I made it through the next two days without incident. I now had only two days before the wedding! I was irritable and stressed out. I hadnt thought of any new plans period. I was just as lost as i was days ago. There was no way out of this.
I got out of bed and got dressed. I wore just another simple dress. I didnt have the energy to wear anything nice. I tied my hair up in a bun. I didnt have the energy to do anything more. My life was just a hectic array of feelings.
I was distraught with grief. I missed Jace more than i ever imagined. I just wanted to see him one last time. But i couldnt risk his life. I would just have to remember him from memory. That would have to do. I morosely went to breakfast.
My father was already there, but Jonathan wasnt anywhere in sight. Good, i needed a nice quiet dinner without him staring. I sat beside my father. He looked at me once, and then continued on with his breakfast. My father was never really comfortable around me. He preferred my brother to me. He always had.
I piled some eggs on my plate and tried to eat. The food tasted like dirt in my mouth. I gave up after a few bites. My father didnt look at me as i left the room. He usually only spoke to me to yell or criticize. I left him to eat in peace.
I didnt want to do much of anything. I didnt want to see or hear or even think. I shambled around the castle with no intent or desire. Things were not going as i imagined. When i was a little girl i imagined nothing less than being married. I dreamed of my wedding most nights. I would be dressed in a fine dress. My groom would be the most handsome man around. All would come to celebrate our union.
But here i was, about to be married, and i wished i never would be. Its funny how your childish dreams can feel so real. But here in reality, things were startling different. I didnt want to be casted away into the unknown. I wanted to stay here. I wanted Jace. But what was i to do? I could call of the match but what would that solve? My father would be angry, and more suitors would come.
I walked aimlessly around. There was no real place that i wanted to go. There was no real place that i could go. All around me were the symbols of my chains. I didnt want to be the Morgenstern princess anymore. I wanted to be normal, with a normal life. I wanted things with all my heart, but that still didnt change a thing.
The whole castle was in a rush of activity. Things were being prepared now for the wedding. The food was brought in days before and packed with salt. Things were stored away for the dreadful night. Servants ran around cleaning and cleaning again. Everything was to be immaculate for the wedding night.
I should be excited, a bride should be happy. Instead i cursed the everyone in sight. The village people were excited because they would get free food and drink. My father was excited because he would get his allegiance. I was the only one that was miserable. I hated my father even more because of it.
What right did he have to sell me off as if i was nothing. How dare he presume to tell me that i knew nothing about love. I knew plenty! The fire that burned in me for Jace was proof of that. I just wished that he could see that. I hoped that wherever Jace was,he knew i loved him. His absence was felt dearly. It was almost like my heart had been ripped out. What was i to do?
Later that night.
I sat at the feasting hall table. Alec, his parents, and my family were all seated. I was trying to act normal but i fear i failed miserably. My family pretended not to notice, but Alec's sister glared at me. Alec's parent were engaging my father in conversation to which i was grateful. Alec was staring at his plate, and my brother was staring at him. Why?
I decided not to care, at least i wasnt the center of Jonathans attention tonight. I swirled my corn around on my plate.
"I am excited for the wedding." Maryse said looking at my father.
"Yes, Clarissa is a fine woman. She is delighted to take part in this union. It wasnt too long ago that i was married." My father replied.
"Yeah a hundred years ago." Robert lightly joked.
"I look good for an old man." Valentine chuckled.
"She looks just like her mother." Maryse said casting a glance down at me. I pretended not to notice.
"Yes she does, it was a sad day when Jocelyn was taken from us. But she is up in the heavens above watching down on us." Robert said wistfully. Yeah right, my mother was probably happier wherever she was.
"Yes it was, Jocelyn was a fine woman. I loved her from the first moment i put my eyes on her." My father said a little softly.
"I just wish that at their age that i knew what i knew now." Robert said lightly.
My father gave him a look, and then looked away. I knew that look. He thought Robert was an idiot. My father could act the part of a nice King. But underneath that facade was the strong fearless unmerciful King i knew him to be. He talked politely because he wanted to be pleasing to the Lightwoods. But alls it was was just an act.
"We all hope that our children wont make the same mistakes we did, but they have to learn for themselves." Maryse said touching Roberts arm. I could tell from the look on my fathers face that he didnt believe that one bit. Your kids were the way they were because of you. My father ruled us siblings with a strong hand. He expected nothing but obedience. The Lightwood children apparently had more freedom.
That made sense to me. Isabelle was nothing but a brat, and Alec was gay. My father would have smashed us into shape if that were the cases of his children. My father had always punished us even for minor things. He always handled us with a strong hand. I wished that my father could be more like the Lightwoods. At least they seemed happy.
The rest of the dinner went by normally. I said good night to all at the table, and took my leave. I walked back down the east wing to my chamber. I walked slowly as if i had stones at the end of my feet. I only had one more day. One more day to enjoy the little freedom i had left. When i opened the door to my room someone was in there.
My heart stopped in my chest, i didnt want to believe. Jace stood there, his eyes carefully masked. I closed the door with a bang and dropped the latch.
"What are you doing here! Dont you know what will happen to you?" i cried.
He still looked at me with coldness, "I dont care what happens to me."
I looked at him closely. His manner was cold, why was he acting like this? I moved forward and he moved back.
"What do you want then?" i said, trying to hide the pain in my voice.
"I just wanted to see you one last time before you were carted away to who knows where."
"Well you've seen me." i said as distantly as i could. I still couldnt believe that he was here.
He looked at me with no expression that i was used too. I had only seen the lighter side of Jace, this Jace was not my Jace. I could feel tears threatening to brim over.
"Your to be married soon, to that Lightwood man." he said looking around my room. His eyes wouldnt reach mine.
"In a little more than a day." i said softly.
"Okay, have a good life Clarissa" he said, still distant. He walked to the window and began to climb out of it. My heart was pounding inside my chest. This couldnt be the end of it, this couldnt be the end of us!
He crawled out of sight, my hands were wrapped hard around me. I felt as if i was falling apart. I couldnt lose him! I ran to the window and peered out. His figure was already starting to fade into the night. I hitched one leg over and jumped from the window. I landed hard. I got to my feet and took off at a full sprint.
I ran until i could see him. I stopped short.
"You came just to tell me that? Why did you tell me you loved me? Why did you tell me that this was killing you, just as its killing me!" i cried out, tears now falling freely. He didnt turn around, and he didnt say anything. I was now getting angry.
"Was this all just a game to you? See if you can seduce the princess in the castle? Did i never mean a damn thing to you!"
He turned around sharply, anger in his own eyes.
"What am i to do Clarissa! Steal you away like some scoundrel? Only to be caught and brought back to die? What is it you would like me to do?" He hissed.
I felt my anger disappear. "I want you to love me." i said softly. My hands were shaking at my sides. He still stood a few feet away. I couldnt look into his eyes anymore. I had lost all i ever had. And it was killing me.
I didnt have time to react before he ran to me and clung himself to me. His own tears were starting to fall. I was so shocked i just gripped him tighter. I could feel his sobs rake his body. I held tighter and sobbed my own tears.
His lips found mine and we were kissing. We were kissing as if this was our last moment, and indeed it was. I held him as hard as i could. I didnt want this moment to end. He broke apart to say, "I love you Clary, i always have. I will love you in this life, and the next."
"I love you too, Jace Wayland. My heart will never belong to another but you." i said with all the conviction i had. His eyes were turning back to the eyes i knew. He was coming back to me. He hugged me and i hugged him back. We enjoyed each others presence for as long as we could. I broke apart.
"I dont want to marry Alec, you know that. But what other choice do i have?" i asked.
"I have been thinking about that and the only thing we can do is run away." He said his eyes bright.
"Run away? Run away where?"
"I was thinking about this the whole time and i finally thought of a way. My father is willing to help us, i told him about our woes. He will hide us in a cart to get us out of the city. Once were out, i have saved enough coin to get us at least far enough away. You can come with me Clary. We can live happily ever after, but we must leave." he said hopefully.
Did i want to leave? Did i want to leave behind all that i had ever known? I didnt even hesitate before i replied.
"I will go anywhere with you, to the end of the Earth if need be."
He smiled the widest smile, and i felt as if my whole world had righted itself once again.