Scully walked into her apartment with a deep sigh. She closed the front door, leaning against it, before stepping inside and dropping her keys on the dining room table.
She was past exhausted. The day felt as though it had been a week long. Her mother had met her at the funeral home to finalized the plans for Mulder's burial.
Burial. How had it come to this?
Her mother had been the strong one. Sitting in that room, she had become mute and unable to speak past the tears that continued to sit in her throat. Questions had been asked that she could not answer, her mother's hand in hers was the only thing keeping her grounded.
Efficient was the word she would use to describe what had transpired. Her mother had been no-nonsense and seemed unattached as they finished the paperwork needed to finalize everything.
When they had left however, as they arrived at the car, her mother had pulled her toward her and held her as they both cried. Her mother had whispered words in her ear telling her how proud she was of her, how much she knew it hurt, and that she loved her very much.
"You're doing so well Dana," her mother had said softly. "This is the hardest part, for today. Tomorrow will be harder and then the day after that, but every day you have to keep going. Small steps, small goals." She held her face in her hands and Scully nodded, her words kind, but bringing her no comfort, not right then.
Her mother had hugged her again as she said goodbye. She sent Scully home, taking on the task to buy something for Scully to wear to the service. When it had been brought up the other day, Scully broke down in tears, unable to face finding an outfit to wear on the day she would bury the man she loved. Her mother had smiled sadly and said she would take care of it.
Now Scully stood in her apartment, exhaustion coursing through her, though going to the funeral home had been the only task for her that day. She set the file of paperwork down on the table next to her keys, took off her shoes, and went into her bedroom. Lying down without changing, she fell asleep.
She spent most of the next day in bed, sleeping at intervals and crying at others. Her mother arrived late in the afternoon, with two garment bags draped over her arm. At the sight of them, Scully broke down in tears, knowing it did not matter which one she chose. After she wore it, she would never wear it again.
Her mother's kind eyes understood and she picked one, hanging it in the closet and closing the door, taking the other one back down to her car and not saying one word.
When she came back, she pulled Scully into her arms and they both cried again, the day fast approaching even as she wished time would stop. Or not stop, but go back. She wished she could go back in time, so she could change the future.
Her mother made soup and toast but neither of them ate anything. Scully asked her to stay and she did, holding her in her arms as they both cried. Her mother stroked her hair, kissed her forehead, and hummed softly, bringing her the only comfort she could as the night became morning.
Another meal was prepared, which Scully only nibbled at, not eating much as she did not have much of an appetite. She knew she needed to eat, if not for her, then for the baby, but she could not seem to do it.
Her mother left mid morning after again hugging her and whispering words of comfort. When she was gone, the apartment was quiet. The silence pressing in on her, made her want to scream.
She took a shower, crying as the water ran down the train, great sobs that hurt her body and wore her out. Stepping out of the shower, she dried off, put on her robe, lay down in her bed and fell asleep.
Waking up a few hours later, she sat up, confused at the time, before she lay back down, not knowing what to do to fill the hours until tomorrow. Suddenly, it hit her and she sat up. Putting on some clothes, she pulled her hair back, did not bother with any makeup, grabbed her keys and walked out the door.
She stepped up to the heavily secured door and sighed as she knocked and rang the bell. Frohike answered, his eyes red. He nodded as he took her elbow and gently pulled her inside, shutting and locking the door behind them.
It was eerily quiet in a room that was usually loud with the running of machines and the printer going off at random moments. As she looked around, she saw why; everything had been turned off, and the realization as to why, made her throat feel clogged again.
Byers and Langly were sitting silently at the dining room table, a bottle of whiskey and three glasses in front of them.
"You must have had a sixth sense," Frohike said with a sniff. "We were just telling Mulder stories and having a drink in his memory."
She put her hand to her mouth and Byers stood to his feet, guiding her to the table. She covered her face and cried as she sat down, feeling their hands touching her, remaining silent as they let her cry. When she trusted herself enough to look up, she wiped her eyes with her fingers, before a handkerchief was handed to her. She silently nodded her thanks and took a few deep breaths, as they patted and rubbed her back and arms.
A glass of whiskey was placed in front of her and although the smell made her feel nauseous, she nodded and thanked them, not drinking it, but not denying it either.
Langly quietly told a story about Mulder that made the guys laugh sadly. She grimaced and then attempted to smile, but failed miserably.
Byers told a story about years ago when Mulder broke a keyboard he had recently purchased. He had been typing and drinking a glass of water at the same time, spitting it out everywhere, as they made contact with the informant they had been searching for.
They all smiled and Scully took a tiny sip of whiskey, wanting to feel it burning her throat, and remove the tears that would not go away.
Frohike tried to speak, but his words got tripped up and he cried, taking a big drink of whiskey.
They all looked at her and her hand went unconsciously to her stomach. She took a deep breath and shook her head, knowing there was no way she would be able to formulate any words. They all nodded and Byers raised his glass.
"To Mulder," he said solemnly and they all echoed him. She took one more small drink and passed her glass to Frohike, who swallowed it down in one large gulp.
She stayed for a few more hours and as she made to leave, they said they would see her the next day, all of them grief stricken and somber. She stepped forward and reached for them, these three men who meant so much to Mulder. She nodded as she pulled back and said goodbye, theirs said quietly as she walked away.
Arriving at home, she once again fell into bed without undressing.
Waking up early the next morning, her grief was heavy like a hangover. Her mouth felt dry and scratchy like sandpaper. She grabbed Mulder's pillow and held it close, wishing it still smelled of him.
Tears fell silently from her eyes, the heaviness pressing upon her, making it impossible to get out of bed. Today was the day she would bury him, the person she loved most, and she was not ready. Not in any capacity.
Great heaving sobs shook her as she lay there, knowing she had to get up and get moving. The day would not wait for her, would not wait for her grief. It was still early, the sun barely up, but she knew the day would require more time to accomplish even the simplest of tasks.
Her hand traveled down to her abdomen and she closed her eyes. "It's so cruel that you will never know your father, my sweet child. I will tell you of him every day, but it will not be the same. He deserved to know you, and you deserved to know him. This life…" She broke down, taking a deep breath before carrying on. "We are not guaranteed anything in this life. Not anything… but this…"
She shook her head and cried, her face buried in the pillow, wishing it was Mulder's chest, his steady heartbeat bringing her comfort as it had so many times before. She cried again as she thought of their last night together, and their last conversation.
"I love you," he whispered and she scrunched her chin, trying not to cry.
"I love you," she whispered back and he smiled.
"I'll be home soon," he said and she nodded, though it felt like a lie. "Give you some time to miss me."
"Mulder," she said with a shake of her head. "Don't…"
"I'm sorry," he whispered and she gave a shaky sigh. "Goodbye, Scully."
"I'll see you soon," she said forcefully and he nodded.
"I'll see you soon, Scully."
"Yes, Mulder, you will."
But he would not. He was gone and they were now alone.
"I am so sorry, my child. So very sorry. Your father… God, he would have spoiled you, giving you everything you ever wanted. You would've heard about so many crazy things: aliens, mothmen, lake monsters, shape shifting people. Anything others would scoff at, he would tell you about with such excitement." She sobbed into the pillow, her hand on her stomach. "I'm so sorry."
Taking some calming breaths, still shuddering with sobs, she released the pillow and turned onto her right side. Pushing herself up, she sat on the edge of her bed and took a few more deep breaths.
Her heart stopped as she heard the front door open and close. For one tiny second, she thought it could possibly be Mulder coming over with some insane plan for them to check out. A lead he had heard about and wanted them to pursue.
Of course it was not him, and when her mother's face appeared in the doorway, her eyes filled with tears for many reasons.
It would never be Mulder walking into her apartment, with some insane theory he wanted to chase down. She knew it, but in that moment it became her reality.
Her tears were also for her mother. For there she stood, completely ready for the day and the sun had barely made its presence known.
Smiling kindly at her, her mother stepped forward and reached for her hands. Pulling her gently to her feet, she stroked her cheek with a sad smile.
"Let's get you ready," she said softly, and Scully shook her head.
"Mom," she whispered, and her mother nodded in understanding.
She led her into the bathroom, where she took a shower. Once she was in her robe, her mother sat her down in a chair she had brought into the bathroom. She blew her hair dry, brushing it and making sure it was perfect. When she was finished with her hair, she helped her with her makeup, stopping every so often to wipe away her tears.
When she was finished, she smiled softly again and pulled her to her feet, this time bringing her into the bedroom.
Scully took off her robe, clad only in her bra and underwear. She accepted the camisole and pantyhose her mother handed her, sitting down to put them on. As she did, her mother took the garment bag from the closet and opened it, taking the dress from the hanger. She undid the buttons on the dress before handing it to Scully.
Once the dress was on, her mother found some black heels in the closet and set them down on the floor. She smiled kindly and rubbed Scully's arms.
"I'm going to make us some tea," she said, as Scully shook her head. "You need to at least try, honey." She squeezed her arm and walked out of the room, leaving Scully alone.
She slid on her heels and walked back into the bathroom, staring at her reflection, her hand once more touching her stomach.
"How am I supposed to do this on my own? My sweet child, I miss him so much. He is… was. Jesus Christ." She covered her mouth and choked back her tears. "This wasn't the plan. He was supposed to come back… alive. My child, what are we going to do?"
She swallowed down her sobs as she heard her mother calling for her. Looking at her reflection once more, she wiped her eyes and walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen to share a cup of tea with her mother.
Standing at the graveside, before everyone arrived, her heart felt empty. Mulder was inside the coffin in front of her and she could not believe it.
Mulder…
It could not be true and yet she knew it was, knew he was gone. She had held his lifeless body in her arms and yet the thought of him lying in that coffin…
She stepped through the snow and stood in front of it, needing to have that moment. Staring at it, thinking of the cruelties life chose to bestow upon them, she choked on a sob.
Taking a deep breath, she placed a hand to her mouth. She kissed her palm and placed it on the coffin, her final goodbye, the last kiss she would ever give him. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. The others were beginning to arrive and now it was time to be strong.
For herself, Mulder, and their child.