Food Wars (France, America, Russia)
2003
"So you won't help me, France?" America yelled down the line. He sounded reproachful. "You won't send troops to Iraq in order to help me free him from that tyrant Saddam Hussein? Is this your last word?"
"Yes, Alfred," France sighed. "This is my last word." He tucked the receiver of his telephone under his chin, farther away from his abused ear. "I'm sorry, boy, but I don't believe Saddam has nuclear weapons, and I think it's unreasonable to wage war against him."
"Then you leave me no choice. I'll tell everybody not to sell French fries any more. They're now called…" America made a dramatic pause. "Freedom Fries!" he yelled triumphantly. France stared at the receiver, dumbfounded.
"But they're actually—"
America rang off.
"Actually from Belgium," France said, shaking his head. "Boy, sometimes you don't make any sense."
2014
"So you're going to impose sanctions on my economy as well?" Russia asked. He sounded very sad.
"The whole EU is going to impose sanctions on you", France said, not unkindly. "I'm sorry, Russia, but we can't just let you invade Crimea as well as the eastern part of Ukraine and pretend nothing happened."
"Then you leave me no choice," Russia replied defiantly. "In turn, I'll tell my boss to impose an import ban…" He made a dramatic pause. "An import ban on your cheese!"
"But, Russia, don't you think…"
Russia rang off.
"Don't you think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face?" France sighed. It was Russia's business if he denied himself France's delicious cheese, and still… Russia, sometimes you don't make any sense, he thought.
Notes
France didn't support the U.S. in the 2003 invasion of Iraq. As a consequence, the Republican Bob Ney (*1954), then Chairman of the Committee on House Administration, renamed French fries to "Freedom Fries" on the menu of the three cafeterias in the House of Representatives. Actually, France and Belgium argue in which country French fries were originally invented. For the purpose of the story, I decided that France also believes they're from Belgium.
When the EU imposed economic and political sanctions against Russia in 2014, Russia reacted with a ban on food produced in the EU. As a consequence, non-Russian food/restaurants are increasingly hard to find in Russia. (Some weeks ago, I watched a report about an Italian restaurant in Russia that was on the brink of closure because the owners couldn't buy the ingredients they needed any more.)
I believe it's beyond France to understand how people can use food as a "weapon" in politics. I don't think he'd do that—but then, he thinks his own food is the best anyway. ;)