Juli and Veronica did a lot of walking. Sometimes, they shot things. All the while, Juli remained in the state she always was around people she didn't know well (which meant basically everybody) - a fluttering heartbeat, frayed nerves, weak shakiness in her fingers and toes that made her head feel so heavy late at night when she tricked herself into falling asleep. She had grown accustomed to Boone and felt she could say with some confidence that he wouldn't be stabbing her in the back any time soon. With Veronica, it felt like she was back to square one.
Not that Veronica wanted to keep it that way.
She rambled on endlessly about anything and everything - weapons, weapons repairs, suits of power armor, which Juli had only ever heard of, never seen. She spoke about the people she had back home, and by the end of the first two weeks of their new journey into the Mojave together, Juli could say with some confidence that she knew every single person and their relation both to one another and to Veronica in intimate detail. These conversations helped on some days and hurt on others. Others still, they made Juli angry. She had a suspicion that this was Veronica's way of opening the door. If Veronica shared, then maybe Juli would too. Veronica was sneaky that way.
Juli would never be bought.
The intention was probably innocent, but the idea felt manipulative to Juli, which made her annoyed. Veronica spoke to her sometimes as if she was a child too, like she couldn't understand, which was probably because Veronica knew her first language wasn't English. This didn't make Juli stupid, she sometimes wanted to snap, but she bit back her tongue often because that was what she felt like doing.
Not worth the effort of getting into a spat. What if Veronica left? She'd be all alone again. That wouldn't be terrible, but it certainly wasn't preferred.
At any rate, by the end of a month of bouncing around here and there without any real solid leads on Benny, Juli's temper was up, her blood boiling. Veronica had claimed to know where she was going more than once, and each time they seemed to be moving further and further north. They needed to go south, Juli pressed over and over, each time with less patience and renewed exasperation.
She was sure Veronica noticed, but it was obvious even if she did that Veronica didn't care. There seemed to be a deliberateness to her madness, but Juli didn't feel as if she had time for games. Somehow, with Boone gone, it was like there wasn't enough time anymore, like there was some deadline approaching.
It was probably because she said she'd be back for him, and weeks had passed and still they had not reunited. She didn't feel ready, but the urgency that the length of time of their separation and all that it implied weighed on her. Juli felt that the longer she waited the less likely it would be that she would ever find him again because he wouldn't want to be found.
All of this made Juli grumpier than ever, and once more, Juli's fatigue with being psychoanalyzed made her snap out at Veronica. Finally, Veronica relented, giving Juli the reins reluctantly, as if Juli wouldn't be able to handle it, like Juli was some kid who needed protection. Boone had done that too, but he let her carry her own weight when she asked for it, every time.
She wasn't some baby to be coddled. She was an adult. English was not a prerequisite.
She was tired of being judged by Veronica, who thought she'd really "lived" just because she'd heard of something once.
Juli's patience with this tendency had worn thin. The constant sounds Veronica made, she thought, were intended to help Juli.
Made Juli sad.
Time passed and Veronica pretended not to notice that Juli got quieter than usual, which was saying something.
"Do you know where you're going?" Veronica asked Juli.
Juli made an "mm" noise of affirmation, stared at the empty horizon.
"So where is that?"
"We must pass through Nipton to get to the Mojave Outpost to resupply and check on our destination. I hope to meet up with a caravan there to get a better sense of our heading."
"That sounds like a good plan."
"Do not sound surprised," Juli replied dryly.
Veronica glanced at Juli in surprise.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means I am not a child," Juli reminded her friend.
"Well...I know that."
"You speak to me and about me as if I am a dangerous animal or a fragile object. Don't."
"Do I?" Veronica faked, offering a false laugh. "I don't mean to do that."
"Yes, you do. You are worried for my mental health. Stop."
Veronica hesitated now as they walked side by side, and for the first time ever, she didn't seem to know what to say.
Juli had long since begun to recognize the plants and the seeds, the railroad, and the tracks that led to Nipton, and she knew they were drawing close. She was no NCR Ranger, but she remembered the smells with heightened acuity. It was hard to forget milestones like Nipton, where she'd first bonded with Boone and killed her first Legionnaire to put a stamp on her freedom. Left a tense feeling in her abdomen and a sloshing jelly in her stomach.
It didn't help the conversation.
"I just want to help," Veronica supplicated, her tone taking on an edge.
"I did not ask for help," was Juli's reply, her tone even.
"But I think you need it."
"That is not for you to decide," Juli chided.
"But you can't possibly think you're doing okay."
The implications felt like an accusation, and Juli turned now to Veronica, stopping in her tracks.
"I do not speak because I choose not to, which is an exercise in restraint I believe may help you sometimes!"
"At least I know I'm dealing with stuff!" Veronica bit back. "How are people supposed to help you if you never say anything?"
"I did not ask for help, and you have not asked me questions."
"And if I would, would you answer?"
"No!" Juli cried out defensively.
"And why not?"
"You would not understand, and you do not!"
"How do you know what I've been through? Maybe I could help!"
"You cannot help. You do not understand."
"How do you know?"
"Nothing can help."
"That seems a little dramatic, doesn't it?" Veronica spat, rolling her eyes.
"You tell me of suffering as if I do not know it, but what did you know of hardship in your bunker?" Juli accused.
She began to count on her fingers.
"You have food, you have clean water, you have power, you have guns. You know where you sleep, you know your job. What do you have to complain about?"
"You think I haven't been through stuff?" Veronica shot back, clearly hurt by the claim.
"No, I never said that," Juli replied, toning done her voice, even as her heart beat stronger than ever. "I just think you pry on things you don't want to open. I am not a can of good food. I am a can of rotten food that is expired and not good to eat. Nobody is making you pry it open, but once the lid is off, the stink is in the air. You don't want that. It's rot. I'm rot."
Veronica blinked now, the mask she always wore slipping away, revealing pain at Juli's words.
"Don't say that, Juli," Veronica whispered, reaching for her friend.
"It is true," Juli dismissed, waving away her friend's hand. "I'm sick now because of it, but that doesn't mean I have to tell someone about it."
She began walking again, and Veronica jogged a little to catch up.
"I try not to be bitter for this," Juli explained. "I do not always succeed, but that is my fight."
"Don't you ever let up?"
"I cannot."
"But I think you can."
"I cannot."
"You're just being stubborn now."
They were reaching the precipice of Nipton now where the tracks ran into the town, forming a sort of corner that would reveal the devastation from before. Too late, all too late, Juli glanced at Veronica.
"Speak no more of this. We are approaching death."
Something in Juli's tone must have stayed Veronica's tongue, but she did ask,
"What's that mean?"
"Nipton is now the City of Death. Prepare yourself."
They finally rounded the rock, standing at the edge of the road that had faded into the waves of sand that had obviously consumed it over years of decay and heat. Beyond that, the white ashes remained. Black scars ran up the buildings that remained, and charred corpses of things that were once homes with people in them had collapsed on either side, making the entire place seem almost comically short, as if the two of them were giants. A single swingset swayed as a gust of wind shot through the husk of a place, which creaked eerily as the wind caught some of the corners, whistling in its solitude like the screams of broken souls whose last moments knew only of suffering. At the far edge of the place were the graves she and Boone had buried, mounds that she was both pleased and hurt to see had settled as time had passed in the months since they'd done the deed.
The markers remained, pieces of glass and sticks twined together with pieces of trash and cloth to form makeshift crosses. The flowers and plants that the two of them had picked were in some places strewn across into the street, obviously blown over. In other places, the plants, long since wilted and browned, had remained, desperate reminders that somebody somewhere remembered what happened.
Next to the graves were the enormous crosses, enormous versions of their marker counterparts, where bloodstains remained at each edge where hands and feet had been nailed. Their stains had faded into a light brown color in the sunlight, but Juli remembered. The pile of burnt corpses that had still smoldered when she and Boone had left originally was still there, and unsettling stick figures of bone and muscly sinew that just wouldn't burn was all that was left behind to indicate that the pile wasn't of animals or livestock, but people.
Juli's throat constricted, but she took a step forward. Veronica seemed to fade away as she approached the graveyard, dropping her belongings to lower onto her knees, where she bowed her head to pray. She prayed for their peace, for their safety, that they made it into heaven, wherever that was, because they'd earned it in their last, dying moments through a trial of fire and terror. Juli no longer felt the stab of the pain of their absence, and the more she prayed the easier she felt about their passage. At least, wherever they were, she hoped that they were able to rest now. The knowledge brought her some level of peace, and though the corpse of a place was still very sad, it no longer had the bite that it had when she'd first passed through here.
Juli remained for a long time before standing again when she realized for the first time that she was standing alone.
Juli shot up, twirling around but didn't see anyone.
"V?"
A nickname, easier to say than "Veronica."
Nothing.
"Veronica?" she called louder.
No answer. Juli forgot her irritation, her anger, as alarm pounded through her veins. She jogged to retrace her steps when she saw Veronica's huddled figure, curled into a ball near the swingset, weeping.
Juli breathed out the name of her friend before sprinting over to her, where Veronica was laying on her side, shuddering with sobs that she emitted freely. Just once Veronica looked up into Juli's eyes. The expression startled her.
Veronica hadn't seen this before.
Her friend's sobs didn't relent as she approached her slowly. Juli was afraid she might spook Veronica, but Veronica just stared ahead now, transfixed on something across the clearing. Juli crouched down now, as if to see what a child might see, and tried to find what Veronica was so focused on.
Another grave, much smaller this time, maybe a third of the size of the others, and a worn teddy bear missing one eye that leaned against the rock that marked it.
Pity and understanding reached Juli, and any anger that may have built up inside of Juli towards Veronica for not understanding immediately evaporated. Juli reached out to take Veronica's hand, which was tucked, child-like, underneath her cheek as she stared at that little bear and all that it meant.
"Hey..." Juli offered.
Veronica continued to cry, but her sobs were hushed now, swallowed, deep, ugly noises that Juli understood and knew intimately.
Juli decided to move over to the baby's grave, stopped, waited for Veronica to stop her. She didn't. Juli bent down, her movements robotic, and picked up the bear, brought it back to Veronica, who, before Juli had even reached her, sat up and grabbed at it, clutching it to her chest.
It seemed to bring her back from that place in the middle where grief was king, and Juli was relieved to see that Veronica was capable of pushing through what Juli now recognized as familiar hurt.
"Did you do this?" Veronica breathed, squeezing that bear so hard that it if it were alive its other eye,which dangled by a thread, might have actually popped out.
"We did it," Juli corrected. "The graves and the flowers."
Veronica nodded, didn't see her, squeezed the bear.
"Good..." was all she said. "I'm sorry, I guess that I just..."
Veronica trailed off.
"Hey..." Juli offered again, was proud to say that she was able to give Veronica the gift of an understanding smile.
Veronica saw it, saw her then, and her expression changed to one emotion after the next, cycling through it as Juli knew she would have to.
"Stay with me if you can," Juli coached, reaching out to put a gentle hand on Veronica's shoulder.
Veronica intercepted it, clasped onto her fingers, squeezed it too.
"I'm sorry, I just wasn't...I was a little...surprised, and..."
"Do not apologize for this," was all Juli whispered, squeezing her friend's shoulder.
Veronica looked up at her, eyes wide.
Suddenly, they were sitting cross-legged across from each other, holding hands, looking at each other. Veronica looked at Juli as if she were a stranger.
"Was this the Legion?"
With the name of the dangerous group out in the open, Juli was reminded that the two of them were now very much unarmed in the middle of a clearing that could very well have been booby-trapped. Still, there was no longer smoke billowing from the decrepit buildings, and gone with it were any warning signs of immediate danger.
"This was the Legion," Juli confirmed simply.
"You and NCR killed them?"
"Like animals, Veronica."
"NCR helped?"
Veronica had a habit of bringing up Boone every chance she got, which had long since begun to annoy Juli, but this tone seemed different.
"Yes, Boone did most of it. I helped him. He is a very good shot."
"I hope he's okay..." Veronica muttered out loud, looking around. "Oh, I hope he's okay."
Juli squeezed her friend's hand, and every time she did Veronica's eyes flitted into Juli's, as if Veronica were surprised.
"This is not the worst he has seen, I am sure," Juli admitted truthfully.
She'd spilled her guts out in front of him with only a sliver of her story, and he'd done the same. Just that small glimpse of their true selves revealed much, most importantly that the two of them were sick. It was easy to lose yourself in the angst of someone else when trying to save them. It was a danger she frequently fell into by accident, and it was a habit she wanted to break. For both of their sake's.
It was a habit she couldn't fall into now. While she hadn't anticipated Veronica's reaction would be so strong, she thought better of the Brotherhood scout for it. She would be in it now with them. Juli didn't wish it on anyone, but Veronica had a window into their pain now. She always would.
"And you too?" Veronica asked.
"I have also seen other things," Juli confirmed, nodding compassionately. "But I have seen this many times."
Veronica's head was a swivel.
"Who would do this?" she asked again, eyes wide, barely aware. "What kind of person could do this?"
"Legion pigs..." Juli replied, spitting off to the side after she said it.
"What did they do?" Veronica asked, looking over at the graves.
"They didn't do anything," Juli answered, as if the answer were self-evident.
"But they must have done something..." Veronica whispered, her voice tight with forced admonition, the last crumbs of her innocence scrambling to find a reason for such senseless death.
"The Legion crucified everyone," Juli explained, her voice cold. "Women and children too. We caught them off guard and burned the bodies. Buried the rest. That is the Legion, V. They don't need a reason to hurt anyone."
"So Nipton is just gone?"
There was a long pause. Juli's heart pumped with renewed hatred of the men who dared to call themselves superior, at the men who played with life as if it were a game. The Legion couldn't pay enough for what they'd done in Nipton, but nothing would ever be enough.
The anger was good though. Both new and old, borrowed and returned. It made Juli cold, which gave her resolve, helped her help Veronica, who was clearly suffering. She felt the steely edge of her nerves begin to rebound from her weakest month as more and more days past, and the anger gave her focus, purpose.
"You've seen this before," Veronica stated, though it was clear from her tone that it was a question.
Juli nodded, feeling deja vu. Boone had asked almost in the exact same way.
"When?"
Juli's heart sank. Veronica's willingness to know meant she didn't really understand pain yet. But the door was open now, and it couldn't be closed. There was no turning back. Some things couldn't be unseen.
"My mama and baba were killed in a similar way," Juli finally explained, making sure to explain slowly to let Veronica process it.
It was the first time ever that the words had stumbled into the light in that particular order with that much openness. There was a plainness to them that surprised even Juli. The words sounded almost innocuous, like she was commenting on the weather.
Juli's stomach clenched.
Perhaps the coldness wasn't all good, after all.
"Legion?" Veronica asked, hysterics rising again with the single word in her throat.
"Yes."
Veronica exhaled.
"That's..."
It was clear Veronica didn't know what to say. The ice around Juli's heart didn't melt, and she felt herself scowling in a way that would have made Boone proud.
"I know," Juli replied, nodding.
Then, to break the tension, she forced out a sigh.
"The anniversary of this was last month. That was why...I don't know what Craig told you."
"I thought that was about..."
Veronica looked down at Juli's abdomen, and Juli pursed her lips before looking up at her friend again.
"Yes, that happened in the same month of the year. I think of it as the bad month. The bad times."
Veronica's eyes began to water again, and Juli squeezed her hand.
"Hey," Juli interrupted again. "We can leave."
"It's too late."
Veronica's anxiety was now palpable.
Juli had forgotten what it was like not to know pain, and she had become so accustomed to it that she realized her lack of warning about the state of Nipton was tragic and callous now. It really was too late, and for Veronica to be exposed to something so intense without warning was nothing short of cruel.
"I'm sorry," Juli whispered, tears in her eyes now. "I didn't realize how much this would upset you."
Veronica shrugged, glanced back at Juli.
"I don't know if that's a compliment or a complaint," Veronica breathed out.
"I mean...I forget sometimes...how bad this is."
They didn't speak for a long time.
"It doesn't hurt less," Juli explained eventually, "but you do get used to it."
"Yeah?"
Juli nodded as the two finally made their way up, standing, still holding hands. Neither spoke, but they walked into the shell of a town to retrieve their packs and guns. A gust of wind swept through it, which echoed eerily in the desolation of the heat and sand around them in every direction. The sun was low in the sky, and it cast long shadows against the graves she and Craig had dug. She glanced in one of the open buildings without a roof where she observed the blackened ashes of the camp they'd once made. It almost seemed like years ago now.
"Hey..." Veronica croaked.
Juli stopped, looked at her. Veronica had let go of her hand as they'd donned their gear, and her eyes were pinched, as if she were deep in thought. She bit her lip, glanced over her shoulder, then looked back up at Juli.
"Your village - did you have tech?"
"Oh, yes," Juli replied with the briefest hint of a smile. "We had agriculture and defenses and medicine."
"And the Legion wiped you out."
It was a question.
"Yes."
"What did they want?"
That was the question of questions, the end and the beginning.
"That is the question, isn't it?" was all Juli could say, and dammit, if she didn't hear her father's voice in her tone.
It was a question she'd asked herself a million and one times.
"Did they even take anything?"
"They never do."
"So what do they want?"
"I wish I knew, Veronica," Juli told her, feeling her throat constrict. "All they do is kill. They kill almost everyone right away."
"And everyone else?"
"In my village, they lock them up and burned the buildings down. Shot some."
"And here..." Veronica muttered, clearly getting at something.
"I came once before it was destroyed," Juli told her. "Not good, not bad. But nothing to take."
"And the Legion slaughtered them like dogs."
Juli approached her friend now, concerned at the tears growing in her eyes.
"What's the matter?" Juli asked.
Veronica jumped, blinked, tried to smile.
The effort was brave, and Juli thought better of her for it.
"The Brotherhood could have stopped this."
Now, Juli took a step back. Awkwardly, she shifted back and forth between her feet.
"No, Veronica. They are well armed and motivated. One group would have suffered the same fate as the rest."
"But we have technology. We could have stopped this!"
She sounded distraught now, and it was as much of anything real out of her friend as she had ever heard. As if this was the heart of her distress, she looked around, sobbed again.
"It is easy to think this," Juli tried to comfort, but Veronica shrugged her off.
"You don't understand! We're sitting on tech that could have helped people, saved people!"
Juli considered this.
"Do the leaders understand the Legion?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do they know how dangerous they are?"
"They should! I've harped on it enough times but I've never...never seen it like this. Not up close."
"And they do nothing?"
"And they do nothing!" Veronica affirmed, yelling out angrily. "Which is irresponsible! It's one thing to hear about it, another thing to see it up close! I had no idea it was so...no idea..."
"Why does this make you so angry?"
"Because we have the power to do something about it and we do nothing! Do you know what that means?"
"Yes, that your people are responsible," Juli said simply.
There was no anger in it, but Veronica turned back to look at Juli as if she'd said it in anger anyway. At first, her eyes scrunched together with horror, then rage. Then, finally, the worst, understanding. With the words having been spoken so plainly, Veronica no longer had a back door to fall back on. It was the truth.
"You're right," Veronica finally breathed out in agreement. "The Legion are just ordinary guys with knives and bullets, and they're taking over Nevada."
"Yes, they are."
They left Nipton together silently, deep in thought. As the sun finally fell and they broke to make camp, Juli offered,
"I hope your people choose where they will make their stand soon, or there won't be much left to fight over."
Veronica sighed.
"Me too."
They set up camp in silence and then both pretended to go to sleep.
Later on, maybe a day or two later, Veronica cooked a delicious meal for Juli, was able to smile again, laugh. It was impressive, her ability to rebound. Juli was more than a little petulant about it. At least, until they leaned back to go to sleep.
"Hey. In Nipton..."
Juli stiffened, wanting not to talk about it.
But all Veronica whispered was,
"Thanks, I won't forget it," before rolling over to go back to sleep.
Veronica and Juli rested once they reached Mojave Outpost. The children remembered her, and they stopped to resupply. She met up with the woman Cass again, who this time took it upon herself to throw herself at Veronica, who seemed more willing than Boone had been. This didn't surprise Juli, but when she left the small drinking area alone, staggering through the darkness in a somewhat buzzed haze, she thought of Boone and felt loneliness.
She wondered where he was and supposed he probably wasn't thinking of her. Then, as she collapsed into the large bed that had been rented to she and Boone before, removing her sidearm to place it in her hand under her pillow, she reconsidered. In a rare moment of honesty with herself, she giggled drunkenly from her throat. He probably was thinking of her. That seemed to be all he did.
Because they were partners and friends in a strange, messed up kind of way. If they met again, she'd have to work to fix it. She wanted to fix it.
Actually, she just wanted to be around him again.
But part of her felt shame, the other part angry. She wasn't sure why for either, but she just didn't want to deal with it yet. Maybe she wouldn't have to. Maybe she'd never see him again. Maybe he died.
No! she reprimanded herself, grunting a little.
The thought had caused a considerable amount of pain to course through her veins, and she found herself stopping her ruminating to say a little prayer for his safety, which she did almost every night, but tonight with special urgency.
She prayed for him to be safe, and more than that, to be stable. More than that, she knew, she could hardly hope for, but stability had its perks, and that would at least keep him alive.
When Juli slept that night, she dreamt of him.
He was naked on the bank of a river with an equally naked woman, whose face Juli couldn't see. Juli watched as if behind a tree as Craig whispered with the woman, whose rich, beautiful laugh carried up into Juli's ears, making Juli's stomach twist up in knots with both envy and pain. His eyes gleamed in the sun as he leaned over and kissed the woman's neck, putting his rough fingers against flesh in gentle, intimate ways that were so totally opposite his personality. He spoke gently to her, into her ear, in Juli's own tongue, which wouldn't have made sense anywhere but in her dream.
Still, it aroused her, which was a big deal. Juli felt a warm pulsing in her center shift and then awaken as if from a long sleep, pulsing faintly at first but then far more prominently. It came from deep inside of her, and the movement again caused her to shift and stir to distract herself from the wanting.
Juli remained in her hiding place, despite this pulsing, as she watched him stand up. She saw his manhood exposed, but he seemed to be enjoying the attention she was trying to hide. He turned to saunter languidly into the water, his legs stretching and moving, his ass twisting and turning, gleaming in the sunlight, and she watched him lower himself into the water down to his waist, which curved seductively into his pelvis.
Suddenly, Craig's eyes turned to meet Juli's as if he knew she'd been there all along. Juli's heart began to pound along with her center. He smirked, whispering, still in her tongue,
"Do you like to watch me?"
Juli didn't know how to answer. She did, but it had been so long that she felt like it would have been fine if she never had again. Now that the monster called arousal was awake, her heady felt light, her pulse quick, her gaze erratic, betraying her desires as it flitted across the most intimate parts of his body.
He outstretched his hand, smiled a toothy grin that was almost disturbing on his mouth.
So free of pain. Not Boone.
Then, she realized, that was the picture of him with Carla from the photo she'd handed him. How different his smile was then, and how strange his face looked now with it plastered on.
It was uncanny, but also very unsettling.
"You need to wash off too, you know," he urged. "I know you want to join me. Come in the water. If you wash it off with me, it can make you clean."
Still, Juli remained behind the tree, and her eyes snapped back to the naked woman. Boone's eyes followed hers, and he frowned.
"She's on the riverbank," Juli finally answered Boone's call, as if it were explanation enough.
"Is that what's keeping you from joining me?"
"She'll always be on the riverbank," Juli said, this time firmer and sadder and angrier. "And I don't mind hiding behind the tree. I'll just let you wash off and watch from here."
"But then you'll never get clean. Come on, we have to do it together."
"I'm used to being dirty," Juli protested, shrugging. "Besides, I don't want Carla to watch. I know she's your wife, I just..."
Juli hung her head, then looked up at him, supplicating.
"She is your wife, Craig."
Her tone gave away her disappointment, the rejection she felt, the loneliness, which she and her mind had shoved away with full force until that exact moment.
When it was in the open, Juli realized in a rush that she was attracted to her friend, and jealous of a woman who, even in death, kept him from her.
"I can't control where she goes," he told her, shaking his head.
"It isn't about you."
She also didn't want to anger the woman who likely deserved Boone more. Juli struggled with the guilt of her survival every day. Boone deserved somebody not like that, not like her. He deserved somebody better. He would never want her.
Besides, she was no longer menstruating. She hadn't for a long time, not since...
Tears were in Juli's eyes as these revelations shoved through her psyche.
"So you aren't getting in because there's someone else?" he asked her quietly, sadness lacing his tone. "You have someone on the riverbank too, you know, but I don't hold that against you."
Then, unbidden, a familiar face emerged in her dreams that had long since faded away into memory, handsome and terrible and forgotten.
"Hey, love..." his voice whispered.
"You do not know him!" Juli shot back at Boone angrily. "I do not hold onto him the way you hold onto her!"
"What's the difference?"
"You'd rather be dead to be with her, and I'd rather be dead than be with him - or see him or talk to him! Ever again!"
"I can't take her back, Juli," Boone told her, his eyes sadder by the moment. "I didn't know you then."
"But you know me now and she's dead and I'm here and you still want to be with her! Like there's something wrong with me!"
"There's nothing wrong with you, but I'm not washing this dirt off without you. We have to do it together."
"No way!"
"Come on..." Boone whispered. "Get undressed and get in here with me."
As if the words made it so, Juli suddenly felt wind around her skin as her clothes evaporated as if they'd never been there. The tree, too, disappeared, and she bent inwards to cover herself with her arm and hands.
Boone smiled, laughed, and so did the woman.
"You just want to see me naked!" Juli cried out. "I'm not ready to be naked yet!"
"I've already seen you naked," he whispered to her, outstretching his hand again. "Come on now. Into the water."
"I want to see you naked before I get in the water," she told him, and Boone's face darkened as if this was an unreasonable demand.
"And why should I let you see that?"
"Eye for an eye," she told him. "It's what you're asking me to do."
"No," he replied angrily. "I only get naked for Carla."
The naked woman turned around, and Carla's beautiful smile shot back at Juli, whose laugh was enough to jolt her awake into the land of the living.
Juli shot off the pillow, inhaling sharply, and, across the bed, she heard Veronica shoot up as well.
"Who is it?" Veronica murmured, eyes closed, knife in hand.
"Nothing, sorry..." Juli whispered. "Go back to sleep."
Bleary-eyed, Veronica complied, but Juli couldn't relax. Her limbs shook, she felt a cold sweat on the nape of her neck.
A few things registered first.
Boone had been naked!
And she'd been aroused.
That was...new.
He'd tempted her with the river, and it felt wrong. She'd exposed herself, but that didn't mean she'd have to like it.
Her heart continued to race in her chest as she leaned back to rest again on the pillow, feeling a full bladder from drinking and a cold sweat developing on the nape of her neck.
He wanted her to wash off the grime with him. He wanted her there, but she wasn't ready.
What did that mean?
Juli wanted to watch him and enjoy the show, but he wouldn't go on without her, even though he wouldn't pay for it in the same way she was. Boone brought up him, made her dream about him for the first time in so long now that Juli honestly was surprised she could remember his face. Boone's insistence brought pain, and all she wanted to do was watch. Was that so much to ask?
Was it so unreasonable for her to feel hurt that Carla was on the riverbed, watching? Was it so bad that she wanted Carla to go away, just in the same way that Boone probably wanted her demons to go away too.
What a dream, Juli thought, going to relieve herself.
It felt like a sign. Juli prayed, grappled with her fear. She wanted to return to Boone, but he was a pusher. He pushed her limits, she pushed his. It hurt. It was scary. You couldn't let some of it in. It was all or nothing, but he asked for half, and she gave him all.
Too much.
Maybe another day or two and then they'd go look for him. She just wanted to get her head on straight. A day or two wouldn't kill anybody. It had only been three weeks since she'd seen him. It felt like a while, but it was enough. She could find him. Juli would consult Veronica in the morning about it.
Because that was the right choice, right?