Veronica had always been nosy. Where she grew up, she could hardly afford not to be. She wasn't the smartest. She didn't know the most languages. And the Vault had always been competitive, so it was sink or swim from an early age.
So, Veronica learned to watch and learn. Sure, she couldn't memorize lines of code at the same rate as her classmates, but she was able to leverage who they snuck away with, what their favorite treats were, what people were hiding, what they were allergic to. It became a habit to watch people, which meant she was often separated from them. Most of the time, Veronica didn't mind. She was a good audience, and her stage always had something interesting on display.
This, of course, only served, naturally, to give her a window to watch and learn the feelings, struggles, and distresses of others in favor of exploring her own. It was exactly for this reason that she'd learned to love and fear the Mojave - there was far more struggle out here than the insular vault of her upbringing, and the pain and anguish suffered by those who survived was often far more trying on a personal level than anything she had ever experienced before.
When Veronica watched Juli become withdrawn and pale-faced, it struck a nerve with her that she hadn't expected to feel. After all, Veronica had only been with Juli a short time, and though Veronica fought time and again to break through that polite veneer of Juli's civility, Veronica couldn't help but to feel like she'd finally met her match.
Juli cordially and kindly beat Veronica back with a stick and had from the start. She was open and honest about most of her experiences, but Veronica frequently reflected on the fact that she didn't know anything about Juli at all. What were Juli's favorite foods, she wondered? What kind of music did she like? Did she like to watch things or did she prefer to touch them? That often said a lot about a person.
Was she happy?
What did she want?
These were things that were normally so easy to pick up about a person for Veronica. But not with Juli. Instead, Juli discussed only light topics that were external to herself, and she seemed content to keep to her own brain as her own audience. In plain sight, she was like a visibly wounded animal whose injury had healed over wrongly that onlookers became so accustomed to that they no longer thought twice when she limped on by. She seemed so unaffected by the tribulations she sometimes mentioned in jest - and only in passing - that there were times when Veronica wondered if maybe Juli had suffered some kind of brain injury from that shot to the head.
Still, Juli's harsh honesty with others, which seemed mean at first, was sometimes the kindest and best parts of Veronica's day. She wasn't harsh to be unkind. She was harsh because her edges were rugged and weathered and she wanted others to be able to make it - through whatever it was they suffered. Juli was always upfront with everybody. She treated every person equally and was always respectful, even when they didn't deserve it. She gave everybody the benefit of the doubt. She gave and gave and gave, and people took.
It made Veronica want to give back.
So when Juli never smiled anymore, Veronica became truly alarmed. Juli didn't twitter to herself in Chinese. She didn't sing when she walked or whistle while she struggled with something Boone threw at her to clean. Her eyes remained downcast and her gaze listless and empty. She cooked only sometimes now and ate next to nothing when served. Shadows began to form under her heavy eyes, and the darkness already contained in them made her expression look dead and haunted.
Something had changed.
Almost without reason, perhaps by intuition alone, Veronica turned her attention to Boone.
He clenched his jaw and eyes quite frequently now, like headaches plagued him. He stuttered a little bit when he'd ask how Juli was feeling, if she was in pain, almost like he was nervous to ask. His body language was always stiff and rigid when she wandered too close, but she was quite aware of his proximity as well. When she'd start at his nearness, he'd offered her little smiles, brief and distant, little white flags made of cheeks and teeth, but his surrender was always rejected.
The smiles never quite made it to his voice or his eyes when his glasses were off, and his gaze would flit to the horizon while he clenched his jaw and fists, his tell, Veronica had learned, to indicate he was frustrated and antsy.
Juli spurned his attempt at connection with even more diligent avoidance than she did with Veronica. Though Juli was polite at first, her responses grew more and more curt every day until eventually they seemed downright chilly.
The more she withdrew, the more overt his attempts grew to establish a connection, the more desperate he seemed to search for some intimacy that Juli's coldness suggested had never been there. And the more overt his attempts became, the more withdrawn and angry she'd become, like a frightened animal being backed into a corner.
Until finally, one morning, he seemed to shut off. He returned late from his run, the only remarkable thing about that day at all, but the look on his face had returned to that cold, harsh thing that he used to wear before he and Juli had separated.
It was hard to look at directly, or hear, or see. It was like he became muted, like he snapped and any hint of rage, happiness, or sadness was gone. He spoke in his normally gravelled baritone, but the lilt of it had gone away.
Despite that, the man made sure Juli took her medicine every morning and night. He carried it in his bag and administered it to her. He never forgot. And when he did slip up, revealing a crack in that mask he'd put on to shield himself from Juli's indifference, his soft tones were quiet and gentle at a volume that only Juli could hear. It reminded Veronica very much of the cooing of a mother animal over her injured babies.
When Juli rejected those soft words by means of a grunt or a growl or some other one-word answer, Boone would withdraw again. In fact, Juli hardly ever answered him anymore with anything besides brief "hms" or "ahs", and it actually hurt Veronica to see the crestfallen, defeated look on his face emerge before withdrawing back into the placid, emotionless thing he wanted them all to believe he was.
Then, one day, Boone caught Veronica watching.
And he watched back. He didn't smile, but his eyes no longer chilled with hostility when he looked at her. He offered polite, albeit clipped, smalltalk, which obviously took effort on his part, and he sometimes performed physical or menial tasks for her without being asked.
And, despite what Juli obviously wanted all of them to think, she wasn't dumb. She'd never been dumb. In fact, sometimes, she seemed to notice so much that it was almost frightening to Veronica. So, when Juli, who'd been diligent avoiding Veronica for several weeks, suddenly requested to go on a walk with Veronica to "collect firewood," Veronica knew it wasn't just to make idle chatter.
Juli never did anything without a purpose.
"You watch me," Juli said once they were out of earshot of the men, her voice loud, clear, and cold.
Taken aback, Veronica swallowed before laughing uncomfortably. This was Juli's way of asking a question. It always made Veronica feel like she was being interrogated by an Elder.
"You don't look well," Veronica offered by way of explanation. "Do you need to go back to the hospital?"
Juli's mouth turned upwards at that.
"No...but thank you."
"Listen, I know you want to get to where you're going, but if you need to go back-"
"I don't."
"Then what's going on?"
Juli bent down to pick up a stray branch in their path. Then, she said,
"It's complicated."
"Maybe I can help."
"I don't think so, but your concern is...appreciated."
Like hell it is, Veronica thought to herself. She found herself sighing.
"Is this about Boone?" Veronica finally asked.
"Why?" Juli snapped, turning sharply to glance at Veronica. "Did he say something to you?"
Veronica laughed.
"Well, that's not suspicious."
Juli scowled.
"You and he are friends now," she explained. "Friends talk."
"Yeah, if we were friends," Veronica joked.
Juli didn't crack a smile.
Veronica's abdomen tightened at the coldness in Juli's gaze, but Juli let out a disgusted noise before Veronica could walk back her pressure.
"Will it make you feel better if you knew?" Juli nearly hissed, eyes trained on Veronica with harshness that had never been directed at her before.
"Obviously."
"Fine," Juli quipped. "What would you like to know?"
"Well, that's really for you to tell me, isn't it? What did he do? Did he...say something? Do something?"
"Both."
"And those things hurt your feelings?"
Juli scoffed loudly, but there was some indefinable tension in the twitches around her mouth and eyes that Veronica had never noticed before.
Not quite a tell, but close.
"Tell me how you really feel," Veronica drawled.
"I'm not a child," Juli defended suddenly.
Veronica wilted a little at that.
"No one said you were."
"You want me to cry and open up to you as a child would a mother."
"What do you want?"
"To have you stop bothering me about this and staring at me all the time."
"We both know I'm not gonna do that."
Juli seemed to ponder this and finally let out a resigned grunt.
"Fine. Boone kissed me."
Veronica's brow shot up, but when she noticed Juli's face flush a deep crimson, Veronica burst out laughing, tripping over a nearby rock and nearly toppling over altogether.
"Good one!" she cried out. "I almost believed you for a second!"
Juli's gaze remained hard and firm, so Veronica's laugh and smile slowly faded as they proceeded onward.
"You think that's funny?" Juli murmured, hurt among other things clawing to the forefront.
Veronica's heart was suddenly in her throat. Eyes wide, she cried out,
"Wait! No, that's not what I meant, Juli! Come on!"
"Never mind," Juli whispered back, head hung low, hustling ahead to walk in front of Veronica.
Veronica's stomach tightened. She jogged to catch up to her friend.
"No, wait," Veronica averred, "I'm not laughing at you. That was just such an abrupt-"
"Just forget it, Veronica."
Juli kept walking and Veronica pursued.
"Come on. I just - it surprised me, that's all. It is surprising. You have to give me that. That's a shocker. Come on. Let's talk about this."
Juli walked on a few steps before stopping. She sighed deeply, and her shoulders sagged before she turned back to face Veronica. With gaze averted and cheeks slightly red, she opened her mouth, her voice low, and began to speak.
"He found me in the tower. I was going to sleep."
Dying, Veronica corrected to herself.
"He gave me...I think it must have been-"
"Some adrenals and a stimpak," Veronica cut in, nodding. "I gave him those."
Juli smiled lightly, but her brow remained furrowed, as if in pain.
"Thank you," she said, nodding once. "It helped. I was bad. I was in my own blood. It hurt all the way through. He was...lifting me.I think. Saying something."
She was speaking slowly, a far-off looking in her eyes, as if the memories came with difficulty.
"I was answering," she explained, nodding her head. "I don't remember what we said, but I heard what he meant. He was scared. He was so scared. His voice…"
Her voice caught and she shook her head, clearing her throat.
"...that's all I remembered at first in the hospital. The way his voice...crunched...like that. You know? It hurt. I never heard a man talk like that. Before. To me. I kissed him then. I know I didn't mean it...on the mouth."
Her colored deepened and she cleared her throat.
"But it ended up on the mouth," she finished up, shrugging helplessly as her anxious eyes flitted back up to Veronica's.
"You were on some tough shit," Veronica eventually offered as an alternative. "Are you sure that's what this was?"
Juli's eyes changed quickly, vertical lines parting her furrowed brows.
"I'm not an idiot!"
"Well…" Veronica began delicately, very aware of the soft spot this conversation was uncovering. "I know that, Juli, but you're...you know. Young. I don't mean anything by it, you just have...you know. A different...perspective on things. Than he does. I imagine. About what things mean. And how important kisses are. About life experience."
One side of Juli's mouth raised slightly as she stood taller, eyes cold.
"You think I don't know better?"
And all over again Veronica remembered that maybe she didn't really know the leader of their little group at all.
"Well, no," Veronica walked back carefully, "but NCR is...you know. Worldly. Gritty. Wild. You're pure and...I don't know. Clean. You're like a lady and he's just some guy covered in mud. Nothing wrong with that, but you're both pretty different. Maybe he meant something else. Different things mean different things to different people, you know."
Juli's eyes darkened.
"He meant this," she said. "As a man kisses a woman."
"How do you know?"
"We talked about it in the hospital."
"...oh."
"Well...he shouted. I listened. He say: I shouldn't have done that, something about sex and another girl and how I kept him from his needs. It was pretty...hurtful, actually."
Veronica's abdomen clenched harder at the hitching in Juli's voice.
"Why would he say that stuff?" Veronica asked.
"I don't know," Juli finally breathed out in a huff. "But I don't like it."
"Maybe to make you jealous?" Veronica probed, trying to gauge Juli's reaction.
It was predictably placid.
"Jealous?" Juli repeated. "Why would I be jealous? He and I are not married."
"You don't have to have to be married to have sex. Or think about it or want it. This isn't the stone age."
Juli blushed.
"You know what I mean," Juli muttered. "I don't belong to him in that way."
"Maybe he wants you to belong to him."
Juli scowled deeper than Veronica had ever seen, and a lilt of genuine disgust trickled into her voice.
"He does not, and if he meant to take me that way I would kill him in his sleep."
"Tell me how you really feel," Veronica deadpanned again.
Juli scoffed again, so Veronica kept pushing:
"What would be so bad about him wanting you? Nothing wrong with a little genital bashing to keep the spirits up, I always say."
"Do you?" Juli asked, raising an exasperated eyebrow. "Do you always say that?"
"Come on!" Veronica pushed, nudging her friend. "You know what I mean. Isn't it at least a little exciting? It's like a little love story! Strong, handsome man swoops in to rescue a fair maiden in distress only to steal away a kiss in her last moments they shared together. Kind of tragic, in a way."
"It wasn't like that."
"What was it like? You said you didn't remember."
"I mean he isn't like that. I'm not."
"You were."
"But I'm not. I don't need to be saved, and he didn't rush in to sweep me up."
"Is that what he said?"
"Yes, that bullets are expensive and time is expensive and I keep him from drugs, women, and booze. There's your worldly, handsome soldier, Veronica. Not exactly a man I'd let sweep me up."
Veronica frowned.
"I guess his violent alcohol abuse does make him do and say strange things that he probably doesn't even remember doing, but I don't think he does drugs."
"Alcohol is a drug."
"But you can't take a drunk person at their word," Veronica argued good-naturedly. "That's hardly fair."
"So he's supposed to get a pass just because he makes a choice to drink?" Juli snapped.
"Does he choose it?"
"He doesn't seem to need it, medically. He chooses to drink to numb...other things."
"Drunk is drunk, happy, sad, or mad. And drunk people are horny and upset people get drunk, and he was plenty of both when you were in the hospital. That's a pretty lethal combo."
Juli didn't look appeased. If anything, a storm began to grow in her eyes.
"You think he doesn't actually remember when he gets drunk and says things or has sex?"
Veronica shrugged.
"I don't know. Maybe."
The two kept walking in pondering silence.
"That's worse, isn't it?" Juli eventually asked, voice tight.
"What do you mean?"
"If I am his friend, as you claim, he should think his well-being is important to me. He should value himself because he represents value to me. If that is the case, in his eyes, anything he does to damage himself then damages me. His decision to engage in this behavior is a disrespectful choice he makes in spite of me to prioritize himself out of some petty desire to numb his own pain. Sacrifice to the sulking gods."
"What's wrong with numbing the pain?"
"Nothing, as long as he does no harm to those around him. His choice to ruin himself while clinging to me brings me to ruin as well. He can use whatever he needs to help make it better, but not me. I feel cheap."
That was more than Juli had ever said in one sitting than Veronica had ever heard, and Juli let out a little huff of air full of tension and anxiety.
"You're upset," Veronica realized.
Juli didn't answer for a long time.
"I don't know," she finally admitted, letting a hint of tears in her throat escape with it. "I just think about it all. A lot."
Too many things at once flashed through Veronica's head, and she felt her palms grow clammy, despite the dry sticks she had between them. Any remaining poking at her friends expense went by the wayside at the genuinely crestfallen expression on her friend's face.
"Why didn't you tell me this?" Veronica finally managed. "We left the hospital weeks ago."
Juli just shrugged, but avoided Veronica's gaze.
"Too much," was all Juli said.
"Too much what?" Veronica asked.
"Everything. I don't know. All of it. Bad feelings. Too much."
Thrown for a loop, which didn't happen often, Veronica made a thoughtful noise, her mind processing at a million miles an hour. There were almost too many questions to ask. She didn't know where to start.
So she figured she'd start with the less likely and get to the likely stuff second.
"Was the kiss itself bad?" Veronica eventually asked.
Juli let out a shaking breath, as if to steady it, and her face reddened in a way Veronica had never seen before. It should have been cute, but something in her eyes, some unfathomable darkness, forced Veronica to remain serious and not to tease, even if she really wanted to.
Seeing Juli rattled made Veronica jittery. Seeing her try to act like she wasn't rattled, even more so.
"It was fine," Juli dismissed.
Another shrug.
"Fine?" Veronica repeated loudly.
Juli just groaned, that same guarded expression passing over her face.
"Come on!" Veronica urged. "You can tell me a little more than that! I'm your friend, right?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"It's not like you're badmouthing him or anything."
Juli still hesitated, but Veronica saw her wall was crumbling.
"I don't want him to think badly of me by discussing it behind his back," Juli admitted, like it was her last line of defense.
Veronica peered over at her friend like she had three heads.
"That's what you're worried about?"
"Why not?" she ground out.
Veronica finally sighed.
"To be honest with you, Juli, no offense, but I don't think he thinks about anybody or anything right now, including you. Especially you, maybe, even."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, he's going through the motions. Something happened to him. I'm not sure what, but...he's running a self-diagnostic, basically. Like a bot. I don't think anything he's doing right now is rational or representative of his normal behavior."
Juli's face twisted up for a moment before she took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
She didn't answer that.
"Sure you didn't want to just make out?" Veronica tried to joke after a while.
Juli stopped for a moment, blinking, the expression on her face so baffled that Veronica's throat tightened a little looking at it.
"Why would I do that?" Juli asked, voice tense and surprised.
"Because making out is nice and it's what girls like to do. And that's what people do when they like each other and you like him."
Juli's face soured again, that hint of disgust being quickly overtaken by bitterness.
"Not like that."
"Sure you do. That's why you kissed him."
"On the cheek."
Veronica winked at Juli, nudging Juli's side lightly.
"Sure," Veronica said.
"Ugh," Juli hissed back, a scowl on her face that would have made Boone proud. "You don't get it. People like him don't kiss people like me."
The knot in Veronica's throat squeezed.
"People like you?" Veronica repeated, unsure whether to feel indignant or wilted at the comment.
"You know - like a cousin or a brother. Like a boy."
"Grown heterosexual men don't kiss boys on the mouth, Juli. Or have meltdowns when said boys die in the hospital. But when one of their girls dies in a hospital..."
Veronica made a knowing kind of noise, shrugging, but Juli was still not amused.
"You do not understand," Juli let out, her throat tight and high-pitched as she glanced back at Boone and Gannon arguing, by the sounds of it.
"No, I don't," Veronica agreed.
"He doesn't feel that way about me. That is a fact."
"And how do you know that?"
Juli bit her lip, uncertain. She was holding on to something.
"I just do," Juli said.
"How?"
"He likes...other kinds of women. Not like me."
"What do you mean by that?"
"I'm not..." she managed, her breathing unsteady.
She glanced down at herself and heaved a long sigh, face red.
Pain flashed behind her eyes at that, and with it the shadow of a ghost of loneliness.
Veronica withdrew. The conversation was obviously unearthing some kind of soft spot, and she wanted to tread carefully like a hunter so as not to scare Juli away.
All it would take would be the snap of a twig, one wrong question, and it was over. But it was actually Juli first who ripped the curtain back, not Veronica.
"He was married before," Juli finally let out. "Before I met him. He had a wife."
The operative word "was" explained so many things about Boone that Veronica's head began to swim.
"Oh my God," Veronica breathed out, feeling her throat tighten. "Are you kidding me? I had no idea."
"How could you?" Juli asked, her pitch rising higher and higher. "He doesn't talk about her. To anyone. Not even to me."
"Oh my God…" Veronica breathed again, for the first time in a long time not knowing what to say.
"It's always her," Juli replied, some pain and helplessness slipping into her voice that Veronica had never heard before. "Always been about her. He carries things she gave him, he still sometimes speaks to her in her language in his sleep. Always her. And she's dead."
Veronica opened her mouth but closed it again. Juli wasn't finished.
"And he'd rather go with her than stay with me. But when I want to go..."
Juli's face crumpled in on itself in a way Veronica had never seen. For the first time since she'd known her Chinese friend, Veronica saw defeat in her eyes, a hollow shell.
A shrug. A single tear escaped out of the corner of her eye and it hurt Veronica's heart.
"You want to go?" Veronica repeated softly.
"No," Juli whispered back, shrugging. "Not all the time. Not mostly. But in the tower, after waiting for so long, after the hurt was too much and he had me again in his arms where it felt...better...yeah. Yeah, I wanted to go. I was ready. So I kiss him goodbye, and he loses it."
Her face twisted up but her scowl was pronounced now.
"If she walked into camp right now and asked him to leave," Juli nearly hissed, "he would go. And I wouldn't blame him at all."
"But what about you?" Veronica squeaked.
"Oh, I'm okay," Juli dismissed, shrugging. "I always am. With or without people."
"But people are nice sometimes."
"Yes, they are. But people leave and people hurt you and people die."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because that's what people do," Juli sighed with such distress and honesty in her voice, so free of angst, that Veronica's eyes almost began to water.
"Not always," Veronica finally managed.
Juli shrugged again, head hung, face low.
"No," Juli conceded, "but usually."
Veronica's throat seized up. Juli finally grunted with frustration, shaking her head, more anger seeping into her voice all the time.
"You know," she began in a rush, "he latched on to me and he sucks and sucks on my blood to keep him alive, like a mosquito, like a parasite! He thinks he can just take and take all he wants because he needs it without thinking about how other people feel or what they might need! I would have given it to him, anything he needed! But there are some things that are just off limits that you shouldn't just take! Some things he shouldn't have touched. He was too careless this time. He shouldn't have…"
Her throat caught again, but she swallowed it down.
"But it doesn't matter anymore because I will bring the parasite to the Legion, and he will slaughter each and every one of them like the animals they are. And I will die trying because that's what host organisms do. Not like the parasite would care."
"I know Boone would care," Veronica whispered, glancing over her shoulder.
Boone was berating Gannon now, who stood with his hands on his hips and a smirk on his mouth.
Juli kicked a nearby rock hard, which flipped over with a plop into the sand.
"I'm not special," Juli insisted, as if that fact was in question.
"You're wrong," Veronica breathed into the wind, but Juli finally snapped.
The cord broke and she exploded.
"No, you're wrong!" Juli suddenly shouted, making Veronica wince. "This is a race! A competition! Carla's already in it, and she won! A long time ago! Her dead body's at the finish line before anyone else can even line up! I knew that, so I stayed away!"
"That's not-"
"And even if I got there to the end, she would be there! I've already played second best! I won't do that - not ever again!"
The words, like they had some cleansing power, resonated through Juli's body for a moment, passing through her features, causing her to shudder.
"What is it specifically that's making you so angry?" Veronica probed.
"Before I was special and now I'm competing against a dead woman and everybody else! He made me just like them. And if I'm just like them, I'm back to being nobody!"
"You're not nobody."
"Yes, I am! Not wanted or needed or special!"
"You're still special."
"Not," she insisted, voice turning more and more bitter by the second. "Because if I was, he would have treated me like a person instead of - instead of...like that!"
"Like what?"
"Come on! You know what women are to him now! Expendable objects to be used, things whose purpose is to satisfy, a glue to patch together the holes his wife left!"
Juli breathed in. Out. She shrugged helplessly again.
"I guess it doesn't matter what I thought," she sighed, obviously barely reigning it in. "I was stupid for trusting him, and I was wrong! And even if I'm not and he likes me and he wanted to kiss me, that's wrong too because that comes with - with consequences! Decisions. Expectations! I can't meet those! I mean, look at me! Look at me, Veronica, I'm not - I'm just -"
"What if he just wanted you? No expectations? No rules?"
"Please, there are always rules."
"Why is the idea of someone wanting you so frightening to you?"
"Scared? I'm not scared!"
"Why does him wanting you scare you so much?"
"BECAUSE WANT ISN'T A REAL THING!" Juli shrieked. "And it isn't enough to save anybody!"
Veronica's heart hurt at that.
"Do you need saving, Juli?" Veronica whispered.
"No!" Juli cried out. "Not by him! Not by you! Not by anybody! I'm okay! I'm always okay!"
"Don't you want to be more than just okay?""
"It doesn't matter what I want! I am alive! And everyone I've ever known is dead! Because they didn't follow the rules! Because they were too stupid to realize if you stay still in one place long enough someone eventually will crawl up from behind you and stab you in the back!"
"If you keep your guard up all the time, you'll never be happy or have any friends."
"That's the price we pay to stay alive!"
Veronica's throat tightened.
"I...I don't think-"
"You don't have to be kind. I'm not special. I like being nobody. He and I - we never...we were never...so I never expected - I didn't think I meant anything! That was okay - all the shit I've done..."
Suddenly, the conversation shifted, and the pain took center stage. Tears welled in her eyes.
"I was still nobody," she ranted, "and that was good. But then over time he took care of me. He was supposed to go after a while but every morning he stayed! He helped me! He kept me alive, and he hurt people who hurt me! He watched me across the fire! He held me when I cried! And I - I…"
Juli's arms entwined her torso slowly. She heaved a sob.
"You realized you were a somebody," Veronica whispered.
Juli's hung her head, pain of an entirely different and painfully relatable kind flashing briefly across her face. Pain that came with longing. Veronica realized the two of them had stopped walking, and her heart pounded. The look on Juli's face was so lost and despondent that Veronica wanted to weep right there.
"And then he threw it all away!" Juli sobbed.
"I think he just wanted to get closer to you," Veronica tried, taking a step closer.
"To protect himself!" she shouted.
Veronica winced.
"Don't you get it? I'm not a placeholder! As bad as I want - wanted - to be somebody to someone I refuse to be cheapened and used like an object! I don't need other people to tell me I am good and special and...and…"
Veronica squeezed Juli's shoulders, despite Juli's protests, which shuddered in her grip, but it was like comfort burned her because she shied away.
"Don't touch me," Juli hissed.
"You have to trust us. Trust him. Trust me."
Juli's face contorted, bitterness and anguish flashing before becoming shrouded again.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know how to do that anymore," was her rehearsed reply, as if she'd thought it a million times.
"Then just give us time. Give him time. He'll prove you wrong. You're somebody. Somebody to me. I know you're a somebody to him."
"It doesn't matter," Juli muttered, as if it was little consolation.
"Why not?"
"Because he treated me like a nobody. And because - because I am not beautiful or good. And I'm not her. And that's all that matters to him anymore."