Chapter Eighteen

Don't do it.

'Why shouldn't I?'

Do you really think this is best thing you could be doing with your time? Have you forgotten about the case?

Kevin rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to let one phone call ruin his case. He wasn't that stupid and Fenton knew that. 'I'm well aware of the case.'

Kevin had been debating with his inner criminal for quite some time about whether or not he should call Alexis. He had no idea how she would react to hearing from him, but he didn't really care. He needed to talk to her. She needed to know how he really felt about how things ended between them.

If she was going to the club because he made her feel bad about herself, then he needed to fix it. She deserved better than this. She could have her choice of any guy she wanted, so why was she coming to the club to be someone's sub? That didn't sound like her. Not the woman he remembered.

Maybe she wasn't the same person, though. Maybe she had changed since they broke up. Just thinking that he could have anything to do with her going to the club in the first place was putting him on edge. It made him sick to think he could have affected her in such a negative way.

He'd talked himself into calling her because it was the right thing to do. He loved her. He wasn't going to tell her that, though. He needed to fess up to his role in the demise of their relationship. She needed to hear him say just how badly he had screwed everything up. He needed her to know just how horrible he felt for ever letting Jenny back into his life. Alexis needed to know that Kevin was to blame for everything.

Just as he was about to call her, Fenton decided that needed to voice his opinion, which of course, was the opposite of Kevin's.

Then why waste your time with her?

'You don't seem to mind spending your time with her.'

It's my job to spend time with her, not yours.

'That's not up to you to decide. This is my life.'

Are you sure? Because here lately you haven't been doing much. It's been me doing everything for you. It was like Fenton was teasing him, taunting him.

'That can be changed.'

We both know that's a lie. I'm here for a reason. Goody-two-shoes can't do what I do. Without me, Alexis would have gotten herself seriously hurt by those one or more of those dead-brained doms. I was there to stop it, because you needed me to. You couldn't do that. The things I do with Alexis are outside of your caliber.

''Fuck off.'

If you call her, it's just going to freak her out. She's going to be a nervous wreck. You know how guilty she feels already.

'And that's the problem. If I can talk to her and reassure her that she has nothing to feel guilty about, then how can that be a bad thing?'

You do know that if she ever figures all of this out, that you are just going to be digging yourself a bigger hole by trying to get all buddy-buddy with her?

'I just want to make her feel better about herself.'

She doesn't need you for that, Kev. She has me.

'Yeah, I'm sure your sessions are doing wonders for her self esteem.'

They are. You see how she is now when she's with me. She's much more confident than she was in the beginning.

'That doesn't matter. She thinks I hate her, and I need her to know that she's wrong.'

So what? You're going to call her and tell her that you're still in love with her and want her back? Have a relationship with her, so that she has to stop coming to the club?

'She shouldn't be at that club. Maybe it's time for her to stop. Time for us to stop all of this. Like you said, if she ever finds out, she's going to hate me. This needs to be over.'

You know that's not going to happen. She comes there for a reason. One phone call from you isn't going to change her mind on coming back to the club.

'Maybe it will. Maybe she's going there because of our relationship and how it ended. Maybe she hates herself and this is her way of punishing herself.'

Why would you assume that it has to do with you?

'Because the Alexis I knew wouldn't be in a club like that, not without a reason.'

You calling her is just going to mess with her head. She doesn't need that stress right now.

'I'm calling her and you can't stop me.'

Alright go ahead. Call her. Add more fuel to that fire and if she ever finds out who Fenton O'Connell really is, this is going to blow up in your face. Alexis will hate you the same way that she thinks you hate her. She'll never forgive you.

"That's going to happen regardless. I need to tell her that she's not to blame, that I was the one who fucked everything up.'

You sure did, didn't you, pal?

Ignoring the voice in his head, Kevin scrolled through his phone, finding Alexis' number. It was a different one than she had before. He wasn't sure what to tell her if she asked him where he got it from. She had given it to Fenton, not him. He supposed he would just have to come up with the most plausible answer. He pleaded with Javi until he gave it to him. He just hoped that lie wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass later.

Grabbing his other phone, his personal one, not the one he used for his cover, he dialed the number and then took a deep breath as he placed it to his ear. It rang five times before it went to her voicemail. Kevin didn't know whether or not if he should have been relieved or upset.

He wanted to talk to her, but he wasn't sure that she would want to talk to him. What if he said something that made her uncomfortable? What if he put his foot in his mouth and made things worse?

Be happy she didn't answer and move on. You dodged a bullet, don't press your luck.

'Maybe you're right.'

Of course I am.

His phone rang. He looked at the number, the number he had just called. His heart was pounding and his hands were a little clammy. He didn't know what to do and apparently Fenton didn't either, because he wasn't saying a thing.

After three rings, he sucked in a deep breath and accepted the call.

"Hello?" His voice, the one he usually used as Fenton was gone, but even his normal voice wasn't there. Instead it was replaced with a much higher register.

How was he going to talk to her?

By the time she heard her phone ringing, Alexis didn't have a prayer at getting to it before it went to voicemail. She'd just gotten out of a warm, relaxing bath. A luxury that she hadn't let herself indulge in for such a long time. She was stressed with both work life and her personal life. As of late, her personal and work lives had collided.

A bath was just what she needed to escape for a little while. She dressed in her comfiest pair of pajamas, wanting nothing more than to just be able to relax for the rest of the night. She let her hair stay down, allowing it to dry naturally. Her plan was Netflix and wine.

She grabbed her phone, checking to make sure that she hadn't missed an important call.

The number wasn't familiar and usually Alexis ignored unknown calls, but for some reason she called the number back. It was probably just a wrong number, but she wanted to be sure of it.

"Hello?" A nervous voice came over the line.

"Hey. I just got a phone call from this number, so I called back?" She waited as the person on the other line remained silent. "Um, are you still there?"

"Yeah." The speaker cleared their throat. "I'm here." Alexis swore the voice sounded strangely familiar, but she didn't say anything, deciding that they needed to explain themselves. "It's me, Alexis. It's Kevin."

Alexis swallowed harshly, but then shook her head. "Excuse me, who is this?" Clearly she had heard wrong.

"It's Kevin. I hope you don't mind me calling. I got your number from Javi."

She dropped her hand, her phone now to her side. She could not believing what was happening. Was it really happening or was it a dream? She chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes closed, trying to even her breathing.

Faintly she heard the voice over the phone calling out her name. Slowly she raised her hand, holding the phone to her ear. "Alexis! Are you still there?" She didn't know how to respond. She wasn't sure that she even wanted to say anything. "Um, I'm sorry for calling. Clearly this was a mistake. I'm sorry. I won't call back."

A jolt of energy hit her and suddenly she had found her voice. "No! Wait, I'm here." He didn't say anything, but she knew that was just because he was letting her process it all, but there would never be enough time for her to process why he was calling her. "You called." she said, letting her voice show her surprise.

"I did and you didn't answer."

"I was busy and couldn't get to the phone fast enough."

"Are you mad that I got your number?"

She shrugged, aware that he couldn't see her, but how was she supposed to answer that? "I guess that depends on why you're calling. Is it for a good reason or not?"

"I wouldn't call you out of nowhere unless I really needed to talk to you."

His answer didn't make Alexis feel any more comfortable or at ease with the situation. She chewed on her bottom lip, considering just hanging up. What would he have to say to her? Would any of it matter? He'd been so quiet and then for him to just to call her out of nowhere didn't sit right with her. All that being said, she couldn't actually bring herself to end the call. "Well, I'm here, so what's going on?"

She heard Kevin take a deep breath and she decided to follow suit. Her head was spinning trying to keep up with it all.

"Well, um, a lot of stuff has been going on lately and I guess it's all made me think about you, or more accurately, us."

"There's no us, Kevin. Not anymore."

"Yeah and that's why I'm calling. I've tried to hide from the truth so many times, because it was easier to just place blame and pull away. It was easier to move on if I felt like I had to, that I had no choice because I was the one who got the short end of the stick."

"Kevin—"

"I screwed up, Alexis. I was the one who ruined it all. I understand that now."

"Where is this even coming from?" It was one thing own up to his faults, but doing so at such a random time was baffling to Alexis. If anything, shouldn't she have been trying to apologize to him? Didn't he hate her?

"My life is really complicated right now and I wish I could go into detail, but I can't," he answered. "It's just really confusing right now. I'm so upset with myself, and I think that's mostly because of what I put you through—"

"What you put me through? Kevin, I was the one who cheated. Why are you saying it's your fault?"

"Because it was my fault. I pushed you away Alexis. I let Jenny back into my life. I let her control me, just like I used to do when I was with her. I lied to you about seeing her. I wasn't attentive enough to you. I drove you to do it and then when you actually did it, I tried to play the victim card."

"That's because—"

"No, I wasn't a victim, Alexis. You were. You were there trying to make our relationship last and I was off with a she-demon from my past, allowing her to take precedence over you and that never should have happened."

"No, it shouldn't have, but I shouldn't have cheated either, Kevin. I should have talked to you, made you listen to me. I never should have done that. I regret it more and more everyday and no matter how you try to twist it, I will never forgive myself for doing that to you."

"Well, I forgive you."

Alexis stopped, taking a moment to let that sink in. Was he really forgiving her. How was he able to do that? "Are you insane? Drunk, maybe?"

'No, I'm neither, but I do forgive you. I forgive you for all of it. I spent so much time being mad at you and I wish I could take every second of it back. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things differently."

Alexis played with belt of her robe. Kevin Ryan seemed like a changed man.

"Alexis, I just need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I let my past destroy what could have been our future. I'm sorry for it all."

She bit her lip, not really sure what she could say. "I wish I could have done things differently, too."

"I'm not mad you, you know? I never hated you, not really. I could never hate you."

"Really?"

"Yes. I swear it. I don't hate you."

Alexis left the breath she had been holding and felt her eyes begin to sting. "I'm sorry, Kevin. I really am."

"All is forgiven. I swear it."

Despite herself Alexis smiled. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel. She didn't know if she should have felt happy, confused, or even suspicious, but she didn't feel any of those things. More than anything she just felt relieved. Kevin had called her, owned up to his mistakes, tried to take the blame off of her and even forgave her for doing one of the worst things that she had ever done.

Kevin Ryan was still a mystery to her.

"I wish I could say the same, but there's still one thing I haven't forgiven you for, Kevin Ryan."

"What's that?"

"What in the hell were thinking when you decided to move to Boston and not tell me?"

Kevin was almost floating on cloud nine. He'd done it. He had called her and somehow he hadn't screwed it all up like Fenton guessed he would have. He and Alexis probably weren't going to be friends, but they were actually talking, talking about everything they hadn't been able to and damn, if it didn't feel good.

Kevin tried to restrain his smile as he listened to Alexis' teasing tone.

"I'm sorry about that. I really am, but I had to leave. It wasn't just the job, it was because of us. I felt so horrible that I thought getting as far away from you as possible would be for the best."

"Has it been?"

He thought of the year spent away from his friends and family, gaining the trust of some of the most evil men he'd ever had the displeasure of meeting. "Um... it's been a bit of a mixed bag."

"I know how that goes. So, really, how's Boston? Any neat cases?"

"It's amazing, but I like home better. I'm actually working on a pretty interesting case right now, but I can't go into detail about it or anything. What about you? Anything interesting? How's it working with Javi?"

"Javi is as patient with me as always. He's a great partner. Things have been crazy around the precinct, and I'm working a pretty interesting case myself."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

"Any details that you can share?"

"Nah, not really. All I can really say is that it has been taking up most of my time. It's been a wild and crazy challenge so far."

"Crazy how?"

"It's something new for me. Never thought I'd be going undercover."

"Undercover, really?" Kevin asked, smiling a bit to himself. He couldn't picture Alexis trying to be anyone else but herself. Fenton chose that moment to pipe up.

When she's with me, she's like a new person compared to how she was with you.

'Oh, shut up.'

"Yeah, it's really crazy," Alexis continued. "But I guess it's one of those things that I have to do at some point. You've done undercover work as well, right?"

Kevin froze up a bit. "Yeah, I have. I understand what you mean by it being crazy. It's dangerous, too. I hope you're being careful about it."

"I am. It's just taking up more time than I'm used to."

Taking up her time. How does she have the time to go to work, deal with this case, and come to the club?

Realization dawned, and he gasped audibly. Holy shit.

"What's going on?"

"Uh, nothing." Kevin knew that his voice was giving away that not everything was okay. "I'm just glad that you're being safe."

"I always try to be."

'Her undercover work is the club,' he thought, his brain struggling to process this new information.

Well, that explains why she's been there. It really wasn't because of you, well, not really.

Kevin wasn't sure what to say. What could he say? Where did her extra-curricular activities with Fenton fit in? What case would she be working there and what were the odds that they would be working a case at the same place? His head was spinning with all the confusion.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah, I am. Just thinking."

"Well as strange as it sounds, I'm glad that you called. It was good to hear from you. I hope you're enjoying your new job and Boston."

Kevin nodded even though he knew she couldn't see him. "Yeah, I am enjoying it. I hope that you continue to be safe with your case."

"I will. I've got someone watching my back for me, so I feel safe."

"Javi?" he guessed, trying to act as if he was clueless about it all.

"No, just a friend."

Is that what I am to her, a friend?

'Is that a bad thing?'

No, I just don't think I've been anyone's friend before.

'First time for everything.'

"Will you stay in contact?" Alexis asked. She sounded a bit nervous, like she wasn't sure if she should be asking him for anything. "Send me a text every once in awhile?"

"Yeah, I can do that. It was good talking to you, Alexis."

"Goodnight, Kevin."

"Goodnight."

As soon as Kevin hung up, he threw his phone on the bed. He was iffy about calling Alexis and now he was damn glad that he called her.

She's working a case.

'Yes and I really want to know what it is.'

Why?

'So I can help her. The faster she gets her case closed, the faster she can get the hell out of the club.'

Or maybe she won't.

'Thanks for the optimistic words.'

Just sayin.

Kevin nodded, hoping to God that Fenton was wrong. He also was hoping that he could help Alexis. It had been one thing when he'd thought it was just a coincidence that had her frequenting the club in which he was undercover. The club in which the list of good men paled in comparison to the number of monsters lurking on every floor. When he'd thought that he was doing her the favor of helping her find what she was looking for—submission—and keeping her away from all the psychopaths that were out for her blood.

But this... this was completely different. This changed everything. Kevin didn't like this situation one bit, and since he'd gotten himself tangled up in it, tangled up in Alexis and his feelings for her, he needed to fix it.