I remained in a state of bliss. I was getting closer and closer to Jace. I was happy that i had met him. It was unfair that i couldnt freely be with him just because he was common. If im a princess i should be able to do what i like. Why is it that my brother never married and hes way over the age. My father lets him do whatever he likes. Meanwhile i have to obey every word. How was i going to fix this?
I needed a way where me and Jace could still be together. I was to marry Alec in a week. If i didnt figure something out by then than all was lost. I didnt want to say good bye to Jace forever. I wanted to hold him and love him for the rest of my life. What was i to do? I couldnt break off the match, and i couldnt run away. But what if i took him with me? Alec could give me him as a gift. A stable boy wasnt worth much, my father would honor that. But how do i get Alec to agree?
I decided i would go see him. I would kindly ask what he was planning to do with Magnus. Maybe i would just bring Jace along as my own servant of sorts. He was strong and he could do heavy work. Maybe Alec wouldnt have to know. I dressed in a simple wool dress and put my hair up. I left my chamber in a hurry. I had to figure this out! Jace and i depended on it.
I went to Alec's chamber door and knocked. I got no reponse. Maybe he wasnt in there? It was a little before noon, where could he be? I searched the castle for him but couldnt find him. Where in gods name was this man!
I looked in the kitchen, the servants quarters, the residential wing, i couldnt find him anywhere. I was about to give up hope when i seen him come out of the feasting hall. I quickly grabbed his arm, "I need to talk to you." He looked pained as if he didnt want to, but he allowed me to lead him away. I took him outside and into the sun. I made my way for a the castle walls where i was assured that no one would hear us. I let go of his arm and turned to face him.
"How are you going to keep Magnus?" i asked.
"Thats none of your business." he declared looking around. I could see no one so i didnt bother.
"It is my business as your bride. How is that fair that i'll be all alone and you'll be in the arms of another man."
"It is what it is Clarissa. That is the only choice you have." he said not looking at me.
"But what if i found someone?"
His eyes turned angry, "You wont be able too."
"But why not? You have someone special for you, i want someone special for me." i cried.
"It doesnt work like that. People will notice me and Magnus around each other and think nothing of it. We are both men, and he is a healer of royal status. If my servants saw you running around with some man, they would instantly become suspicious. A man and woman are together for only one thing."
"But i dont care what your servants think!"
"Than you should! Rumors would start and then i'd have no choice but to punish the man you chose. And do you know what the penalty is? The penalty for even laying a finger on a princess when shes claimed? Or if the man in question is nothing more than a comman man?"
My eyes lowered, "Death..."
"Exactly! And what do you think my people would have me do with you? A bride of low inhibititions and no restraint? The penalty would be bad for you as well." he said in a flurry of anger. I could see this was getting no where.
"So your saying that you can mess around with who ever you like, and i must remain chaste and virtous."
"Yes, that is what a princess does." he hissed back. Why was he so angry with me? I hadnt dont anything wrong to him?
"But thats not fair!" i wailed.
"Life isnt fair, you best get used to it. Our wedding is in just a few days. I'd remember that if i were you." He gave me one last long glaring look and then turned to walk back to the castle.
I watched him go with a heavy heart. My plan had turned to ashes and blown to the wind. What Alec was saying was true. Everyone would notice the princess bride around some man. Alec could go unnoticed because he was a man and he was royal. But i was to be the only one to suffer. It just wasnt fair!
Tears began to brim in my eyes. I let them fall silently down my cheeks. What was i supposed to do! I couldnt bring him to his death, i couldnt marry him, i couldnt do anything. It was almost as if fate was trying to drive us apart.
But why would it? Our love was real and fearless. I loved him with all of my being, and he loved me. We had felt real feelings since that day in the grass. How could anyway say that it was wrong? How could anyone say that i was living in sin? I loved Jace Wayland. It was as simple as that. I didnt want anyone but him. But i also had to see the sense in Alec's words.
If his servants spread the word that i was sleeping around, Alec would have to kill him. And after seeing him in battle, i doubted he would be merciful. No matter what i couldnt change fate. Jace was born of common variety. He would never become royal. I was a princess and could never become low born. Unless my father would let me go, but i doubted that he would.
My father would rather see me dead, than marry a low born. He would probably do the honors himself. Either way i looked at it, we were both dead. Because if Jace died, then i died. If i died, then Jace died. There was no easy way out of this. Every path we took would be filled with danger and complication. But it was worth it!
I couldnt imagine a life without him. I couldnt wake up each day knowing that he wasnt in this world. His death would surely leave me with no will to live. I didnt even want to think about it! There had to be a way! I just had to figure out what it was. I only had a couple more days and then the marriage would be upon me.
If i didnt find a way before then, then i would be carted off to the Lightwood castle, never to see Jace again.
Later that night...
I acted as best as i could through out dinner. I could not be happy no matter what. I was sick with worry. I sat beside my brother and ate with no relish. I didnt want to eat, i wanted to crawl into bed and not get up again. I picked at my food slowly. My brother was watching me but i paid him no mind.
My father was busy talking to Jonathan but my brother had his eyes on me. What was he always doing staring at me. Why couldnt i have a normal family. Would things be different if my mother was still alive? Maybe then she would let me marry a man that i loved. She would be nice and kind and persuade my father to let me. But all those hopes had died with her. My mother was just a skeleton in the ground. She could not help me.
"Whats wrong Clary? Not feeling well?" my brother asked. I didnt even look up from my plate.
"Well you better get better. Your wedding is in just a few days! We cant have you sick at the alter!" My father yelled, he had heard my brother speak to me. I didnt reply to any of the said words. I didnt want to speak to them. They were both monsters.
"You should be grateful that match i provided for you! Alec is a noble man of noble name. Any princess would be overjoyed for such a match. But yet i see you moping around like this. What is the meaning of this!" My father cried, i didnt answer.
"Answer me Clary!" He yelled, slamming his fists on the table.
I looked up, "It must be just something i ate. Im fine father. I will be ready for the marriage when it arrives."
My father calmed a little at those words. "You best be. We need this alliance. It will be a good thing for the castle and the realm."
I could care less about the stupid realm. The realm was the reason why Jace and i couldnt be together. If there were no laws stating that a royal and a low born couldnt marry then i wouldnt even be here! I would run off with Jace and that would be the end of it. But my father would never allow me to escape. He would follow me to the ends of the Earth. I was utterly helpless.
I returned to my dinner silently. My father continued on with his story to Jonathan. My brother acted as civil as usual but i could tell his mind was on other things. I had had enough for the day. I excused myself as politely as i could and left for my chamber. I wanted to be alone.
I walked slowly back. Jace would be coming shortly and he would notice that i was upset. What would i tell him? That there was no hope for us? That our love was doomed the day it began? I was depressed over today. Things just didnt ever work the way you wanted them too. I made it to my chamber door and entered. I sat on my bed with my head in my hands. I was waiting for Jace.
It took some time before i heard his voice calling me from the window. I went over and crawled out like i did a hundred times. I lowered myself gently to the ground. Jace was standing there, so beautiful that my heart broke. He ran to kiss me, i broke apart. His eyebrows arched and i took his hand.
I walked him away from the wall and sat down in the grass. The night was helping us hide ourselves but i didnt want anyone coming into my room and overhearing us. His eyes were worried as he sat beside me.
"Whats wrong my lady?" he asked. He took my hand in his.
"I dont know what to do."
"About what?"
"Us."
He looked off into the shadows. I could tell this topic made him upset as well.
"I will be married in a couple days Jace, and i can not take you with me."
"Why not? I can come along as your servant or something."
"But if you do, then that is all you will be. If Alec's servants see us together they could report back to Alec. And if the whole castle knew then Alec would have to take action."
"But Alec is off seeing that healer man isnt he? If he is untrue to you, then why cant you be untrue to him?" He asked, i had told him about my matchs leniency towards the same sex.
"He is a man. Things work differently for the men. He can go see Magnus every day all day, and no one will think the wiser. But if im seen with you, then questions will be asked. And i do not want anything happening to you." i said softly.
His eyes met mine and i could see grief outlined inside them. I didnt know what else to do. There was no way.
"But i love you Clary, surely there is a way."
"There isnt one that i could think of. In a few days i will be gone, and then you'll have to go on as you once did."
"But i cant! I dont want too! I need you, like i'v never needed someone before!" he cried, his eyes holding so much emotion. I dropped his hand and stood up.
"This is the best way Jace, we do not belong in this world. But i do love you, always remember that." I gave him one long last sweet kiss and then i turned my back on him. I walked back to my window with tears streaming down my face. I had never felt this much despair in my life. My heart was breaking in two, and there was nothing i could do about it.