Crash
Summary: L was prepared to die on the Kira case. He hoped he wouldn't (he was afraid to), but he knew it would probably happen. He knew he would likely die of a heart attack before they could even catch Kira. And as cold as it might sound, he was prepared for Watari to die by Kira's hand as well (or at, least, he told himself he was). What he wasn't prepared for, however, was for Watari to die in an entirely-ordinary car crash.
Howdy! That's right, I'm actually attempting to write a serious fanfic instead of crack (it's been a while). Apparently, I'm super into Death Note again, and this is the third Death Note fic I've written in the past month. Welp. I haven't been writing much fanfiction the last few years since I've been busy with school/original stories/drawing, but I've missed writing fanfic.
Oh, by the way, this is kind of an AU. Besides Watari dying, I'm not including the handcuff thing because I think it's pointless, and Aizawa doesn't ever leave the task force. This story takes place in a made-up period right between Light being released from confinement and the Yotsuba arc (so I'm pretty sure Aizawa would be there anyway).
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story! (also, there might be some LXMatsuda if you squint)
XXX
L sat hunched over in the back seat of the limo, his toes curling into the upholstery. Of course, he hadn't wanted to go anywhere, but it had been unavoidable. One would think that, as expensive as the headquarters building had been, that it wouldn't have had such a serious problem with the wiring that it caused a fire. But no, it did have a problem with the wiring, and there had been a minor fire in the kitchen. Luckily, the fire itself hadn't been a huge problem since it was immediately put out, but Watari insisted that they shouldn't stay there until an electrician could come check the rest of the wiring (obviously, one that was more qualified than whoever did the wiring in the kitchen apparently was). After all, the three greatest detectives in the world dying in an electrical fire was kind of a waste. If he was going to die (which he hoped he wouldn't), he should at least do so with a purpose.
It had been a real pain to move back into a hotel so they could continue the investigation. After all, Kira wouldn't stop killing just because the investigation trying to catch him had a set-back. Of course, L was used to working out of hotel rooms and moving around every few days, but he didn't like having to do so without knowing he would beforehand. He didn't like being put in a vulnerable position because of events that were out of his control. Like an electrical fire.
Oh, well. At least it was over with. They had just gotten the okay to return to the building, and Watari was driving him back in the black limo. Most of the rest of the team would be returning later, since most of them had just left to go home after staying up all night working on the case. Most of them would be returning because, apart from L and Watari, Light was also in the car with them, sitting normally in his seat. After all, even though Light was, to everyone else, innocent, L didn't want to let the young man out of his sight.
"Why do we have to move back into headquarters this early in the morning, Ryuzaki?" Light grumbled. "I would actually like to get some sleep this week."
L didn't respond, thinking that it was rather likely that any response he would have given would start a fight. Normally, L wouldn't give a single damn about starting a fight with the younger man, but they were in a car, and as good of a driver as Watari was, even he would have trouble driving with two grown men brawling in the back seat. Instead, L chewed his thumb thoughtfully, while Light, knowing he wasn't getting an answer, merely sighed and closed his eyes in an attempt to get some sleep during the short drive back to headquarters.
Part of L wanted to poke Light to wake him up, but he still managed to hold himself back by telling himself that it wouldn't be worth it. He almost convinced himself that it was worth it, though. But no, it really wasn't, despite how much he enjoyed messing with the Kira suspect.
Soon, L was lost in thoughts of the case, mentally running different statistics and analyzing the new data they had found in the last few hours. He was almost certain that Light and Misa had both been Kira before Light's imprisonment, but he was also pretty sure that they were not Kira at the moment. And whether they were or weren't didn't entirely matter anyway; after all, they had to catch the third Kira, and Light had been rather helpful in their investigation, though he wouldn't tell him so. L wondered what would happen if they obtained conclusive evidence that Light was Kira when he was still like this- as in, while he didn't seem to remember being Kira, assuming that it wasn't just some incredible acting. Would they really be able to convict him? If a man didn't have any memories of the crimes he committed, was he still responsible for them? Kira had killed so many people and affected so many lives that it didn't seem fair to the victims to just let him go. Maybe his sentence would be lighter if such a thing occurred? Maybe, if Light never got his memories of being Kira back, he could at least avoid the death sentence; however, L seriously doubted that.
Actually, L had once worked on a case in which the perpetrator did have amnesia. He'd killed his wife's lover, and while trying to escape police, he had sustained a serious brain injury. He had severe amnesia and couldn't remember a thing. L had only worked the case because he was extremely bored. The case was practically open and shut, but the local police had some doubts about what happened. Apparently, some theorized that it could have been self-defense. It hadn't been, but not even the suspect himself had known that. In the end, L found proof that it was pre-meditated murder in half of an afternoon and was subsequently plunged back into boredom. It was such a stupidly simple case that he hadn't even bothered to check what the ruling at the man's trial had been. He mildly regretted that now, as it would possibly give him some insight on the Light problem. Maybe he would take a few minutes to look into it once they were back at headquarters.
And then, L was suddenly thrust out of his thoughts as a screeching sound filled his ears, shortly followed by the sound of metal crunching and pain, and L didn't even have time to figure out what had happened before his vision went dark and he fell into unconsciousness.
XXX
When L felt the darkness lifting, he still wasn't sure what had happened, and he hated it. He was used to knowing everything that was going on, and he didn't like not knowing why he was so confused or why he seemed to be lying down in a bed or why the lights above him seemed to be so bright or why he felt a dull ache throughout his entire body. He had to fight to open his eyes, and as soon as he did, he regretted it. Really, why were the lights so bright? Even if he had unwillingly fallen asleep, he was sure that Watari would have turned off the lights. But had he fallen asleep? He slept in a bed so rarely; usually, he would just pass out wherever he was sitting once every few days. What was going on?
Eventually, L won the fight to keep his eyes open for longer than a fraction of a second.
"Ryuzaki?"
L could hear someone talking, but he wasn't sure who it was yet. He forced himself to blink a few times as his eyes got used to the light.
"Do you think he's really awake this time?"
"I don't know, Matsuda. Maybe we should be quiet in case he isn't, though?"
"Oh. Yeah."
Matsuda. Okay, he knew Matsuda. Matsuda was on the taskforce. He was probably one of the voices. That's why the other voice said his name. But who was the other one? Why can't he think straight? This isn't normal. He, of all people, shouldn't have this much trouble recognizing a voice.
It took L a few more minutes, or maybe longer, he wasn't sure, to finally adjust to being awake. He couldn't remember the last time his thoughts had been so jumbled, and even though he wouldn't admit it, he was a bit scared. He had absolutely no idea what was going on.
"Hey, I think he's really waking up this time!"
"Don't shout, Matsuda."
"Sorry…"
L's eyes were really open now, and he glanced around the room. Yes, there was Matsuda, standing to his left with a worried expression on his face. Why is Matsuda worried? Soichiro Yagami was standing by the door to the room, and as he saw the man, L realized he was in the hospital. He stored that realization for a moment while he took in the rest of the room. Light was sitting in a chair on his right, wearing a similarly worried expression. Light had a bandage on his nose, and half of his face was bruised. What happened?
"Wh-" L tried to speak but found the act far more difficult than it should have been.
Matsuda quickly went to a table by the bed and took something off of it. He brought it up to L's mouth, and as cold liquid passed through his lips, L realized that it was a cup of water. After drinking most of the cup's contents, L felt a bit of clarity returning to himself.
"What happened? What's going on?" he asked, inwardly cringing at the fact that fear and uncertainty had crept into his voice.
Matsuda bit his lip, his eyes darting down to the floor. Light shifted in his chair, continuing to look at the detective but not saying anything. In the end, it was Soichiro who answered.
"There… there was a car crash," the man told him. "While you were driving back to headquarters, a drunk driver ran a red light and crashed into your car."
L stared at the older man, his words not fully sinking in yet. A car crash?
Soichiro nodded stoically, and that's when L looked down at himself. He had a cast on one of his legs and tight bandages wrapped around his ribs. Now, he could feel something wrapped around his head, and he could see that his exposed arms, attached to an IV, were mottled with small wounds and bruises. Light was also very clearly injured. Both he and Light, who were both in the car, were both injured. Except there was a third person driving that car.
"W-Where's Watari?" L questioned, his voice sounding even more fearful.
Somewhere in his mind, L already knew the answer.
Soichiro took a deep breath in while Matsuda reached out a hand to clasp his own, giving it a comforting squeeze. No. Even before Soichiro spoke, L felt his heart freeze over.
"The driver crashed directly into the driver's side of the car," responded the man, his steady voice sounding a bit choked-up. "Watari… He died in the ambulance."
And with those words, L felt his entire world fall apart.
XXX
It had been a few days since L was released from the hospital. He was far from healed, and the cast on his leg prevented him from sitting in his typical crouched stance. He told himself that that was the reason why he could barely think straight.
When he had first been told of Watari's death, L had flipped out. He screamed that they were lying and cried and tried to get out of the bed to prove that they were wrong somehow. Surely, if he could get out of bed and show that he was fine, then the crash must not have happened, and Watari was okay. Even he wasn't entirely sure where that flawed logic had come from, but it hadn't mattered because Matsuda had kept him from getting up until a nurse arrived and injected him with something that made him calm down. While he had been in the hospital, L was a mess. It was bad enough that one of the doctors suggested he talk to a grief counselor and handed him a paper with the contact information for some in the area. L had crumpled it up and thrown it away as soon as the doctor left the room.
Now, sitting in a chair with his leg propped up, L felt completely numb.
Watari had been his only meaningful human contact for years, and the man had raised him ever since the day he entered the orphanage. He had been his confidant, his friend, his father. And apparently, L hadn't been nearly as prepared for the old man's death as he thought he was.
He was trying to work on the Kira case. Trying, because he knew he wasn't really getting much done. He was sure the taskforce was aware of his lack of productivity as well, but they weren't saying anything about it given the circumstances. But even though he knew he wasn't currently useful, L continued to try because he knew Watari would want him to continue working on the Kira case. The man had raised him to be the greatest detective in the world, so that's what he would be, even if he felt more like the scared and lonely child he had been before Watari had entered his life.
"...Ryuzaki? I brought you some cake," a soft voice spoke from behind him.
"…I'm not hungry, Matsuda."
"But you haven't eaten anything since you've left the hospital…"
"I'm not hungry."
L didn't turn to look at him, but he knew the other man was shifting awkwardly on his feet.
"Well, I'll just leave it here for when you're hungry later, then!" Matsuda told him as he set the cake down, his voice full of fake cheerfulness in misguided attempt to cheer the detective up.
They both knew that L wasn't going to eat the cake. He hadn't eaten anything that Matsuda had brought him, no matter how delicious the desserts must have been. He'd been forced to eat in the hospital, but eating felt like too much of a hassle, and every bite he took made the churning weight in his stomach grow heavier. He had almost thrown up a few times, and he had only managed to prevent himself from doing so by reminding himself that throwing up would likely extend his stay at the hospital. As it was, L didn't think he could stomach much more than the sweetened tea he had been taking small sips of.
The rest of the taskforce watched the exchange, but L didn't particularly care what they thought about it. He hadn't really cared for their opinions in the first place, but now, he didn't care about much at all. So, what did it matter that Aizawa and Soichiro were mumbling about something in the corner? What did it matter that Light kept shooting him silent, concerned glances? Who cared how many pieces of cake Matsuda sat on the table in front of him? He certainly didn't.
By the time L managed to get himself out of his thoughts again, he realized that over an hour had passed, and he hadn't actually done a single thing.
XXX
L had fainted earlier in the morning. Despite Matsuda's repeated attempts to feed him, as well as the less frequent attempts by the rest of the team, L had hardly taken a bite of anything for days. It wasn't that he wasn't hungry; after all, he used to snack quite often, and he normally would have been mindlessly eating some kind of sugary thing Watari had brought him. But that was the problem. It wasn't Watari who was bringing him the sweets anymore, and it never would be again. Watari was gone, and every time Matsuda or Light or someone else tried to hand him something, the reminder would crash over him like a wave of ice-cold water.
At some point, Matsuda had somehow convinced him to eat a bite of pie, and, unlike during his stay in the hospital, he actually threw it up. Somewhere in his floating thoughts, he knew that he wasn't really sick, that it was only his grief and anxiety making him nauseous, but that didn't make him feel any better. If anything, it was worse, because the flu would go away. He doubted that the grief would.
But yes, L had fainted that morning. It wasn't for very long; only for a few seconds, but those few seconds had been enough to send him crashing to the floor. Hopefully, it hadn't affected his healing leg bones. When he came to, Light and Matsuda were kneeling next to him, shaking him and asking if he was okay, while the rest of the team stood above them. L had shaken off the two of them and sat up. He had attempted to stand, but that just threw him into a spell of dizziness, and it was becoming increasingly obvious that his blood sugar was far too low. Light, being the first to realize this, ran to the kitchen and returned with some juice cookies. It was after L refused them both, still feeling nauseous, that Aizawa had apparently had enough.
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" the man had yelled. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU JUST FAINTED, AND YOU STILL WON'T EAT ANYTHING?!"
L stared down at the floor. It wasn't because Aizawa was yelling; it was because he just couldn't be bothered to hold his head up at the moment. Aizawa let out an angry growl before taking a deep breath and calming himself down a bit. The fact that he had done so, and did it so quickly, was rather surprising.
"Look, Ryuzaki, we get it. You just lost someone you care about," the man spoke, far more softly than L would have ever expected. "But you know that Watari wouldn't have wanted you to starve yourself."
Hearing Watari's name out loud hurt. Granted, it wasn't even actually the man's real name, but it was one of the names L called him. The detective knew that Aizawa was right in this case, but he had also just thrown up the little bit of food he had eaten.
"I feel nauseous," L had responded monotonously.
Aizawa pinched his nose. Meanwhile, the other taskforce members silently watched the exchange, ready to step in if they had to.
"You're smart enough to know that not eating can make you nauseous," said Aizawa. "And if you don't eat something, I'm dragging your ass back to the hospital."
L didn't know what to say to that because Aizawa might be right again. He had already been nauseous from the grief itself, but maybe he was only making it worse? But still, even looking at the cookies Light was still holding made him want to dry-heave at the moment. He let out a deep sigh, hating that other people were seeing him when he was like this.
"Fine. I'll try to eat something," L acquiesced, looking up. "But I really don't want to eat sweets right now, and if I throw up again, I'll blame you."
L hadn't thought he would ever say he didn't want to eat sweets. But right now, they reminded him too much of Watari. Everyone else, apparently, was just as shocked, because L saw their eyed widen. Not wanting to risk L taking back what he said, however, no one made any comments. Light merely stood back up and swapped the cookies out for a sandwich.
L had been able to eat half of it, and he begrudgingly admitted to himself that he felt a bit better. He wasn't going to admit it out loud, though. Before long, Matsuda had helped L get back up, and they got back to work on the case. With his mind somewhat clearer than it had been since Watari's death, L had actually managed to make a bit of progress on the case.
For now, at least, he was a little bit okay.
XXX
They weren't getting anything done in the investigation. They had hit right into a brick wall and couldn't seem to find anything new. Of course, they probably would have found something by now if L wasn't currently like this. Earlier in the day, it seemed like Light had found a lead, but it led to a dead end so quickly that the entire taskforce seemed to be in a bad mood now. Actually, L's mood was perhaps the best out of all of them, since, rather than feeling disappointed or frustrated, he was mostly still numb and barely able to hold onto thoughts of the case, let alone be angry about it. The slight lifting of his grief the other day had been painfully temporary, and the numb fog that had surrounded him was back with a vengeance. Nevertheless, he did still have enough processing power to notice that they weren't getting anywhere and that the team was in poor spirits and that it was mostly his fault.
L mindlessly stabbed a fork into the piece of pound cake that Matsuda had given him earlier. He had only managed to eat two bites of it before he started feeling sick to his stomach. L, having not really been interested in sweets lately, somewhat regretted eating even that much of it, but the other man had seemed to be ecstatic over the fact that he had eaten anything at all. Unfortunately, that happiness had faded into frustration at this point. The detective pressed down on the cake with the back of his fork, a few crumbs squeezing between the prongs while most of the area beneath the piece of silverware was crushed beneath it.
Watari would have normally been the one to bring him this cake, not Matsuda.
The sudden thought hurt, and he tried to force it away, but of course, the one type of thought he didn't want to have was the only one that didn't slip away from his grasp. Instead, it held onto him, tangled itself around him, and forced him to remember that the old man was dead. He felt tears prick at his eyes, but he refused to cry in front of the taskforce yet again. They had already seen far too much of his vulnerable side, and L didn't want them to see any more. Without moving, he glanced at the nearest clock. It was rather late. Soon, the taskforce members would start filing out of the room. Well, Light was still staying at headquarters, but he slept in a different room than L. L considered whether he should just tell the young man to move back home since he wasn't even really monitoring him anymore. He truly couldn't be bothered to do it. Normally, he wouldn't allow for potential evidence to slip through his fingers, but he didn't care at the moment. Besides, he was 95% sure that Light did not currently have any memories of being Kira, and he definitely wasn't currently acting as Kira. Unless something suddenly happened to return his memories to him, L doubted that anything bad would happen if he was free to leave.
It wasn't long before the taskforce members did start to leave, with Aizawa being the first to go. He was probably anxious to see his wife and daughter. One by one, the team left. Matsuda hesitated before he left, eventually attempting to give L a comforting pat on the shoulder and some empty words about having a good night. L only allowed it because it was Matsuda and he didn't want to hurt the idiot's feelings by snapping at his kindness. It definitely wasn't because the pat reminded him of Watari's pats when the detective was younger, and it definitely wasn't because the action was actually a bit comforting. Soon, it was only L, Light, and Soichiro left at headquarters. L wondered why Soichiro didn't appear to be getting ready to go. Perhaps he wanted to discuss something with Light?
L heard the older man clearing his throat behind him, and he realized he was wrong. It wasn't Light he wanted to talk to.
"Ryuzaki…," the man started. "I think you should take a break from the case. At least for a few days."
The detective stared back at him blankly. Before he could protest, Soichiro continued.
"I know what it's like to lose your father. My father died when I wasn't much older than you," he said solemnly.
L wanted to tell the man that he didn't know how old L was, but he figured that the man did probably have a somewhat-accurate estimate of his age. And besides, it wasn't really important.
"You don't seem to be able to work on the case right now. None of us fault you for it, but if you aren't able to work on the case anyway, you might as well allow yourself to grieve properly, Ryuzaki," Soichiro continued. "And the case isn't going anywhere right now anyway. We will probably have to wait for something to happen before we can proceed. There's nothing wrong with you taking a few days off."
The detective chewed at his thumb for a while, acting as though he was considering the idea. In reality, he had already decided he wasn't going to go along with Soichiro's idea. Even if his workaholic brain would allow him to not at least attempt to work on the case, what was he supposed to do by himself for a few days? Cry alone in his room? At least if he was trying to work, he would be around the taskforce, and as much as he loathed to admit it to himself, he had grown somewhat used to having people around now. Being alone again, without even Watari, was not an appealing option.
"You don't have to be alone the whole time, Ryuzaki," Light suddenly added from where he was sitting, having guessed the reason for part of L's hesitation. "I can stay with you, and I'm sure the other taskforce members wouldn't mind keeping you company for a bit."
Soichiro was looking down at L with a face that made it clear that, even if L refused, he would probably insist on the detective taking some time off. L sighed.
"I'll consider it."
Knowing that that was the best he was going to get for now, Soichiro gave a small nod.
"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, Ryuzaki. Light."
And with that, Soichiro left headquarters, leaving L and Light alone. L stood up.
"It's late," he stated simply. "I think I am going to go to bed."
Light nodded and stood to go to his own room. In the morning, no one mentioned the fact that L's eyes were red.
XXX
This was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
In the end, L had been forced into taking some time off, even though he had continued to try to work on the case. He'd attempted to protest, but with the rest of the taskforce against him and his recent behavior undermining his previous authority, L didn't stand much of a chance at changing their minds. In the corner of his mind, he knew that they were probably right, but still, the detective hoped that he could at least pretend things hadn't changed.
But he couldn't.
As it was, Matsuda had been sitting with him in his bedroom. The two of them had been watching television together silently. L silently mused that he couldn't remember the last time he had watched something just for the sake of it rather than for a case. The show itself was rather boring and downright idiotic at times, but L didn't mind so much right then. It didn't stimulate his brain at all, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe the fog that had enveloped his mind was a mixed blessing. After all, clear thinking risked allowing thoughts of Watari to surface too easily.
The two of them were sitting on the bed, only an inch between them. When L let his body lean a little closer, just close enough to barely touch the other man, Matsuda said nothing, though he seemed to lean a little closer as well.
It was such a strange feeling he had right then. In fact, L didn't feel entirely like himself. Not long ago, he would have never tolerated Matsuda touching him, let alone been the one to initiate the contact. He wouldn't have denied sweets or requested food that wasn't a dessert. He wouldn't have allowed himself to take a break from a case until it was done, no matter who desired otherwise. He wouldn't be sitting here and, really, doing nothing. His mind wouldn't be covered in a dense fog that slowed his thoughts and made him feel stupider than ever before.
Everything was different now. It was different.
L pretended he didn't notice Matsuda's hand slowly coming to rest on his back. He wouldn't admit that it was comforting, but that didn't mean he couldn't feel comforted by it.
XXX
They had cornered Higuchi, and the man claimed that he killed using a notebook, of all things. At first, he just thought that Soichiro must have gone mad when he started screaming about a monster. But then, L had touched the notebook himself and felt his veins fill with ice. Shinigami were real. Gods of Death were real. And that was the power of Kira.
L was so shocked that he couldn't even think to stop Light from taking the Death Note.
And when L saw that old look return to Light's eyes, a thought came to the forefront of the detective's mind.
Maybe it was a fortunate thing that Watari died when he did.
XXX
This ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would…
I hope you enjoyed reading this!
Thanks for reading!