After breakfast Kurt went to the gym to workout with Ms. July. He looked for Blaine along the way, but didn't find him. He missed those first few days here where Blaine escorted him everywhere. Ms. July was relentless today, especially hard on Kurt, but that was probably because he was distracted and when Ms. July gave him instructions he only half heard them.
"Hummel!" Ms. July barked out snapping her fingers in front of his face. "If you don't focus up I'll make you stay longer and do extra reps on the leg press!"
"Sorry, sorry." Kurt panted out trying to concentrate on the rowing machine he was currently only halfheartedly using.
"Start your total from the top, none of that counted."
"Yes, Ms. July." Kurt said and stared rowing in earnest, sweat beading on his forehead, even as his thoughts remained on Blaine. Would he be here another few months? Weeks? Days? No, no. Blaine would have said something if he was leaving soon. He would have.
In the end Ms. July did make him stay behind for some extra reps meaning the guys on his schedule were done showering when he got to the locker rooms. Kurt's arms and legs ached and his stomach was sore, Ms. July went hard on the kettlebell swings today. He leaned his forehead against the wall of the shower and let the water roll down his body. He was so tired. It was more than Ms. July's extra workout today. He'd been going non-stop for too long now. Ignoring how physically and mentally fatigued he was.
It was the news that he might be losing Blaine that made it all come crashing down. He didn't feel like he'd be able to survive this place without him. He was surprised to find that he was crying, the tears and the shower mixing on his face and running down his chin. Kurt turned around and slid down the tile wall folding his arms on his knees and burying his head. No one could see him, so he just let himself cry.
Most of the time Kurt tried to stay strong and push down the feelings of despair this placed kicked up. He only allowed himself to really feel this way occasionally, because sometimes he worried if he let himself cry he'd never be able to pull himself back up again. Without Blaine would he be able to pick himself back up?
He would still have friends here without Blaine, he knew that… but it wasn't until he tried to picture getting through a day without him that Kurt realized how much he truly did lean on Blaine for emotional support. It almost made sense why the guys thought something was going on there, maybe Kurt did depend too much on his shadow.
"Kurt?"
Kurt sniffed and lifted his head. Blaine's voice was calling for him as if Kurt's thoughts had conjured him.
"Kurt?"
"Over here." Kurt called standing and wiping tears off his face, which was silly seeing at he was still standing under the stream of the shower.
"Oh, I…" Blaine turned the corner and immediately looked down at his feet.
Blaine with his dark curly hair, sweet smile, and blushing cheeks. Kurt's heart picked up speed at the sight of him.
"You're a little behind schedule today. I was… I was just checking in to see if everything was alright."
"Ms. July kept me late." Kurt said quickly rinsing the rest of his conditioner out of his hair. "I'm almost done. We have library time next so I didn't think being late would be a big deal."
"Library time" was just some down time with other ponies. An indoor rec room/library area where they all hung out, read, played games, a little table tennis – that kind of thing. It was meant to promote team bonding, because the powers that ran Pantone found that their employees' health was better if they weren't completely isolated. Forced community.
"Yes, but um… I got permission for you to go back to your room and nap," Blaine said still looking at his shoes, "That is if you want to."
Kurt turned off the water and wrapped himself in a towel. "A nap?"
Blaine moved to grab a robe for him, Kurt put it on and Blaine looked up, "If you want to. You were just so tired last night I was… a little worried about you. You need more time off."
Kurt smiled and wanted to reach out and give Blaine a hug, instead he wrapped his arms around himself. "Library time isn't that demanding."
"I know, but everything you do is so structured all the time, even that can be draining. And they don't let you sleep enough."
Kurt sighed and nodded, "I honestly think a nap sounds like the best thing in the world right now." Kurt felt worn-out, weary down to his bones and the idea of curling up in bed sounded like such a relief he could nearly cry – again. God, he really was exhausted, everything made him want to tear up.
"Are you okay, Kurt?" Blaine took a step towards him, his face radiating concern.
"Like you said, I'm just really tired."
"Have you been… did Ms. July make you cry?"
Kurt scrunched his brow in confusion and then realized his eyes must be red and puffy from his break down in the shower. "Oh no. Nothing like that. She's a drill sergeant, but not cruel."
Blaine smiled, "I'm not sure everyone would agree with you there." Blaine watched him closely but when Kurt didn't go on to explain Blaine didn't press. "Do you want to change back into you pre-workout clothes or just slip into some PJs once back in your room?"
"PJs." Kurt answered with a nod.
They walked down the hall side-by-side, though Kurt didn't actually need Blaine to walk him to his room, he was glad to have his company. He wanted to ask Blaine about his rotation, the question was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't say it. He was too worried too hear the answer. What if he found out Blaine was only here for a short time longer?
"You won't get in trouble for asking for these special favors for me will you? I know that things at Pantone are strict."
Blaine shook his head, "Fuck Pantone. I shouldn't have to ask permission for you to get enough rest to start with."
"Blaine." Kurt looked around as if they were being watched. He always felt watched here. "You'll get yourself in trouble." He leaned in and lowered his voice, "Though yeah, fuck them."
Blaine smiled, "I won't get in trouble. I go through the proper channels, even if I do work it so that Sebastian is left out."
They got to Kurt's room and Blaine paused outside the door. "I'll wake you up for lunch?"
Kurt's hand was on the doorknob, but he didn't open the door. He had to just ask. Just get it out in the open.
"Kurt?"
"Could you. Um… could you come in for a second? If I needed something?"
"Of course." Blaine said with a smile, but Kurt could see concern behind his eyes.
Kurt walked in and sat on his bed. Blaine stood in front of him looking a bit awkward.
"You can sit, Blaine." Kurt said giving him a reassuring smile.
Blaine nodded and sat in the one chair Kurt had in his small room.
"I feel like an idiot." Kurt started and rubbed a hand over his brow, "I found out today that the staff works on rotation, here a few month and then gone… and of course they do. I mean I've thought before how Sebastian is always here. No one could work that way all the time. Of course they rotate out."
"You're not an idiot for not thinking of that, you've had other things to worry about." Blaine said kindly.
Kurt nodded, and cleared his throat, "But… seeing as the staff rotates out… that would mean you rotate out. I was just wondering, how much longer are you here?" Kurt got the words out, though his heart was tight in his chest.
"I… Oh. Oh." Blaine shifted uncomfortably in the chair. "Um… not all of the staff rotates out. Ms. July works pretty regular hours so she doesn't. And Marley works evenings, but she doesn't rotate out… I mean she takes vacation sometimes… but… yeah."
"Right, but the shadows rotate." Kurt pressed on. He sat on his hands to keep from gesturing with them nervously. "I mean, you're awake before me and up after you've seen me to bed. You have long days. And I know you don't get any time off because I don't get any time off and you're always here when I need you… and… and," Kurt's voice started to break. "How much longer until I don't have you here anymore?"
"I…" Blaine rubbed the back of his neck and looked guilty and suddenly Kurt felt ashamed of himself.
Blaine had to be looking forward to getting some time away. He must have friends and family he wanted to see, and god knows he deserved to sleep in later than he did here, or have the reason he was up late be because he was out with friends, not because he was waiting to see what kind of help Kurt would need.
Kurt had never thought about any of this. Even now he was being selfish hating the idea of Blaine not being here for him, god… Blaine must be counting the days until his leave! Kurt didn't even know anything about Blaine's life outside of Pantone. What family did he have? What friends? Did he have a boyfriend or someone waiting for him?
Kurt had said they were friends, but he hadn't actually been treating Blaine the way you should treat a friend.
Kurt forced himself to smile, he had to stop being so selfish about this, "I mean, you must be ready to get out of here for a while. Do you have fun plans?"
"Kurt," Blaine's face had been pinched with worry, but it switched into a look of resolve as he leaned forward, "Not all shadows rotate out."
"But-"
"I mean most do. Right now all of them do… except me. Sometimes there are others who stay on all the time, it is just me for now… but um… yeah. I'm not going anywhere."
Kurt's heart leaped in his chest, but he couldn't understand what Blaine was saying, "But… you have to have time off eventually."
"Right. Um." Blaine sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped in front of him, they were squeezed so tight right now his knuckles were white. Something was wrong. Something Blaine wasn't saying. "I don't… That is, sometimes shadows work on contract. Like the ponies… well not like the ponies… we don't… you know. Um, I'm here until my contract is up."
"Your contract…" Kurt wet his lips and thought this through, "So like the ponies you work until you've made a certain amount of money?"
"Yes."
"And you're stuck here until you do?"
"It's not so bad." Blaine shrugged looking a little more relaxed, "Especially since I started working with you."
"Blaine." Kurt smiled and shook his head, moving his hands from under him now that the news he was dreading didn't seem to be coming, "I can't believe I didn't know this. And… you've been on contract the whole time you've been here?"
"Yes."
Kurt was piecing this all together, he wanted to sing and shout. Blaine wasn't leaving! But he felt like something was wrong here. Something he wasn't quiet grasping, "But you've been here a long time."
"What makes you say that?" Blaine leaned back away from Kurt, looking wary again.
"You do. When I mention how well you know this place you always say, 'I've been here a while."
"Oh. Yeah. True." Blaine was looking down now, his voice soft and he suddenly looked like that same timid, scared Blaine that first started helping Kurt.
Kurt couldn't understand it, why was this conversation making him so uncomfortable?
"I didn't mean to pry, Blaine." Kurt said scooting to the edge of the bed and reaching out to lay a hand on top of Blaine's.
Blaine's eyes glanced at their hands, but not up to Kurt's face.
"I thought a time was coming when I'd have a different shadow and I needed to prepare for that. Honestly, I hated the thought of losing you. But… I'm not sure this is better. How long is your contract?"
Blaine wet his lips and shrugged.
Okay, that wasn't an answer. Kurt was worried about this near complete shutdown from Blaine. He'd always been able to draw Blaine out before – even when they first met.
"I'm only asking because…" Kurt furrowed his brow, trying to pick out the right words to get Blaine to come back out of his shell. "Well, I've neglected our friendship by not really knowing anything about you Blaine. I want… I want this friendship to be two sided. You do so much for me an-"
"It's my job." Blaine's voice was monotone and crisp.
Kurt sighed. Great! It was like week one of Kurt's stay here all over again. They'd come so far and in a matter of moments Kurt had somehow pushed Blaine way. "I know." Kurt said keeping his voice light. There was something going on here that Kurt didn't understand, and he couldn't read if he should ask for more information or just let it be. "But Blaine… you… you care about me, don't you?"
Blaine looked up quickly at that question, his eyes eager and expressive. "Yes, of course, Kurt."
"Okay, so it is your job to help me, but caring about me? I kinda figured that was extra," Kurt smiled and Blaine slowly smiled back at him blushing a little.
"It is."
Kurt had to glace away to hide his own blush, Blaine was looking at him like – well Elliot's words from earlier came back to him – like he'd hung the moon.
"I need you to know that I care about you too." Kurt said meeting Blaine's eyes again, "I don't want everything to always be about me. And I want to be relieved that you aren't going anywhere anytime soon, but even as I say that it sounds awful. I mean who would want to be stuck in this place?"
"It isn't as bad for the shadows."
Kurt nodded, "I guess that's true."
"I wouldn't want to leave before you did anyway." Blaine shook his head, "I couldn't leave you here… I'll be here Kurt, I'm not going anywhere."
Again Kurt wanted to reach out and hug Blaine, but as encouraging as those words were, they were also heartbreaking, "How long to do you have on your contract, Blaine?" Kurt asked again.
Again Blaine just shrugged, "A while."
Kurt wanted to press, to make Blaine tell him exactly how long 'a while' was, but he wouldn't force Blaine to say it if he didn't want to. He'd already asked twice and Blaine hadn't answered.
"Can I ask how you ended up working at Pantone in the first place? You certainly don't seem like… like someone who would – No." Kurt shook his head, "That's not what I mean, I know people do all kinds of things if they need money, I mean look at me?" Kurt laughed a little self-consciously. "I mean to say, you don't seem to really care for Pantone."
"No. That's true. It's run by really horrible people."
"That we both work for."
"That we both work for." Blaine agreed. He didn't say anything else and the silence between them stretched on for a moment.
Getting information out of Blaine right now was like pulling teeth. Did Blaine not want Kurt to get to know him better? Or maybe he was just asking questions about the wrong things. He'd try a different route. "Okay… what about your family?" Kurt tried changing gears, "You know I have my dad. I get to call him once a week so he continues to believe I'm out of the country as an exchange student and not working at a brothel owned by 'really horrible people'. Do you get weekly calls home too?"
Blaine slipped his hands out from under Kurt's and used one to rub the back of his neck. He looked nervous again. "I call my mom from time to time. I'm not close with the rest of my family. She doesn't know I work here. She wouldn't even understand a place like this."
"I get that. I would never let my dad know."
Blaine was jogging his foot anxiously and Kurt sighed, "Blaine I'm clearly asking all the wrong things, but this isn't an interrogation. I'm just trying to get to know you. When I found out today that you… that you could be leaving soon I was… upset." Kurt laughed little, "I mean, upset doesn't even cover it." Kurt ran his hands down his face, god he almost broke apart this morning thinking about Blaine leaving, "As much as I hate that you are stuck here too, I am so relieved that I get to still have you by my side. And I… I just want us to have a better friendship than just shadow and pony. That's all."
"You were upset?"
"Very." Kurt confessed, "It made me feel a little sick."
"Is that…" Blaine's eyes grew wide, "Is that why you were crying?"
Kurt blushed again, "As embarrassing as it is to be caught, yes."
"Kurt." Blaine immediately stood up from the chair, his nervousness seemingly gone for the moment. He moved to sit next to Kurt on the bed. Kurt's hand was resting on the mattress and Blaine reached out running his fingers ever so softly over Kurt's skin making a shiver run down Kurt's spine. Then Blaine took Kurt's hand in his own, the press of his skin warm and comforting, "If I were leaving soon I would have told you. I'm not leaving you."
Kurt nodded, a warm pleasant feeling blooming in his chest at having Blaine this close. Kurt looked at his earnest eyes and down at his lips and finally landed on their clasped hands, "I still want to be friends, Blaine." He said softly, "Even when we both get out of here." He looked up to catch Blaine's reaction.
Blaine's eyes seemed a little sad, but he smiled and nodded, "Of course we will be. Now, you should take advantage of this down time. We've talked so long it's eaten into your nap."
"I don't mind." Kurt said, they were so close that Kurt had to physically restrain himself from leaning his forehead against Blaine's. "I'd happily give up a nap to keep talking to you."
Blaine closed his eyes for a moment as a small smile played on his lips, "That's sweet Kurt," he said as he looked at Kurt again, "But you're so tired I can feel it radiating off you. I'm worried about you."
Kurt yawned and nodded. Talking about a nap was making him feel how drained he was.
"I'll wake you up for lunch."
"Yeah, okay. Thank you for this." Kurt wasn't going to give up on getting to know Blaine better, but he could let it go for the moment. Baby steps.
Blaine let go of Kurt's hand and stood from the bed, "Of course." He opened the door and paused looking back at Kurt who was climbing under the covers with just his robe on. Who needed PJs?
"Um… My mom's name is Mae."
"Mae?"
"I don't mean to be hard to talk to. It's just been awhile since anyone cared enough to try."
Kurt smiled and nodded, "Mae is a lovely name."
Blaine smiled too and then closed the door. Kurt laid in bed thinking about that smile and hoping Blaine would continue to open up to him.