Chapter Eight
Alexis felt tension slip away as the repetitive thump of her gloved fists against the bag worked in a counter rhythm to her breaths. It was better than meditation or yoga. Nothing else soothed the fury just below her skin, the relentless ache in her psyche.
Her new hobby, four mornings a week with nothing but the bag and her own tired body, had started right after the breakup, when Javier had made good on his promise to start working with her and teaching her a little extra about defending her. She'd all but thrown herself into the practice. Javi stepped in to train her and offer some up some of his Special Forces knowledge when he could, but more often than not Alexis was alone.
Late nights and early mornings when sleep eluded her, when the quiet apartment she shared with her dad had felt like a mausoleum, when the buzzing in her mind and the weight across her chest refused to free her, there was only one place to go.
She executed a roundhouse kick against the bag, a twinge of pain flaring in her abdomen. She breathed through it, forcing herself through the stances she'd learned by heart. It wasn't the first muscle ache she'd gotten from her new hobby, and it wouldn't be the last. Javier said she pushed herself too hard, that she'd end up hurting herself, but Alexis knew better. She wasn't even close to her limit.
"You're leaving your left side open."
Alexis' fell out of rhythm, her closed fist absorbing the impact of the bag and sending dull vibrations up her arm. She shook her hand out to ease the flaring pain in her bones as she glanced over at the intruder. Those familiar blue eyes sent her insides into convulsions and she was caught between the desire to run and a particularly fun image of tackling him and breaking his nose the same way he'd broken her heart.
No, that wasn't entirely true. She'd broken her own stupid heart by ruining everything in the first place. Kevin stepped forward from his place on the wall, looking a bit too perfect in his three piece suit. "You're favoring your right side, so your left is wide open."
"Um, thanks. I'll keep that in mind." She returned to her stance and caught him staring at her. Heat colored her cheekbones, but she studiously glanced away. "Did you need something, Detective Ryan? Espo's not in yet."
"I'm actually here to talk to you."
Her heartbeat sped up, and she tried to hide her instinctive step back, pivoting her body back toward the punching bag. "I'm busy right now."
"Right."
Alexis ignored him and instead forced her mind to count the steps and hits of her routine. Sooner or later, he'd get the hint.
"Is this a new hobby or something?" He was much closer now, less than a foot away, and her surprise threw her out of rhythm again, the bag smacking into her chest. She staggered back, gripping her side as pain lanced up her body. Maybe the sparring gym was a bad idea, after all.
"Are you alright?"
"You can't just sneak up on people, Kevin," she snapped. She pulled herself up to her full height, fighting to keep her face straight through the pain. "What do you want?"
He frowned at her, but let it go. "You're good at this."
Again, Alexis paused, self conscious and confused. What had happened to the vicious bulldog who'd ripped her apart in interrogation? "What do you really want, Ryan?"
"I… I saw you come in here and…." words seemed to fail him.
"And what? You wanted to get a little more off your chest? Tell me again what a terrible person I am?" Her heart was thumping, dread and anxiety mixing with the natural rush she'd gotten from her new pastime. Her body was primed for a fight and locked in a small space with the one person in her life who knew best how to hurt her. She felt vulnerable in her baggy gym clothes, and her hackles raised as she watched him watching her, taking in everything from her defensive stance to the messy strands of hair escaping from her ponytail.
Kevin looked tired, but there was something else in his eyes, some dark mix of wistfulness and hunger. Like a predator about to pounce on its prey of choice. In another life, that look had made her weak in the knees. But now, even as she felt heat rising in her cheeks, even as she found herself appreciating anew the way the man could wear a three-piece suit, some warning bell rang dimly at the back of her mind.
"How was apartment hunting yesterday?" he asked, his voice lower than it had been before.
"Why do you care?" Her voice was just this side of breathless, and she saw something glint in his eyes at her response. He'd noticed it, too.
"Just curious. I thought whatshisface might put you up for a while." The words dropped carelessly from his lips, as he stepped closed to her, but then his jaw tensed as he tried to smile. He was just as pissed as he'd ever been.
He wanted her to refute his claim, and because she knew that he wanted it, she refrained. She crossed her arms over her chest. "That's none of your business." Tension slipped over his entire frame, and she thought she saw that dark smoldering in his eyes blaze to life.
He was within arms' reach now. Close enough that she could almost feel the heat and emotion radiating off of him. Close enough that she was sure he could see the goosebumps raising on her bare arms. It was a callback to a game they'd used to play, back when they were together and Kevin was feeling particularly ravenous. Alexis played along, the teasing prey, always putting just enough distance between them that she was out of reach, until Kevin would snap and claim her like they'd both been wanting all along.
An animal part of Alexis wanted to fall into that role now, to back away until her back made contact with the wall, to use the exercise equipment as a shield until Kevin finally did catch her. To let him claim her like he'd used to, now in the early hours of the morning when nobody was there to interrupt them.
Still, she held onto a fragment of sense. A fragment of anger. A tiny shard that wanted nothing more than to hurt him back. "Shouldn't you be at home with Jenny right now?" The words were calculated to cut, and she told herself, even as she slung them back at him, that she would stand her ground. That she wouldn't let herself be pushed or bullied.
This was the wrong thing to say.
The space between them closed in a few strides, and though she'd told herself that she was unmoved by his anger, she couldn't stop herself from skittering back a step. He didn't look angry anymore; he looked raw. All jagged edges barely held together. She held her hands up in front of her, still wrapped in tape. "Don't."
"There's nothing—" He breathed hard, his control seemingly held by a thread. "That's not." His lips were white, his cheeks were flushed, and the expression in his eyes bordered on feral. His hands shook as he took a deep breath. "I never—" He couldn't bring himself to finish, and Alexis saw the truth shining in his eyes. He blinked rapidly, looking away as he let out a ragged breath.
He hadn't cheated on her. At least not physically. Not like she had. He'd broken her trust, and still she wondered if some part of him had fallen in love with Jenny all over again. Still she knew better than to believe that there had never been anything between him and his ex. An emotional affair, perhaps. But he hadn't crossed the line. Not like she had. He'd broken their relationship, but she'd broken him.
Tears burned at the back of her eyes, and her hands fell to her sides. "I'm not with him. It was a one-night thing." The confession felt like drawing poison from a wound, sharp and raw and a sick kind of release. "I still don't know what his name was. And I don't want to know."
He made a choking noise, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "You were right," she said hollowly. "I've ruined everything. I'm so—"
"Don't you dare say you're sorry," he barked, that sharp kinesis upon her once more.
But she wasn't afraid of him. What was there to be afraid of, when she'd already lost everything? "I am."
"Don't, Alexis."
"And despite the fact that you've been a complete asshole lately, I still miss you. I regret… everything."
"Enough." His eyes were shining with tears, and his ragged, angry retort sounded more like a plea.
She closed the distance between them, resting her taped hands on his chest. "I still love—"
Her back made contact with the wall, and Kevin pried her hands off his chest, pressing them into the wall on either side of her head. "Shut up," he begged, his eyes bloodshot, his voice raspy. "Stop fucking talking."
And then he lowered his head and his mouth crashed into hers. He poured everything into the kiss, longing and anger and hurt. His lips bruised her, his teeth nipped at her mouth until the metallic tang of blood spread over her tongue. He kissed her and kissed her until she was gasping for air, and then he kissed her some more.
His hands finally let go of hers, and one hand yanked her ponytail back to offer better access to her lips and throat. She twisted her fingers in the lapel of his jacket and pulled him in for more. More pain, more pleasure, more of this twisted affection that set her blood on fire and made her eyes burn. His teeth snagged on the crook of her neck, biting hard enough to white out her vision and his hand covered her mouth, smothering her cry.
"Tell me to stop," he rasped into her ear before kissing his way down to the deep indentation his teeth had left in her neck. His fingers tugged impatiently at the hem of her baggy tank top, and electricity coursed across her skin when his warm hands landed on her bare skin beneath the tank. "Tell me you don't want this."
"No."
He pulled back far enough to look at her face, making eye contact for the first time since he'd kissed her. Again, she saw a wounded animal when she looked into his face. A broken-hearted man who was hanging by a thread. A few tears slipped down her cheeks, and she saw his resolve faltering at that physical manifestation of her grief. Alexis was used to it though. If Kevin was in pieces over her betrayal, then she was an endless pool of self-loathing. No amount of tears, or wishing, or apologies would change what she'd done. It didn't change who she was.
"Alexis—"
"Don't stop." There was no stopping the tears now, but she didn't care. This was the closest thing to that sense of belonging she'd once had with him. It was a fake, broken imitation, but she'd take it all the same. "Please," she added.
Then his lips were sealed over hers, and his hands were tugging her tank over her head. Her sweatpants and underwear came off next, and her own fingers made quick work of the buttons on his slacks. He lifted her by her waist, and like a seamlessly choreographed dance, her legs wound tight around his hips. His hardened cock rocked against her slippery folds once, and then he was sheathing himself inside of her.
His hand covered her mouth once more, smothering the animal cry that ripped out of her throat. It had been weeks since she'd last had sex, since the drunken night with whatshisname, and her body struggled to adjust to the change. Kevin held himself inside her for just a moment, breathing heavily into the hollow of her neck, his fingers still curled over her mouth. Then, when he felt her relax, he began to move.
His mouth took charge of her own, and she moaned against his lips. He lifted her against him, leveraging for just the right angle, and stars burst behind her eyes as sensation lit up her base. She cupped his face in her hands, kissing him back as good as he gave.
He broke away from her mouth, resting his head against her neck as he thrust into her so deeply she was sure he was trying to brand her from the inside. "Princess," he whispered against her skin.
And then she was crying again, tears running down her cheeks as she clutched him closer to her, her legs tightening around his hips. Always closer. Because she knew that this was the best she'd get. This vicious coupling that hurt her soul as much as it kissed her body with pleasure, was the last time. This was anger and hurt and broken trust. A sick horror show of their shattered pieces even as their movements bordered on desperation. This was Kevin waging a war against her betrayal, with their bodies as the battleground. Every tear, every bruise, every gasp of pleasure and stifled sob was her penance.
It was too much. And it would never be enough.
White-hot light coiled low in her belly, and she fought against the impending tidal wave. "No, no, no, no," she whispered frantically as her toes curled against her will. She wasn't ready for it to be over.
"Yes." His hand reached between them, rubbing that bundle of nerves just right. A shockwave smashed through her, and she screamed into his mouth as her muscles clamped down on him, triggering his own release. She moaned through each aftershock, every stuttering thrust and cry bittersweet music to her ears.
When Kevin set her back down on her feet, she felt numb. Almost separate from her body. The clanking of his belt triggered her own sense of modesty, and she pulled her sweatpants back on and then pulled her tank top back over her head. It didn't seem like enough armor for the coming rejection, but it was all she had.
When she turned back to him, his eyes were shining again, and a couple tears slipped down the side of his face before he quickly wiped them away. She felt hollow, somehow worse than when he'd walked into the training room. It was like losing him all over again.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered again. She wanted more than anything for him to hold her, to comfort her, to tell her that they'd work things out. That it wasn't over.
"I know you are."
"I love you, Kevin. I always have. I n-never stopped." Emotion made her throat close, but she stood her ground. She let him see what she was now. Let him see what she'd done to herself. Let him see that she knew what she'd done to him.
"I loved you, too."
There it was again. That ugly, terrible past tense. An answer and condemnation all in one.
Alexis covered her hand with her mouth, stifling the distilled heartache that was threatening to tear its way from her throat. Her stomach twisted as reality slammed down on her anew, and she thought she might be sick.
She darted out of the training room, letting the door slam shut behind her. It wasn't until she was curled up under the women's locker room shower, the pressure and scalding temperature doing nothing to erase the memory of Kevin's body moving against hers, that she allowed herself to fall apart.
There would be no fixing things with Kevin. All the apologies and hate-sex in the world couldn't change the fact that he didn't love her anymore. She'd broken him. She'd broken them.
And it was all over.
The tension every single day that he had to walk into the precinct was reaching new heights. Everyone was aware of it and if they weren't, they had no right to call themselves a detective. After what he and Alexis had done in the training room, the tension was enough to push him to his breaking point.
She seemed entirely focused on their case, barely making eye contact with him, never touching him, always putting a good four feet of space between them. And though she was respectful to him when discussing their case, she no longer engaged when he lashed out at her, and, he noticed, she'd gotten in the habit of only being around him when Javier was there to buffer for them. She wouldn't allow him to approach her alone. Still, he couldn't not notice the way her shoulders slumped forward when he threw nasty words her way. He couldn't not notice how she watched him when she thought he wouldn't notice. He couldn't not feel the chemical connection between them in the most commonplace of moments: handing over case files, brushing past each other to add notes to the murder board, sharing an elevator on the way down to the car. Thank God for Javi.
Kevin wasn't sure if he should be grateful or disappointed for that abrupt change of heart. He hadn't felt an ounce of peace since those handful of moments when she'd been pressed against him. Part of him wanted to drink her in again, wanted nothing more than to invite her back to his apartment, back into his life, if only for the release—those few moments of peace in this monumental mess. But he knew better, and getting one fix had only made him want what he couldn't have.
He was done with it all. He hated the life he was living. He was spending his days only doing his work, but without his usual passion that he usually out into it. He'd spend his nights, thinking about the one person he wished that he could stop thinking about. It was too distracting.
He was tired of playing it out over and over inside of his head, trying to figure how he could have changed things. Maybe they'd still be together if he hadn't still tried to reconnect with Jenny, but he had. Maybe they'd still be together if they would have communicated better, but they hadn't. Maybe they'd still be together if Alexis hadn't cheated, but she had. It was an endless and useless cycle, because in the end, it didn't matter. He couldn't change anything, and she couldn't either.
He pretended to understand her side of things. He thought that he had been the one to make Alexis cheat, but that wasn't the truth. Kevin knew that it only took one person to cheat on another person. He wasn't going to let her push that mistake onto him.
What time he was running around with Jenny, he could have cheated. Jenny probably wouldn't have pushed him away, but he didn't. He never touched her in sexual way. He never thought about doing it, because stupidly, he had been in love with Alexis.
He trusted her, but she hadn't trusted him. And if she couldn't have trusted him, what the hell had she been doing with him? She should have just broken up with him, she hadn't had to cheat. She only did it to hurt him and unfortunately, it had worked.
Kevin entered Beckett's office and closed the door behind him. She'd requested to meet with him. Not only was Beckett there, but standing on the other side of the room was his direct superior in Narcotics, Mick Walsh. He had a serious look on his face, which Kevin learned was his resting face. The guy never cracked a smile.
Kevin wasn't nervous, not really. He knew that Beckett wouldn't do anything to drastic when it came to punishing him and he was also sure that she wouldn't call in Walsh for something so trivial, so he stood tall in front of her desk, waiting for the conversation to begin the conversation.
"You can have a seat, if you'd like," Beckett stated.
"No, thanks. I'd rather stand."
Beckett nodded and looked up at him, as she folded her hands over a manilla folder.
"How are you, Ryan?"
"How am I? Is that a sarcastic question?"
"No, it's a serious one. How are you? Anything going on in your personal life that might be affecting your professional one?"
Ah, so Javi had gone to her. "Listen if this about me and Castle, you need to know—"
"It is, but not entirely."
"Okay?" Kevin asked, letting his question hang. He then turned his head to look at Walsh, who just stared back at him, giving nothing for Kevin to read off of.
"I just need to know if you're taking your job seriously."
"I am. I may have some personal stuff going on, but I'm still doing my work."
"I know you are."
"Okay, so why are you asking me about it then?"
"I want to know where your head is," Beckett leaned back in her chair folding her arms. "I need to know if you're happy here."
"I am. Like I said, with Castle, we're going through some stuff."
"So I've heard." She motioned to the walls. "They're pretty thin."
Kevin sighed. "Things with her and I are not like they used to be… but that's all. I'm perfectly happy here. There's no place I would rather be."
"Are you sure about that?" she questioned, as if she knew something that he didn't. "Ryan, you've always proved yourself to me. I have no doubt that you are as capable as I know you are. You've proved that time and time again." Kevin nodded. She wasn't lying. He wasn't the best, but he definitely was one of them.
"I second that," Walsh added, finally speaking. His voice matched his stoic face perfectly. "I think you've done amazing since your transfer to Narcotics. You're one of the most valuable members of our team." He sat down in the chair next to the one that Kevin's hands were on. "And Captain Beckett has informed me about how useful you've been to her and her detectives."
It all sounded good, but Kevin was starting to get the feeling that something wasn't going right, like he was about to get bad news.
"With that all being true, I think that taking a step away from what's bothering you might be good for you and everyone else here," Beckett said, in a calm, smooth voice.
It didn't sound like she was letting him go, but he couldn't help ask, "Taking a step away?"
"I might have an offer for you, if you're up for taking it," Walsh cut in, looking up at Kevin.
"What kind of offer?"
He leaned forward and grabbed the manilla folder from Beckett before opening it. "You don't have to accept anything at this time, but like I said, there's an offer for you."
Kevin suddenly didn't feel like standing anymore, so he sat down, moving the chair closer to the desk. He looked at Beckett and Walsh, waiting for one of them to continue. He was a little anxious, but intrigued nonetheless.
"You've done undercover work before," Walsh started, staring down at the folder, not allowing him to see anything. "How did you enjoy that?"
Kevin paused for a second. Was he offering him an undercover gig? He blinked a few times, trying to gather the right words. "It was interesting. I learned a lot."
"So you enjoyed it?" Kevin nodded a few times. "Ever thought about doing it again?"
Kevin hadn't thought about it, not really. He kind of assumed those days were behind him.
"I guess that would depend. What kind of case are we talking here?"
"Nothing you haven't done before. Well, not entirely."
"That's vague."
"I'm not at liberty to discuss too much with you. But I can say that with Antoine Park in a body bag, we're looking to fill the gaps he left behind. You were mentioned by name, and I was advised to see if you were interested," Walsh said, not looking at Kevin, keeping his eyes on the folder instead.
"Advised by who?"
"The FBI."
Kevin blinked. "Wow."
"They want to set up at time to come and speak with you, if you're serious about wanting the job. Obviously you would be well compensated for the interruption this would bring to your life."
Kevin nodded. "How long does this offer stand?"
"Friday."
Four days. He had four days to make a decision. He sat in the chair, trying to decide if he was dreaming. He'd had dreams like this before. Well not entirely like this. He used to have dreams back in his homicide days that he would be in Beckett's office getting a raise or a promotion.
Hell, he even had dreamt a few times about Beckett on her desk wearing nothing, but her badge, which was on a chain around her neck. This didn't feel like one of those dreams though. He hoped not, because why else would Walsh be there?
Kevin shook his head before any more disturbing thoughts popped into his head.
"You can take your time, really think about what it is that you want to do and you can let me know."
Kevin nodded, dumbly. "Yeah, alright. I can do that." he cleared his throat and smiled at Walsh and then at Beckett. "Will that be all?"
"Yes," Walsh said, standing up and taking the folder with him. Kevin was intrigued as hell as to what the folder contained.
Kevin raised from the seat and Beckett said his name, making him stop. Was this about to turn into a sexy Beckett dream? Walsh was leaving.
"I'm not unsympathetic to whatever is going on with you and Castle, but you need to get your emotions under control, okay?"
Kevin closed his eyes. "Yeah, I know." He didn't know how possible that would be, but he had other things to focus on now. "No problem, Captain."
He exited the office and looked around. Javi and Alexis were not in sight, so that made it easier for him to sit as his temporary desk and think.
Walsh walked over to him and put his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Think about this, Ryan. Don't jump into anything you can't handle. You don't have anything to prove to anyone."
The words were meant to be nice, but Kevin couldn't take them too seriously, since they were being recited by a very human-like android.
"Will do, Boss."
Walsh patted Kevin's shoulder again before leaving Kevin to sit alone with his thoughts.
Kevin didn't know exactly what to think. Was he interested? Yes. Did he like the idea of being away for a while? Yes. Was the prospect of more money motivating? Fuck yes. Was he ready to take on something so important and serious, that would require a lot of focus? He didn't have an answer to that. He'd gone undercover before. He knew how hard it was to put his civilian life on hold, cut ties with friends and family, and focus entirely on becoming whoever he needed to be to finish the job.
There was a good reason to say no, to turn down the very tempting offer, but he couldn't exactly see himself doing that.
Maybe it would be able to help him. It would give him something else to focus on and not seeing Alexis so often wouldn't hurt any. He could get away and let all of his frustration move to the back of his head where it belonged.
Had Javi been right? Maybe Kevin spent too much time focusing on his failed relationship with Alexis, when he should have just been trying to move on. Kevin wanted to move on to a certain degree. He knew that he would have to eventually, but when he was around Alexis his brain didn't work that way.
He only saw what he wanted to see around her, which was Alexis with a another guy. It was like a recording and it set him off every time.
Then again, he could try not to let it affect him. Maybe the image in his head was better than what had actually happened. Maybe the sex had been bad, mediocre at best. He definitely wasn't as good as Kevin and that was just a fact. Alexis had certainly been eager in the training room several days earlier. And she hadn't been talking about anyone else.
Kevin could punch himself in the face for being so damn smug, but instead, he just left his desk to get a cup of coffee. He had a lot of thinking to do and he'd need to stay fresh to make the best decision or the worst. That had yet to be decided.
The next two days had passed in much the same manner as every other day since his world had fallen out from under him and Kevin found himself in the break room, watching Alexis and Javier at the murder board. She was laughing at something Javi had just said, and it had been so long since Kevin had heard that sound that it sent his heart racing. He was torn between running over to them and saying something, anything, to get that smile off her face, or rushing over to them and kissing her senseless. And then still probably say something awful.
He was a dick. He was starting to see it. Just how much he allowed himself to constantly try and think of ways to make Alexis' day just a little more difficult.
Clearly he had better things to do with his time, so why did he feel that pull towards her?
He grabbed his phone and found Walsh's number within seconds.
It was time for something new. Kevin was going to get some resemblance of control back into his life, even if it was the last thing he did.
He'd been there before. He'd been at a place where he had to give up who he was. He could do it again. It would be hard, but he could do it. He was ready for the challenge and he knew that if anything could help him, it would be pretending to be someone else.
Now seemed as good a time as any.
After the third ring, Walsh answered, his usual hard, unimpressed voice.
"I thought it over," Kevin said without preamble. "I'm ready. I'll meet with the Feds."
"You're sure?"
"Yes. One hundred percent. What's next?"
Author's Note: A little late, but better than never. :) A million thanks to Mangogirl for her kind words on this and other stories. Some encouraging words go a long way. Thanks for reading!