Chapter Twenty Three

It was time to come clean. It had been a long time coming, and somewhere in the back of Alexis' mind she knew that she wouldn't be able to keep it secret for long. Now that the time had arrived, she was nervous. It wasn't like she was coming clean to new partner that she'd only known for months. No, this was Javi.

Javi was a great partner. he was loyal, kind, brave, and protective. He was the ideal partner and Alexis considered herself lucky to work next to him. She wasn't naive though. She knew that Javi would be upset that she had been keeping him out of the loop for so long and she knew that she would be upset if he were to do the same to her.

The whole ordeal barely made sense in her own head, so how was she supposed to explain it to somebody else? Javi was an understanding guy, but she felt as if she were about to push the boundaries of what Javi was willing to accept.

Alexis sat at her desk with a pit growing in her stomach. She was a grown woman who was able to to make her own decisions, but she respected Javi and didn't want him seeing her as someone less than who he he'd thought she was. In some twisted way, it was like cheating on Kevin all over again.

She just hoped that she hadn't broken their trust by keeping him out of the loop for so long. Maybe she could make him a cup of coffee, as if that gesture would mean anything.

When Javi walked off of the elevator and through the bullpen, Alexis wanted to stand up and greet him with the coffee, but she couldn't. The pit in her stomach had been filled with a weight twice her size. She couldn't move.

"Hey, Castle. Did you get a good night's sleep?" he asked as he approached his desk with a coffee already in his hand. So much for Alexis trying to sweeten him up.

"Not so much. You?"

"Decent. You don't look so good. Anything I should be concerned about?"

Alexis took a deep breath. "Actually, there is."

Javi's interest was notably piqued. "What is it?"

"Can we talk in the break room? I wouldn't want anyone to overhear."

"Sure."

Using all the strength she could summon, she stood up and quickly made her way toward the break room. Her heart was racing, and she could feel her hands starting to sweat.

It was ridiculous, of course. She knew Javi. She knew that once the whole thing was explained that he would eventually understand that she was only doing what she needed to solve the case. She had heard stories from Kevin about the things he and Javi would do in order to get to the bottom of a case.

She was doing this for Amelia. He'd understand.

She glanced around the room, making sure it was clear before closing the door behind them.

"I know that you have noticed a change in me," she began, forcing herself to turn around and face the detective standing in front of her.

"Yes, I have."

"I wasn't being honest with you all those times I told you I was okay."

He frowned. "Why'd you lie?"

"It was complicated, but I'm ready to tell you what it was all about."

"I'm all ears." He looked her up and down. "Does this have something to do with Kevin?"

She blinked, surprised at how well he'd been able to fit the pieces together. "In part, yes, but that's not the whole picture."

Javi leaned against the counter right next to the coffeemaker. "Well then paint it for me."

Alexis almost wanted to smile. She appreciated that Javi wasn't getting mad that she lied, that he was willing to listen to her.

"I'll try and make this as quick as possible, because it's important that you know. So, it started with the Amelia Parry case." Javi nodded, so she continued. "I felt like we weren't making enough progress, so I decided to do something about that and ultimately that's where I began to lie to you and some other people as well."

"Meaning?"

"Only one person knows about what I've really been doing. Not even Captain Beckett knows, but I'll deal with telling her after we talk." Alexis felt a switch flip and suddenly she not only wanted to tell Javi the whole truth, but she needed to. "I've been going to the club. Umbra. I figured that if I wanted real answers that I couldn't do that as a detective."

She watched Javi's head tilt from one side to the other. He opened his mouth and shook his head, but he didn't speak a word.

She took a deep breath. "I thought that it would be best if I went into to the club as myself."

"What?"

"I tried to put myself in Amelia's shoes. I figured that it would be the best way to find the killer."

"How? By potentially getting yourself killed?" Javi almost had the look of a disappointed father. Alexis couldn't bear to look at him. "How many times did you go to the club?"

"More than a few."

"Alexis," Javi said, in a serious voice. "How many times?"

"I couldn't give you an exact number."

"Why?"

"Because I went there too many times to count."

He shook his head and let out a long sigh. "So what happened?"

"I found a dom."

"A what?" Alexis knew that it was a rhetorical question, but she needed to explain to him. The sooner she told him the whole ugly truth the better.

"I found a dom, and I was hoping that I could get information from him. Maybe he might have seen something or heard something that could help me close in on a suspect."

"You're not telling me what I think you are, are you?" Alexis didn't say anything. "I doubt some dom would just let you ask questions without you giving him something in return."

"It's not what you think, Javi." Alexis walked closer, trying her best to keep the conversation under control. "I met a dom. His name was Fenton O'Connell."

Emotion flashed across her partner's face, ranging from shock to confusion to anger. Finally, he pursed his lips as his expression turned to stone.

"You know him," Alexis said, shock twisting the weight in her stomach. "You knew, didn't you? You knew this whole time?"

"It wasn't my secret to tell." He sighed. "And I never imagined you'd end up meeting Fenton."

"Because Kevin took the job to get away from me?" She couldn't quite hold back the bitterness lacing her words.

Javi neither confirmed nor denied her statement. "When did you find out he was Kevin?""

"Far too late in the game, if you ask me. He thinks that he was keeping me safe by pretending."

Javi shook his head. "Only he would see that as protection."

"He did protect me when I needed it and once he was on my radar I suspected him, but we both know that he wasn't the guy I was looking for."

"What happened with you two?"

"A lot. Fenton convinced me that he could be my dom, so I agreed thinking that if I could get close, I could get information. As time went on other suspects popped up."

"Was he always your dom, even when you knew he wasn't a suspect?"

Alexis put her head down, starting to feel just some of the shame she knew Javi would bring out in her. It wasn't his fault though. She'd done this to herself.

"Yes."

Javi let out a sarcastic chuckle. "Wow." Alexis bit her lip and looked down. She knew that this was coming. "I can't believe you didn't tell me. You understand what kind of position you put yourself in. If this had been any other guy, you could have easily been the next victim."

"I know."

"And what, you didn't care?"

"I just wanted to get justice for Amelia."

"And having sex with Kevin was going to make that happen?"

"We didn't—" she stopped herself and took a breath. "I needed more information."

"So the ends justify the means is what you're saying?"

"I didn't know what else to do."

"That would have been the perfect time for you to come and talk with me. I'm your partner, Alexis. Does that mean anything?"

"Of course it does."

"You'll forgive me if I don't believe that given what I've just found out."

Alexis couldn't say anything. She felt gross now that Javi knew. It was like a giant spotlight was shining down on her. She couldn't take the heat of it. Alexis didn't have anything to add to that, so she went ahead. "Anyway, I made some mistakes. and now I think I might be in trouble."

Javi closed his eyes, clearly upset. Alexis watched as he grew more and more tense. "What kind of trouble?"

"Andres Moreno. I interrogated him and then he saw me with Fenton and I'm pretty sure that he made me. And I think he killed Amelia."

Javi blinked a few times. "How are you so confident?"

Alexis crossed her arms, trying to stand a little taller under Javi's scrutiny. "I was looking through Amelia's personal information, I found a journal and she wrote that at the club her dom has a tattoo. And so does Moreno."

"Lots of people have tattoos, Alexis."

"Lots of people don't operate in the criminal underworld and have a history of killing their wives."

"Jesus Christ, Alexis. I wish that you would have included me on this before all the shit hit the fan."

"Me too. I know that what I did was stupid and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, but… I can't be sorry for going to the club in the first place, because I found him, Javi. I found the guy who killed Amelia."

"You don't know that!" he snapped. "Not for sure."

"I know it in my gut, and I know we can get the evidence to nail him."

"We?" he barked a laugh. "Now that you've landed yourself in trouble, it's 'we'?"

"If anyone can help me, it's you. It trust you with my life, Javi," she pleaded, meaning every words as it crossed her lips. "Plus, it's worth it, right? If we catch him?"

"No, it's not worth it. None of this is worth you ending up on a murder's hit list. Please tell me you understand that."

Alexis bit her bottom lip and nodded. She didn't like feeling vulnerable and she didn't want Javi thinking that after all she went through that she was weak, but Alexis couldn't lie to herself. She was more afraid of what Moreno would do that she was willing to admit.

"What now, Javi? Do you go in and tell Beckett?"

Javi paced for a while, clearly trying to think of the best option moving forward. Alexis watched and felt herself begin to tremble. What if this whole thing, going to the club, meeting Fenton, finding Moreno meant that she would lose her job?

Javi stopped and made sure that nobody was around to hear his next words.

"We don't tell Beckett."

"What?" Alexis said, shaking her head. "Why not?"

"We need to tread carefully. I'm thankful that you told me about this, even if you did it later than I would have liked, but we have lay low about this."

"Lay low?"

"Yes. You need to stay away from the club. You can't be seen there if Moreno's on to you."

"But wouldn't he find that strange if I didn't appear there? What if that just solidifies his suspicions?"

"Kevin will still be there. Maybe he can steer Moreno's attention away from you."

"What if Kevin needs help?"

Javi looked out the windows, staring into the bullpen. Just looking at him made Alexis feel crappy. He was helping her and she hadn't done anything to deserve it.

"Stay in contact with him, but only through phone calls, okay?"

"Javi, I'm not sure if me stepping away is for the best, not when we're so close."

"Now is the best time. You're too invested in this and that could lead to you making a misstep."

Alexis sighed. "Javi—"

"If you don't steer clear of the club and I find out about it, I'll go to Beckett and tell her everything. If it meant keeping you out of harm's way, I wouldn't hesitate," Javi said, pointing his finger at her. Alexis wanted to say something, but Javi didn't look like he was done with her yet. "And you can get upset about this all you want, but I know that if the tables were turned, you would be doing the exact same thing to me. I'm your partner, Alexis. I have your back. Trust me."

Alexis swallowed and took a deep breath. Arguing with him now would just be a losing battle. If Beckett found out about, Alexis lose everything.

"Are you sure?" Alexis asked.

"Yes."

"You'd lie to Beckett?"

"You've been doing with no problem, so I don't think you get to judge me."

Alexis blinked, almost taken aback at Javi's dig, but she couldn't deny that it was valid. She nodded. "If you think it's for the best, I'm on board."

Javi sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I have to get back out there, but we'll discuss this further at a different time, yeah?"

Alexis nodded, before following Javi out of the break room. All things considered, their talk went as good as it could have.

Javi stopped a few feet ahead of her and then turned around. "I've got your back, but I want you to know that it's going to take some time for me to believe that you have mine."

"I understand." .

She didn't deserve him as a partner, but she was more than thankful that he was there when she needed him.

After coming clean to Javier, Alexis' days fell into a new, quiet routine. She kept her work inside the bounds of the precinct, only venturing out to investigate when Javier was with her. For the first week or so, he walked her to her car every night, or made she she got into her apartment safely at night, reminding her to never go anywhere alone. He was definitely a better partner than she deserved.

And either because Javier's borderline paranoid tactics worked, or because Moreno actually wasn't interested in her, things stayed quiet. She hadn't heard a peep from Kevin since he'd left her apartment after she'd come clean with him, too, though she still got audio recordings from the microphone she'd planted. She was surprised he hadn't removed it after how upset he'd gotten after learning that she'd interfered with his case.

It had gutted her to watch him leave her apartment, to hear him tell her that he couldn't be her partner, that he wouldn't help her anymore. Still, she at least knew he was still alive thanks to the recordings every evening. Maybe that's why he didn't remove the bug.

Her new honesty policy and her quiet routine were working. She was safe. She was repairing her partnership with Javier. She was keeping her distance from the man who had the power to make her completely come undone. And she was bored. It wasn't until her moonlighting and lies were taken away that she'd realized how closed off her life had become to anything but work. She should probably do something about that, maybe make a few relationships outside of Javi, her dad, and her grandmother. But now wasn't the time for that. Not when she was basically on house arrest or being babysat by her overprotective partner.

There was really only one release she had anymore. One vice that she wouldn't let go of. Her morning training sessions at the precinct sparring gym. And thanks to Javi's reluctance to let her go anywhere alone, even for the slightest amount of time, he was joining her every morning. It was probably good for them both to work off steam, her at her confinement, and him at her stupid decisions, but either way, her skills and the aches in her body had grown exponentially in the couple of weeks since she'd come clean. Though he was careful to not actually hurt her, Javi wasn't pulling his punches anymore. And she didn't really blame him.

She pulled into the precinct's parking garage just after five am and turned off the car, scanning the open space in front of the stairwell for her partner. He was supposed to meet her there, just like he did every morning, but he wasn't there. She checked her phone. There were no texts from him, no voicemail messages saying that he was running late. Had he slept in?

She called his phone, listening to the dial tone for a moment before she heard that familiar ringtone echoing dimly through the garage. He was here. Probably just walking up. She got out of the car, her gym bag in tow, the phone still in her hand. "Javi?"

She followed the sound of the ringtone, hairs rising in the back of her neck as her partner remained silent. "Really funny, Espo. You can come out now."

She rounded a row of cars closest to the sound, and her heart dropped into her stomach at the sight of her partner sprawled on the concrete. "Javi?" She dropped her things and rushed over to him, horror rising at the small pool of blood around his head. "Javi!"

She saw movement out of the corner of her eye, and reacted just in time to avoid the gun pointed at her. The gunshot echoed through the parking garage, leaving a dull ring in her ears. In a heartbeat, she took in her assailant's form: clack in black from head to toe. Her attacker was probably a man judging by the size of his frame, though she couldn't be sure with the ski mask he was wearing. Her muscles ached at the quick movement, but she didn't slow as she rushed her attacker, grasping his gun and yanking it away from her body as he pulled the trigger once more. Another echoing crack, this time just to the left of her face. Her right ear screamed at her, muting everything but that one high-pitched note.

In a series of moves that would have made Javi proud, she bent her attacker's wrist, forcing him to drop the gun, then kicked it under a car a few spaces away. The breath was knocked out of her lungs as her assailant's foot made contact with her abdomen, and her grip on him loosened as she instinctively curled forward. Her eyes caught on the flash of a knife, and she ducked sideways—just a moment too slowly. The tip of the knife skipped up the side of her forearm, sinking through her skin with a surgeon's precision.

She winced, glancing down at the thin line of blood beading on her skin.

"That's just a taste," her attacker sneered, and recognition hit her like ton of bricks.

"Seth." She backed up just a bit, her movement hindered by the car parked behind her.

"I knew you weren't just another subbie slut." He rushed forward, knife first, and once again Alexis was on the defensive. She dodged the initial jab of the knife, then caught his wrist as the knife made a second attempt for her body. It turned out that Moreno's hitman wasn't a fast learner, and she disarmed him using the same technique, this time catching the knife in her own hand and holding it out in front of her. She just had to stall. The gunshots, just seconds earlier, would have alerted the unis in the building. Help was on its way.

"You do this to Amelia, too?" She asked, watching Seth's body language.

"Who?"

This time, she took the offensive, cornering him against a cement pillar with the knife tip placed against his neck. "Amelia Parry," she spat. "Moreno got sick of her and ask you to tie up loose ends. Didn't he?"

"You're a crazy bitch, you know that?"

She let the tip of the knife dig into his neck, cutting through the ski mask like butter. "You haven't even seen crazy. Yet." She pushed a little harder. "Now tell me the truth!"

"-Lexis…" Javi slurred from his place on the pavement. "Don't."

Her eyes cut to the side, searching out her partner, and that was when Seth struck. He knocked her back, sending the knife tumbling to the pavement as his hand wrapped around her throat. Alexis clawed at his hands, kicking her legs out at him. He responded by lifting her and slamming her against the cement beam so hard her vision blurred for a moment. Her legs went slack, and her fingers slipped. The world around her took on a hazy quality as she saw Javier lumber to his feet behind them.

Her partner got the man in a headlock, yanking him away from Alexis, who fell to her knees, sputtering and coughing. By the time she caught her breath, Seth was unconscious, his mask pulled off, and Javier him pinned to the concrete with his arms behind his back. The door to the stairwell burst open as unis descended on the scene.

"Guess we know you're on Moreno's list now," Javier said.

It was hours later when Alexis found herself on Fenton O'Connell's doorstep, a duffle bag in hand. It was almost two am, and she had no way of knowing if he'd be home or not. He wasn't answering her calls or texts, but she could wait. She'd brought her lock picks along, and now that Moreno seemed to be good and truly out for her blood, now that Beckett knew the truth, she had all the time in the world.

There was no hiding the truth after an attempt had been made on both her and Javier's lives. So Alexis had come clean to Beckett about all of it: her unsanctioned undercover work at the club, Moreno and Seth, and Fenton O'Connell. Beckett's response had been to suspend her from active duty and suggest that she either leave town or accept a protection detail. Alexis couldn't blame her captain for the decision, and she felt more than a little guilty about her partner getting injured because of her lies. She also didn't want to leave the 12th down a couple unis thanks to her so-called protection detail. So her response had been to leave town, or, at least, to make it look like she'd left town.

The timing of Seth's attack proved that Moreno was having her watched. Her apartment wasn't safe, her workplace wasn't safe. She couldn't bring that kind of heat into her dad or grandmother's lives. So she made it look like she was visiting the Hamptons for a few days, till Beckett could wrap up the case she'd made such a monumental mess of. And then she'd stepped away from the neat trail she'd left for Moreno and whoever else was watching her, and she returned to town, not stopping until she reached Fenton's apartment. He wasn't answering her calls or texts, and she wouldn't rest until she knew he was safe.

She knocked on the door, her body aching at the moment. When there was no response, she knocked again. This time, she heard movement behind the door, and soon it cracked open to reveal a sleep-mussed, shirtless Kevin. He looked some strange combination of himself and his cover with the very real tattoo twining over his shoulder, the facial hair and more defined muscle than she remembered Kevin having, but his eyes were that same bright blue. He'd left the glasses and the colored contacts aside.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice rough, his eyes scanning over her.

Alexis took a breath. "Can I come in?"

"No."

"We need to talk."

"You've already said—"

"Dammit, Fenton," she lowered her voice, glancing around. She unbuttoned her coat and removed her scarf to show off the purple ring around her neck. She saw his eyes widen as he took it in.

His door swung open as he stepped closer to her. "Who did this to you?"

"Who do you think?"

His shoulders slumped, and he rubbed his face, exhaling a long sigh. "Shit."

"I just want to talk," she tried again. "I'll get out of your hair once we're done, okay? You won't see me again. I promise."

His face tightened at her words, as if they pained him. Then he nodded and stepped aside so she could enter his apartment. "Let's talk."

Author's Note: Shoutout to ramennoodlebug, whose review earlier this evening made me laugh out loud. I hope you enjoyed the content and are no longer starving. :)

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