Clarissa

I was dead. I didnt disbelieve Jonathan when he had said Jace was dead. He wouldnt tell me that if it wasnt true. I went through my days lifeless. I had no will to live anymore. My spirit was broken. Surely this couldnt be the end? I would not toil here under Jonathan's gaze for the rest of my life? I didnt think that anything good would ever come my way again.

Jace had been the only thing in my life that i had found happiness in. He generated feelings in me that i had never thought existed. I knew misery and loneliness, but i knew near nothing of the better things in life. His smile made me light up inside. What we had was true and pure and now it was all gone. Jonathan had taken everything away from me. He had taken my life as well as my will. I was now nothing more than a shadow of my former self.

The next few days passed miserably. I was instructed to attend every meal, be courteous, and to never decline my brothers advances. I had to dress pretty and smile a hollow smile. The servants werent buying my act, but they didnt say a word. My brother had changed things around the castle. Now there was an even darker tint to the air.

He had changed some laws down in the village. One of the more chilling ones was if a villager was found near the castle unannounced, they would be put immediately to death. I knew where that law had come from. Other things changed gradually as well. The guards became more cruel. Jonathan never chastised or told them to not behave like brutes. I averted my eyes to the maid servants getting raped in almost every corridor. There eyes had looked at me for help, but i had walked away. What was i to do?

There was nothing i could do. I was now dead inside as they too would be. I was the Queen but i was powerless. I couldnt stop it, like i couldnt even stop the bad things in my own life. Things were starting to take a colder side here in Shadomoore. I could feel it seeping deep into my very bones. Things were not the way they used to be. My father had been a cruel man but he had been just. He punished those who needed punished but he didnt hurt others for fun. His castle was slowly rotting away into my brothers legacy. Everyday the castle was more my brothers than it had been my fathers.

The castle became chilly and inhospitable. The King had put a high tax on the villages wares. The village had rioted within a few days of the taxes. Jonathan had sent guards down to settle the matter. I could hear the screams of anguish from the village from even inside the castle. The guard hadnt been very pleasant. They had went down and physically made the villagers stop rioting. Some they had murdered right there in the street. It didnt take long before the villagers stopped causing chaos and went back to their houses.

There was terror and confusion running rampant. I floated through life without any care. I had nothing more to care about. What was life if the only light you had, had run out? Alls it had taken were my brothers words to break me down. I saw many people who still had the will to fight.

A servant girl had stabbed her rapist in the leg with an iron poker. I felt she deserved a lesser punishment than what my brother ordered. She was ordered to a room to be up for pleasure for any man who enters. My brother was a sick creature. I felt pity for the girl as she was drug away, tears streaming down her face. But what was i to do?

A mother had come to the castle for atonement for her sons unlawful death. Apparently a guard had trampled the little one with his war horse. The guard had simply stated that the boy was in the way. My brother had sat on his throne with his head held high. He hadnt even looked at the distraught mother once. I stood beside him and tried to appear calm. My heart was hurting for the poor woman. He had given the mother five coins for her suffering. The mother was dragged from the hall.

I didnt agree with anything that my brother was doing. I had no choice in the matter. No one in the castle would take orders from me. I wasnt able to stop or do anything. I walked through my life being led by the creature of my nightmares.

Jonathan spoke to me as little as possible. He ordered me to be dressed in the attire he had chosen. I couldnt say no to him even if i tried. He was my King, and he was my husband. I was powerless in my own life. There was nothing more that i could do. With Jace gone, i had no will to escape. What would be waiting for me out there?

If i did manage to escape, i would have no coin, no food, and no where to go. I wouldnt be able to trust any person i met, in fear that they'd take me back to the castle. I would have to live day to day. I had never lived a hard life. I had never had to do what most people have done. From an early age i had almost everything i could ever want. There were always books, jewels, and pretty things for a girl like me. I had never lived otherwise. How could i leave all this? How could i find the strength to move on?

I was selfish in my own ways, but werent we all? We would do anything for those we loved. We would sacrifice millions just to save one. We all were selfish creatures, we were all human. I did what i did to survive, just as anyone else. I didnt want to live here with Jonathan but what other choice did i have? I had selfishly chosen to keep Jace in my life and look what happened. He was now dead and gone and i would never get him back. My selfish ways had cost him his life, as well as my own.

I was seated with my brother at the long table. Another meal of hidden tension. I poked at my food with no real energy. I didnt want to be here in the slightest. My brother ate relishly, his eyes often gazing in my direction. My body was still sore from his love making last night. He had come to me almost every night to take what was his. I drifted off in my head thinking of other things while he did his duty. In my place of peace i could forget my life for just as long as i had too.

When i was finished i placed my hands clasped together in front of me. My brother noticed my movement.

"Not much of an appetite tonight." he said nonchalantly, still stuffing his own face.

"Not that hungry."

"You have been acting a little solemn, perk up. We cant have the town thinking my Queen is miserable. It lowers morale."

I nodded my head, even though i doubted i could appear happy. What was there to be happy for? Jonathan looked at me once more and then waved his hand to excuse me. I bowed and left the table. I walked slowly back to the royal chamber. Guards followed close behind me. I was never allowed to go anywhere without at least two guards. Jonathan still hadnt forgot the time i had went to find Jace.

I opened my door and walked through. I shut it and stiffened a sob. I didnt know how long i could go on like this. I couldnt suffer through another day! Everyday i was dying a little more inside. I sat on the edge of the bed and put my head in my hands. I didnt want to live anymore.

I looked around the room for anything sharp. I found a silver chalice that i hoped i could crack. I smashed it on the hearth of the fireplace. Little cracks appeared with every smack. When the chalice had cracked enough to reveal sharp edges, i sat back.

What would my life have been if my mother was still alive. Surely she could have controlled my father, surely she could have raised me and my brother up right. She could have made life easier. I never had a mother so i didnt know what a mother even did. But i thought she'd be strong and kind. She would make sure the castle was fairly attended too. There would be peace and kindness, i just knew it. But all those hopes had died a long time ago. My mother was dead and buried. She would never be coming back. She would never be able to help me.

I cradled the broken chalice in my hands. I cried tears of deep sorrow. The tears falling fast down my cheeks. I didnt want to leave behind this world. But maybe in the next life i would have Jace back. I couldnt go another day without seeing his face. I could not go through another day of abuse from Jonathan. If there was any way to escape this, i had found it.

I placed the sharp edge on the inside of my fore arm. I jerked as quickly as i could to the left. I felt a sharp pain, blood ran from my wrists. I did the other one as easily as the first. I could feel myself slipping away with every second. I didnt feel any regret except for the life i had lived. I would not take away one second that i had experienced with Jace. I had loved him with all of my heart. But in this life things were not as easy as they appeared. I could not suffer being a slave any longer.

Only in death, could i be free.