One day Donkey Kong was jerking off to pictures of Maid Marian from Disney's Robin Hood. But then he got a letter that said, "meet me at the beach at 4PM. Don't bring any friends or I'll bomb your house." Donkey Kong was very scared. But he went anyway. When he got there, a Kong who looked like a slightly smellier version of Donkey Kong was standing there.
"Who are you?" DK asked.
"Ahahaha, so they've erased me from the history books, I see," said the mysterious anthropomorphic gorilla. "Have you really forgotten me, brother?"
"Brother?!" said Donkey Kong. "I ain't got no siblings, bitch."
"But alas, I am your long lost brother... Dookie Kong!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaieeeee!" said Donkey Kong.
"Me and my bretherin found gold in California and got filthy fucking rich years ago!" said Dookie Kong. "But the government has suppressed us for decades with taxes and economic regulations, so much so, that my own brother has forgotten me!"
"What do you want?" asked Donkey Kong.
"You must kill President Gary Johnson or..." Dookie Kong then pulled his prisoner out of his backpack... "Lil Pump gets it!"
"No!" said Donkey J. Kong, "not my favorite rapper!"
"What will you do, Donkey Kong? Fix this economic wrongdoing? Or cause a preventable death?"
"Help me, Donkey Kong!" said Lil Pump.
Donkey Kong screamed and held his head in his hands, as the weight of the decision crushed his spirit. He went into a catatonic state. Will he ever return to our plane of consciousness?
Find out in Chapter 2!