Chapter Twenty-Eight

"Morning, ladies." Kevin greeted the team at the nurses station, a drink-holder with four coffees in one hand. He gingerly set the drinks on the edge of the nurses station as the trio of women perked up at his offering.

"Is this a bribe, detective?" one of the nurses, a brunette named Keira, asked.

"More of a thanks for your service. You've been taking such good care of Alexis."

"Mmhmm," Angie, another nurse said, her eyebrows raised. She didn't touch the offering.

"Go easy, Ang," a third nurse, Tori, said as she set her chart aside to accept one of the proffered cups of coffee. "He's harmless."

"How is she doing?" Kevin asked. "Any changes?"

"You ever heard of HIPAA, detective?" Angie asked.

"Once or twice." He shrugged, looking pleadingly at the women. "Has there been any change in her status?"

Alexis had been hospitalized for nearly a week. As far as Kevin knew, she was healing, but hadn't woken up yet. Not that Kevin knew much. Since he wasn't immediate family, he'd largely been left out of the loop on Alexis' recovery. He was allowed during visiting hours, but that was pretty much the extent of his ability to be involved.

Rick wasn't exactly forthcoming with information about his daughter, and Kevin suspected it had to do with Rick's knowledge of Kevin's past with Alexis and Rick's complete ignorance about how exactly his daughter had ended up tortured and what role Kevin had played in it. Kevin didn't blame him, necessarily, but he also couldn't tolerate waiting to hear what scraps of news Javier had managed to glean from the man. Kevin wanted to help, and to do that he needed to know what they were up against.

Tori beckoned him over, then let her voice go low. "Her incisions are looking good, and she's responded well to the blood transfusions. No fever, no anemia, no complications from the surgeries."

He nodded. "Okay. That's good to hear."

"But she should have woken up by now, so we've been watching her intracranial pressure. A high ICP tells us if her brain is swelling or not." She explained when he gave her a blank look.

He pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and began to write down those new details. "Is her brain swelling?"

Tori paused for a moment before nodding.

"Jesus."

"We've been giving her medication to reduce the swelling, but she's not responding to it as well as we'd hoped. The neurologist and neurosurgeon have been talking to Mr. Castle. The swelling around her eye has gone down a bit, so now is a good time to repair her eye socket. That'd require another surgery. And repairing that could also reduce some pressure on her brain."

"Another surgery? Can she make it through another surgery?"

"There are always risks, but she's strong." Tori patted his hand. "She wouldn't have made it this far if she wasn't tough as nails. Her brain activity is still looking fairly good. And we're hoping if we can relieve some pressure on her brain, we can avoid further damage and she'll have a better chance of waking up soon."

Kevin noticed that the nurse was careful to not mention what kind of state Alexis might be in once she did wake up. He looked down at the counter for a moment before taking a deep breath and adding a few more notes to his book. "Thank you."

Tori nodded. "You're welcome. Go on in and see her. And detective?"

"Yeah?"

"I love a good piece of coffee cake in the morning." She winked at him before returning to her paperwork.

Kevin found a rare smile in himself as he walked down the unit to Alexis' room. Surprisingly, neither Rick nor Martha were present. Kevin took a seat at Alexis' bedside and gently picked up her hand, mindful of the IVs. He pressed a kiss against her knuckles. "Good morning, Princess."

She didn't respond, and he hadn't expected her to. Between the medications being pumped into her bloodstream and her head trauma, Kevin wasn't surprised that she'd been unconscious for several days. Her body had to conserve every ounce of strength to heal itself. But as four days had turned to five and now five had turned to six, he was beginning to worry more and more about what kind of person Alexis would be when she did wake up. If she woke up.

Six days of around the clock care from a team of nurses and doctors had immensely improved her appearance. Her skin no longer looked paper-white and much of the swelling in her face had gone down. The bruising would take longer to fade, but she was looking more and more like herself every day. He was glad to hear that, her brain aside, her body was was healing well and there didn't seem to be any complications.

Kevin took a long pull from his coffee cup before setting it aside and reaching for the dog-eared book on her bedside table. He opened it to the marked page and began to read out loud.

Before Alexis had been hurt, he'd never imagined himself being the kind of guy who sat in hospital rooms during every spare moment, reading to a person who might not even be able to hear him, or bribing nurses to share classified information. Of course, Kevin knew he shouldn't be surprised. Alexis had always had a knack for bringing out sides of him that he'd never even knew existed. And if Kevin was being completely honest with himself, the few peaceful moments he'd managed to scrape together since his narcotics assignment had come to a swift end were usually found at Alexis' bedside, reading another couple of chapters from a true crime book he remembered her enjoying back when they'd been dating. He'd teased her about not being able to leave work at work, and she'd told him it was fascinating to see a different approach to the investigative process. He hoped that whatever bits and pieces she could hear now were still interesting to her.

Kevin got through about nine pages before Rick walked into the room, looking just as exhausted as he had the day before. The older man looked sallow and thinning, like he wasn't coping well with his daughter hanging by a thread. And while Kevin couldn't imagine what coping well with recent events would even look like, he also couldn't forget the way Alexis described her father's tendency to fall into old habits when things got hard. Nothing was harder than watching your child fight for her life.

Kevin paused his reading. "Morning."

Rick nodded to him, settling in a chair on the opposite side of the bed, his own thermos of coffee clutched in a white-knuckle grip. He glanced at the cover of the book Kevin was reading. "I can't decide if it's nice or creepy that you're reading those kinds of things to her, considering what happened."

"She enjoys this kind of stuff. Or at least, she used to." Kevin shrugged. "Helps me feel useful."

Rick nodded again, glancing down at his daughter. He seemed keyed up and on the verge of breaking at the same time. "She's going into surgery this afternoon. They're going to repair her eye socket."

Kevin nodded as if this was news to him. "Is that safe?"

"It's safer than putting it off. The doctors are worried about her brain. Fixing this might help. I . . . I'm worried, too. I don't know anything about this stuff. I don't know what's the right or wrong thing to do here."

"She's lucky to have you and Martha looking out for her," Kevin said, and he meant it. He knew Alexis' history with her loved ones, and he was glad that they were stepping up to support her.

Rick scoffed, then shook his head. "If I was really looking out for her, she might not have ended up here." He rubbed his face and sighed. "Kevin, I'm meeting with Captain Beckett, Detective Esposito, and Captain Morgan this afternoon," he finally said. "To go over everything they know about Alexis' involvement with this Moreno guy. I guess the precinct's worried about me lawyering up." He smirked, but there was nothing resembling joy or triumph in his expression.

Kevin blinked in surprise. He hadn't known about that meeting, hadn't been invited. He did his best to keep his poker face intact. Things at his job were up in the air. His handler had debriefed him on the assignment, including his involvement with Alexis while on the case, and then had told him to take a break while the rest of the team finished up the investigation. "Your work here is done," his handler had told him. "We'll let you know if we need further information or if you'll need to testify." And then Kevin had gone home. That had been three days ago.

"Before I meet with them," Rick continued, "is there anything you want to tell me?"

Kevin considered Rick's question. It was a classy move, letting him offer up his own confession before getting the details from other people. And it was a confession that Kevin had been avoiding with Alexis' father from the moment they'd met again in the emergency room waiting area. There was no good way for Kevin to describe Alexis' carelessness or his own lies. But this wasn't just any civilian with a connection to a vic. Rick was the father of the woman Kevin loved. And if there was even a snowball's chance in Hell of getting another shot with Alexis when everything was said and done, he would want Rick's support. Kevin knew he needed to stop hiding. It was time to tell the truth, or at least as much of the truth as was his to tell. Kevin dogeared the book, then set it back on the bedside table. "What questions do you have for me?"

It took the better part of an hour, but Kevin walked Rick through a general overview of the assignment he'd been on and where Alexis had begun to complicate things. He described the makeshift murder board in her apartment and her after-hours police work searching for the murderer of Amelia Parry. He explained how he'd tried to stay away from her but after Seth had made her a target, he couldn't leave her to her own devices. He admitted the weeks he'd spent lying to Alexis about his identity, though he skipped over the details of Alexis subbing for him.

Maybe that was cowardice on his part, but Kevin felt that was Alexis' decision to share those intimate details with her father or not.

He explained how things had come to a head when Moreno had connected the dots between the homicide detective and the redhead who had been frequenting the club. And he admitted that when Alexis had come to his apartment to warn him, when she'd clearly been frightened and in need of protection, he'd chosen to finish his assignment rather than try to keep her safe. The hardest part was describing what had happened when he and Javier had found Alexis. Kevin wasn't sure she'd want her father to know the full extent of what Moreno had done to her and what he'd tried to do. So he'd kept those particular details out as well. "I told myself I was trying to keep her safe," Kevin concluded, "and while that was true, I realize now that the best thing I could have done was keep her away. But instead I let her get close to me and my assignment and now she's paying the price."

He'd expected Rick to rage at him, to kick him out of the hospital room and ban Kevin from visiting his daughter again. Instead, he'd quietly absorbed all of the details. He looked at his unconscious daughter then back at Kevin. "Castles don't have the best track record for staying away from dangerous situations. I appreciate your honesty, Kevin. But I know my daughter, and I know how stubborn she can be when she believes she's right. I'm glad you're acknowledging your role in all of this. But it sounds like Alexis made her own choices."

Kevin frowned in surprise. "I guess so."

"And when she wakes up, she and I will need to talk about those choices." Castle tried for a small smile. It looked a little lopsided. "I don't think twenty-six is too old for your dad to ground you."

Kevin felt his own lips twitch in response and tried not to focus too much on all the questions behind when she wakes up. "I suppose not."

Hours later, Kevin found himself back in his old apartment, the apartment he and Alexis had shared once upon a time. He wasn't Fenton O'Connell anymore, and so there would be no going back to that other place. Boxes from Fenton's apartment were stacked neatly against the wall—all the belongings that Kevin had had undercover that were neither evidence nor particularly useful to the NYPD.

He'd subletted the apartment while he'd been away, and now that he was in it again, returned home, he couldn't help but notice how it didn't feel like home anymore. It belonged to a stranger, yet another version of Kevin. Or maybe multiple versions—one, the happy boyfriend who secretly dreamed of wedding bells and picket fences, the other, an angry festering wound of a human being.

Kevin wasn't either of those people anymore. Time had changed his priorities. But he also wasn't the man whose belongings were currently boxed up—a short-tempered Dominant who played with criminals. He rubbed his face with a sigh. He didn't know who he was anymore.

He opened his fridge reflexively. He wasn't hungry, but he needed something to do. Otherwise he'd be stuck watching the clock and imagining Alexis on yet another operating table, or Javier, Beckett, and his boss talking about him behind closed doors. There was nothing in his fridge except a couple bottles of beer and an expired tub of sour cream. His tenants hadn't left much behind. He closed the fridge and made a snap decision, hoping he hadn't overstayed his self-imposed exile. The phone rang twice before she picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Gwen. It's Kevin."

He thought he heard an intake of breath. Then there was a beat of silence.

"Gwen?"

"Kevin who?" she asked.

"What do you mean who? Your brother, Kevin."

"It couldn't be my brother, Kevin Ryan," she said. "Because my good for nothing brother has been gone for over a year. Doesn't call. Doesn't write. Doesn't bother letting his sister know if he's safe or not . . ."

"Gwen. I was undercover. You knew I couldn't—"

"So you see, you couldn't be my brother. Because he'd have a hell of a lot of nerve to call after all this silence." He thought maybe he heard the beginning of a smile in her voice, but he couldn't be sure.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."

"You'd better. So how the hell are you? Finished with your case, I'm assuming?"

"It's done. I um . . . do you mind if I stop by? Maybe we can catch up? It's really good to hear your voice."

"Sure, Kev."

"Are you free now?"

"I've gotta pick up the twins from school at four, but I think I can slot you in. Bring coffee, yeah?"

Thanks, Gwen."

Twenty minutes later, Kevin found himself on his sister's doorstep with two coffees and some pastries that he remembered Gwen enjoying. As soon as the door swung open he found himself engulfed in his sister's embrace. Then, just as quickly, she punched him in the chest and he just managed to not spill coffees and pastries all over himself. "Ow!" He set his peace offering down on the table next to the front door.

"Don't you ever do that to me again, Kevin. Do you know what it's been like? Calling that captain of yours for updates over the last year because you dropped off the edge of the Earth. Ma and Dad asking about you and worrying when I couldn't tell them anything?" She punched his chest again then hugged him once more. "I missed you, you idiot!"

This time he was able to hug her back, and he squeezed her maybe a little tighter than was normal for them, but she didn't seem to mind. "I missed you too, sis."

She stepped back and wiped at her eyes. "At least you brought coffee. Glad you didn't skip out on that."

Kevin handed her a cup, a smirk twisting his lips. "Man, you're really laying on that Catholic guilt, huh?"

"You know what they say about old habits. Come sit. You look like hell, by the way. Did they not have a pair of scissors at your undercover job?"

Kevin dragged his fingers through his hair self-consciously. "I guess I need a haircut."

"Understatement, little brother." She tugged him over to the kitchen table. "So have you told Ma and Dad you're back yet?"

His grimace was apparently answer enough, and she rolled her eyes. "You're killing me."

"I just got back. I haven't had time to talk to them yet."

Gwen frowned at him. "I'm not saying another word until you call mom and dad."

Kevin held his hands up in front of him. "I promise I'll call them but first I need to talk to you."

Gwen stared at him for a moment. "What could be so important that you can't take two minutes to tell your parents your back home where you belong?"

"Because I don't know if this really is where I belong. I . . ." he stopped. "Everything is a mess, Gwen."

"Please don't tell me you're here for advice. You don't call for a year and now you want to come back into my life and expect me to listen to your problems?"

"I've made a mess of things, Gwen, and I need help sorting things out. I just can't seem to get my head on straight."

"I'd be confused if I had cut out all my friends and family for over a year to go pursue some half-assed narcotics assignment."

"It wasn't half-assed —"

"How did it go then?"

"As well as could be expected." Kevin thought back to the months he'd spent undercover as Fenton O'Connell. In the end he had accomplished his mission. In the end Moreno did end up being put away for all of the crimes he'd committed, and the city was just a little safer with one less dealer flooding the streets. But that hadn't been why he'd left, if he was being honest with himself, and putting Moreno behind bars didn't fix what he felt now.

He thought of Alexis, how he'd gone undercover to get away from her, to get a break from her presence in his life. Even after the breakup, she'd been too close. Working in the same building as him, sharing the same friends—he'd told himself he'd never be able to get over her if he stayed. Clearly he hadn't gotten over her because the moment she'd gotten herself in trouble at the club he'd dropped everything and endangered his assignment to save her. He'd pulled her into his assignment, enabled her to do her own after-hours police work, lied to her about who he truly was, and in the end she'd been the one to pay the price. "I started the assignment because I thought it would help me, and I thought that I could help people. Mutually beneficial, you know? But you and I both know that I was running . . . and when I was undercover I ran into Alexis."

Gwen's eyes widened. "But you were undercover. You met her while you were undercover?"

Kevin bit back a laugh. "And that's only the beginning. I got her involved in my assignment."

His sister pulled in breath and Kevin been walked her through the last few months he'd been spending at the club with Alexis. He left out the gritty details about their sessions but other than that admitted everything. He admitted his lies, he admitted his suspicions about her, he admitted that even undercover—so far undercover that he didn't recognize himself—he still loved her and he still was drawn in by her. And he couldn't stay away. Didn't even really try.

He told her about Moreno and how he had inadvertently brought Alexis and into Moreno's line of sight. How Alexis had tried to warn him when her own undercover police work had made her a liability. And, his stomach sick to recall that sequence of events once again, Kevin told Gwen what Moreno had done to Alexis when he had finally gotten his hands on her.

To Gwen's credit, she didn't interrupt him or sling any judgment at him while he was telling the story. Maybe she knew well enough after all these years that he needed to get it out of his system, that his confession of sorts was a confession to an impartial third party who might tell him how to move forward—or maybe to a loving sister who have known him since before he could walk. A sister who had watched out for him her entire life, who had helped him learn how to read, how to ride a bike, how to make spaghetti for the first time, and who he hoped wouldn't cast him out now.

By the time Kevin had finished telling his tale, explaining Alexis' prognosis his hands were shaking, his eyes were red though he hadn't allowed himself to try. "I don't know what to do Gwen. I don't know how to watch her laying in that hospital bed for another day or week or month. I don't know how to make up for this. Tell me what to do."

Gwen took his hand but she didn't say anything at first. She took a breath and looked directly in his eyes. "It's not your fault, Kevin. What he did to her is not your fault. Yes, you shouldn't have lied, and yes, those lies have consequences but you didn't torture her. You didn't pull the trigger. And I think she knows that, and I'm sure she doesn't blame you."

"What if I blame myself? It's not that cut and dry, Gwen. I know I'm not the one who pulled the trigger but I am the one who helped put her in front of that gun. I'm the one who sent her away when she needed help. I'm the one who let her be at the club in the first place."

"Kevin, I don't know Alexis like you do but it seems to me that she made her own choices and that once she made them, it wasn't up to you anymore. You can't control everything and you certainly don't control her. It's terrible what happened to her, and if there's anything I can do to help please let me know, but I don't think you're doing anyone any favors by blaming yourself."

For a moment Kevin let his sister's his words sink in and he consider them carefully. He ran them against what Alexis's father had told him, what Javi had told him, what he'd learned from Captain Beckett, and what he knew about Alexis herself. There was a ring of truth in his sister's words, and he couldn't deny it much as he wished he could take all the blame upon himself. But knowing that it wasn't so his fault didn't help him feel even a little bit better. "So what do I do now? It's not my fault, but they're still talking about whether not I can continue with the NYPD. It's not my fault but Alexis is still in surgery right now because her brain is swelling and that son of a bitch shit broke her eye socket. It's not my fault but my former best friend looks at me like he doesn't know me anymore. What am I supposed to do with that? I'm not a Fenton O'Connell anymore. But I don't know who at who else to be, and Kevin Ryan, he doesn't feel like me either. I don't feel like me anymore. How am I supposed to cope with what's coming if I can't even recognize myself in the mirror?"

Gwen blew out of breath and then a soft smile tugged her lips. "That, at least, I can help with. But it'll involve a pair of scissors."

Her smile grew as he realized what she was telling him, and Kevin felt himself smiling in return. "I'd like that."

By the time Gwen had to leave to pick the twins up from school Kevin was feeling just a little bit better—partially because of a haircut his his sister had just given him. His hair was now a little longer on top than it had been before he went undercover but it wasn't anywhere as wild or long as it had been when he'd been Fenton. It was something altogether new. As Gwen lead him to the front door she threw her her arms around him again. "Call Ma and Dad. They should know that you're home and safe now. And let me know how Alexis does."

"I will."

"Don't be a stranger. I know you'll find your way through this, Kev, and while you're doing that don't forget you have a family who loves you."

" I love you,too. And thanks. I don't know what I would do without my wise older sister."

"Keep laying it on thick. I still haven't forgiven you, you know. It's going to take more than some sweet words to make up for all this silence."

"I know. But thank you all the same." He smiled at his sister as he approached the door.

"And Kevin? You have even more making up to do where Alexis is concerned and I think you know that. But if you really love her and if you think there's a chance after everything that she might love you too, don't mess it up again. It's been a long time since I've seen you happy I'd like that to change. "

"I'll see what I can do."

Kevin arrived at the hospital the next morning with a new four-pack of coffee in his hands—along with a piece of blueberry-lemon coffee cake—and a spring in his step. After leaving Gwen's he had made a stop at his parents' house outside the city and had spent the evening catching up with them and telling them what little he could about his assignment. He didn't tell them everything he told Gwen, only that he was back and he was safe and that he wouldn't be leaving again anytime soon. He felt oddly at peace the next day after having made amends with his family and come back into their lives. He felt a little bit like no matter what happened next, at least he would have them. But he couldn't quite settled the unease in his gut as he thought about Alexis' future. She hadn't gotten the chance to make peace with her family over her decisions, and as far as he knew she was still unconscious after yesterday's surgery. He hurried to the nurses station, dropping off the coffees and coffee cake on the counter. He caught Tori's eye.

"How did it go yesterday?"

Angie scowled at him, no doubt resenting his flagrant disregard for private healthcare information, but he couldn't be bothered to care. Tori gave him a smile but he couldn't help but notice that it felt a little forced. "The repair went well. She should have full use of her vision once she recovers from the surgery . . ."

"But?"

"Repairing her eye socket did help with the intracranial pressure, but we still had to put in a shunt to help reduce the swelling. It's difficult to tell for sure, but her brain has likely experience some significant damage."

Kevin felt his heart plummet into his stomach. "How significant?"

"Her scans are looking okay, but traumatic brain injuries can cause any number of situations. We won't know more until she wakes up," then she added "which might be very soon. I just want you to prepare yourself, Detective, she might not be the person you knew before. "

Kevin tried to swallow but found his mouth dry. He told himself that all that mattered was that she woke up at all. Whatever came after that . . . he would deal with it. He didn't know how he would deal with it, as there were any number of terrifying possibilities popping up in his brain in no small part thanks to all of the research he'd done in the past three days on traumatic brain injuries. "Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate the heads up." He didn't tell her that all he cared about was Alexis waking up because he wasn't sure that was entirely , no matter what happened, he would be happy if she woke up. He would be happy if she was a functional person again, if she could move forward with her life no longer bound to the hospital bed, perhaps not even haunted by the memories of what had happened to her. But if she woke up and didn't remember him, didn't remember their relationship, some small selfish part of him would never be satisfied with that. He took his cup of coffee and continued on to Alexis' room. once again he'd beaten Rick into the room and he took his seat at her bedside picking up the dogeared True Crime book from the nightstand.

He paused before he opened to book to look over the woman he loved. It was painful to look at her like this. Unconscious, a mess of IV lines going into her skin, a tube coming out of her throat, supplying her air, and now a bandage over her left eye to match the one wrapped around her head. He belatedly wondered what they would do to repair the hole that put in her skull to reduce the swelling and told himself he would have to save that for research later. She didn't look like herself. She didn't look like the Alexis he knew, the Alexis he loved. She looked like an empty, broken doll—a lifeless thing. And he hated to see her that way. She was still one of the most important people in his world, and he still felt it was his responsibility to protect her, to take care of her, to love her. Christ, he hoped when she woke up she would let him.

He opened the book to the marked page and began to read. A few minutes in, he got a text from Javi asking how the surgery had gone Kevin responded with what he knew and only just held himself back from asking how the meeting had gone. It still hurt that he hadn't been invited to a meeting involving his own case. He rested his hand on the mattress as he slid his cell phone in his pocket with his other hand, and then he almost jumped out of his skin as he felt cold fingers brush against the back of his hand.

His eyes slowly followed from the back of his hand and up Alexis' arm to her face. Her fingers were still brushing over the back of his hand in the lightest, most clumsy of caresses and he watched, his heart pounding in his chest, as her eye fluttered open and closed.

"Princess?"

She looked at him, her expression glazed and disoriented, for the space of three heartbeats before closing again. She tried to speak but couldn't with the tube blocking her vocal cords.

"Don't try to talk."

She began to choke, not accustomed to breathing with a tube deep in her throat. Tears began to pool in her eye and she gripped his fingers tightly. He pressed the call button on the side of her bed. The nurses would be in any second now.

"Just breathe, okay? You're safe now." Both of his hands held her own as he started back into her frightened eyes, soothing her and the only way that he knew how. "I've got you. You're going to be okay."

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