Weeks passed. The war had paused, or at least the combat had. The Capitol was cut off, surrounded. But the Rebels couldn't push in. The defences became heavier, more creative, more vicious.
The plan to starve the Capitol into surrender was working, at least partially. Unlike the rest of the country, they had stores. Every family in the Captiol had a private store of delicacies. Ceaser Flickerman kept insisting that such a thing was a crime now, and that everyone was doing their part; but nobody believed him anymore.
Johanna hadn't been seen in public since the video of her breakdown. She hadn't said it to Peeta, but he knew. She was a proud woman who'd had all pride and control beaten out of her; only to have her weakness broadcast by Coin without her consent. It had been directed at Peeta; but Johanna had been used that way before. Peeta couldn't fight back against Coin, and Johanna didn't want to be seen yet.
Finnick improved. His memories were still pretty ragged; but the Capitol's 'technicians' had targeted his knowledge of the Capitol. His memories of Annie were perfect. Annie remarked that with the worst memories carved out of him, it was getting easier to put forgotten horrors behind him.
Finnick had begged Peeta's forgiveness for what he'd said in the interviews. Peeta didn't say it, but he agreed with all the worst things Finnick had said on the air about his manipulations. A source of guilt that was made worse by Julle's sudden presence in the War Room.
Beetee and Gale were designing weapons for the inevitable push into the Capitol. Mags had stepped aside to let Annie love and care for Finnick openly for the first time in their lives. With Annie no longer alone, Mags had turned her attention to Wiress, who was still under 'consultation' with the Thirteen Therapists. Nobody was sure if Wiress was an unstable genius-savant, or a harmless kind of lunatic. Either way, she didn't fit into Thirteen's way of thinking, and nobody would give her clearance to work with Beetee on classified projects. So she and Mags had adopted each other while Beetee was working.
The propos changed to include scenes from the Districts, of people rising up against their guards. Some of them were shouting Peeta's battle slogan, or singing Katniss' war songs. As the Districts fell completely to Rebel control, the screens were absent of Ceaser Flickerman entirely, and Peeta was put back to work, calling for the homes and factories to be rebuilt.
The Rebels had very different quotas to the Capitol, and people were working without hunger for the first time in living memory.
"It's a good thing, I just wish the fences would come down."
"What do you mean?" Johanna was doing push-ups in their room.
"I mean the Districts are still locked down. The Capitol was able to rule them all with an iron fist because they could never organize. It took Thirteen to get them talking to each other outside an Arena." Peeta told her. "Rue would have flourished in another District; if only there was a chance for her to go there one day."
"Mm." Johanna saved her breath. She made no secret of the fact that she was pushing herself harder than her doctors suggested. The collision between her and Peeta was coming, and they both knew it. The point of no return would be if Johanna passed her combat trials; and she was training for them whenever she had even a bit of strength. Her endurance was coming back; but her muscles were rebelling from the strain.
She still slept often, healing from the emotional trauma with long naps in Peeta's arms. He stayed with her; giving Coin just enough faithful service that the people he knew were safe. Johanna still couldn't face the shower alone. At least once a day, Johanna would climb into his lap and he'd hold her. She wondered sometimes if he needed those reassuring moments of care more than she did.
During these little interludes, the war would be far away; and they'd talk about anything else.
"So I'm back in the kitchens for a while." He said to her softly during just such a moment. "Some of the 'friendly' territories are back to production. Including District Five. Coin refused to change the menu until we got enough for everybody equally, but we'll have real bread in the Mess Hall soon."
"Mm. Wonder if Thirteen has ever had fresh bread. At least, the way you make it." Johanna said into his shoulder. "Something to celebrate."
"There'll be celebrations to go around soon enough. Apparently, everyone loves a wedding."
Johanna opened a single eye to look at him balefully.
"Not us." Peeta corrected instantly. "Finnick and Annie."
"Finnick up for that?"
"Finnick is stable, or at least reliable again. They were so worried about controlling him on camera and keeping their dirty laundry buried, they barely touched his memories of Annie. And her? I've been babysitting the poor thing since the Games; and I haven't seen her this together once. Having Finnick back was better than any meds they could put her on."
Johanna shivered. "I never really appreciated the sheer power that one person can have over another. You think of that level of control, you think of what Snow can do… I never appreciated that someone can have even more power over another in a good way." She looked at Peeta. "Finnick and I had adjoining cells. You were smart to get Annie out first. Finnick took it all once he knew she was free."
"Mm." Peeta agreed. "I wish I could impress that on Coin and Plutarch. They're negotiating the wedding, and it's quite a prizefight."
Johanna had regular appointments with Doctors and Therapists. Peeta wasn't allowed to be present for those sessions, so he returned to the War Room. The war against the Capitol was important, but the one between Plutarch and Coin was far more entertaining, and Peeta joined the row of Generals who pretended they weren't watching.
"Due respect, Madam President…" Plutarch said, for the thousandth time. "With less than three hundred people, food; drinks-"
"No drinks." Coin cut him off. "And the food is already allotted."
"Where?"
"What do you mean where? You know where the Mess Hall is."
"The radish mash?!" Plutarch hit a pitch nobody had ever heard from him before.
"The Wedding is scheduled for Friday, that's what we eat on Friday." Coin said firmly. "And no alcohol. The only liquor in the Complex is medicinal."
The battle had been going for an hour, and Peeta was getting beseeching looks from both sides, hoping he'd step in and make the other go away.
"I bet your people would love to have a wedding." Peeta put in to Coin. "A big one. The kind that Plutarch is pushing for."
"Soldier Mellark; Thirteen is a little less… decadent than you seem to think."
"I'm from Twelve, Madame President. We don't do 'decadent' either, but I bet I'm right." Peeta said with a grin. "Tell you what, give me the kitchen for a morning; and I'll bet you that at least three hundred people would love to attend. I'm right, the wedding goes ahead as Plutarch wants it. I'm wrong, we can have it be two people signing the license, as usual."
Plutarch gasped in horror, seeing his wedding plans burst into flames.
"Three hundred?" Coin looked to Peeta, curious; despite herself. "Okay. You're on."
"Folks, can I have everyone's attention, please?" Peeta called to the Mess Hall. "As you may have heard, Finnick Odair and Annie Cresta are getting married this Friday. There was some debate as to how much effort we should put into the wedding. The bride and groom just want each other; and it's thanks to you that they can have even that much. But these two people, kept apart under pain of torture for so many years, are both good friends of mine. So I owe it to them to try and make a day of it."
Everyone was listening. Those that were married were looking to each other with a smile.
"So with that in mind, I'd like to get everyone's opinion on my wedding present to them." Peeta called. "I don't suppose you guys have tried a wedding cake before?"
Cinna, and Effie; and a few other volunteers, emerged from the kitchen with trays, and on each one, a thick slice of cake; in various flavors. The frosted flowers and birds were unlike anything the citizenry of Thirteen had ever seen before. The trays made the rounds of each table; everyone getting a single bite. The chorus of moans and hums of approval picked up soon after.
Peeta noticed Plutarch in the doorway, shaking his head in amazement as Peeta won them over. Years and years of living on hydroponics, counted to the last calorie, had given them no defence against something sweet and pretty and sinful like cake.
"Also, we don't have a lot in the way of music, so if the kids would like to help; we're setting up a chorus to sing the District Four Wedding Song." Peeta added. "Rehearsals are tomorrow afternoon, after school is scheduled to let out."
From that end of the room, the kids were immediately intrigued, clapping at that idea.
Peeta gave Finnick a look. Finnick picked up his cue. "I know that weddings are very simple affairs here in Thirteen. I know it may not seem fair, holding a lavish ceremony for the newest kids in town. But Annie and I love… well, love. It was the only thing keeping us sane through all Snow's schemes. So Annie and I would like to invite all the married couples in Thirteen to come to the Ceremony, and have their own pictures taken; some food, cake, song… Consider it renewing your vows. The party you never got to throw for your own wedding days."
By now, the cake samples were gone completely, and everyone applauded the invitation.
Peeta grinned. "So, if we could get your feedback on the cakes by evening chow? Report to President Coin. She has final say on the wedding plans."
Peeta was expecting the call after dinner. It came by lunchtime. Boggs arrived at the Kitchens and frog-marched him to the War Room.
Coin glowered at him for a full minute. In front of her was a Mess Hall Tray, with a piece of cake on it; and a single bite taken.
"I made sure one piece was set aside just for you, Madame President." Peeta said politely.
Deathly silence. Boggs was struggling not to grin at the odd brinkmanship.
"Fine. You can use the Central Commons." Coin sighed. "And the kitchen is yours for the duration of the Wedding Prep. Guest list is still limited to five hundred."
"Yes, Ma'am." Plutarch said. "I promise, we'll get some good Propo footage out of it. A revolution without dancing isn't worth having."
"And we'll save you a piece of cake. A large one." Peeta promised.
"Thank you." Coin said flatly, though her eyes kept flicking to the cake.
Johanna was improving physically. She had strength, but little endurance. Peeta had to forcibly prevent her from trying to do laps on the stairs. She'd snuck out and done it anyway, only to lose her strength and go rolling down the metal staircase headfirst. Getting herself stitched up nearly put her back in the ICU, and she promised to behave. So Peeta walked her wheelchair down to the kitchens, which were empty for this particular shift; and she sat with him there while he worked diligently on the wedding cake.
"You think they'll like it?" Peeta asked as he frosted the four-tier cake.
"I do." Johanna said quietly, sneaking herself bits of the frosting here and there. Peeta swatted her hand away, before giving her a whole bowl. Enough that she'd make herself sick if she tried to eat it all; but it didn't stop her.
Comfortable silence.
"...Peeta." She wavered a bit, in a very small voice. "I'd like to give Finnick and Annie some flowers."
Peeta looked at her blankly. "Flowers?"
"District Seven. Lumber. Lots of trees and woods. My, uh… 'talent' for the audience? I didn't just grow herbs." She took a breath. "But I haven't been outside yet. In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw the sky."
Peeta smiled hugely. "Katniss goes out on hunts. Her reward for being the hero during the Rescue. I can pull a few strings, convince them that your morale would get a boost from being in the green again."
Johanna's face was a complete stone mask when around other people. The Doctors could barely get two words out of her; the cameras were physically attacked whenever they came near her room. Nobody blamed her after the footage of her freakouts going on the air. It was understood that only Peeta could handle her; and nobody but her doctors were eager to try. But her doctors worked for Coin, and she was reluctant to let them in.
In fact, the first time among the general population was in the Mess Hall. Peeta had walked her in. About a thousand eyes were on her. She stared right back, matching her stonewall armor against the entire District. Bring it on, cavemen.
They sat down, across from Gale and Katniss, and she spoke. "I never thanked you guys." Johanna said immediately. "But saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like enough.
"I know what you mean." Katniss said with a glance to Peeta. It was the expression she always had when she thought about feeding Prim some burnt bread rolls. "Trust me, we're even."
Johanna gave Katniss her full attention. "I saw the footage of you with the bow. What I would have given to have you in the Arena that night…"
"Nah, better that the Capitol be surprised." Katniss bared her teeth in what might have been a smile. "Been saving that up for almost a year."
"You know you're a war hero now, Mockingjay. The most televised battle of the war, and you had centre stage." Johanna nibbled at her turnip mush. "Which raises the question: Why didn't your guns work? Surely Thirteen knew about the Electrical Jammers."
"We knew, but we didn't know it was an ambush." Gale took that one. "The idea was: We were probably going to have to zap a whole lot of people, and sort them out later." He shrugged. "Happens when you have to take people alive."
Johanna's eyes focused past them to the rest of the room. "Peeta? Is that your dad?"
Peeta looked. The tables at the other end of the room were sitting with their backs to the Victors. "Yup."
"Is that…" Johanna squeezed her eyes shut a moment, then looked again. "Is that Katniss' mom?"
"They've become something of an item in recent weeks." Katniss admitted without turning. At Peeta's look she flushed. "Maybe a little longer than that."
Johanna's face contorted; like something in her mouth was trying to fight its way out. She got herself back under control with difficulty. "Hey, Storyteller? Your father anything like you?"
"Nice?" Katniss queried.
"A hopeless romantic." Johanna clarified. Her face twisted again, she got it back under control.
"If anything, I think Papa Mellark is worse than Peeta on that score." Gale put in. "Word is, he's planning to propose."
Johanna's eyes bulged comically for a moment. "Which would make Katniss and Peeta… step-siblings."
"Yeah. And in the near future, too. We're trying not to think about that." Peeta mumbled under his breath.
Johanna's face twitched again, and this time she couldn't hold it back. "That's-That's- HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" She burst out laughing hysterically. The laughter kept going, Johanna starting to thrash around, slamming a fist on the table, over and over.
Katniss rolled her eyes. Everyone was looking over. Raucous laughter wasn't the most common of sounds in Thirteen. "It's not that funny."
"I-I- (GASP) know that! Hahahahahaa!" Johanna covered her face with her hands. "Hahahaha! Peeta, HAHAHA, can't-stop! Hehehee-helpme!" Johanna had tears rolling down her face, in hysterics.
"Alright, come on." Peeta rose, scooped her up off the bench, and carried her out of the Mess Hall, Bridal Style. She kept cackling like a crazy woman into his shoulder the whole time.
"That was weird." Johanna groaned, exhausted. "Mmm, dig your thumbs in a little harder, babe."
Peeta had carried her to her room, and stayed close until the laughter faded. Johanna had been on the verge of passing out as soon as she could breathe properly. He'd rubbed her back, right between the shoulder blades, trying to calm her, and somehow it had turned into a massage. "Better laughter than anything else." He told her. "The Doc says you'd have almost no impulse or emotional control for a while. It's why they don't want to leave you alone. They told me to watch you in the kitchens, in case you went for the knives. They say your body will heal faster than your mind."
"The headshrinkers here don't have a damn clue. Three sessions, and all he does is remind me that 'I'm totally safe here'."
"Stupid thing to tell any Victor." Peeta agreed. "What was that thing with Katniss? Before you found the funny."
"Gale said they knew about the electrical disruptors. Portable camera equipment; frequency finders, biometric hacking equipment… They keep those jammers on standby constantly at Capitol Interrogation Camps. It's how they make sure nobody ever finds out what happens in those rooms. Why would Coin send a strike team with useless weapons?"
"Nobody was meant to know they were even there."
"Rule Number One, Peeta: Nothing goes according to plan. Ever." Johanna yawned. "We, of all people, know this to the true. So was it bad luck, or was sending bombers the real plan all along?"
"Well… Don't tell anyone this, but I thought the same. So I snuck the bow and quiver into Katniss' hovercraft."
Johanna laughed again, this one dark and cold. "You're a player, Storyteller. I think you're a bigger threat to Coin than Snow could ever be. I don't know why you don't see it; but she sure as hell does." She turned over painfully, laying out under him, looking up at his eyes. "Hey." She said quietly. "Does my little fit mean we can't go to the surface?"
Katniss and Gale had a regular time to go to the surface for hunting, and the four of them together filled the elevator neatly.
Out in the woods, Johanna felt something relax inside her. Something she hadn't even noticed was coiled tight. She wasn't as 'at home' with nature as Katniss or Gale, but she breathed in the trees and felt more comfortable than she had since the Arena.
The surface had no roads, no pathways. Nothing that could lead a capitol bomber any closer.
The District Twelve Foursome made their way through the woods until they found a likely spot. Gale and Katniss went looking for deer, Peeta and Johanna stayed behind, looking around for flowers.
Katniss came back half an hour later, and pointed uphill. "It was a good hunt. Two deer. Gale's dressing one of them now; but we're running out of time before Thirteen gets nervous. He's going to need some help hoisting the other one."
Peeta glanced at Johanna, who nodded. Katniss would stay with her. Peeta clambered over the ridge, heading for Gale.
The two of them regarded each other silently. It was the first time they'd been alone together since Katniss had left Twelve behind for good.
"Our lives would be very different if they'd just let you volunteer." Johanna said finally.
"The thought occurred." Katniss nodded. "But that's true of a lot of things. If my sister was alive, if my father had called in sick that day, if we'd gotten you out of the Arena like we were meant to… I wish I knew, sometimes."
"I'm glad to never know. The 'what ifs' will make you crazy." Johanna told her. "For example: If they'd let you volunteer, would the war have a chance?"
"If they'd let me volunteer, would Prim be alive?" Katniss countered.
"If they'd drawn Gale's name instead of Peeta's, would you and the Storyteller be together right now?" Johanna returned.
"If they'd drawn anyone's name but Prim's, would Peeta have wept over them enough to start an Uprising?" Katniss wondered.
"If you had gotten me out that night in the Arena, would Peeta still demand Coin rescue Finnick?" Johanna guessed.
"If I was willing to play along with the cameras after Peeta's first Games; would I have gotten to the Capitol, able to kill Snow without a war?"
"If you had, would the world be better, or worse in the aftermath?"
None of these questions had answers, and the two of them were silent.
"Gale and I broke up." Katniss said suddenly, out of nowhere. She actually looked surprised that she said it.
Johanna gave her a long look. "Why did you just tell me that?"
"I don't know. I… I only ever talked about personal stuff with Prim. I don't know who else to tell."
Johanna stared at her longer, blinking slowly. "What happened?"
"During the battle in Two…" Katniss said awkwardly. "I took a long hard look at some of the things I was looking forward to doing, before Peeta just walked out into the battlefield and kept waving a white flag until they surrendered. And it suddenly hit me that I was turning into a monster."
"Like me." Johanna said matter-of-factly.
"Well… yeah." Katniss admitted. "While you've been working on the wedding, Gale's been down in Special Development with Beetee, working up traps and weapons. Terrible Weapons. The kind that you use when... well, when you look forward to brutally murdering your enemies; and you don't even care who trips them first. He's good at it. And in Two, I would have used them all." She looked down. "I don't like that part of me. And I know for a fact that Prim would hate it. And her Ghost is kind of my conscience right now."
"You don't know what Prim would think after Twelve was wiped out. If she were alive you could ask her." Johanna said roughly.
"That's been my driving force since I joined the army." Katniss admitted. "But it stopped working for me when I saw that little girl with Peeta. It was like Prim came back from the dead just to sit with him." She shivered. "So I told Gale there were lines we couldn't cross, and he pointed out that Snow has no line at all; and I told him that was a reason to stop; and we ended up having a fight that stripped paint off the walls."
Johanna said nothing for a long time. "Does Peeta know?"
"You're wondering about one more what-if: If the war ended tomorrow, which of us would Peeta really want to end up with?" Katniss quipped.
"That one I can guess." Johanna said simply. "Peeta will pick whoever needs him the most."
Katniss could have said it. Odds were that Johanna would need him more than anyone, no matter how tough a face she wore. "So, I guess you're right. The 'what ifs' are the worst part."
"Second worst. Because I don't know if Peeta and I are going to make it once I go through Boot Camp." Johanna told her without any anger, and by then, Peeta had returned with the Deer over one shoulder, and a bundle of wildflowers in his free hand.
Annie had the same bunch of wildflowers in her hands during the wedding. District Four weddings involved the bride and groom binding their arms together, so she had to pass the flowers off to Peeta, standing as Peeta's best man. Johanna was in the back of the room, with her spine plastered against the wall. Every eye was on the happy couple, who could have been alone in the world for all the attention they payed to anyone else. Coin performed the ceremony, as the only real authority in Thirteen. It made for good Propo fodder; but Johanna suspected they knew the vows by heart. She wondered if they'd said those words to each other a thousand times before in secret.
Cinna had been pressed into service, making wedding dresses and styling the whole wedding party. Johanna noted that Effie was the only member of the audience to have Cinna's signature style.
And then there was dancing. The kids sang the District Four wedding song; so their parents were enraptured. Thirteen had never had a straight up celebration of something as nebulous as love. The wedding party, including the betrothed; hadn't had anything but war and fear for so long it was a release of emotion that nearly made them all leave the planet.
Johanna was bawling her eyes out at the "I Do's", so happy for Finnick and his bride that she almost hated them for making her feel something so grandly.
Peeta noticed Katniss was alone, plastered against the opposite wall to the rest of the District Twelve team. With a glance back at Johanna, Peeta sidled over to her. "Dance with me."
Katniss jumped. "I… no."
"That wasn't a question." He said seriously. "We're broadcasting this to every hungry, scared person in Panem. Don't you want Snow to see the Rebel Heroes dancing?"
Katniss let out a hiss under her breath and followed him out onto the dancefloor. "Johanna will hate this."
"Johanna is trying very hard to be invisible. She sees one dance step with you, and she'll be tangoing with Gale before the music stops."
And despite herself, Katniss laughed at that image.
Finnick and Annie were the centre of attention, but Peeta and Katniss were arguably the most famous faces of the Rebellion, and the cameras always made sure to know where they were.
Johanna watched them dance, eyes shining, face stone. Mags suddenly appeared at Johanna's elbow. She murmured gently. It was a command to follow.
Mags led her to a quiet room, away from everyone, and gave Johanna a big hug. The old woman looked unwell, skin seeming thin and pale grey. But the look in her eyes was a command to speak.
And Johanna found herself confessing. "They look right together." She whispered. "Peeta and Katniss. They look… right. I can see them living happily ever after."
Mags waited, holding her hands in Johanna's.
Johanna sniffed. "I've been in captivity for a million lifetimes. It breaks you down. I got through it by making myself a ball of solid hate. And… I know this doesn't make sense, but at least some of that hate got pointed at myself. You saw the footage of the rescue?"
Mags nodded.
"The way I looked didn't 'just happen'. They made me subhuman. They break you by making you less than a mutt. Less than a cockroach, waiting to be crushed. You saw me when they got me out. I couldn't walk. Could barely move at all. I just… lay on the floor in their cells between sessions of more pain. I lay there, just a smear of blood on the floor; with nothing to do but think about how much I hated them, and how nobody had come to rescue me. And I know I'm better now. I can walk around like a person, and my hair's growing back, and the sores are healed over, but… Doesn't change the fact. I look in the mirror, I look almost like a human. But then I look away from the mirror and I'm nothing but a smear on the floor again."
And Mags hugged her.
"I know it's just the trauma talking. I know I'm not thinking right. But I can't imagine why Peeta would want to come and rescue a smear on the floor. I can't imagine what he might love about a smear on the floor. Part of me feels like I should just-"
Mags shushed her, rocking her like she was a little baby. The old woman pulled back after a long warm cuddle and very carefully made herself understandable, barely. "Finn."
Johanna gave a watery smile. "I know. Finnick got better. Enough for tonight."
Mags shook her head. That wasn't it. She put both hands over her heart and said it again. "Finn-k."
Johanna understood. "You still love Finnick just as much, even after all this?"
Mags wept without shame, tears rolling over her big smile. "Morr."
Johanna cried too. "I wish I had you, Mags. You took such good care of those two messed up kids. I wish I had a mom like you back in Seven."
Mags pointed back in the direction of the wedding. That took longer, but Johanna got there. All the people who loved and cared for Johanna were on the dancefloor right now. At a wedding. Such things were actually possible for tortured former Victors. Nobody but Johanna and Finnick knew what it was like to go through the things they'd been through. And Finnick was more loved and fulfilled than he'd been in his entire life.
"I know what you're trying to say." Johanna told Mags. "But Finnick's war is over. And mine isn't."
"Can I cut in?"
Katniss jumped a bit, seeing Johanna materialize beside her and Peeta, and she smiled. "Sure." She stepped aside instantly.
Johanna moved to Peeta, arms going around him. They didn't dance. She didn't exactly hug him, either. The two of them just… came together, until there was nobody else in the room. Maybe nobody else in the world. Peeta still swayed a little to the music, not even moving his feet. She rocked back and forth in time with him, putting her lips close to his ear. "I love you." She said gently. "And I believe you love me. But I still have to go back to the fight. That's not something you can talk me out of. I have to. More than meds, more than therapy. More than healing. More than being alive, I need that."
"More than me?" He whispered back. No anger. Just a question.
"I don't know yet." She admitted. "Definite maybe."
He just held her tighter. "I think… I think that I spent your entire time away holding onto the idea that I might be able to get you back. And now that you're in my arms again, I don't know if I can ever let go."
Johanna pressed her face against his neck and breathed deep. You still smell the same. I was afraid I remembered it wrong.
Effie was waiting for them when they came back in the elevator. "There you are! I didn't want to interrupt the festivities." Effie said brightly to Johanna. "I thought you might want this. Cinna asked me to give it to you."
It was a make-up kit. Something unheard of in Thirteen. It either belonged to Effie or Cinna. Johanna twitched at the idea of a gift. She had nothing at all. The drawers and closet in Peeta's quarters were all empty, except for the Mockingjay pin. "Make-up?" Johanna heard her voice say. "I dunno, Effie. You look better without it."
Effie blushed a little. "Why thank you. But I thought you might like…" She pulled her head in. "No. Silly idea."
"Effie." Johanna cut her off. "Tell Cressida I'd like an interview, at her convenience. And tell Cinna I'm ready whenever he is."
Peeta looked at her, surprised.
Johanna shrugged. "Either I go on camera, or the last word is that freakout video."
Peeta stayed with Johanna while Cinna made her up. He didn't paint her, so much as cover some of the damage. Not a lot. Coin wanted the world to see what the Capitol had done. Johanna wanted the world to see her recovering. Cinna was accenting Johanna's face, highlighting the fact that she had come through it.
While Cinna worked, Johanna spoke to Peeta; glad for the distraction, so that she wouldn't have to look too deep in his eyes while she told him. "There's something you should know. I feel like if I don't tell you this, it's jealousy and cowardice. Both of which are things I'm secretly turned on by, but not right now." Johanna vamped around Cinna's brushes. "Katniss and I got to talking while we were outside-"
"They broke up." Peeta said with a nod.
"Gale told you?"
"No, but at the wedding, Gale didn't even try to dance with her."
Johanna wasn't sure whether to feel better or worse. "Is that why you pulled her out onto the dancefloor?"
"Yeah." Peeta nodded matter-of-factly, and then he was suddenly stunned as it dawned on him. Even a bit offended. "You thought it was because...? Jo, after everything we've gone through-"
"I know." Johanna scowled. She thought it would be easier with Cinna as a diversion, but it wasn't.
Cinna put his brushes down. "Peeta, I need to get something. Give me a hand?"
Peeta was still on Johanna. "I'll be right back." He told her.
The moment the door closed between them and her, Cinna spoke softly. "Be careful. Johanna's injuries? The serious ones are the ones you can't see."
"I know." Peeta nodded seriously.
"Her 'jealousy'? She's right, it doesn't make sense; but Johanna needs to be strong in herself; and she can't be. Not after everything she's been through. She needs a lot of reassurance, but she cannot ask for it. She needs revenge, but she's in no shape to go after it. She needs validation; and she doesn't see anything left to approve of. She's all bravado, but the parts of her that gave her that bravado? She used it all up just to maintain until her rescue."
Peeta nodded. "Then I have to put her focus off her own feeling of powerlessness."
Cinna blinked. "Interesting. How do you plan to do that?"
"My name is Johanna Mason. I was far too young for the Arena. We all were. But we are stronger than our traumas. The Capitol knows we are, which is why they keep coming up with new ways to hurt us. I know that if I can make it through the horrors and get to the other side, so can everyone else. By now, the whole country knows what I went through; at least on some level. As you can see, I'm still scarred in places… And no, there is no baby. But I don't want to talk about that. President Snow, if you think I can't come back from whatever hell you put me through; you're wrong. I know that now. I can survive anything you can dish out. And so can the Rebellion. And so can your slaves. It's our Arena now… And it's our world. The long dark I went through was the hour before the dawn. Look up, Panem. It's a new day.
"Oh, and if Snow is watching? I am going to kill you."
He kissed her warmly when the cameras turned off, proud of her. The subject of their ongoing problem came up again late that night, as they prepared to sleep. She got into the bed, more exhausted than she should be.
"I know you wouldn't just 'abandon' me." Johanna said out of nowhere when he came in from the bathroom, though it was clear it had been on her mind for a while. "Not when I'm like this. In my head I know that. But I have a lot of fears that don't make logical sense now.
"How many of them are about me?" He asked.
"Just one." She admitted. "Katniss. But the thing is, I don't think that should be a factor."
Peeta blinked. "I don't follow."
Johanna hesitated. "Well, if I tell you what I'm thinking, are you going to tell anyone else?"
Peeta mimed zipping his lips shut.
"When I was in the Hellhole, I spent a lot of time thinking about my death. Now that I'm out, I don't particularly want to speed that process up; but I do know that I'm not at all scared of it happening. Katniss and Gale got me outta there. If you do decide you wanna be with her; even after all this, I can live with it. To be honest, I don't think I could approve of anyone else."
She was expecting a swift denial, but he said nothing for a long moment. "Are you sorry that we got together?" Peeta asked finally.
"I spent a lot of time finding ways to hate myself." Johanna admitted. "That's how it works when you're in their grip. You relive your life, trying to figure out what you did wrong to wind up in such a state. You try hard enough, you can hate yourself for anything. All the positive thinking gets beaten out of you. I saw the way you looked at Katniss when she sang, and just for a moment, I saw it. The happily ever after you never got because of Snow. I'm an obstacle to that."
"Jo, you didn't get between us. The Arena did that."
"Katniss went through this exact thinking too. For me, it was the Torture, for her it was Prim. But she's recovering from that at last. And you have a knack for making people better."
"People. But not you?"
"If Katniss had decided a year ago that she was able to move on from Prim, you and she would-"
"But she didn't, and we aren't." Peeta interrupted. "We don't end up with people out of some divine plan that has to be set right when it hits a bump in the road. We get where we are from choices we make. If our lives were different, who knows what could happen. But they aren't different. This is our life. The life where you and I are together. The life where you and I fought like hell to find each other again. I won't apologize for that. And the one thing I can't forgive is having you hate me for loving you; because I've been through that before."
Johanna had no answer to that.
"You wanna know my fear?" Peeta said, tucking her in warmly. "My fear is that your heart is such a jumble after the Capitol was done with you, that you'll walk away from people who love you, for reasons that don't make sense, even to yourself. My fear is that if you do that, you'll throw yourself at the war and kill yourself; rather than take the chance that you can live without vengeance suffocating your whole life. My fear is that Snow beat you, even after you escaped." He cupped her face with one hand. "Except my fear doesn't seem so irrational just now." He let his voice waver. "Please, Jo? Trust me a little longer?"
Johanna sank into her covers. She'd not been so comfortable in captivity. "I feel like I have to balance the scales." She admitted. "Like I have to make something right, and do something as good for you as I feel you deserve. But I don't know if I still can. I don't know if I have the capacity to do it anymore."
Peeta sat with her. "How would you do it? If you could?"
Johanna stared at him. "I want to do something noble, and send you to Katniss, wrapped in a bow. It would be an act of love. I would wish you luck in your lives together and feel like a goddamn angel for doing it; giving two of my favorite people a fairy-tale ending." She said finally. "I also want to claim you. I'd tie you down to this bed, and ride you half to death. I want to go to win the war, raining fire on every person who ever smiled while watching the Games. I also want to run away from Panem and find a place that doesn't know what the Hungers Games are. I want to lock Snow in the same torture chamber I was in and spend months finding new ways to make him beg for death. And I want to brick up the door to it so that nobody ever sees it again, not even the enemy. I want your hands to touch me all over without even stopping to eat and sleep, until we both die of old age. And I want to lock myself in a dark room where nobody, especially you, can so much as look at me ever again." She shivered hard. "And I don't know which of those things is going to win out." She said finally. "I think I'm a little insane now, Peeta. And I know you think I'm too screwed up to be sure of anything, but I do love you. I'm not sure that keeping you is a kind move on my part, but I love you."
"And I love you." Peeta promised back. "I spent most of my life wanting someone to say those words to me. For now, let's just be happy about the fact that I can say them, and that you can hear me; and let the rest go."
He's afraid. Johanna realized. After all this, he's more scared that I'll cut him loose than anything else.
And is he wrong? You're a mess, going from rage to hysterics so fast even you can't figure it out. And he can't stay with you if you go to the Capitol. The breaking point is coming for one of you, and unless you decide he's worth more to you than...
"Peeta?" She said softly. "Let me hold you tonight? You've been wrapping me up every night since I got back, like you're a human security blanket. Let me do that for you now?"
Peeta smiled a bit and slid down a bit further, laying his head against her chest. It was new for them. They'd always met halfway. Since her rescue, he'd been taking care of her. This was the first time she felt like she was protecting him from his own bad dreams instead. She wrapped him up in her arms, still thinner than what was healthy.
He lay his head on her chest, right over her heartbeat, and they shifted until they were both comfortable. "You still get the panic attacks?" She asked quietly.
"Haven't had a single one since we got you back." Peeta promised.
She didn't see Peeta's look of relief, but for one whole night, she didn't think about her own worries at all.
AN: Not much explanation needed for this chapter. I thought that of all moments in Mockingjay-Canon; the wedding should be sacred. It gave everyone a moment; and let us see where everyone was at.