TPOV

I don't know who this tramp thinks she is throwing me off of my Eddie and taking him for herself. I have been trying to get into those brooding breeches for years and no one is going to get in my way. After our initial conflict I fled so that I can have my time to come up with a plan of action. I have been stalking him like prey for days waiting for the perfect opportunity but she is always around him. I notice they break away to say something to each other and see my perfect chance to separate them. I run full force towards my Eddie and the harlot only to be knocked on my perfectly shaped ass before I can even touch the girl.

"What is this? Why can't I reach you Eddie? What has this evil witch done to you?" I keep trying to push past the invisible barrier surrounding them but can't fight my way through. The bitch has the nerve to smile at me. I can see that the family has come to check what the commotion is about.

"When I get a hold of you I am going to scalp you!" I threaten.

"Well, well, well, it looks like little bells here has found her power." Emmett interjects.

I lose all control when I hear the slut retort, "I have always been good a shutting whores out."

I start taking off my earrings and my shoes, "Rosalie hold my hoops." I start to move towards them when Carlisle holds his arm out.

"Now, Now, ladies. This is not the time for this. Tanya, please come inside seeing as we have a lot to catch up on." I follow behind Carlisle into the house but not before mouthing "die whore" in the newest Cullen's direction. The ingrate had the nerve to wave at me.

CedPOV

No amount of warning could prepare me for the crazy that is Tanya. I could hear her crazy thoughts for days waiting to sneak up on us at any moment. Thank goodness for my savior, my Bella.

"Stop mooning over me you freak." My love has a way with words as I continue to stare in her direction. She scoffs and starts to walk away but I trail closely behind. We gather around Carlisle and sit the furthest away from Tanya as we can. She keeps giving me mooning eyes and I notice when it is night time like this her thoughts become more… amorous… to say the least.

"Okay, so it appears that we have a few things that need clarification. Ahem… Tanya… are you listening." The crazy lady's head snaps from me to Carlisle's direction to show that she now holds his attention.

"The guy that you see with young Bella is not Edward. This is Edward's twin, Cedric."

"Twin? Edward has a twin? How is that possible?" Haven't we been through these questions enough? Carlisle gently answers her questions but that doesn't stop her inane thoughts of tying me to a bedpost. Shudder. Only now I am not alone, Edward is beside me. Did she just lick her lips? Gag! Now I know why Edward wanted to stay away.

"Yeah! Cedric looks like Eddie but he is way better!" Got to love Emmett. Did Esme just shake her head in agreement? Huh.

"So if this is Cedric then where is my Eddie?" Everyone immediately stares in different directions not wanting to answer her question knowing she will explode. My sweet Bella decides to take one for the team.

"Oh, he is back at the castle with his wife." Silence….. More silence…. Eye twitch…. Finger twitch… oh no…

"His WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!"

"His Wiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffffffffeeeeee." Was there really any need for my girl to speak it so slowly? And exaggerate the syllables? Or answer the question at all?

Tanya starts muttering to herself and her thoughts are whirling. I wonder if Snape can make a potion to cure vampire psychosis…..

"You are all lying! You are trying to keep my Eddie from me!" she crawls towards me and I grab Bella and push her in front of me like a human shield.

"Hey!" she whines in protest. I admit it is not the manliest thing I have ever done but I was scared so sue me. Bella keeps her away from us by whatever force field she produced so Tanya keeps circling us and hissing. Bella hisses back. A hissing fight ensues.

After about 20 minutes of people trying to talk Bella down and catch Tanya I feel a strange mood abruptly hit. I go from confused to shocked to excited in about a span of three minutes. Then comes the extreme case of lust and horniness I am consumed by it.

"Jasper, stop messing with my emotions man!"

Jasper looks at me confused. "I'm not. That is all you. What is wrong with you?"

I am extremely freaking horny! That is what! The fabric of my jeans are the only thing holding close my huge erection. Bella is looking at me with concern in her eyes while the rest of the family is still trying to catch Tanya.

There is a tightening in my stomach as Bella steps forward to check and see if I am alright. I try to back away but before I know it her hand is on my shoulder and I am coming in my pants. In front of my entire family. FUCK MY LIFE.

"Uhh… dude… did you just?" Emmett looks at me in shock and horror.

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Errr….Why?"

"Well, gosh Emmett, I don't know! It is Jasper's fault! He made me horny!" Emmett steps away from me with his hands up in surrender. I just want to bury myself in a whole. I would if I weren't so worried about Tanya finding me there.

"I didn't do anything!" The liar states in his defense.

"I don't see anyone else around here that can manipulate someone's emotions!" I go to swing at Jasper but Alice's peals of laughter stop all of us short.

"Alice what is so funny?" The matriarch of the family asks with concern. I catch wind of Alice's thought pattern and I instantly know what has happened. As embarrassed as I am the family will overlook it compared to what happened to Eddie. I start boisterously laughing along with Alice until we both have unshed tears in our eyes. Our laughing caused everyone to forget about Tanya as she was now looking at us like we were they psychos.

"Mcgona… Edward…. Mcgonna….." Alice exclaims through laughter.

"Eddie lost his virginity and decided to stand on his balcony and announce it to the world when Mcgonagall was catching stray snitches." I stop for another round of laughter and then catch my breath. "He was screaming how he was a man and Mcgonagall caught him stark naked and reprimanded him!"

Everyone is silent for a second before the uproarious laughter begins. Tanya makes her escape but none of us even care because we are laughing so hard. Emmett and Jasper were holding hands and swinging around in a circle chanting "Eddie got laid!" It took us hours to come back to our senses and no one noticed when I used my wand to clean myself up. I was right. My mishap was completely overshadowed by my twin.

"Wait a minute." Emmett states. "Does this mean you will jizz every time Eddie gets laid?"

"and vice-versa?" Jasper inputs.

Oh shit… oh no…..

That sets them off again.

FUCK MY LIFE.