin sighed and leaned his head back on the couch. "I don't know if I'm too drunk or not drunk enough for this conversation."

"Trust me, you're plenty drunk."

Kevin shook his head, his eyes closed. "Why did I let Jenny back in?"

"Everyone has a weakness, Kevin."

"I don't want her to be mine."

"We don't get to choose that, but you can try your hardest to keep her away."

"Think I have that covered."

"I hope so. She's ruined your life enough. Don't ever let her back in to just do it all over again."

Kevin nodded. "I'll try my hardest."

"And also, try your hardest to try and see things from Alexis' point of view. I'm not saying you have to forget and move on, but clearly you can work towards forgiveness."

"You think so?"

"I do. You and I both know that you still love her and that she isn't that bad person you want her to be, so just try to see that and to remember that she wasn't the only one who messed up."

Kevin looked at Gwen for a moment, before nodding. Gwen smiled at him a bit. "I still love you Knucklehead, so do the right thing."

"Or?"

"I'll still love you, but I'll also have to kick your ass."

Kevin chuckled a bit. "I love you, too."

"So are you going to think about what I said, like in the morning when things aren't as hazy?"

"I'll think about it. I don't know what good it will do, but I'll think about it."

"I'll take it." Gwen grinned and then stood up from the couch. "Thank God that didn't take long. I'm tired. You know that this is past my usual bedtime, don't you?"

"Sorry to keep you up," Kevin said, sarcastically. He stood up, but then the room starting spinning, so he sat back down. "I was going to let you out, but I don't think I can walk right now."

"That's fine. I'll let myself out, and I will also be calling you tomorrow."

"Looking forward to it."

Gwen took his glass from his hand. "Get some sleep, okay? That's more important than ruining your kidneys."

"Thanks for the lecture, Mom."

"Anytime," she smirked. "Goodnight."

"Night." Kevin waved before Gwen left through the front door.

He wanted to consider what Gwen had said to him, but he didn't have the brainpower in him. It wasn't long before he let out a yawn. Maybe sleep was a good idea. Worrying about Alexis and his failing life would have to be put on hold.

When Alexis descended the stairs in her father's loft, she thought it would be just another day in her new life. Her hair was pulled back in a no-nonsense ponytail, her clothes were pressed, and she'd put on just enough makeup to hide the dark circles beneath her eyes.

"Made breakfast," her dad said, gesturing to the French toast and sausages on a platter on the counter.

"Just coffee," she mumbled. She hadn't had an appetite in weeks. She poured some of the black stuff into her travel mug along with a unhealthy dose of sugar. When she looked up from her task, she saw her father watching her with undisguised concern. "Okay, I'll take a slice to go," she amended, wrapping a slice of the heavy bread, sans syrup, in a paper towel. If it made him worry less, she'd pretend to be normal. And he didn't need to know if the toast ended up in a garbage can on her way to work.

Her father smiled, but it was thin. "No time to have breakfast with your dad this morning?"

Alexis shook her head. "Esposito called. We got a new case this morning. I need to get down there first thing."

He nodded, used to her demanding schedule. "Well, if you get off work at a half-decent time, I thought we could go check out some new apartments, see if we can find you a place that feels like home."

She swallowed against the lump in her throat. "That sounds great, Dad."

She rushed off to work, every mile closer to the precinct sending dread to the pit of her stomach. She just had to make it to the homicide floor.

This was her new life, her new mantra, her new routine. Wake up in her childhood bedroom, drag herself into the shower, and then hurry off to work and pray that she wouldn't run into Kevin on her way into the office.

She hadn't seen him since he'd told her to move out. Almost three weeks had passed, and Alexis wondered how many more it would take to feel like a real person again.

She climbed the stairs to her floor, her tired body complaining about her decision. But it was better than running into him on the elevator.

Alexis made her way onto the floor, a little out of breath from the staircase, and set her things on her desk. Javi was fiddling with the coffee maker in the break room.

"Detective Castle, nice of you to grace us with your presence." The cold voice behind her sent her heart into overdrive, and Alexis whipped around to see Kevin Ryan looming behind her, watching her with empty blue eyes.

"Kevin?" Her voice was unusually high. "What are you doing on homicide?"

"Working." Again, the coldness in his voice sent a fresh wave of self-loathing over her.

"Up here?" God, could she sound anymore pathetic? Like a little mouse that someone had stepped on.

Kevin shrugged. "One of my informants ended up in a body bag last night. The captain suggested I consult with homicide." He looked her up and down and smirked. "Know any good detectives?"

Alexis was speechless. She blinked at him, desperate to see some warmth, to see any sign that he felt something more than disgust and hatred.

"Alexis, can I get your help in here?" Javier called from the break room.

She tore herself away from Kevin and mutely hurried into the break room. Javier was still fiddling with the coffee maker, and when she came to stand beside him, those sharp brown eyes fell on her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Esposito," she said automatically.

He rolled his eyes, and she knew he didn't believe her. "Okay, I'll make this simple then. Kev told me you two broke up."

"What?" It wasn't a secret, per se, so Alexis didn't know why she was so surprised.

"He told me few weeks ago. I wasn't gonna say anything about it till you were ready to talk but—"

"Did he say why we broke up?" That shame she carried everywhere like a second skin heated her body. Would Javier look at her like Kevin had once he learned the truth?

He shook his head. "I asked him not to tell me."

"Why not?"

"Because he's my best friend, and you're my partner. I can't be in a situation that makes me choose between you."

"You can choose him," she informed him, keeping her eyes on the countertop. "It was my fault."

He shook his head. "Doesn't work like that. Now, can you handle him being underfoot for a couple of days?"

"Of course I can," she said automatically.

"Alexis," Javi said meaningfully. "Tell me the truth, not just what you think you're supposed to say."

She looked back out at the bullpen, where Kevin was sifting through variables on the murder board. He looked good, and Alexis had always been a sucker for his three-piece suit. Still, she hadn't been prepared to see him, the man she loved, the man who hated her. She hated the way he'd looked at her as if she were less than nothing to him. As if they hadn't been living together, sleeping in the same bed, just a few weeks earlier. She wondered if Jenny had filled the empty space in his apartment.

Javier patted her shoulder like the big brother she'd never had. "It's okay if you're not up to this. It's probably not the best for you two to work together at all anymore, anyway. Karpowski or Beckett could fill in—"

"It's fine, Javi. Really." It was just one case. She could deal with one case. She was the one who had gotten all three of them into that mess. She wasn't going to be the one who backed out. If Kevin could handle working with her, then she could offer him the same courtesy. "It'll be like old times," she said with a weak smile.

He sighed. "That's what I'm afraid of."

When Alexis had confessed to him about her infidelity and his world had fallen out from under him, Kevin had consoled himself with one thing: at least they weren't partners anymore. At least, even though they both worked for the NYPD, they weren't in the same division anymore.

So naturally the universe decided to shit on him and throw him together on a case with his ex-girlfriend of three weeks. Thank God for Javi. If Kevin had been forced to consult with Alexis alone, well, he wouldn't have. It was almost impossible to be around her anymore, even with Javier buffering for them.

Kevin's eyes kept darting from the murder board over to the break room, where Esposito was talking to Alexis in hushed tones. No doubt giving her some sort of pep talk, or maybe an easy way out. How great would that be? To get to work on a case with his best friend and leave Alexis out of it.

He glued to his eyes to his informant—and now the victim's—mugshot as the two detectives walked over to him. Javier stepped up right next to him, while Alexis leaned against her desk, a few feet away but still within view of the board. She took a sip from the travel mug on her desk. Kevin didn't recognize it. Of course, most of their kitchen things had been his when they'd moved in together, and as far as he could tell, she hadn't taken a single plate or fork when she'd moved out. The only thing missing from the cupboards was a mug he'd gotten her at the aquarium on one of their rare shared days off. He wondered what she'd done with it.

". . . would want him dead?" Javier asked, and Kevin's attention pinged back to the case in front of them.

"Sorry, what?"

If Javier could guess where his mind had been, he didn't comment.

"Can you tell us about your informant?" Alexis asked, no doubt repeating Javier's question.

His eyes darted over to hers, and her gaze dipped down to the floor for half a moment before raising back up to meet his stare. She looked exhausted, pale, and terribly breakable, but she didn't break eye contact with him again. Kevin looked away first, stepping up to the board to point at the mugshot. "Antoine Park. Thirty-seven. He was a dealer for a heroin kingpin who's been rumored to work through night clubs across Manhattan. I'd been working with Antoine for a month or two. He wanted out, wanted to disappear, and we'd discussed the possibility of getting him into WITSEC if he could offer intel on his boss. Last night he was found in an alley with his throat slit."

"You think he'd been made?" Javier asked.

Kevin shrugged. "I don't know. It's months of work down the drain if he was."

"Why else would he have been murdered just when he'd tried to start turning his life around?" Alexis asked, skeptical. She'd stepped up closer to him, and he could just make out the scent of her shampoo. It was the same one she'd used when they'd lived together. Something floral that made his mouth water like some sick Pavlovian reaction. Alexis wasn't looking at him anymore, instead she was studying to picture on the board and the few facts that had been written on the dry-erase, her lips were pursed, and a crease had appeared between her eyebrows. Kevin knew she was good, and he'd seen her in action enough to know that her mind was travelling a mile a minute, working through the variables in front of her. He used to love watching her work. Now the whole thing only pissed him off.

He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that the question was valid. That she'd done nothing wrong, said nothing wrong, was just doing her job like he'd asked her to. But those facts apparently didn't compute to the hurt, feral animal inside him. The sick compulsion to never let her forget, for even one second, how monumentally she had fucked things up. "Feeling sorry for him, Castle?"

She peeled her eyes away from the board for just a moment, confusion shining through. "He was trying to change his life for the better. It's unfortunate he didn't get the chance."

"'Cause every sinner deserves redemption, right?" he sneered. "He was a dealer; he ruined lives. And he was only working with us to save his own sorry ass. So you'll excuse me if I'm not going to shed a tear."

She shook her head. "I never said—"

"Some things can't be forgiven, you know," he said meaningfully. "And some people don't deserve redemption."

As soon as the poisonous words left his lips, she shut down. That frenetic energy stilled, those cogs whirring in her mind screeched to a halt. What little color remained in her face slipped out of it, and he watched her shoulders hunch forward just a bit, her gaze skittered down to the floor. One moment a brilliant homicide detective, the next a kicked puppy. Kevin had never felt so sick and delighted in his life. She blew out a breath, her voice dark but weak. "Right. Because you're such a saint." He saw the beginning of tears shining in her eyes.

Anger painted the world around him a bright red, and he moved into her personal space just as Esposito grabbed his arm and yanked him back. "Really?" Javier shook his head. "You two can't make it ten minutes?"

"I'm sorry, Javi," Alexis said. She wiped at her eyes, clearly trying to find composure, but Kevin didn't feel sorry for his response at all.

"You know she cheated on me, right?" Kevin asked loudly, inviting anyone and everyone to be a part of their conversation.

Javier swore under his breath. "That's enough." He took Kevin by the arm and dragged him into the empty interrogation room. He pointed at a chair and barked. "Sit!"

"I'm not your dog," Kevin said crossly. Javier slammed the door, leaving him alone to stew in his anger and misery. A few minutes later, he returned with Alexis in tow. Bright red patches colored her pale cheekbones as she stood on the other side of the table. She looked almost as angry as he felt.

"Say whatever shit you need to say, get it out of your system, and then start acting like goddamn professionals," Javier said. "We have a case, and you two need to leave your baggage at the door."

"Where to even begin?" Kevin mused. "How about this? She went out one night and decided to fuck some stranger. She didn't even know him and she let him touch her, let him be inside her."

Alexis looked like she was going to be sick. "I'm so sorry, Kevin. It was a mistake."

"A pretty goddamn monumental mistake, don't you think?"

She nodded. "Yeah, it was. The biggest mistake I've ever made." Her voice was hollow, and she looked like a shell of the Alexis he used to know, the Alexis he'd fallen in love with.

Of course, the Alexis he'd fallen in love with never would have cheated on him.

Alexis wiped her eyes. "Well, it seems like things worked out just fine for you. You have Jenny, you can finally be together now that I'm not standing in the way." Her voice cracked. "I hope you're happy with the choices you've made."

Javier's head snapped to the side, and he pinned Kevin with a glare that would've made a weaker man afraid. "Jenny?" he mouthed at Kevin.

Kevin huffed, and a bit of his anger dried up under the weight of his best friend's glare. Mustering up the last of his toxic fury, he locked eyes with Alexis. "I am happy with my choices." He'd never told a bigger lie in his entire life. "The only thing I regret is wasting my time on you." He moved to the door, shouldering past Esposito. "Great idea, Espo. I feel much better now." He let the door to interrogation slam behind him and tried to erase the image of Alexis' stricken face.