Chapter 9: Hope...Prolongs the Torments of Man

Chapter Text

James sat at the bar, spooning warm soup into his mouth, ignoring his mother. Ginny flitted from one area to the next, straightening his few belongings, then setting about writing down a list. She muttered under her breath of things to pick up from the store. Milk, eggs, vegetables, fruit, meat, bowls, plates, cups, etcetera. James ground his teeth.

How did she even know he was gay? He thought he'd always hid it very well. He had a plethora of girlfriends throughout school. The crush on Teddy had been the deepest secret of his heart. Even his experiments with other boys had been closeted away in well warded closets at Hogwarts, with stern swears to never tell. Wizardkind grew more accepting as time passed, but it was not so forgiving of same-sex relationships as one might hope. Being Harry Potter's son meant his outing would be rather public, and so would his shaming.

James didn't plan on hiding forever, but why deal with the fuss sooner than he had to? He had fantasies of an extended, private courtship between Teddy and himself, only announcing their relationship when they were to be married. They would present a unified front, and they would be such a sweet and happy couple that no one could help but to root for them. Any hate that came their way would be handled as partners, in life and love.

"I wasn't trying to insinuate anything about your figure," Ginny finally said. "Or your preferences."

The young wizard snorted. "You pinched my fat and implied I was gay." James shrugged gruffly. "Which I am. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"There's not," agreed Ginny. "I always suspected." She smiled, amused, at his incredulous look. "I'm your mother. I know you. Besides, you don't hide things very well, Jay."

"Yeah, well," James muttered. Relief settled over him, the same warm comfort as the blanket still wrapped around him.

Ginny rested her arms on the counter that separated them, leaning forward to look him in the eye. Now that he knew whose eyes he shared, he couldn't help but look away from her. She was his mother, she'd said. She was, at that. Who else came by with all of the proper cures for a stomachache? Even though he hadn't seen her or spoken to her properly all summer? Even though he'd been so upset with them all, including her, all that time?

James did miss her, though. He missed all of them, and he hated that he did. Only because he was feeling unwell and his guard was down, could he accept her presence so easily.

"James, have you been intimate with a boy?" Ginny asked awkwardly.

"Mum!" James snapped, leaning away from her, heat staining his face red.

"Answer me," she said firmly.

"Yes, and?" James snapped.

"James. I am genuinely concerned that you might be pregnant," Ginny said. James gaped at her, aghast, but she was dead serious. "You were on the receiving end?" However put together she appeared, however take-charge her manner, there was an awkwardness to that tone. Her own face was bright pink, even as she watched him closely.

James swallowed, the jerk of his head possibly a nod. "But I can't be pregnant, Mum. I didn't take the potion. I swear I didn't! I wouldn't do that to T-" He quickly cut off before finishing Teddy's name. Ginny did not latch onto the near slip. She did not make demands about any Toms or Tylers or Todds. It was not his lover that mattered to her.

"Masculo Praegnatio is only intended to be taken when a man wants to become pregnant," Ginny agreed. "It is the only known potion to induce a male pregnancy, and can only be successful in one way." Anal sex with another man. James shifted the blanket around himself. "It is intended to be taken before each encounter, and is not intended to remain in the system for longer than twelve hours. I know, James. Trust me. Potions may not be my strong suit, but this one I know plenty about."

She might know some of it, since her husband had become pregnant. James didn't even know how that came to be. He never meant to ask. Severus was the inventor of the potion. It had been released to the public three years after his birth, a year after Al's. Did Severus use Harry as a guinea pig? Did his father accept the potion willingly, or did Severus spike his juice with it? No, no, these were possibilities James had no interest in pondering.

"Look at me, James," Ginny said, and she waited. James's eyes flicked from wall to wall before finally settling on his mother. Bright brown eyes were steady, serious, reinforcing the truth and gravity of the words she spoke. "Your father took the potion by accident, James. He was feeling unwell and went to Snape's stores and grabbed the wrong phial. What he took was an tester of what is today the Masculo Praegnatio. It was not ready." Ginny tapped the counter top warningly when James looked away. Reluctantly he met her eyes again. "We were lucky you and Harry were both okay. We weren't sure how the potion would affect either of you. Hannah Longbottom closely monitored his pregnancy, and cared for you both for months after you were born. She had some medical training. Since we couldn't turn to a fully trained healer, we relied on her.

"But you have to understand, we were working with an unlicensed healer, and an experimental potion," Ginny continued. "A year after you were born, your father got pregnant again. This time, there was no potion intake." Ginny swallowed. "The potion stayed in his system, changed his body, so that he retained the ability to get pregnant. After Albus was born, Severus began brewing him contraceptives that he has taken every month since then." Hesitation now, as Ginny toyed with the strings of her bag. "We never thought it might affect you boys. You were so physically healthy, we never considered if the potion might have transferred to you. I…I don't know if that's what this is. Maybe I'm wrong. But I would like to call Hannah here just to see, okay?"

James nodded numbly. It couldn't be real, could it? Surely he hadn't developed some genetic abnormality due to his father's potion use nearly two decades ago. No, you had to take the potion to get pregnant. Wizards did not get pregnant without it. It had to be a mistake. His mother was jumping to conclusions because of her own internal struggles. She was projecting. Hannah would come and prove her wrong. They'd have a good laugh about it. He'd tease his mother for the rest of her days for her silly assumptions. One day, when he and Teddy did decide to have children, they'd look back at this moment with fond amusement.

Unthinkingly, James's hand drifted to his stomach as Ginny firecalled Hannah.

Hannah understood Ginny's concerns when she explained them. A half hour she waited while her friend found an employee to come in early so she could leave work. It was the longest half hour of her life. Restless energy urged James to pace the room, muttering to himself. Ginny leaned against the wall, staring out of the window blankly.

"Hullo," Hannah said when she finally stepped out of the Floo. She smiled kindly at James and motioned to the couch. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"

James laid out on the couch as instructed, Hannah kneeling beside him. Ginny joined them, sitting on the arm of the couch, reaching down to stroke James's hair. The boy worried his lip with teeth. As she'd always done when he was a child, she reached down to pinch his chin pointedly. James licked his lips nervously instead as Hannah frowned, performing the diagnostic spell necessary to determine pregnancy. Ginny had seen it before and knew what it meant, those hazy blue lights that sparked over his midsection.

"I'm sorry, James," Hannah said, looking from Ginny to James. "You're pregnant."

"Oh," James said, voice as hollow as Ginny felt. Her fear confirmed. The three sat in silence, all eyes on those blue lights as they faded to nothing.

When Severus awoke, he felt he was being watched. Soft fingertips traced lazy patterns into his bare chest. Frowning, Severus blearily opened his eyes, greeted immediately by two bright emeralds gazing softly down at him. Harry was propped up on his elbow, free hand still drawing designs into his flesh. Swollen pink lips curved up into a fond smile. "Good morning, Sev."

"Harry," Severus said stiffly. The boy's smile grew wider, amused by him. Severus scowled. "Good morning."

Rarely had they slept in each other's presence, not since their earliest days. Always Harry was rushing off to his wife and children, leaving Severus well enough alone. This sunny morning with Harry stretched out beside him, in no hurry to leave, was new. Severus found himself at a loss as to what to do or say.

"I thought I might go into work a little late this morning," Harry said uncertainly.

"I should rather head in soon, myself," Severus declined, glancing away from that bright gaze. "I begin a new round of tests this morning."

"Sure," Harry said, fingers drumming nervously into Severus's ribs. Severus gently took hold of them and removed the hand from his person. "Shall I…come by after work?"

"I'm not sure when I'll wrap up today," Severus said, focusing his gaze on the corner of the ceiling.

"Ah," Harry said, tone chilly. "You'll be meeting with Esther today?"

"Indeed," Severus agreed. They did work together, after all, regardless of Harry's insecurities. Did he owe Esther, he wondered, an explanation? His guilt? From the beginning it had been only sex, no strings attached, and even their newfound addition of date nights had not been meant as any form of commitment. Perhaps he should have been clearer on that front.

For that matter, he and Harry did not have any sort of agreements in place. Harry had come here with his assumptions. His heart lifted as he considered his lover's words from the previous night. Severus had his chance now, with Harry. Almost he could hope. Realistically, he knew better. A break was a temporary arrangement. Harry might believe he was offering a treat, but in the end he would return to Ginevra, just as he always did.

And just as he always did, he would leave Severus's heart trampled behind him.

Unless, of course, Severus could convince him otherwise. He had six months to do so. The dark matter of lust and greed swelled deep within his soul. Yes, he could apply all of his cleverness into seducing the brat. Harry belonged to him, and at last he might have the one he craved. The darkness within turned sharp, thorny, reaching out to the wizard beside him, to sink in its claws and hold him steadfast, digging in its talons and pulling him into its shadowy depths. Severus would tuck him away and keep him forever. Cling to him suffocatingly, devour him whole. Wholly he would be Severus's, hidden away from the world, his secret treasure.

There was nothing he wanted more, but it was a fool's dream.

Birds chirped cheerily outside. The yellow sunlight smiled upon the bed. Harry's body was warm comfort at his side. He smelled of dried sweat and sex. Black hair was rumpled fetchingly. Severus was well acquainted with every curve, every scar, every inch of that body. Fierce, painful joy pierced him. This, unfolding into forever. This, for the rest of his life. Terrible fantasies plagued his weary mind. Harry, with him, where he belonged.

Cruel of Harry, to offer such lies.

"I will owl you when I am finished, if that is satisfactory," Severus offered. There were six months, after all, of unfettered access to the athletic body at his side. If nothing else, Severus could indulge there, even as the ugliest face of his nature pleaded for more. Hope was an ugly gift. One he would have to punish the boy for.

Harry beamed at him, a childlike glimmer of unadulterated pleasure lighting his eyes. "Sure. Yeah, I'd like that." Severus quickly jerked himself out of bed, sweeping into the shower next door before the boy could break his heart further with his open adoration.

Hogwarts gossiped about Albus and Mabel's breakup for all of a few days. Neither could go to class without their peers leaning in close to ask what had happened. Resolutely, neither responded. Albus would meet curious gazes with coldness, waiting them out until they turned away uneasily. Fire blazed in Mabel's eyes as she looked challengingly at questioners, offering strained kindness in her refusal to answer.

A pack of her fellow Hufflepuffs surrounded Mabel protectively at all times. Albus had only Scorpius, but it was Albus himself who stood ready to defend himself against further intrusions.

"No wonder she broke up with him," whispered a fourth year Ravenclaw as she scurried away.

"I heard he cheated on her. Just like a Slytherin!"

"Nah, she was way too nice for him. He got bored."

"But they used to be so in love," lamented a fifth year Gryffindor as Albus and Scorpius turned a corner one afternoon. Albus's jaw twitched. He had never told Mabel he loved her. It wasn't love. It could have been, might have been, had he stayed any longer.

"He's a Potter," snorted Almeda Fawley, a fellow sixth year Slytherin. "He can do better." From the flirtatious smiles she offered him in the common room, Albus knew just who Almeda thought would be better for him. She was a pretty enough girl. Tall and slim, with alabaster skin, blood red hair down to her waist, and eyes the same purple-gray of storm clouds, she had plenty of suitors herself. She had never shown interest in Albus before, but since his newfound availability, a predatory gleam had entered her eyes.

But she was no Mabel.

Professor Longbottom was as cordial to him as ever. In fact, he went out of his way to make chit chat during class, which Albus assumed was his way of showing the breakup would have no affect on their relationship. He had to admit, it eased his soul. Neville and Hannah had been a part of his life all growing up. They were like an extra uncle and aunt. Their closeness with the Potters made sense, given all they knew.

Maybe his parents had told the Longbottoms what befell them over summer. Maybe Neville understood. Albus certainly hoped so. He didn't want to lose more than just Mabel.

By the third day, the school's gossip train had found fresh meat. Velma Thomas and Xavia Zabini had been caught "canoodling" in the Astronomy Tower well past curfew by Headmistress McGonagall herself. Two girls, enemies on the Quidditch field, Gryffindor and Slytherin, it had all the makings of a good drama. Albus was starting to think he was in the clear.

"They say Xavia Imperiused Velma," Albus contributed cheerily.

"They always think the worst of us, don't they?" sighed Scorpius.

"Yes, but it adds to our mystery and prestige!" Besides, Albus thought, no one really thought Xavia used an Unforgivable Curse. Did any proof exist, she would have been expelled and hauled to the Ministry for sure.

"Is that why you broke up with Mabel? For the mystery and prestige?"

Scorpius tripped over his robes at the sound of Rose Weasley's voice. Albus rolled his eyes before turning to face his cousin. She had been trailing silently behind them on their way out to Care of Magical Creatures. Rose frowned distastefully at Scorpius as the boy hastily smoothed down his blond hair. Her frizzy red hair whipped across her face in the wind, obscuring her calculating expression.

"Why does it matter to you, Rose?" Albus asked exasperatedly.

"She's a good person," Rose explained. "And she's devastated." A shrewd look crossed her face. "Did you cheat on her?"

Denial twisted his lips, but he clamped them shut. For days he had kept himself from responding to the most ludicrous of accusations. He was not going to falter now at the most innocuous of them.

His cousin's expression softened. "I thought not. So, what was it, then?"

"Leave well enough alone," Albus said, continuing his trek out to Hagrid's teaching area.

"Do you actually find her dull, then?" Rose asked. "Because I quite agree, but that's not a good enough reason to break up with someone. There are more important aspects to a relationship than entertainment value."

May was not dull by any means, Albus argued internally. Just because she wasn't mean or quick with her words, because she opted for pleasantries over cleverness, because she cared more for others than herself, none of these were good enough reasons to call a person boring. If anyone took the chance to get to know her, they would find her endlessly fascinating. She had plenty to say, if you gave her the chance to express herself. The placidness of her listener persona gave way to passionate glee for most things. She had a zest for life, did Mabel. Genuinely, she enjoyed people and things and experiences, never taking for granted what the world offered her.

"One also needs stability in a partnership," Scorpius added in conversationally. "A partner they can count on. It so happens that I have a very healthy inheritance, as well as a variety of career options…Rose? Where are you going?"

Shaking her head in disgust, Rose sped ahead of them, disappearing into a crowd of Gryffindors once she joined the class. "Good work, Scorp," Albus said, clapping his disappointed friend on the back. "I thought she'd never drop it."

Hagrid offered a very colorful lesson on fwoopers that day. The brightly colored birds perched on their professor, in his hair, on his shoulders, one even hanging upside down from his belt. That particular fwooper glared at them, as if daring them to comment on his humiliation. Hagrid explained their mating habits, their lifespan, and other dull tidbits in the first minute. From there he gave a lengthy, enthusiastic lecture about their patterned eggs (collector's items), their beautiful feathers (used for quills), and a teary-eyed ode to their insanity-causing song. Colorful feathers were carried by the wind, dancing with the fallen leaves in the grass. Albus plucked an orange one from near his foot, idly thinking of it being Mabel's favorite color as he carefully placed it in the inner pocket of his robes.

"Jus' a second won' do no harm," Hagrid said, lifting the one from his belt. It's head bulged alarmingly in his grip. Rose cried out, "No!" as Hagrid lifted the Silencing Charm.

"Silencio!" Albus and Rose shouted, wands out and aimed at the vengeful fwooper. Fearfully the other students screamed as they ran for Hagrid's nearby hut. The fwooper sang its high pitched song as the spells shot right past him. He hovered, godlike, before them wings spread to their fullest potential.

And Hagrid snatched him out of midair, gently squeezing his little throat. The lime green bird's head puffed up again, eyes near popping. Rose quickly cast a successful Silencing Charm on the bird before either Hagrid or the fwooper itself could do more harm.

Albus placed his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Rose twirled a green feather around in her fingers, then placed it in Albus's untamed hair. "I know we're not as close as we used to be, but you can talk to me, you know. If you need to. If you want to." She offered him a smile.

"Thanks, Rose."

It would not be to Rose that Albus would unload himself. Still, he toyed with her words as the class headed back to the castle for lunch. It would be nice to confide in Rose, to be good friends again. They had been joined at the hip as children. Both witty, both curious, both self-satisfied. It was their Sortings that divided them, however silly it seemed. House rivalries were childish things. They'd always sworn to be best friends no matter what, whether they both made it into Ravenclaw or neither (the House both preferred when setting out on the Hogwarts Express). Pinky promises between children were no bar to reality.

"You picked that feather for her, didn't you?" Scorpius asked.

Confused, his hand drifted up to his hair where the green feather waved like a flag between the black locks. Blushing, he remembered the orange feather still safe in his robes.

"You can talk to me, too, you know?" his friend offered. "It…it's something to do with your parents, isn't it?"

Throat tight, Albus nodded.

"Thought so," Scorpius said. "My parents were madly in love. I wasn't sure Dad would survive when Mum passed away. Makes you really believe in love. I guess…what you're going through might have the opposite affect. Maybe seeing the ruin it might make you bitter about love."

"Not bitter," Albus whispered. Scared, he couldn't quite say.

"If you say so," Scorpius said. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"I know," Albus relented, walking closer to bump his shoulder against Scorpius's. "Sometimes I think you're the only one I can count on."

Scorpius laughed, the sound pleased, but there was something sad in his face. "That's not true, Al. Plenty of people would have your back. You just don't let them."

Albus considered this as they traipsed into the Great Hall. Over pumpkin juice and turkey sandwiches, Albus despairingly thought of his genetic inheritance. Harry Potter in miniature, at least in appearance; Severus Snape in mind and bearing. At times it seemed as if no one understood him, as if he was eternally out of place. Now he wondered if he didn't set himself apart. Had he always been this afraid of letting people in? Was it fear of people, or the ordinary? Albus wanted to be greater, craved to be "other", but also disliked ostracism. Self-imposed ostracism, maybe.

Slytherin to the core. A true Snape, at that. His pumpkin juice tasted as bitter as the thought.

Only when Hannah left did the reality sink in. Ginny was in the kitchen, putting the leftover soup in the fridge, cleaning dishes, wiping counters. The suspended disbelief held true until she heard James quietly sobbing from the couch. Ginny dropped her sponge, didn't bother drying her wet, sudsy hands as she ran to him. He sat there, arms spread helplessly, face twisted in stunned horror.

"Mum, I don't know what to do," he sobbed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She sank onto the couch beside him, pulling him close. "I can't be a dad. I'm not ready. I'm only eighteen. I'm supposed to play Quidditch. We were supposed to be married and settled first, I was supposed to be older. I didn't think this could happen. I didn't know!"

"I know, my baby, shhh," Ginny cooed, rubbing his back.

"Teddy's going to hate me, he's going to think I did this on purpose," James groaned. "We didn't plan this."

Ginny blinked, thoughts halting, refusing to acknowledge what James let slip. "Teddy?"

"Oh, Mum," James cried. "I made a mistake."

"I made a mistake." she recalled Harry saying nearly twenty years before. Things were good between them, better than ever. The threat of divorce sobered them, driving them to fight even harder for each other and the life they were building with one another. They'd had their day all planned, one Saturday. They would have brunch at the new local diner, do a little window shopping, then fly together just the two of them. Ginny had her own plans for that night, cooking dinner and serving it in the new negligee she'd recently owl ordered. It fit her like a dream. Harry would lose his mind when he saw her.

"What?" Ginny had asked, unconcerned. She sat her vanity, dabbing perfume on her neck. Harry stood in the doorway of their bedroom clutching a letter, face white. When she caught sight of his reflection in the mirror she frowned, turning in her chair to face him. "Harry?"

"Severus…" Harry licked his lips nervously and lifted the letter. "He says…I took a potion from his stores some months back, for a migraine. Only I grabbed one from the wrong shelf. They looked similar, and I…" His mouth worked soundlessly.

"Are you alright?" Ginny demanded, jumping to her feet. She snatched the letter out of his hand, scanning the contents. "What happened?"

"I'm pregnant," Harry whispered. His words rang in her ear over and over. She read the words on the parchment over and over. None of them made sense. "Or, I might be. We'll…have to check. But I…I think I might be."

Ginny just blinked, handing the letter back to Harry. The majority of the text had been Snape's familiar jibes against Harry's intellect, fury over the mistaken use of an experimental potion, and…other words. How many times have I had my cock in you since then, boy?" It was a phrase, an old saying, or a new one. Not one Ginny knew or understood.

"When we were separated," Harry admitted, voice barely audible. "I slept with Severus. We weren't together, and I…I was…I don't know. I don't know why I did it, but I did. And…" Fear in those beloved green eyes, the glint of a tear trailing down his cheek. His throat worked as he swallowed. Ginny gaped at him. Still the words had no meaning to her, as if he were speaking gibberish. "I don't know what to do."

"We'll have to ask for help," Ginny said. The words left her mouth, but she did not feel they were own. She was outside of her body, listening to herself speak. Her soul was numb. Whoever was taking charge now could not be Ginny, for Ginny was trapped in a fog.

"How? How do I…tell…I don't…"

"Hannah. She's training to be a healer," Ginny's mouth said. "She can help. We'll swear her to secrecy, her and Neville both. We'll get answers, and we'll go from there. We'll figure this out, Harry."

"We'll figure this out, James," Ginny promised presently. She held the trembling boy in her arms. "We'll get through this together."