Chapter 31

Kevin watched, his heart sinking, as Alexis smiled at the newcomer. "It's good to see you, Ashley."

While Kevin had known it would take time to earn back Alexis's trust, he felt like he'd been knocked over the edge of a precipice, free falling while Alexis's gentle suggestion that he move on with his life rang in his ears. While her shock and confusion at his confession of love flashed in his mind. There was something there, something etched into the disbelief on her face, encoded into the countless awkward encounters they'd had since she'd woken up. It was almost as if—

"What are you doing here?" Alexis asked as Ashley approached the table she and Kevin were sitting at.

"I'm in town for a shoot, and my parents told me what happened to you. I guess they heard about it from your grandmother when they saw her show," he explained. He eyed her arm, still in a cast, and set the bouquet gently on the table in front of her. "I figured I'd come for a visit. I hope that's okay."

She nodded quickly, seeming to have none of the unease or hesitance she'd shown to Kevin. "It's very kind of you. Ash, have you met Kevin? He's—"

"Ah, the boyfriend, right?" Ashley offered Kevin his hand. "Ashley Linden."

Kevin felt blood rush to his face and glanced helplessly at Alexis, whose face had gone the same shade as her hair. All things considered, it was kind of nice to know that any connection to Kevin—even an erroneous one—had the power to make her blush like that. Some of the panic clenching around his heart loosened.

Kevin took the younger man's hand. "Kevin Ryan. And I'm just a friend."

"Really? I thought—" Ashley shook his head. "Nevermind. I must have been mistaken." He glanced between the two, and then looked back at Alexis, the person he'd really come to see. Kevin watched Ashley's gaze slip over Alexis' battered frame, a small frown tugging at his lips. Alexis caught the expression too, if the way she self-consciously crossed her good arm over her cast was any indication.

Kevin cleared his throat and stood up. "I've gotta get back to work," he lied. Whatever reason Ashley had for dropping in, it wasn't to make small talk with him. "Alexis, I'll call you later?"

She nodded. "Yeah, call me. We can finish our talk." She gave him a smile that was emptier than her promise, and Kevin got the message loud and clear.

Even if he did call, she didn't want to talk to him.

Not anymore.

"How's your physical therapy coming?" Mora, Alexis's psychiatrist asked.

The redhead shrugged. "It's fine. I'm healing nicely."

That was what her surgeon and physical therapist said, anyway. It had been a month since she'd woken up in that hospital room, and despite her various doctors and therapists assuring her she was recovering fairly quickly, she felt like she was moving in slow-motion. The hard cast on her arm had been traded in for a soft brace. The bruising on her face had healed, as had the incisions from her various surgeries. Concealer did a good job covering up the pink scar near her right eye, and the bigger scars from her gunshot wound and Moreno's knife were covered by her clothes.

If Alexis didn't know better, one might have thought she'd never been hurt at all.

"And your pain?"

"It's manageable." And while she was still tender in several places, she was up and on her feet, pushing herself to do better. She'd stopped taking any pain medication almost as soon as she'd been discharged from the hospital. She didn't need anything else clouding her brain. "My physical therapist cleared me to return to work the other day. Desk duty. Part-time."

Her therapist nodded. "That's great. Do you feel ready to go back?"

"I think I can handle part-time." Alexis scoffed. "I don't suppose you want to give me the greenlight to go back full-time, active duty?" Unfortunately, the green light from her physical therapist and doctor didn't mean she could just go back to work. She'd need her therapist to sign off too, and even after a month of weekly sessions Alexis had no clue whether she was making any kind of progress by her therapist's standards.

The woman gave her a soft smile and then flipped through the notes she'd taken during their weekly meetings over the last four weeks.

"How are you sleeping these days?" Mora asked.

It was a gentle dismissal, but a dismissal no less. Alexis wasn't surprised. Hell, she'd be surprised if her therapist approved her going back to work at all. It was one thing to heal broken bones and stitched up skin.

Her brain was another story.

"The same as last week," Alexis answered with a frown. "It's either too much or too little. I'll sleep for a day and a half or won't sleep for three—it's all out of whack."

"I can prescribe a medication that might help with that."

Alexis shook her head. Her brain had to work hard enough as it was. She was making progress, but there were still days when she felt like she was walking through fog. When she felt exactly as lost as she'd been the day she'd woken up from her coma. Alexis had no interest in adding medication to the mix. "I'll keep trying the natural remedies we talked about."

The woman nodded. "And where are you at today? Too much or too little?"

Alexis thought of the tossing and turning she'd done the night before, the thoughts that plagued her through the darkest hours of the night. It wasn't until the sun had begun to rise and her alarm was minutes away from going off that she'd begun to feel sleepy. "I didn't sleep last night."

"Any bad dreams? New memories that you're afraid of facing?"

Alexis shook her head. When she'd woken up in that hospital room, she'd been faced with more questions than she could scrape together answers for. That much hadn't changed in the weeks since she'd woken up. And while her brain was getting better at remembering those missing pieces of her life before Moreno had essentially bashed her head in, she still couldn't remember what he'd done to her, was still missing the days leading up to his assault.

"Okay, well, the last time we had you in we talked about your case—about Amelia Parry and your work to find her killer. You mentioned someone named Fenton quite a bit. Can you tell me more about him? I understand he played a big role in your case work?"

His lilting voice slid through her battered mind. Come for me, pretty girl.

Alexis grimaced as an ache pulsed in her chest. "I don't want to talk about him. Not today."

Mora paused for a moment before looking back down at her notes. Alexis had tried to be as open as possible during their sessions, showing good faith so Mora might allow her to go back to work sooner. Would this first refusal slow things down?

"That's fine," she finally said. "Maybe next time. How are things at home right now?"

Alexis jumped right in, eager to prove she wasn't being stubborn. They talked about Alexis's adjusting to living with her father and grandmother again. How her dad had turned into a bit of a mother hen, but he was also writing for the first time in years, a new project about a female detective that had been inspired by Captain Beckett, though her dad had sworn her to secrecy on the last part. Alexis helped as much as she could, pointing out inaccuracies and suggesting alternative solutions, even brainstorming the mystery plot together. For the first time in years, things felt easy between them. Alexis had missed it, and it was the silver lining to the complete shitshow her life had become.

"Great work today, Alexis," Mora said when their session came to an end. "I want you to keep working on those memory exercises."

"Okay."

"And while I don't think you're ready to return to active duty, I do think going back to the precinct part-time may be a nice change for you. It can offer some structure and help ease you back into things, if you feel you're ready for it."

Alexis blinked. "Really? I can go back to work?"

Her therapist nodded and passed over the signed paperwork. "Part-time, non-active," she clarified. "But yes."

Alexis was smiling as she left her therapist's office. Once she made it to the street, her phone chimed, a reminder for her next appointment that afternoon. She was due at the precinct to sign some more medical leave paperwork, but since she'd been approved to go back to work, maybe she could share that with Captain Beckett instead.

She opened the reminder, reviewing the extensive notes she'd left for herself when making the appointment: the address and in-depth subway directions to the precinct, a reminder to bring her metro card, wallet, ID, and necessary paperwork.

Her short-term memory hadn't been great since her trauma, and while she'd been assured that it could take a full year to recover from a traumatic brain injury and that she was right on track, it was a frustrating way to live. Alexis had picked up some shorthand ways to cope, like writing extensive notes and setting reminders in her calendar to reference whenever she got lost or forgot about things. Hopefully she was still considered competent enough to go back to work.

As she walked through the turnstile to get on the subway platform, her phone began buzzing. It was Ashley. She'd been surprised as anyone the day that he'd stopped by to visit her in the hospital, but since then they'd become fast friends. It was easy to remember why she'd fallen in love with him all those years ago, though she couldn't claim to feel anything other than friendship for him now.

"Hey."

"How was your session?" he asked.

"Good, I think. She green-lighted me to go back to work part-time, so that's something."

'That's great! We should celebrate! You wanna come over to my place later? Or we can go out?"

She smiled. "You mean my place?"

Ashley was a photographer, and he'd come back to New York for a brief photoshoot, but since they'd reconnected he kept finding new gigs—more reasons to stick around New York and to spend time with her. When Alexis brought it up, he'd simply shrugged it off and told her that staying in New York for a while longer was good for his career. When he'd quickly grown tired of staying with his parents, he'd jumped on the opportunity to sublet her apartment.

"Yes, Madame Landlady. My apologies. So, tacos? We can stay in or go to that place around the corner?"

"Um, sure. I have to stop by the precinct first to drop off this paperwork and talk to Captain Beckett about getting back to work, but staying in sounds good."

"Great!" he asked. "Just swing by after your appointment. I'm done with shoots for the day, so I'll be ready when you are."

"See you then."

She ended the call and then, almost like a compulsion, glanced at her text message inbox to see if a message had come in.

Nothing.

She sighed and got on the train to the precinct.

Alexis was all too aware of the eyes on her and she walked onto the homicide floor. It was her first time stepping foot in the precinct since her assault, and she didn't know how much her colleagues knew about how she'd ended up hospitalized. If they knew about her off-the-books police work, about Fenton . . . she took a deep breath and kept her eyes locked forward.

This was her job. One she wanted to come back to as soon as possible. The sooner she got through all the awkwardness, the better.

"Castle!"

Alexis looked toward the bullpen to see Detective Karpowski coming over, a smile on her face. "It's great to see you!"

She let out the breath she'd been holding. "Thanks. You too."

"You coming back to work, or what?"

"Um, hopefully. At least part-time. I'm actually here to see Captain Beckett . . ." she trailed off, her attention drawn by the detective at the desk behind Karpowski. Detective Ray Collins. He was closer to Javier's age and level of seniority and had recently transferred from another precinct. She hadn't had the opportunity to work with him much before everything blew up in her face.

He smirked at her when their eyes met. "I see the damsel in distress has found her way back to work."

"Shut it, Collins," Karpowski snapped. She turned back to Alexis. "Ignore him. We're happy to have you back whenever you're ready." She gestured to the row of offices near the wall. "I think the captain's in her office right now."

Alexis smiled gratefully and moved on. Captain Beckett was in her office, but she wasn't alone. Esposito, Captain Jeremy Morgan, the head of narcotics, and none other than Kevin Ryan were in the office with her, in a heated discussion of some kind. Kevin, in particular, looked furious. What was going on?

Beckett noticed Alexis loitering outside her office and gestured for her to come in.

"Detective Castle, it's good to see you," Beckett said, her expression softening.

"I didn't know you were coming in!" Javier said, pulling her into very gentle hug. He'd been treating her like glass since she'd woken up in the hospital, a far cry from the way he used to hand her ass to her on the sparring mat in the morning.

Captain Morgan nodded at her, but didn't say anything. He didn't look happy to see her barging in on the meeting.

She couldn't bring herself to look at Kevin, though she felt his eyes on her, drinking her in. She felt kind of sloppy looking in her jeans and sweater, compared to the three-piece suit he wore so well. He'd called her three times over the last month, and she'd avoided him each time. If she'd known she was going to run into him at work, she might have answered.

What was he doing here anyway?

"I can wait till your meeting is over," Alexis offered.

Beckett shook her head. "No, this involves you too. Your timing is actually uncanny. Do you want to sit down?"

Alexis glanced at the three chairs in front of Beckett's desk, which were occupied by the three men in the room. Javier and Kevin both hopped up, but she shook her head. She needed to show a strong front if she was going to be allowed to come back to work. No special treatment—even if she was tired and sore from not sleeping and running around the city all day. "I'll stand. So what's going on?"

Beckett looked at Kevin meaningfully, then glanced back at Alexis. "Moreno wants to cut a deal with the DA."

The words sounded positive, but based on the captain's expression, Alexis felt dread weighing down her stomach. "Okay? What does he want?"

"He's willing to plead guilty and confess everything to the DA—if you and Detective Ryan are there for the confession," Beckett explained. "And if you two don't show up, he'll plead not guilty and the whole thing will go to trial."

Alexis frowned. So Moreno would confess, but only if she had to relive the whole thing while he did it. That actually seemed pretty in-character, all things considered. But why her and Kevin?

"We have enough evidence to put him away for a long time," Kevin said definitively, pulling her out of her thoughts. "Whether he pleads guilty or this goes to trial, he's not going to win. He just wants one last chance to screw with us, and there's no need to put Alexis through that."

"He might though," Beckett said. "A lot can happen at trial, and considering the circumstances of his arrest and the ways in which some of the evidence was collected, it's possible he could get a lighter sentence, maybe even get off entirely on a technicality. Plus we have no idea what he or his lawyer have up their sleeves. It's worth considering making the deal for the sure thing."

Alexis felt heat rush to her face. Everyone in the room knew what Beckett was referring to with the "special circumstances." Alexis had found the killer, but her police work hadn't exactly been top-notch.

"But that's not Alexis's problem to fix," Javier said. "This is asking too much."

They were talking about her like she wasn't even in the room. Would they have even told her about this at all if she hadn't happened to stop by?

"I think she's getting off lucky, considering everything," Morgan grunted. "We don't want to waste this opportunity."

"We're not taking the deal!" Kevin snapped.

"You wanna start thinking with your brain instead of your dick, Ryan?" Morgan snapped back. "This is open and shut; we shouldn't even be having this conversation." He turned to Alexis. "You fucked up royally on this one, Castle. Now you have a chance to clean up this mess you've made. Are you going to take it or not?"

Javier stood up so fast he knocked his chair back. "Take it down a notch, Morgan. You're not her captain. You can't just bully her—"

Alexis looked away from the three men squabbling and met Beckett's eyes. "I'll do it." Her voice was soft enough that the men didn't hear her, too busy continuing to bicker over her wellbeing.

"Perfect," Beckett said loudly. "I'll let the DA know."

The men paused, and Kevin spun to look at Alexis. "You agreed? You don't have to do this."

"I know I don't. I want to." She took a deep breath. "Besides, it's not like I remember what he did to me—"

"So you want a play-by-play of the whole thing?" he demanded.

"So he's already done his worst. And Captain Morgan is right. This is my mess." Not for the first time she was relieved that she didn't remember everything about her trauma. She did remember how she'd reacted when she'd seen his picture at the hospital, and she hoped that enough time had passed that she'd be able to keep it together in front of the real thing.

If she thought Kevin looked furious before, it was nothing compared to now. "This is bullshit!"

"What are you even doing in here, Ryan?" Alexis snapped. "This doesn't concern you! This is my life, my decision, and my case. I should be the one to see it through to the end."

He stopped, confusion spreading across his features. Beckett stood up. "Well now that that's settled, I believe Detective Castle and I have some things to discuss. Privately."

And just like when she'd walked in, Alexis felt Kevin's eyes on her long after he'd left the room.

The captain had been understandably skeptical about Alexis's request to return to work just five weeks after being assaulted, but she'd decided to allow it—with some rules of her own:

"Make no mistake, Castle," Beckett had said. "You're still on probation, and this is a part-time desk job until I say otherwise. You will continue therapy and won't go full-time until me, your doctor, and therapist give you the green light. Your priority right now is healing and earning my trust again, earning your partner's trust again. I'm not allowing you to come back just so you can fall into old habits. If I see you working extra hours, or working off the clock, I will take your badge. There will be no more second chances. Do you understand?"

Alexis's mouth had gone dry. "I understand. Thank you, sir."

All things considered, her talk with Beckett had gone surprisingly well.

When Alexis walked about of Beckett's office, she found Javi and Kevin speaking in low voices by Javier's desk. They abruptly stopped when she walked out, and she knew they were talking about her. She was exhausted and still processing the stern care that Beckett had dished out, and she wanted nothing more than to sink onto her couch and listen to Ashley prattle on about the difficulty of herding models around Central Park.

"Bye, Javi. See you in a couple days," she said as she passed them.

"Can't wait to have you back."

She stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. As the doors slid shut, a hand shot through the gap, stopping the elevator's progress.

"Might if I ride down with you?" Kevin asked, his hand still holding the door open.

Alexis shrugged. "Sure."

He stepped onto the elevator and pressed the button for the narcotics floor at the same time her phone rang.

"Hi, Ash."

"Sorry, what kind of tacos did you want?"

Alexis was very aware of Kevin's eyes on her as she answered. "Um, spicy chicken, I think. Maybe with some cilantro-lime sauce."

"This place doesn't do that. You're thinking of the taco cart across town. The one we stopped at after seeing that movie about—"

She sighed and rubbed her face. God, she was tired of her memory failing her. "Whatever you think sounds good then. I'm on my way home."

"Got it."

She hung up and slid her phone in her purse.

There was a glorious beat of silence and then, "So you and Ashley, huh?"

Alexis felt her shoulders curling forward. "What about it?"

"I think it's cute. It's like this long-awaited reunion." She couldn't read his expression, but his casual smile didn't reach anywhere near his eyes. "He was your first love right?"

"We're just friends."

"And I'm sure that's all he's interested in being," Kevin muttered.

"Why do you even care?" Alexis scoffed.

Kevin's lips pursed. "You know, I'm getting really tired of hearing you ask that. 'Why do I care?' 'Why am I sticking around?' 'Why don't I mind my own business?' I thought we'd talked about all of this back in the hospital."

She folded her arms in front of her chest. "And I'm still waiting for a good answer."

The elevators pinged and the doors slid open to the narcotics floor, but Kevin didn't exit. Instead, he pressed the button to close the doors and turned back to her.

"Isn't this your floor?" she asked.

"It can wait. What do you mean you're still waiting for an answer? Have you not listened to anything I've said? Or do you just not remember?"

She flinched. "And there's Detective Asshole."

He shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. It's a genuine question because I don't know what else I'm supposed to say to help you understand how I feel."

"What?" She blinked and he took a step forward.

"That is what I mean. I try to talk to you about how I feel about you, about us, and every single time you look at me like I've grown a second head. Talk to me. What part of this is so confusing for you?"

"All of it." The venom had slipped out of her voice. "You . . . hate me."

"No, I don't—"

"We broke up," she said, confusion still pounding in her head. "Because of me, and maybe a little bit because of you too, but the point is that I've learned to live with that mistake. And I've been trying to move on. And now I'm here, trying to get back to work, and you're cornering me in the elevator to confess—what? That you love me? You don't love me, Kevin."

"Don't I get to decide that for myself?"

His words sent a flicker of recognition through her, and she blinked, trying to place where she had heard them before.

"You don't really want me."

His hands closed over her shoulders and his head tilted forward; his body was slowly molding around hers, blocking out her ability to stand strong, to think. "What were you looking for?" he asked again, his tone somehow both gentle and unyielding. His voice was absent of the accented lilt she'd grown accustomed to, but there was no mistaking the intensity in those honey-brown eyes.

"I…." She shook her head slightly, feeling that subtle dominance scatter her resolve.

His hand slid from her shoulder to the nape of her neck. His fingers twined in the thick locks of hair he found there and tugged, just hard enough to demand her attention, just gentle enough to weave that submissive headspace around her.

The elevator pinged as it arrived at the ground floor, and Alexis stepped back, suddenly dizzy. She shook her head. "I've got to go."

"Alexis, wait—"

She was already moving through the lobby and out the doors. If she'd had a firmer presence of mind, she would have been proud of the way her feet carried her back to the subway station, through the turnstile, and onto the platform for the train that would take her back to her dad's loft without once getting lost.

But she was too focused on other things. One person in particular.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, ignoring the text from her dad asking about her therapy appointment, and instead pulled up the one-sided text thread buried at the bottom of her inbox.

Since she'd woken up in the hospital, she'd been calling and texting, trying desperately to make contact with the one loose end from that complete shitshow of a case. And despite the consistent silence she'd gotten from the other end, she still typed out a quick message.

Why won't you talk to me?

She stared at the thread, waiting for the three dots to appear.

Nothing.

Just like always.

Kevin slumped into his desk chair with a defeated sigh. His first conversation with Alexis in well over a month, and it couldn't have gone worse.

"Ryan," another detective said as he approached Kevin's desk.

"Hey, Chang. What's going on?" Kevin asked wearily, his mind still spinning from his encounter with Alexis. Detective Chang was his former handler, and Fenton's keeper. Kevin had never envied the man that particular job, and he was sure that Chang was just as glad to see Fenton out of mileage as Kevin was.

"I've got a question for you."

"Shoot."

"You told me all of Fenton O'Connell's loose ends were tied up."

"They are." He'd spent the last four weeks tying them up himself and then moving onto his new position handling other undercover assets. It was beyond boring, compared to what he'd gotten used to, but it was nice having a personal life again.

"Then who is this?" Chang shoved Fenton's old burner phone into Kevin's hands. A message thread had been pulled up, with the letter "A" standing in for a full name.

Alexis.

Alexis had been texting Fenton's burner phone?

The thread had some twenty odd messages, dating back over the last month.

I'm in the hospital. I guess your boss did a number on me, but I survived. Are you okay?

Please talk to me, Fenton.

I'm really worried about you.

I heard the club's shut down and most of the staff have been arrested. Where are you now?

By now I'm sure you know about my involvement in the bust on the club, and I'm sure you're angry with me, but can you please let me know if you're okay?

Another message popped up on the screen.

Why won't you talk to me?

Realization hit him like a punch to the stomach. All of their conversations, the confusion, the anger, the way she kept brushing him off—suddenly it all made sense. Kevin had thought Alexis was angry with him for not helping her when she'd come to him after Seth had attacked her in the parking garage, but he'd been wrong.

She'd been treating him that way because she didn't remember the truth, because she still thought of him as the ex-boyfriend she'd cheated on, the guy who'd let himself have an emotional relationship with another woman while he and Alexis had still been together.

And, somehow worse, she still thought Fenton O'Connell was a real person.

Kevin dropped the phone on his desk and rested his head in his hands. "Fuck."

Author's Note: To those of you still with us, thanks for reading! We'll keep posting sporadically until this story is finished.