The love at sea
After a failed sortie, I feel guilty...I ordered the push and almost got my ships killed. The First Carrier Division, Amagi, Belfast, Edinburgh, and my lead attacker, Prinz Eugen. There were too many of them... the Sirens...Those damn demons of the deep!
I decided to retreat when planes from Kaga and Akagi spotted a larger Siren fleet at the horizon. We would have been sunk otherwise. We sailed back to the base and the ships were repaired and put back into commission. I apologized to each one in particular for putting them in danger. It needed to be done. It was my fault...
Belfast and Edinburgh were as polite as ever. Even though I have never felt so bad about my actions at sea, they seemed like they already forgot when they were put back into commission. They easily forgave me. Not the same could be said about Eugen, though. She seemed pretty angry, but she said that I should never push an attack so hard, no matter the odds. I appreciated her advice and moved on. The fox sisters were all concerned for me. The one who was upset was Amagi. She seemed disappointed, but I promised that I will never push an attack so ruthlessly. This seemed to cheer her up a little, the fact that I was conscious of my actions that is. Kaga was pretty concerned as well. But Akagi...she seemed concerned about my psyche, about my mental health...she suggested that I should retire for a while. She said I needed a vacation. She could take care of my paperwork. She is a great secretary after all. That is why I appointed her to this post. She was formerly the second in command and secretary of Nagato, the empress of the Sakura Empire. She was a great flagship as well. I could direct the main airstrikes directly from her deck this always giving me the upper hand in battle, and together with Kaga, they were an unparalleled striking force. They were magnificent ships. But I digress... I appreciated Akagi's advice, but I was in charge of the fleet protecting Azur Lane. I was needed. I am responsible for my actions.
Despite all this, it does not feel right...the fact that they forgave me so easily, the fact that I treat most of them as assets, military units... They are ships, but also humans. And I am completely aware of that... they have feelings and enjoy the small things in life... they do not need to follow my orders blindly...I feel guilty. Guilty of putting them in danger, for not caring for them enough. I am tired of war! I want to feel love once more, to feel joy... I want to leave in peace once again...
After the evening check-up of the fleet, I locked myself into my office. I was ashamed. The high command did not punish me, but I would punish myself for letting such things happen. There are no words that could convey the guilt I felt. My order of that day was echoing inside my head: „Attack! Do not hesitate!". I lost control... Not even my flagship and secretary, my beloved friend, Akagi, visited me after the mission. I almost lost my most precious ships to the Siren fleet...The First Carrier Division...My Red Spider Lilly...
After the curfew, I stepped on the balcony of my office and lighted a cigarette to ease my pain. I had a dimly illuminated balcony with a fixed binocular for supervision. My office overlooked the entire base: the docks, the dorms, the academy, the shopping complex, all of it. I could not sleep, so decided to observe the base with my binocs. The docks, the academy were all shrouded in darkness. The mall and shops were closed. I decided to look towards the dorms as well. I felt a little bit like a creep, but as a commander, it felt like it was nothing wrong. The fleet needed periodic supervision. Though they are humans...not only ships. It felt a little weird either way...
Each faction had its own dorm. They were all dark and peaceful, except for a dim light coming from the Sakura dorm. Each door of each room led outside and they were labeled with the names of the ships who lived inside. The dim light was coming from a lantern that was held by someone...a kitsune with purple glowing eyes. Then I remembered: „Amagi usually waits for her sisters after the curfew and does not enter the room before they come back. That means that one of them is not there."; Amagi seemed calm. She was seemingly strolling, admiring the scenery around the dorm. I observed her for a while and, at one moment she decided to enter her room. Before entering, she suddenly looked directly at me. It was quite a shock for me. She smiled softly and gave a small wave before entering the room. I stopped looking through the binoculars and waved back, with a slightly confused face: „Did she know that I was looking at her?" I wondered. She entered her room, leaving the dorm shrowded in darkness once again. The base was peaceful...; I began wondering: "Why did Amagi go back inside? Were the foxes all inside? And why did she smile and wave at me? Was there something funny-looking about my look? Or was this just her way of saying goodnight? Who knows..."
I sat back in my chair on the balcony and finished my cigarette. Then, all of a sudden, a soft, velvety voice sounded from behind me:
Akagi: She was not waving at you, commander. *giggle*
I was a little bit startled, but I calmed down. It was Akagi. My flagship and my secretary. I had forgotten that secretary ships had some spare keys to my office. Her imposing silhouette was also a factor that had an impact on my reaction. Akagi is taller than me by two inches and her nine fluffy tails gave her a much wider and menacing shadow. Her crimson gaze was glowing vaguely, being a weak source of light besides the Moon and the lamp which illuminated my balcony. Her eyes were a thing which always made me think that she could seduce anyone by just simply looking at them...they are of a unique red color.
Akagi: You seem unsettled, commander. Did something happen? she asked full of curiosity and compassion.
Commander: Well, you tell me first. Why are you out after the curfew? Aren't you supposed to be resting at this late hour?
Akagi: Well, yes…I told Amagi that she shouldn't worry about me this night, as I have some paperwork to finish. She waved at me, not at you. We are aware of each other's location and we can see each other from a very long distance. It is the sisterly bond that Akagi, Amagi, and Kaga have that allows us to do this. The real reason for me not being in my room is that I am worried about your well-being, commander. Since our last sortie, you seemed upset…depressed even! Did Prinz Eugen harass you again? Akagi will dispose of her if she gives you any trouble…Hahaha.
Commander: No! Nono! Do not attempt on anyone's safety! Please! Prinz did not do anything to me. The fact is that ...I just could not sleep well...That's it.; The uncertainty in my voice was clear. She began glaring at me, full of doubt.
Akagi: It is not very nice to lie to Akagi... I can feel something is troubling you. Maybe talking to someone will ease up the tension in your soul. Akagi is here to listen. Come on, commander...tell me. I am all ears.
I trusted her. She was one of the few ships in whom I could put my trust. She was always there to help, sometimes even putting my needs before hers. This was strange, as Akagi put only the needs of her sisters before hers.
Commander: ...You are right. I cannot hide it forever. I am tired of this war. I do not want to fight anymore. It is not the right thing to do...why do Sirens always keep tormenting humanity? I just want everything to go back to how it was before the war. Everything to go back to normal.
Akagi: Commander...this means that you would have never become such an amazing admiral. This means that you would never have the chance to meet us... the ships which you lead into battle every day.
She was right. But the fact that she called me an amazing admiral just came into contradiction with my thoughts. This made me lose control and scream at her.
Me: I am not an amazing admiral!
She was startled by my sudden change of mood.
Commander: I hate putting you in danger. Not just you, Akagi, but all of you. You are all not just ships, but you have feelings! Don't you realize? You are also human...and I do not want to make people suffer. I have feelings too. After the war, I want to withdraw from military service and become a captain of a transport boat. I want to have a family. This war just does not seem to have an end! I hate it! I want to have a chance to feel peace and harmony once again...to get to love someone again...
I began sobbing. It just could not be helped... I felt alone. The pressure was killing me...
Akagi: Commander...
She wiped my tears with her tails, a gesture that I would never forget my entire life. This gesture proved to me that she was somehow rooting for me. She looked at me as a mother looks at her upset child. It felt weird, but it felt right. After I seemingly regained my composure, she asked:
Akagi: Why did you join the navy, then?
Commander: I enjoyed naval history so much...I studied at the military academy about it and one of the things that motivated me was the great carriers of other nations. I dreamed that I would serve upon them one day...as their commander. I went to training school, I graduated and when they gave me my first command, that of a destroyer, I felt part of the navy. But my dream was yet to be fulfilled... to lead a fleet of carriers. The most powerful warships afloat.
Akagi: We were the so-called „unrivaled ones", but we were proven wrong at Midway. That lucky strike... Is this why you searched for us? You thought we were so powerful that nobody could counter us? That you will become that pearless admiral that nobody will dare to cross paths with?
Commander: Not just that... Before you were sunk, you said you would have sided me and the Azur Lane if you would not be siding the Sakura Empire and the Sirens. I realized that there is a figment of good, warm humanity inside you. It made me think that you are truly special: The First Carrier Division. You are powerful and beautiful women. No matter what the top brass would have said, I wouldn't have stopped searching for you...
Akagi: I see...Akagi understands...
Commander: But why did you say such things, Akagi? Why would you join my fleet instead of going back to the Sakura Empire? These are the words that seemed to me just so mysterious.
She was hesitant for a moment. She looked as if my question was one I was never going to ask like it was something I should not have asked. Amagi told me something once about Akagi feeling grateful towards me, but I still needed more answers. I needed to know why she cared so much for me. After a few seconds, in which she seemed as if she was recollecting, she took a deep breath and broke the silence.
Akagi: ...I have a confession to make...After I started working with the Sirens, the Empire saw me as a traitor. Me and Kaga, two outcasts... Azur Lane saw us as enemies and of course, we had nowhere to go. I was the one who persuaded Kaga to join the Sirens and I still can not forgive myself for what I have done. I tried to corrupt the souls of my own people for those pests I called Gods once... We were promised Amagi. We wanted to bring her back since her loss affected me and Kaga alike... we were so selfish and naive... After we were rescued from the Sirens, we found out that your builders revived Amagi by using simple Wisdom Cubes. I just could not believe my eyes. Only after I saw her alive, I had realized the gravity of the deeds I have accomplished... I felt so much guilt that I thought nobody would want me by their side ever again... You, the commander of the fleet, accepted me. Not only that, but you also invested in me and Kaga, upgraded us, offered us a place to live. You gave us a purpose again. And for that Akagi... I thank you. It is only fair to be by your side forever and not let anyone harm you.
Commander: Is this why you are always so protective of me? The reason why you hated seeing anyone else get close to me? My dearest Akagi, you do not owe me anything... I owe you all my life for protecting Azur Lane from the Sirens, for protecting me and the rest of humanity.
I stood up and gave her a tight hug. It was a little awkward because she was taller than me and her voluptuous bosom was pressing against my neck. Despite this, it was comfortable and wholesome. She hugged me tightly in return. It felt like she really needed some affection. Then, all of a sudden, I felt droplets of liquid on my head. She began crying. I stopped hugging her and she started wiping the tears off with her tails. She looked up at the moon and closed her eyes. I knew at that moment that my words hit her deep. These words ignited something deep inside her soul.
She then looked at me again. There are no words that could convey the sadness in her expression. and her teary red eyes, that were hinting that she was feeling immense pain... I have never seen her so sad in my entire life.
Akagi: You are too kind, commander...Nobody has ever been so kind to me. Not even my beloved sisters.
The sobs in between her sentences made my eyes water as well. For a fact, I knew that the other two kitsunes loved Akagi. They were always there for each other. But, at times, Akagi felt like a cast-out because her sisters were treated more nicely by the other factions; The Royal Navy, the Eagle Union, even the Iron Blood. Even though she had friends in the other factions, ships seem to fear Akagi more than Amagi and Kaga. Her sisters always thought this is a minor thing, and that the other ships simply need to "get used" to Akagi's different behavior. Was it because of the past reputation that she was more feared? It made sense, but at the same time, It was a little confusing. After she had ceased sobbing, she began to speak with a weak voice, as if she was talking to herself, though it seemed she wanted me to hear her words as well.
Akagi: I always thought Akagi will meet someone at sea. Someone whom I shall dedicate my existence to. My body, my soul, my heart, only to them. Not just my beloved sisters deserve to experience my love...Sometimes I feel like either I have not yet met that person. Or maybe they will not accept me for who I am?... if I have met them already. Even though sometimes I seem brutal or cunning, I often feel lonely... Have you ever felt like that, commander?
I let those words sink in for a bit. I knew that her love was driving her to fight, so protect the ones she cared about. She was searching for someone. I knew I had to do something. I think she deserved more gratitude than everyone else in my fleet. She is serving as my flagship and is a faithful secretary. She is a good friend as well and is trying her best to protect me. She deserves more than I could ever give her...
For a moment, it felt like I needed to cheer her up. Just some playful words would do. To my surprise, I felt that these words that I muttered were from the bottom of my heart. The next thing I said was far from playful. It was a hearty promise.
Commander: ...Akagi, because I owe you all something, I will start with you. I will help you find someone.
Akagi's crimson gaze met mine. She was sad, but tears seemingly ignited a spark of hope in her eyes. She looked directly at me. I was getting lost for a second. Her red eyes can be just like the Red Spider Lilly: They can be the last thing you see before you die, but they are so beautiful...; They bore directly into your soul. It becomes impossible to lie, to escape. Their beauty was mesmerizing...her beauty was mesmerizing... I was starting to feel hope for her. And not just for her...but for me as well.
Commander: Wherever he is, whatever he is doing and whoever he is talking to, he is fated to be with you. I promise... Listen, when I joined the navy I thought that the sea will be my love. Now, I just want to find my love at sea, since this war seemingly does not have an end. The sea is a passion of mine, but I barely can call her my love anymore since it took so much from me...
A small smile then appeared on Akagi's face. She came closer and started speaking with a soft voice.
Akagi: Thank you, commander... I promise that, if you help me find the one who was fated to be with me, I will help you find your love at sea...That love will make you forget the suffering the harsh waters caused to your heart and soul.
She put her hands on my shoulders and got so close that I could feel her breath on my chest. At that moment I knew...I had realized. Our faces were inches apart.
Commander: You...don't owe me anything, Akagi. But are you actually willing to do that? For the commander who put your life in danger countless times?
On her face appeared what can I describe as the most sincere and loving smile ever. She then started whispering.
Akagi:...For the commander who served aboard Akagi, who trusted me, who gave me a purpose again. You have my word...3
After she muttered those words, our lips came into contact and our deep, warm kiss became a seal for both of our promises. She was so close to me all this time...and I was so blind... I could not see the feelings she had for me. You could really feel the love radiating from that kiss...that deep, loving kiss, while being in her embrace... at that moment I knew I was the one who fate had promised her; After that, she looked at me without saying anything. I broke the silence with a question.
Commander: Did you find the one? Because I am sure I found the love I was searching for all this time.
I could not stop smiling. It felt like my heart melted.
Akagi: ...I love you, commander 3. I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
She said that as she was holding me tight, in the warmth of her chest. What I felt was a feeling I have not felt for a long time...love.
Commander: I love you too...Akagi.
After that, we went inside, holding hands. We went to bed her eyes and body movements suggested that she wanted more than love... she got what her soul desired and I got what I longed for so much time. But now she was thirsty...she wanted physical ecstasy. The night of our confession was also the night in which we felt the warmth of each other's body for the first time. We made sweet and lovely...love. We fell asleep looking into each other's eyes.
The next morning I was expecting to wake up from a wonderful dream. I had dreamed about a confession in the dark, a lovely night in which I offered my physical love, my soul to a beautiful vixen. But when I woke up, I saw Akagi looking at me, smiling. It was all real. We were lovers. My heart, soul, breath, and body, are hers. And she is mine...my lovely Red Spider Lilly.