The wedding is a disaster. It's. It's a complete disaster.
It starts with the wedding itself. The wedding dresses Donut and Doc — or, the Franks, as they prefer to be called, but nobody says that because all of their friends are assholes — are absolutely beautiful, but they have giant trains that get tangled up and Donut's makes an ominous rip halfway down the aisle. Donut doesn't seem to react. The Blues are booing like, well, assholes, except for Wash because he's only partly an asshole and Caboose because Caboose is the ring-bearer.
Which is where things get really shitty.
Grif is Donut's best man for some reason — he and Donut never got along, and Grif insulted him at every turn, so it honestly baffles everyone —and Doc's best man is Gray. Which is creepy. But it'd be all fine, if a bit loud and with more booing, if Caboose wasn't the fucking ring-bearer.
It was Donut's idea. Donut and Caboose are BFFS and, somehow, Donut gets it in his head that it will go perfectly smooth. Caboose will respect the beauty and purity or some shit and Doc is too fucking enamored to contradict and Church and Tucker just shared this look like is he insane? But they shrug because, well, effort.
So of course, Caboose eats the rings.
Wash tries to call 911.
Doc and Donut shrug because it's the thought that counts, or some shit, and say their vows, and the...the whatever that weds people together is very very confused. When he says "speak now or forever hold your peace," all of the Blues suddenly get even louder and yell "I OBJECT!" The priest just says "Blue Team members are not allowed to object at this wedding" because this wedding is a fucking disaster, but at least the man in maroon (and aren't they a colorful bunch? Literally.) told him that much. And of course, the Blues object even louder.
Grif has fallen asleep standing up. Caboose is starting to look a little green. So they say their vows, to an incredibly loud objection.
Then the reception starts. And if wedding proper was a disaster, the reception is on par with a fucking apocalypse.
Sure, it starts nice. Cute, even. But then Caboose throws up on the dance floor. Just. Vomits right there.
And then the cake rolls in and it's huge and then oh God where is Kaikaina and the cake bursts open and she is dancing and naked and go-go dancing and the music is loud and why is Sarge beating up Tucker in the corner and Wash is still trying to call fucking 911 and Doc and Donut are slow-dancing, oblivious, lost in each other's eyes.
The even manage to keep their goddamn dresses away from the vomit.
Towards the end, when Caboose has been taken to the ambulance with a frantic Wash going with him, ("I'm his legal fucking guardian!" "There's no need to shout, sir—") Kaikaina is given a shirt by Tucker and pouting — but they're definitely going to fuck later — and Tex has already consumed the entire buffet (which Grif cried about, real actual tears), Church stands, and asks,
"So...this giving you any ideas?"
"Nope."
"Me neither."
Church holds the flowers he caught very carefully.