Stepping Forward

Quote: "In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety." Abraham Maslow.

Chapter One

Two dragons chased one another across the sky, cavorting like children on a summer day. The black Night Fury and the blue and gold Nadder twisted and spun and leap-frogged over clouds as their riders whooped and shrieked with joy.

"Last one to Itchy Armpit is a rotten Mildew's cabbage!" Hiccup called out as Toothless leveled out of a falling spiral and hurtled through the air as if he'd been shot from a catapult.

"You're on, Dragon Boy!" Astrid leaned close over her dragon's neck. "Stormfly, go!"

Toothless was already a dark speck in the distance, but Stormfly stretched her neck, flapped her wings furiously, and steadily gained on him. By the time Itchy Armpit with its rocky hills and dark forests loomed ahead of them, the two dragons were neck and neck. Toothless found a last burst of speed and pulled slightly ahead before crash landing in a clearing near a cliff's edge. He and Hiccup somersaulted twice before the dragon managed to brace his forelegs and come to a stop.

Hiccup shook his head and wiped a hand across his brow, leaving a smear of dirt. "We've got to work on those landings, bud. You okay?"

Toothless huffed, then crowed triumphantly at Stormfly as she and Astrid landed gracefully beside them.

Hiccup, too, grinned. "We won!"

"That's all right," Astrid said dryly. "Stormfly and I prefer not to break any bones before lunch."

The two riders slipped from their dragons' backs and into each other's arms, laughing. They shared a long, lingering kiss until Toothless gave them a sharp nudge with his head, reminding them that their dragons were waiting to be unsaddled and fed.

"All right, all right," Hiccup laughed as he and Astrid drew apart. He looked back at his girlfriend and remarked dryly, "Do you ever think our parents told them to be chaperones?"

Astrid laughed too as she took a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the dirt from his forehead. "My parents might have, but I think your Dad's going to start planning our wedding himself if you don't hurry up and ask me."

She was joking, but Hiccup looked suddenly stricken.

"What's wrong?" Astrid asked quietly.

"Nothing, nothing," Hiccup said. "Just that's part of the reason-kind of, in a way-that I wanted to talk with you."

"I mean, not to propose or anything," he added so swiftly his words fell over each other. Then, realizing that he might have hurt her feelings, he buried his face in hands. "Argh, that sounded horrible, didn't it? I'm sorry! I didn't mean it that way!" He looked at her anxiously, "You know how much I love you, right?"

Astrid raised her eyebrows. "Well, you're not exactly building up my ego here."

Hiccup looked at her seriously and took her hand. "Astrid, I love you with all my heart, and I do want to marry you one day, but…."

She relented and squeezed his hand gently. "I know, Hiccup, we've both agreed. We'll get married one day soon, but we're not quite ready yet."

Hiccup studied her. "Are you upset?"

Astrid gave him a quick kiss, then stepped back. "No, but I think you are. So what's going on?"

He glanced over at Toothless and Stormfly, both watching them impatiently. The Nadder was actually tapping her paw on the ground. "Let's get those two settled and have our lunch first."

So Astrid unsaddled the dragons and fed them some fish while Hiccup spread a blanket on the ground and unpacked the rest of the picnic basket-roast chicken, bread rolls, fruit, and flasks of tea.

Toothless and Stormfly wandered towards the edge of the forest and settled down in the shade. Stormfly preened and began to polish her scales with the edge of her beak while the Night Fury curled up with his head on his paws and closed his eyes.

Hiccup and Astrid sat cross-legged on the blanket and watched them a moment before Astrid reached for a roll. "All right, Dragon Boy, talk. What's the problem?"

"Well, I've been talking with Dad," Hiccup began before looking over to see Astrid silently mouthing the words along with him. "Hey!"

She giggled. "Sorry, but it is a little predictable by now."

He looked grumpy for a moment, but then had to grin reluctantly. "I guess it is, but this is really important, Astrid, and I just don't know what to do."

"Well, tell me about it."

Hiccup took a deep breath. "Ok. This morning I came down to breakfast and Dad said we needed to talk about the future…"

Flashback, morning

Hiccup bounced down the stairs, feeling more cheerful than he had in weeks. Finally things were settling down and beginning to feel somewhat normal again. The battle with Drago Bludvist had devastated Berk, but everyone had survived. The wounded were all healed by now, and the village had been rebuilt. Much to Hiccup's surprise, none of the villagers had blamed him for the trouble, and indeed, had been proud of him for defeating the warlord. He was humbled and grateful because he still blamed himself, no matter how much his father had reassured him. But he was trying to let go of his guilt and move on.

His mother currently lived with her dragons on the other side of the island. After so many years of living alone with them, she had had some trouble adjusting to being around humans again. She did better when she could visit Berk for short periods of time and then leave when she felt hemmed in by the people and buildings.

Hiccup wasn't really sure what was going on with her and his father. She often came to have dinner with them, and sometimes Stoick and Valka would go on long walks by themselves. Sometimes they seemed happy together, but at other times they would be quiet and withdrawn, or sullen and almost angry.

Hiccup himself had mixed feelings towards Valka. He loved talking with her about dragons, teaching each other new things, flying and exploring together. She loved dragons as much as he did, and the two of them could spend hours discussing Toothless and Cloudjumper.

But she seemed more like a new friend than his mother. He couldn't imagine loving her the same way he loved his father. And though they hadn't talked much about it, he was hurt with her, too.

She had abandoned their family, decided that it would be too difficult to make things work, and had let them think she was dead for twenty years. And if their paths hadn't crossed, she would have stayed away and they never would have met.

Maybe she hadn't meant to send the message that her child wasn't worth as much to her as her dragons, but it was hard for Hiccup not to think it.

And if his own feelings were mixed, he could only imagine the turmoil his father was going through.

But the previous night had been a good one. Valka had come for dinner and the three of them had sat before the fire for hours afterwards. They had all shared a few stories from the past, but nothing painful or uncomfortable. They had talked about dragons of course, too, and then Valka and Hiccup had worked on updating their maps of the unexplored land around the Archipelago while Stoick had whittled at a block of oak, adding to his armada of wooden ducks, and Toothless had dozed in the corner.

Hiccup's good mood had carried over to the morning. He had decided that however his parents handled their relationship, he just wanted them to be happy. If that meant they renewed their marriage, great. If they felt it was better to live apart, he just hoped they could both be at peace with that.

In the meantime, he was looking forward to the day. Everyone had worked so hard the past few weeks rebuilding the village. Now that it was complete, Gobber had decided to celebrate by taking a well-earned rest and had closed the forge for the day.

Which meant that Hiccup had a free day as well and he was planning to spend it with Astrid.

So he was feeling cheerful when he came downstairs. Stoick was already seated at the table, eating porridge and fruit.

"Morning, Dad." Hiccup fixed his own plate and slid into his chair.

"Morning, Son." Stoick eyed him. "You have big plans since Gobber's given you both the day off?"

"Astrid and I are going flying, maybe see what's further west of Itchy Armpit."

Usually Stoick looked pleased when Hiccup and Astrid were spending time together. It was almost embarrassing, since lately he had begun to drop not-so-subtle hints that he was ready to have a daughter-in-law.

But now Stoick only nodded and frowned at his plate.

"Is something wrong?" Hiccup asked.

"Not wrong," Stoick answered slowly, "But there is something we need to discuss."

"If it's about the aqueduct flooding the south field, Ruff and Tuff caused that because they wanted to make an artificial swimming pond."

"No, it's about—wait, the aqueduct flooded?" Stoick looked up sharply. "When? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, the field's mostly drained now. There was no real damage, so we didn't see any reason to worry you," Hiccup tried to smooth things over.

Stoick looked as if he were about to say more, but then he just shook his head. "No, I don't want to know." He took a deep, calming breath and continued. "Son, we need to talk about the future."

Now it was Hiccup's turn to look alarmed. "What about it?"

"Well, you know I was planning to retire when Bludvist came on the scene." Stoick held up a hand to silence Hiccup who was beginning to sputter. "I've realized that I should wait a bit longer. But the plain truth is that I'm not getting any younger and I would like to retire within the next couple of years."

He reached across the table to lay his hand on Hiccup's arm. "I know you've always said that you don't want to be chief. But I think the reason is because you're afraid of failing. Hiccup, you would a good chief, a great chief. I can see it every day."

Hiccup shook his head. "How can you see it? I'm still not very good with weapons. Astrid can throw an axe farther than I can. Snotlout can-"

"You don't give yourself enough credit," Stoick interrupted. "But you don't have to be great with weapons to be a great chief. Maybe I thought so once, too, but you've helped me to see that there's much more to it than that."

"Like what?"

"Like being able to inspire people, being creative in solving problems, being selfless and generous and brave," Stoick answered. "You're out there every day, getting people and dragons to compromise and understand one another. When someone's in trouble, you keep working until you've found a way to help, and look at all the inventions you've made that have made our lives easier."

Hiccup ducked his head. "Half of them broke down and made a big mess first."

"And you were right there, cleaning up the mess," Stoick said firmly. "And then you figured out the problems and fixed them. That's what life is all about, son. That's the best any of us can do."

Hiccup looked at him miserably. "But if I were chief, then when I mess up, the whole village suffers. And you're wrong, Dad. I don't inspire people. No one looks up to me. I don't know how to be a leader."

Stoick raised his eyebrows. "Who taught the young people in this village to tame dragons? Who came after our fleet and saved our necks? Who faced a monster the size of a mountain and won? Who ended a war that had lasted for three hundred years and taught humans and dragons to live together? Who leads the Dragon Riders?"

"But Dad, that was all dragon stuff!" Hiccup protested. "And I never could have done any of it alone! I had Toothless and—"

"You wouldn't be alone as chief either," Stoick told him. "That's the main reason I want to retire soon—because, God willing, I'd still be around to help smooth the path, give advice, and be a shoulder to lean on, especially the first few years when you're young and figuring it all out."

But Hiccup still looked troubled.

Stoick took his son's hand in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Hiccup, the last thing in the world I want to do is to force you into a job you hate. You're my son, and I want you to be happy. If you want to take over the forge from Gobber or work full-time with dragons, I will support you whole-heartedly. I will always love you and be proud of you, no matter what you choose. But I do wish you would give this a chance. Being chief can be a very rewarding and fulfilling job. If you gave it a try, you might like it more than you think you would."

"How would I give it a try?" Hiccup asked quietly.

"Well, I was thinking perhaps you could start working with me, like an assistant. Give it six months and see how you feel then. If you're still not interested, then you can quit with my blessing and I'll name Astrid as my heir."

"Snotlout wouldn't be pleased. He thinks he's in line after me." Hiccup managed a small smile.

"Snotlout has grown into a finer young man than I once expected," Stoick responded. "But between you and me, Astrid would be a far better chief."

"She'd be a far better chief than me, too." Hiccup looked down at his plate unhappily.

"If I truly believed that, I would have asked her first, especially knowing that you're not thrilled about any of this," Stoick said. "But I do believe that you're the best one to take over. And I don't think you would be unhappy, once you realize you can do it."

"But if I am unhappy?" Hiccup's eyes were filled with such sad trepidation that it broke Stoick's heart. For so many years, he had neglected and emotionally abused his son. He had not acknowledged to himself the truth of what he was doing. He had told himself that he was trying to protect Hiccup, that he was trying to keep him safe and alive during a dangerous war, and that was actually true.

But a darker truth was that Stoick had been disappointed that Hiccup was not the brawny, athletic son he had once imagined having. Throughout Valka's pregnancy, he had pictured himself with a hearty, tough mini-Stoick, a boy that he could hunt and fish and train with. Instead he had ended up with a small, sickly child who cried at the sight of a hurt animal and preferred drawing and reading to axe-throwing.

Stoick had spent a number of years trying to force Hiccup to become something that he simply couldn't be and by the time Stoick had finally given up in frustration, bitter disappointment had poisoned their relationship.

But then he had almost lost his son forever at the battle on Dragon Island and that had finally, finally shaken the scales from Stoick's eyes. He had realized just how much he truly did love his little boy, and had learned to cherish him just as he was. Indeed, as he actually got to know Hiccup for the first time in their lives, he had shamefacedly realized that many of the things he had considered weaknesses were in fact strengths.

He had tried so hard to make up for all the past hurts and failures. He had accepted Toothless into their family. He praised and encouraged Hiccup, both when they were alone and in front of others. He made sure to be there whenever he thought Hiccup might need him. Stoick would always take his responsibilities as chief seriously, but they no longer took priority over his son. If there happened to be a conflict between duty and fatherhood, he got Gobber or Spitelout or another Council member to stand in his place while he tended to his son.

Most of all, he made sure that Hiccup knew he was loved, always and unconditionally.

Hiccup did seem much happier and more content, most of the time at least. He had forgiven Stoick, had given his father another chance, and though it had taken time, the two of them were truly close now-able to hug, to laugh and cry together, and to share their deepest thoughts.

Hiccup also had a brother and best friend in Toothless. He had Astrid and other friends as well. Putting him in charge of the Dragon Riders had been a wise choice. He was the best at working with the dragons, of course, but it had also helped him to bond with the other young people in the village. Stoick had almost cried tears of joy the first evening he had come home to find Hiccup lounging on the steps with all the other teens, laughing and talking about their exploits with their dragons.

"We were all having so much fun together we decided to keep on hanging out," Hiccup had explained to him and Stoick had had to turn away to hide his emotion at seeing his son so happy and accepted.

But there were other times, too—times when Hiccup's eyes grew shadowed, when nightmares plagued his sleep, and when he seemed paralyzed with self-doubt and self-loathing, afraid that everyone would turn against him for any small mistake.

And then Stoick feared that some wounds went too deep to ever completely heal.

Looking across the table now at his son's anxious expression, he prayed he wasn't making another mistake, pressuring Hiccup to be something he wasn't once again. But this time was different, because this time Stoick was going to put Hiccup's happiness first.

"If you're unhappy, then you go back to working in the forge, and you'll be the most brilliant smithy Berk's ever known," Stoick reassured him, giving Hiccup's hand another squeeze. "I didn't mean to spoil your day. It's just that the time has come when we need to start planning for the future. But you don't have to make a decision right this minute. Take a few days to think about it, talk it over with Astrid and Toothless."

"If I did decide to be Assistant Chief, or whatever you call it, for six months, what would Gobber do? I wouldn't have much time to work in the forge, would I?"

"No, Gobber would need to take on another apprentice," Stoick said.

"But how could I go back to the forge then?" Hiccup asked. "Gobber would have already replaced me."

"Well, Gobber might decide to retire too. He's mentioned it a couple times lately," Stoick answered. "If he did, then you would take over and be in charge. In any case, the new apprentice would have to go into it knowing that it might only be a temporary thing."

Hiccup frowned. "That doesn't seem very fair."

"It's fair enough so long as he knows it from the start. In the meantime, he'd be earning a wage and learning valuable skills," Stoick countered.

"Sounds like you and Gobber have been talking," Hiccup remarked wryly.

"Maybe a little," Stoick agreed. He finished his breakfast and went to wash his plate and utensils. Then he paused to rest his hand on Hiccup's shoulder. "Everything with be fine, son. I just want you to be able to make an informed decision. You already know what it's like to be a blacksmith. Give this a try for a few months and it'll give you a taste of what being chief would be like, too. Then you'll have a better idea which would make you happy. That's all I want, I promise."

"I'll think about it," Hiccup mumbled.

"Good. Enjoy your day with Astrid. I'll see you tonight." Stoick left and Hiccup picked at his food a little longer before clearing up. When he went outside, Toothless was waiting for him.

"Hey, bud. You ready to go? Hold on and I'll get the saddle."

But Toothless blocked his way and studied him curiously. /You don't look as happy as you should be, considering that we're spending the day flying with Astrid and Stormfly./

"Oh, it's fine. You know me, over-reacting as usual," Hiccup responded. "It's just that Dad's talking about retiring again. Apparently Gobber is, too. They deserve it; of course they do, but I just hate for things to change. I hate for them to get older. And Dad still hasn't given up on me being chief."

He told Toothless all about his father's proposal. "He says he wants me to be happy, but if I don't like it, he's going to be so disappointed, I just know it. What do you think I should do, Toothless?"

/I think you should do what Dad says. Quit worrying and be happy. He's just asking you to give it a try. If you don't like it, maybe he'll be a little disappointed, but he wouldn't want you to feel pressured into anything. And who knows, you might actually like it./

Hiccup was quiet, looking down the hill to where the village was coming to life for the day. People walked down the streets, calling out greetings to one another. Shopkeepers opened their stores. Several Nadders and a Zippleback munched on fish at the feeding station, and a group of children and Terrible Terrors played tag on the hillside.

He turned back to Toothless, "You really think so?"

/You won't know if you don't try./

"True. I guess I could see what Astrid thinks," Hiccup mused. "I shouldn't let it spoil our day, right?"

Toothless nodded emphatically as Hiccup went to get the saddle and picnic basket. A short time later they met Astrid and Stormfly at the docks and soared into the sky. Flying always freed Hiccup's spirit and he managed to leave his worries on the ground as they chased each other through the crisp autumn air.

But flying was only a temporary reprieve and as he told Astrid about the choices he had to make, Hiccup could feel the burden weighing on him like a ton of bricks.

End of flashback

"I can't believe Dad still wants me to be chief after everything that happened with Drago! What happens when I mess things up again? We were so lucky that no one was killed. Next time we might not be that lucky."

"Hiccup, the battle with Drago wasn't your fault," Astrid said firmly. "Maybe you shouldn't have run off to face him, but that certainly wasn't the only cause. I made mistakes too, but mostly it was Drago's fault. He wanted to attack us. Your dad was right when he said Drago would have come here at some point anyway. If it had happened later, maybe things would be worse." She shrugged. "Maybe it's best that it happened when it did."

"Maybe," Hiccup agreed. "But don't you see, Astrid? If I became chief, I would have to make these kinds of decisions all the time. Do we try to make peace or prepare to fight? Do I send the ships out in bad weather and risk the fishermen's lives, or risk that we might not have enough food for winter? When we sign treaties with the other tribes, can I trust them to keep their word or am I leaving us open to attack? It's hard enough making decisions for myself, but as chief, people could die if I choose wrong."

"Hey, calm down," Astrid moved close and wrapped her arms around Hiccup. "You're over-thinking things again. Yes, the chief does have a lot of responsibility, but even the chief doesn't have to make those decisions alone. That's what the Council is for, to give advice and to help make the tough choices."

"Yes, but the chief has the final say." Hiccup shook his head. "I don't think I ever really appreciated how difficult Dad's job is. I ought to tell him."

Hiccup stared unseeingly out over the ocean, looking so downcast that Astrid had a feeling that something more was troubling him. Following her hunch, she reached over to gently turn his face to look at her. "What else is bothering you?"

Hiccup was quiet for so long that she wasn't sure he was going to answer, but finally he spoke in a low voice, "I guess it's selfish, but if I messed up, everyone would hate me. I don't want to be alone again."

She held him close before taking his face between her hands and staring deep into his eyes. "Hiccup, you're never going to be alone again. I promise that I will always love you and stand with you, no matter what. And I know that Toothless and your dad will too."

Stormfly suddenly called out with a loud squawk and they both turned to see her watching them intently.

"I think you can count on her, too," Astrid had to laugh a little and even Hiccup grinned as he responded, "Thanks, Stormfly!"

Astrid leaned over to kiss him and it was several long moments before they drew apart.

"Feeling better?" She asked softly.

He nodded and leaned against her. "Thanks, Astrid."

But even as Hiccup spoke, he knew it wasn't entirely true. He did feel better for the moment, but there was an insidious little voice inside that whispered doubts and reminded him of the past, and it wasn't completely silenced. It told him that it was easy for Astrid; she had never known what it was like to be an outcast, to have everyone look at her with contempt, to know that she was a disappointment to her family and that she could never measure up no matter how hard she tried. She had never lost everything before.

But Hiccup had.

He tried not to listen to that voice and sometimes it was quiet for weeks, even months, at a time. But it never completely went away and sometimes Hiccup felt his life was a balancing act. He juggled everything and just prayed that it wouldn't all come crashing down again.

But maybe Astrid and Toothless were right. He did have a tendency to over-think things.

He took a deep breath. "I guess I could tell Dad that I'll give it a try."

"Good. Now that that's settled, let's eat. I'm starving."

Hiccup handed her a plate of roast chicken before fixing one for himself. He tried to relax and enjoy spending time with Astrid, tried to tell himself that everything would be fine, that this was a simple six-month trial and at the end of it, he could freely choose what was best for him and everyone would be happy.

If only he could believe it.