Chapter Twenty-Four

Kevin couldn't remember the last time he'd felt in control. Probably because he hadn't felt a single ounce of control since the night Alexis had walked into the club for the first time. He'd been grasping for that feeling of power and calm ever since. And now she was standing in front him, the woman who, time and time again, had been his undoing, the reason he'd accepted this assignment in the first place, the curse and blessing he could never seem to escape.

He locked the door and turned to face the redhead standing in the hallway of his apartment. He'd thought that maybe, just maybe, if he kept her at arms' length, found that distance, and let his alter ego run the show like old times, he'd be able to keep her safe and salvage this shitshow of an assignment. His eyes cut down to the burgundy stripe around her throat, and he blew out of a breath. He'd been wrong on all accounts. His alter ego had a poker face and a mean streak violent enough to keep most of the dirtbags he worked with at bay, but he wasn't heartless. Especially not where Alexis was concerned. And while Kevin Ryan fought the urge to pull the redhead into his arms, to breathe in the scent of shampoo and offer her whatever small measure of comfort that could be found, Fenton O'Connell wanted nothing more than to find Moreno and return the favor.

Once upon a time, he'd called Jenny his kryptonite. But that blonde bitch had nothing on the woman standing in front of him. When he'd failed Alexis and broken her trust in him, she'd broken his heart in return. When he tried to escape the mess he'd made, she'd dropped a bomb right in the middle of the assignment he'd been working on for the better part of a year. She'd reduced his ruthless alter ego to a purring kitten. He'd broken her trust a second time, and she'd spent weeks using him for intel. When the shit hit the fan, when she'd landed a bullseye on her own back and poisoned his assignment by association, she'd had the gall to ask him to be her partner.

And now she stood in front of him, bruised but not broken. Staring back at him with a pale face and sad, tired eyes. Risking both their lives to deliver whatever message she had to share. A Good Samaritan with a death wish, leaving a trail of chaos in her wake. Kevin knew was it was like to love and hate someone at the same time, but before now he'd never known what it was like to love someone and at the same time wish he'd never met them.

He rubbed his face. One of these days he'd love to get more than a few hours of sleep. "Moreno do that to you?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Seth."

"On Moreno's orders." It wasn't a question, and Alexis didn't justify it with a response.

"Come on," he sighed and walked into the kitchen. He pulled an old dishrag out of one of his kitchen drawers and reached into his freezer for a tray of ice cubes while Alexis sank into one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

"It happened at the precinct."

Kevin paused as he cracked a handful of ice cubes into the dishrag, his eyebrows raising at her statement. That was beyond ballsy. "When?"

"This morning." She paused. "Yesterday morning, I guess. I was meeting Esposito for one of our training sessions. He'd already gotten the drop on Javi." Her voice became rough. "But we got him. Together."

"Is Javi alright?"

"Just a bump on the head." She rested her head in her hands. "They've obviously been following me. The only time I've ever been alone in public was in the morning in the parking garage at the precinct. And Javi got caught in the crossfire. And now Beckett's put me on probation. Told me to leave town."

"I'm surprised she didn't give you a security detail."

"She offered one. But I don't want anyone else getting hurt because of me."

Except him, obviously. Kevin bit back a laugh and shook his head. He offered the rag full of ice cubes to her.

"What's so funny?" she asked, taking his offering and pressing the ice pack against her neck.

He chuckled again, and shook his head. "You. Us. This entire shitshow of a situation." Maybe the sleep deprivation was getting to him, or maybe he'd just run out of whatever sliver of patience he'd had left when he'd left her apartment the last time they'd spoken. "You don't want anyone getting hurt, yet you show up on my doorstep when think you're being followed?"

"I was attacked today, Kevin," she began.

"Well, I hate to say I told you so but—"

"What the hell is your problem?"

"What do you want from me, Alexis? Pity? You want me to feel bad for you? Poor little detective getting in over her head and pissing off the big bad drug lord?"

She blinked. "I don't want your pity. I just—"

"You just what? Want me to end up like Javi? Or worse?"

She stood up. "Why are you so angry at me?"

He laughed again, though he'd never found anything less funny. "You're really asking me that question right now? Guess you're the not the detective you thought you were, huh?"

"Screw you, Kevin." She tossed the ice pack at him and he batted it away. Ice cubes darted across the kitchen as he stepped forward, grabbing her by her forearms when she threw her hands up to stop him from coming any closer.

"No," he hissed. "Screw you. You brought this down on yourself. Hell, you brought this down on me. Do you know what it was like going to my handler and telling him that a detective from the NYPD has complicated, maybe even compromised, an investigation years in the making? Telling him that now I might even be compromised—thanks to our history. "

Her eyes widened. "You told him."

"Of course I told him. Because I actually believe in informing people when my decisions will affect them. I told him the night I walked out of your place. You know what he told me? To stay away from you and finish the job. And he and I can talk about whether or not I still have a future with the NYPD when the assignment is over. That's my happy ever after, Alexis. That's what I get for trying to help you on your stupid little after-hours job. And that's the greener side of the grass, isn't it? Because the other side ends with a bullet between my eyes." He shoved her back, and she stumbled till her back made contact with the wall. "You're so hellbent on this suicide mission of yours that you haven't taken a single second to consider who you might take down with you."

"If you have just been honest with me from the start, I wouldn't have messed up your assignment. You're not a victim here, Kevin. "

"Neither are you!" he shouted so loudly they both flinched. His let his fingers rake through his hair with a shaking hand. "You know, you never once apologized for all the shit you've done on this case. And you're not sorry, are you? Because it doesn't matter what you do or who hurts you or who gets caught in the crossfire, does it? You only care about your stupid vendetta."

"He's murdered at least two people, Kevin," she began, her voice low.

"I'm not hearing an apology, Alexis."

"I am sorry! I'm probably going to lose my job, and if I don't have that anymore . . . I am sorry, Kevin, but I have to take him down. This case . . . this is all I have left." Her eyes lifted to him, and horror struck him as he saw the certainty in her gaze.

"No, it's not—" he began.

"I know I'm putting you in more danger, but I had to make sure you were okay." She forced a smile to her lips and tried to turn away.

Kevin caught her arm. "Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean this case is all you have left?"

"I'm a detective, Kevin. And that's . . ." she blew out a breath. "That's pretty much all I've been for a while now."

"It's your job. It's not who you are."

"Yeah, it is."

"Since when?"

"Since I made the biggest mistake of my life." She cleared her throat and flashed him that pained smile. "Well, maybe the second-biggest mistake, recent events considered."

He stared at her, speechless.

"I'm gonna go now. Just . . . Be careful, Kevin." She let herself out of the apartment, allowing the door to swing shut behind her.

Kevin's mind raced with information she'd just shared. It was a puzzle too incomprehensible to parse. She didn't have anything but the case? Since when? She had a family, friends, people who loved her. Alexis had always been a bit of a workaholic, but back when they'd been together she'd been able to leave work at work. When they'd been together—

The puzzle pieces snapped together, and Kevin felt a wave of horror wash over him.

Some things can't be forgiven, you know. And some people don't deserve redemption.

I'm so sorry, Kevin. It was a mistake.

A pretty goddamn monumental mistake, don't you think?

The biggest mistake I've ever made.

We were together for over a year, and now he hates me. I did something horrible, and I can't do anything about it.

I can handle myself.

Yeah, you did a great job of it when Seth and Dom were beating the hell out of you.

It's easier to let them believe I'm vulnerable.

You are vulnerable.

I get results this way, Kevin. I get justice, and those families get closure—

And you're gonna get a bullet in your goddamn head! What the hell is wrong with you that you are willing to kill yourself for a higher case closure rate?

"Shit." He blew out a breath, squeezing his eyes shut against the terrible certainty weighing down his mind. "Shit!" Then he was in motion. "Alexis!" he called as he raced down the hallway and swung the front door open. "Alexis!"

She was gone.

Alexis made it to the parking lot before allowing herself to feel all everything she'd been pushing back in Kevin's apartment. She blinked rapidly, resting her forehead against the steering wheel as self-loathing consumed her. Tears slipped down her face while she replayed every single one of Kevin's accusations. All of his grievances against her and every decision she'd made since she'd landed the case.

And the worst part was, he was right. He was right about all of it. She'd screwed up. She'd been selfish and reckless, and everywhere she looked all she could see was the damage she'd left behind. And she had nothing to show for it. Moreno was still at-large, threatening her and the people she cared about. Amelia was still cold in her grave, and her family was still waiting for justice that Alexis couldn't seem to deliver, no matter how hard she tried.

Being a detective was the only thing she'd been able to take pride in, the only thing that helped her get out of bed in the morning and feel like worthwhile human. And now she couldn't even do that right. She sniffled and wiped her tear-stained face. She deserved to lose her job once everything was said and done.

"Don't cry, sweetheart."

Alexis' head shot up, and she saw Dominic's face grinning in her rear-view mirror. Then pain crashed across her skull, and everything went black.

Author's Note: Dun dun dun... :)