Chapter 16: It must have been love
August, 15, 2005
In one month, it will be a year that you've left; that you've disappeared; like everything else.
It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year, although, losing track of time was the most I asked from life.
I worry -late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation breaks down my defenses- that it is all slipping away. That my mind is a sieve, and I will someday not be able to remember the precise color of your eyes, the feel of your cool skin, or the texture of your voice.
Will it really be as if you never existed?
…
Today I went grocery shopping; maintaining a level of normalcy as a way not to be noticed, and on my way home I heard a song that made me think of you; not that you're everout of my mind, but listening to music again is still new.
Instead of shying away from the memories, I walked forward and greeted them...
So here I am... for the second time since you left, in the meadow.
This is going to cost me, I'm sure of it. I've broken my personal rules. But relief is still the strongest emotion in my body -for now.
…
It's nice today, the flowers are still in full bloom; just like they were the first time you brought me here, they smell amazing and are pretty to look at.
I hope trying to finding the beauty in life, and saying them like a mantra will someday allow me to actually believe the words, but for now, everything is still gray.
…
The sky is clear and bright; the sun shining, I can imagine the facets of your skin sparkling in the light. Even my scar seems brighter today, here in the meadow, as if assuring me that you - that everything was real.
Honestly, it shouldn't matter; no one is ever coming back here.
…
It hurts though, to be here, I didn't think it would, but it does. I've been here for hours now and no one has tried to kill me this time, I suppose if I hadn't had that distraction the last time, I would have realized that coming here would be painful.
The absence of you is everywhere I look, everywhere I go, but the pain is my only reminder that you were real...that you all were real.
Still I hope, I hope that you'll come out of the shadows, that you'll no longer just be a voice in my head.
I always hope.
…
I thought of taking some of your flowers with me, but the thought of having to watch them wither and die made the hole in my chest rip anew, I couldn't bear it – the loss...
…
I'll leave you with the words that brought me here today.
Goodbye for now, my love.
…
Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...
It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm
And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...
It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows
It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out
(3/14/11)