Sunnydale, CA, Aug 1999

It was a beautiful but unusually windy and cold day for a Californian summer. The sky was full of dark clouds, but it wasn't raining yet. Buffy felt that it should have been raining. The skies should have cried for her friend. She felt a tremendous weight on her chest. Xander wasn't supposed to die! He was supposed to have a normal life with a wife and kids.

Buffy looked around; she had not expected Xander's funeral to be such a hit. There were over thirty people there, most of them their schoolmates. One of the few who wasn't crying was Willow. She just stared at the casket, her face was pale, and it was easy to see that Willow had not slept well. Buffy was worried about her friend. When the news about Xander's death came, Willow acted expectedly; she cried and fell into depression.

But then, when the whole story reached them, Willow became obsessed finding what really happened to Xander. Buffy had to admit that she didn't know what to think about the way Xander had died. It was a strange story, Seth Fargough, leader of some sort of a religious cult and a serial killer, had killed several of his followers and Xander had been among them,

Buffy understood why Willow had become so obsessed to find out more about Seth and his cult and how Xander had died. The idea of Xander becoming a religious nut who followed a man who declared himself as a God itself was not credible, but for their friend to become a follower of a Seth under a month was a ridiculous idea.

Xander had seen too much to become a mindless drone of anyone, much less of a man who had claimed to be a God. There had to have been a better explanation of why Xander's dead body had been found in Seth's compound. Buffy looked at Willow, there still was no tears, but now she looked like a ghost.

"Stupid, idiotic, dweeb!" Cordelia, who, whatever reason, had clutched on Buffy's mother's other arm, said.

"Huh?" Buffy asked, giving the brunette a pissed off glare. "Are you insulting Xander on his funeral?"

"Well, yeah, he wouldn't be in that coffin if he hadn't been such an idiot. Always the fucking hero who had to put his nose where it didn't belong! They're wrong, you know? I know my Xander, he'd never join a cult. The only reason I can think of why he died in that compound was that he was there to save someone. The stupid idiot always had to save everyone! That's why he is… was an idiot. I'm pretty damn sure that without his White Knight complex, he'd be alive today."

Buffy nodded, she had to admit that Cordelia had a point and Xander trying to save some girl from a cult was more likely explanation than him becoming a mindless cultist under a month. "Yeah, that would make more sense than what they told us."

"Yes, Xander had many flaws, but he was not as gullible as they say he was. He didn't need a religious cult to tell him what the meaning if his life was. Xander already knew what to do with his life," Joyce smiled sadly at her daughter. "His purpose in life was to help you. He saw that as his sacred duty."

"Uh-huh, stupid dweeb was worthy of his name," Cordelia said.

"Huh?" Buffy asked.

"Alexander means the protector of mankind," Joyce explained.

"Yeah," Cordelia said, "what's with Willow? I'd expect her to be bawling."

"She's… obsessed about finding what happened to Xander and she… I don't know… she's… she just behaves strangely… she even broke up with Oz," Buffy said.

"Huh? Really?" Cordelia said.

"Really," Buffy replied. "I think she did it because of guilt that Oz forgave her and she got him back, but Xander never did get you back."

"Great! Make me feel even worse—" Cordelia said.

"Shush, girls!" Joyce said as the Priest started to talk.

Buffy wasn't listening to the priest. Though he had been Xander's Holy Water supplier the priest had not really known Xander. Even though some of the guys in there had bullied Xander in school anyone of them would have been better speaking in his funeral than the priest.

As the casket was lowered to the grave, Buffy leaned on her mother for support. She watched how the colorful parasol, her Class Protector award, disappeared into the grave with the casket. She barely could see through her tears. She might have been Class Protector, but Xander had been her Protector. Without him, she wouldn't be there.

And now he wasn't there anymore.

If felt so final to watch him being put in the grave. And it was final; Giles had broken into the morgue to cut off Xander's head just in case. He'd told Buffy why it was closed casket funeral; Xander's body had been badly burned. The idea of cutting off the head of the corpse of a friend might have appalled anyone else, but Buffy was thankful that Giles had done it.

At least, now she could be sure that she would never have to stake her friend.

Willow stared at the casket, feeling nothing at all, unlike everyone else there she knew that it wasn't Xander in that coffin. Wanting to say goodbye to her best friend in person she had broken into the morgue the same night they had delivered Xander's body to Sunnydale. As she had cried over the body, she had slowly started to realize that something in the face of the burned body bothered her.

It had taken her a long moment to realize that the few unburned hairs that were left on the head of the corpse were brown, but much lighter shade brown than Xander's hairs were. To make sure that he was Xander Willow had done an autopsy to the body and two hours later she was sure that it was not her best friend's body.

Not only didn't the body's measures match on Xander's—the dead man was two inches taller than Xander, and his shoulders were narrower—, but the burned body had never broken any of the bones that Xander had.

It was not Xander's body.

Willow glanced at crying Buffy; she wondered if she should tell her that it wasn't Xander that they were burying? But, before the body had been delivered to Sunnydale, FBI had done an autopsy to it, and they had identified him as Xander, which meant that whoever was behind this either worked for the FBI or had enough influence that he could falsify a death certificate.

A person or persons with that kind of power over FBI might be very dangerous and, at least, they were too influential to let them know that she was after them, whoever they were. At least, for now, it was best to keep it secret that they were burying someone else than Xander. She'd tell others when she'd know more about what happened to Xander. Willow almost smiled when she thought about what the wrong body in the coffin meant; Xander might be alive. Of course, it only gave her a little hope, but that was enough for her to start examining Xander's death.

Willow had started from the most obvious place; Seth Fargough and his cult. Thus far, she had found out that there had been similar cults of Seti all through history. Setesh, the brother of Osiris and Isis, seemed to have been alive several thousand years. Willow had started to believe that Setesh was a vampire, especially after she had found that Seth's body had disappeared from the morgue.

Willow hoped that, if Setesh were a vampire, he wouldn't have turned Xander. She gnawed her lower lip; if that were the case, she would keep the promise she'd given to Xander after Jesse's death; she'd kill vampire-Xander whatever it takes.

But Willow wasn't going to give up with her friend yet. With a little help from the magic—Miss Calendar had left behind some nifty hacking-spells—she had managed to hack into FBI network. But their reports were just the same that they had given Xander's parents.

However, from FBI files Willow had found that there had been several Air Force Officers on the scene. That had made her curious, and more so after she read that two of the Air Force Officers, Major General Jacob Carter and Major Samantha Carter were father and daughter. Even if they'd sent Air Force General after a religious cult—which sounded ridiculous—the Army would not have sent father and daughter pair on the scene. There was something fishy about General and Major Carter and Willow was determined to find out what it was.

"Will, are you coming to us? We're having sorta wake for Xander at our home," Buffy asked.

"Wake is supposed to be kept before the funeral," Willow absentmindedly said.

"Well, yeah, maybe, but mom's having it now, are you coming?"

Willow looked at Buffy, part of her wanted to get back to her computer, she had a lot to do if she wanted to find Xander, but other part wanted to be with her friends. Even if it wasn't Xander that they had buried she still was sad and being with friends might help.

Willow nodded and said, "Yeah, I'm coming."

A month later

Major Samantha Carter stared at the computer screen. Someone had gotten into the system, and she couldn't figure out how nor had she any clue how to track the hacker down. She was glad that SGC had a closed system. There was no way anyone outside of the mountain to get into the SGC's network. You could access SGC servers only from a terminal inside Cheyenne mountain.

But the hacker had gotten into the Air Force network, and they had downloaded enough data that someone might figure out that the US Air Force used technology that should not exist in a few decades. Not to mention that they had downloaded her and MacKay's unpublished study about wormholes.

She'd published more than a few papers about the subject, but none of them revealed anything about the stargate. But the paper the hackers had downloaded was a Top Secreta. Sam sighed deeply; if that paper would be leaked then the some of the astrophysicists would figure out that she and Rodney had used a working wormhole as a reference point.

Sam finished her report about the security breach, printed it, and logged off the computer. She had to go to General and tell him what had happened. She could have sent her report, but she wanted to hand it personally because she knew that Hammond would have some questions.

"What does all that mean?" Hammond asked. "Can they figure out what is happening inside the mountain?"

"No, Sir, we don't keep that kind of files in servers that can be accessed outside. But they might be able to connect the dots and figure out that the Air Force is using more advanced technology than anyone in the world. Technology that should not exist in decade or two," Sam said. "But that's not the worst part."

Hammond grunted rubbing his temples. "I feel a headache coming…" he muttered and then he looked at Sam. "So, what is the worst part?"

"They got my and Rodney McKay's extensive study about wormholes. If the hackers leak that out some of the astrophysicists out there WILL realize that we've used a stable wormhole as a reference point."

"Which would mean that Stargate would become public."

"No, Sir, Stargate isn't mentioned on the paper, but it still would be very hard to explain where we got that data."

"But there is a way to explain it?"

Sam thought about it for a long moment. "Perhaps, I know a few groups who are working with the Einstein–Rosen bridge… I might be able to nudge them on the right path for them to create a theoretical way of creating a steady wormhole. Then we could give credit to that group, that would silence most of the science world and the rest of them, the ones who don't believe our explanation..." she sighed, "I guess we'd have to hire them."

Hammond nodded. "Contact on those groups and give them some help without revealing us. And, for God's sake, try to find out who hacked into Air Force."

"Yes, Sir," Sam said.

"It is getting better. I mean, I'm getting better. I'm not feeling good, but I'm starting to think that the rest of my life can be livable. I don't want to die, so, I'm in a lot better condition than I was just a month ago," Xander told Dr. MacKenzie. "Therapy and talking with Jack and Teal'c have helped me a lot. It kinda makes me feel better that they've gone through something similar, you know?"

Dr. MacKenzie nodded. "PTSD and survivors' guilt would have been hard enough to cope alone, but you also were a commanding officer, and you feel guilty about losing soldiers under your command."

"Yeah, I know," Xander said, "I lost people."

"Yes, you did, but you did your best, and that is all army asks from its officers. You cannot ask more from yourself."

"Yeah, I know. I mean, I know it is true. Jack's kinda trying to convince me that I didn't make any huge mistakes when planning the battle or during the battle. The enemy just was too great to win without casualties. Jack says that I should focus on the fact that we did win the battle. But… I kinda… I don't know… in my emotions and stuff, I still feel like I'm to be blamed their deaths. It's kinda hard to accept that I'm not to be blamed, but I'm halfway there. Someday I will accept it.

"And Jack's been kinda… dunno what he does. I mean… we don't talk about the officer's guilt or whatever you call it… we don't talk about that… not really. We're just, you know, comparing battle wounds and shit like that and sometimes… we talk about war and battles. Jack… he just is there, for me, I mean. No judging or anything. He just is there. We don't compare how many guys died under our command, and I'm sure he'd win that battle, but… he helps me just by being there, you know?"

"Yes, I believe I know what you mean, you and Colonel O'Neill have a lot in common," Dr. MacKenzie said. "How often the nightmares come?"

"Most nights I still see nightmares," Xander said. "But I get some sleep every night. The guilt is there, but it isn't crushing me anymore. Sometimes I sleep all through the night without nightmares waking me up. I know that I'm far from getting over the guilt, but right now, I'm just glad that the guilt isn't crushing me anymore."

"I would prescribe sleeping pills, but they don't work with Jaffa physic," Dr. MacKenzie said.

"It's okay; I do get some sleep. Not much, but enough to wake up more rested than I was when I got in the bed which is a big change," Xander said, "sometimes I think that Wormtail is releasing something that makes me fall asleep."

"Wormtail?"

"I don't have much to do here, and Janet brought me all three Harry Potter books and in them is a cowardly villain called Wormtail," Xander shrugged. "I thought that the name kinda fits for the worm in my belly. After all, it's a worm, and its a coward who fears me."

"Interesting," Dr. MacKenzie said.

"No," Xander said. "Don't say interesting. Every time you say interesting, you'll tell me how screwed up I am! The name I gave to the snake in my tummy is not interesting! I'm not interesting. Did you hear me? It's not interesting. Not at all interesting!"

"Xander, I didn't mean it that way. It just is interesting that you name it when Teal'c hasn't named the larvae."

"He calls it Junior," Xander said.

"No, Jack calls it junior, Teal'c hates the larvae just as much as you hate your larvae. I find it interesting that you named it because it tells a lot about you. You are a very friendly and caring person—"

"Don't! Please, don't tell me what naming the snake tells about me. I don't want to know, okay?" Xander said.

"Okay," Dr. MacKenzie said. "I believe it is dinner time."

"Yeah, I'm starving," Xander said as he got up. "Till the next time, Doc."

He found Jack waiting for him outside of the Dr. MacKenzie office. "Are you hungry, kiddo?" Jack asked when he saw Xander.

Xander nodded. If Colonel O'Neill was in the base when he had his therapy session the man always was waiting for him and then he took him to eat, and most of the time they talked about Simpsons or Jack was trying to teach rules of the Ice Hockey for him. It was sort of a ritual, and it made Xander always feel great. It was a small thing, but it was Jack's way to show that he cared.

Xander sighed as the people turned to look at him when they got to the canteen. Most of the SGC personnel were suspicious about him; they didn't like to have another Jaffa in the base. After he had heard Jack's stories about the Goa'uld Xander understood why only a few people in SGC dared to approach him, but it still made him feel even more outsider than he was.

As they ate, Xander listened to Jack telling about the thrills of an Ice Hockey game he had watched the night before. While they were eating Teal'c, Sam, and Danial joined them.

"Hey! That was mine!" Xander said when Jack snatched his Jell-O.

"Finders keepers," Jack said, putting a spoonful of the Jell-O into his mouth. "Mmmmm," he moaned.

"I can't believe that I unwittingly chose a thief as my role model," Xander grunted.

"What?" Jack asked.

Xander shrugged. "Doc M told me that I've chosen you and Teal'c as my first real male role models."

"Huh? First male role model?" Jack said, "don't you have a dad?"

"Well, yeah, but he's a work-shy abusive drunkard, not much of a role model. And the only other man in my life…" Xander sighed. "Well, Doc said that I didn't really see him as a man but as a librarian and… uh, my friend's tutor. If we believe Doc you and Teal'c are my first male role models and now I found out that you're a thief," he grinned, "you should behave like a good role model if you want me to grow up to be a productive member of the society."

"Bleh, I'm no one's role model," Jack said.

"Actually, Sir, I cannot think any better role model for Xander than you," grinning Sam said. "If Janet hadn't given us DNA proof that Xander isn't your son I'd ask if you'd had sexual relations with Xander's mother nineteen years ago."

"Hey!" Xander and Jack said.

"Damn you, Sam, now I will never get the image of Jack and mom in bed out of my mind!" Xander said as he snatched the Jell-O back from Jack and with the other hand, he snatched Jack's Jell-O jar and licked it. Then he grinned at Jack. "Mine! All mine!" he said as he started to eat the Jell-O.

Daniel burst into laughter. "Okay, Sam, I can see the resemblance between two of them."

"Indeed," Teal'c said.

TBC