That next day went by in a whirl of activities. I tried to keep myself occupied with my time. I would meet Jace tonight. I couldnt act out of ordinary, i couldnt attract attention. I was summoned to my fathers council room in mid afternoon. When i made my way they i was almost terrified. What if he had found out? What if he had known all along. He must have someone watching me, he always did.
I knocked and waited for admittance. "Come in" i heard him say from behind the door. I entered the room and took my usual chair. I tried to appear calm but my father was a smart man. He could smell fear. I was trying not to let him see me afraid.
"Clary, how nice of you to stop in." he said. Even though he knew full and well that i had been summoned here. My father liked to play his little games.
"How are you and Alec getting along." he asked, not looking up from his ink and parchment.
"Fine, we spent the afternoon yesterday in the tea room." Even though he knew that already.
"Ah yes, i heard about all that. Was he exactly as you hoped? He is quiet handsome. He will make beautiful strong children." He was still not looking at me. Wasnt that a sign of disrespect when someone spoke and didnt look you in the eye?
"I suppose so father." i murmured.
Finally he looked up at me. I could see his black eyes held nothing. He was not interested in the least bit if i liked my husband. I had no choice in that matter.
"Is everything going as it should be? I would hate for something to come between this match." he slowly said.
"No father, everything is fine. I like him." i rushed on hoping he didnt detect any traces of my lie.
"You like him? Well thats irrelevant. You must do everything in your power to make him yours. He has but a few weeks to decide to keep you. This is paramount. The Lightwoods are a high noble family. It will be honorable to be joined together. I couldnt have picked a better man." he said wistful.
"I will, your grace."
"Thats what i want to hear, now you may leave. I have urgent business here to look over that dont concern a mere woman."
I tried to suppress the anger that wanted to rise up in me. He always has thought i was useless. He never would truly love me. My father always said he loved my mother, but i just dont believe it. That monster didnt love anyone but himself.
I left the room and continued with my activities from this morning, before i had been rudely summoned. I had convinced the royal castle guard to move my lodgings down in the almost abandoned wing of the castle. Nobody hardly ever slept down here. They all preferred the higher more prestigious rooms at the top of the spirals. I wanted something more close to the ground.
I had guards move all my belongings into a spacious chamber that i had checked out. It was a little forlorn and hadnt been used in a few centuries, but it would do. I would not be disturbed as often down here. There was a reason that kept edging at the side of my mind, but i pushed it away. When everything was perfect, i began to relax.
My father might get mad and order me to return to my original lodgings, but for now i was safe. I had servants fill the fireplace and dust out all the dirt that had collected over the years. It wasnt fancy or anyway unique, but it was my own. I was happy that i finally had a space that i had chosen.
It was also a nice little walk to get here from the main castle. It was a dark corridor that led into the black. I felt this would deter potential spies and even my brother. I had not seen Jonathan all he. He must be bothering someone else, which suited me fine.
I went through out my day in a jumble of nerves. I was trying hard to appear normal but i couldnt. I would meet my love tonight. I had pushed Alec far from my mind. I had not seen him since yesterday. He was lodged in the residential west wing of the castle. I could always go see him. Maybe that would please my father?
I chose a simple silk dress. I was not going to dress highly for a little visit. I brushed my hair til it shone. I was ready. I walked all the way down my own private hall til i reached the antechamber, from there i took a left and made my way to Alec's chambers. Surely he cant be mad for his betrothed coming to pay respects.
When i got to the door, i stood up straight and knocked once. I could hear someone whispering behind the door. A few noises of moving things were also present. What was he doing in there? I waited patiently before knocking again. Alec came to the door a little out of breath. What in gods name was he out of breath for? He looked like he had run a mile. I smiled as best as i could.
"May i come in?" i asked sweetly.
"Im a little busy at the moment." he declared blatantly.
"Oh but this will only take a moment." i argued.
I wanted my father to hear that i had willingly chose to go to Alec. He would be pleased to see me taking initative. Not that it matters much.
He appeared vexed but he inched the door open so i could enter. His chambers were a mess. Was he cleaning or something? But thats what the servants were for. His bed was a jumble of furs. I looked around curious until i saw a cloth sticking out from a chest. It had the blue embroidered sleaves of the castle healers. Why would Magnus's clothes be in Alec's chambers? I tried to listen for any breathing that was not ours. I couldnt detect anyone else in the room but us.
But that didnt mean anything, this chamber probably had its own secret doors and closets. I was instantly suspicious. Why would they be together in his chamber? Why would Magnus have taken his clothes off? It didnt make any sense.
"What did you want Clarissa." Alec asked trying to look calm. I could smell the very lie.
"I just wanted to know why theres a healers robe in your chest." i said pointing.
Alec blanched and tried to collect himself. "I dont know what your talking about."
"Alec i am not stupid. I have seen the way you two gaped at each other. Like a bitch in heat. Now i come here to find that his clothes are in your chamber." i hissed.
"Its not what you think. He came to inquire over our marriage and he spilled wine on his clothes. I offered him something to wear so he could leave. His clothes he never came to collect." he rushed out.
I knew i smelled a lie. He was lying and i couldnt begin to understand why.
"I can tell your not being truthful." i argued.
"To hell with that, i am not obliged to explain to you why anyone is in my chambers. Your a woman and i am a man, you best learn your place!" he yelled at me.
"Then i best go tell my father that my husband is into men." i said, my own self angry.
He appeared to look in anger. I could see he wanted to strangle me. Was this truly how a wife and husband are supposed to act? Surely not.
"Clary you dont understand. I will marry you at the end of this courtship and you will have no choice. That is all."
"But why marry me if you dont like me? That is just preposterous!" i cried.
"Because we have no choice, or hadnt you noticed? Our parents are completely set on this match. If i fail to please them, my inheritance goes to my brother. If you fail, your name is shamed to my family. We both will lose so much if this doesnt go as planned." he pleaded. I could see sadness inside his blue eyes.
My anger dimmed away. I knew how he felt. He didnt want to marry me anymore than i wanted to marry him. This was something are parents had made us do. How could i spend my life with someone who didnt even like me? Who most likely didnt even like woman? I was not too young to know that sometimes men and men lie together.
"I understand, just be careful. If i found out so quick, others will too. Good day Alec."
I left the room downcast. My own husband was not even interested in my pleasures of the flesh. He was more into that healer Magnus. I was upset because i would have to marry him and he would despise me. He didnt want me. But yet we had no choice. We were both trapped in this match.
Being gay was not something one bragged about. The secrets of the chambers were just that, secrets. If you were into such things you kept it a secret. He was an amazing fighter and i had not even thought of the possibility that he was into men. He hid it well. I shuddered to think what my father would say if he knew. My father tolerated none of that kind of stuff. You married to produce children. You could enjoy the carnal pleasures if you were a man, but you kept it secret. Us woman were to be pure and chaste.
I had a few more hours before the sun was at its highest. I didnt know what to do with myself. I could not face stares and glares from the rest of the castle. Somehow it would get reported to my father, and then once again i would be summoned. I didnt want to speak to my father yet. I was not in control of my emotions. Too much was happening.
I was happy that Alec was not interested. But i was also sad, because the marriage would be a terrible one. I couldnt imagine living to end up dying with a gay husband. He would never love me in the way i wanted. But i had Jace. Jace who i burned for at the very sight. His eyes lingered on my flesh and i felt it burn. His touches sent me into a cloud of bliss. Even in all this darkness and despair, i still had my shining light.