Chapter 21: Journal: Not you
September 16th 2006
It's been awhile since I wrote to you. I felt like I needed to give Damon a fair chance, and all my focus and attention, and writing to you wasn't allowing me to accomplish that.
These past few months have went by pretty quickly. I guess somewhere between the last time I wrote and now Damon and I got pretty serious. I'm not really sure how it happened, but it did.
I can't accurately describe how that makes me feel. I really enjoy spending time with him, even if we really don't spend that much time together. I usually only see him a few times a week, and those are the times when he comes down and stays with me.
When he's not around, I don't want him to leave, I absolutely and completely enjoy his company.
But when he's not around, I can't complain. I don't know how to explain the way I feel about him, I think he may feel more for me than I do for him. In fact, I'm almost certain of it.
I'm happy when he's around, but when he's not. I miss you.
October 9th 2006
Jake and Liz broke up, and I don't know why but that caused Damon and I to fight. We've fought before, lately, pretty often in fact, but he was so angry.
I think he might be jealous of Jacob, and now that he's not with Liz it's coming out.
Anyway, it caused a huge rift between the two of them, Damon doesn't care what people think about him, it was one of the things that first drew me to him. His take charge and 'just be' attitude, but now that same thing has caused this fight.
He didn't wait for Jacob to leave when we starting fighting about it, so Jacob being Jacob didn't take too kindly to what was being said, especially in front of him … ugh. It's such a mess.
Is it supposed to be this complicated?
I don't want to have to choose between the two of them, it's not really even a choice, I just don't want to be put in that situation.
Sometimes I wish Damon was a little more like you.
10 years ago, ...
Jake and I were sitting on the couch together, his head in my lap, while I ran my fingers through his hair. We hadn't done much more than watch movies and eat junk food for the better part of the day. Jake and Liz have been broken up for over a week now, and he was taking it pretty hard, he cared about Lizzie more than even I knew.
Damon came in through the door and into the living room "What's going on?" he looked at our position on the couch with a squint in his eye.
"Not a lot." I told Damon with a sad smile, "we've sorta just been hanging out all day."
"There's some pizza on the table if you want, it's cold by now but I'm sure it's still good." Jake told him while rolling himself off me to sit up on the couch.
"No thanks." Damon deadpanned.
"There's some beer in the fridge too if you want."
"I said no thanks." Damon clipped out the words.
Jacob must not have been paying much attention or he wouldn't have looked so unconcerned by the tone in Damon voice, I on the other hand immediately picked up on it.
"Are you alright?" I asked him.
"Great Bella. Walking on sunshine, thanks for asking."
I looked at him skeptically, there was something wrong, he wasn't usually this brash, not with me anyway.
Jacob yawned loudly and then got up from the couch "I'm going to bed; this has been a long day."
"K, night Jake."
"Night Bells." He said and bent down to kiss the top of my head. "Night man." He nodded to Damon and then went back to his room.
As soon as he closed the door Damon asked. "What's going on Bella?"
"What do you mean?"
"With you and Jacob, what was all that that I walked in on?"
"What are you talking about Damon, we were sitting on the couch."
"No, you were sitting on the couch with Jacob buried in your lap while you played with his hair."
"Whoa. Where is all this coming from?"
"Jacob and Liz broke up right?"
"Yes?" I told him questioningly, not sure what that had to do with anything at the moment.
"So, he's single now, and free to move on to you."
"What!"
"Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about Bella."
"I'm not acting like anything, I don't know what you're talking about. Jacob is my best friend; he has been for years." I told him defensively. "You know that."
"It's more than that, friends don't act the way the two of you do together. I don't act that way with any of my friends."
"Act what way Damon? What way was so different tonight than it has been any other time, and if it bothered you so much why didn't you bring it up before. You know there is nothing going on between Jake and I."
"Right! Bella. I know that's what you tell me. Why's he always here anyway? Doesn't he have a home? Or clothes."
"Hey man, if you have a problem with me, then take it up with me. Stop badgering Bella about nonexistent things."
Jacob had spoken before I realized he was out of his room; this was getting out of hand. "Alright, this is ridiculous. Jake you go back to bed, and Damon and I will talk about this quietly in my room."
"No Bella, it's cool. Damon here has something to say to me, then let's let him say it." Jacob drawled casually with his arms folded across his chest.
"Fine Jacob, you want to do this then let's do it." Damon said, squaring his shoulders. "You've been taking advantage of your breakup with Liz and using it to move in on Bella. This last week you've done nothing but occupy her time and every day I walk in here or see you two together you're all wound up in on each other. What's your game Jacob?"
"I don't know what you think you are seeing, but Bella and I are just friends, she's being supportive right now, like she always is. Don't put your insecurities on me."
"You are the insecurity Jacob, why don't you keep your hands off my girlfriend."
"I'm not going to change the way I am with Bella or start treating her differently because of some misguided delusion on your part."
"Your trying to weasel in Jacob, I see it.
"You're seeing what you want to see."
"I don't want you around anymore."
"That's not your decision to make. I'm going to tell you this one time. I'm not going anywhere. You have no idea what the two of us have been through together or who you are dealing with." Jacob stood up straight, no longer casual, and took a step forward so he and Damon were standing directly in front of each other. Damon had to look up to see Jacobs face.
"My advice to you is for you to figure out what your real problem is, and deal with it, cuz it isn't me. And just like I told you before, you better treat her right – or I will become your problem." He stood staring at Damon for a second before adding. "You feel me?"
"I was shaking. You've made your point." Damon told him flippantly.
"Good." With that Jacob went back to him room and shut the door.
"Damon, what is going on?"
"You just heard what is going on. I don't like him."
I didn't know what to say to that, this was all news to me. I thought Damon and Jacob were getting along fine. Not once did I think my relationship with Jake was a concern for Damon.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"That's it. That's all you have to say to me?"
"What else do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell him to get the hell out of here."
"I can't do that."
"Why not?!"
"He's my family. If you can't handle that...then...I don't know Damon."
There was a pause while Damon and I stared at each other.
"You decide Bella." He told me after a moment, and then walked out the door.
October 22nd 2006
It's been two weeks since Jacob told me he'd stay at his dads for a few days. He said he'd give Damon space and hope that he figured out that one; he wasn't a threat and two; that he'd always be in my life. I guess our relationship was tricky for Liz too, but she never said anything to me, or to Jacob until the end.
I don't see what Jacob and I have as a problem; I've tried to see it from their perspective, but I don't see what they see, I don't get it? Maybe it's because I'm biased.
Damon's been better since Jake hasn't been around, he apologized for the way he acted. I hope that this break Jake is giving him will be enough to show him that we really are just friends.
I won't give up Jacob, or keep him away. He's the only thing that has made sense to me since you left, if I lost him too... I don't know what I'd do.
I don't think I could handle it, right now, I barely do as it is.
November 15th 2006
Damon found my journal. What a nightmare.
10 Years ago...
"Damon." I called out as I walked through the door. I was just getting off from work and had gone to the store before coming home, Damon was here for a couple of days staying with me.
I went into the kitchen and put the bags of groceries on the counter and started putting them away. When I was finished, I still hadn't heard anything from Damon so I called out quietly again, thinking maybe he had fallen asleep in my room.
I took my shoes off and padded down the hall to my room "Damon?" I questioned quietly as I pushed open my bedroom door.
There, sitting in my reading chair and holding my journal was Damon. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to decide which emotion was more prevalent at the moment. I went with anger.
"What are you doing!" I hollered and went over to him and ripped my journal out of his hands.
"Just some light reading."
"This is my personal journal, how could you read this?"
"Easy, I picked it up and opened it. Pretty heavy stuff."
"How dare you!" I felt my anger peaking, while I desperately tried to hold myself together, my traitorous tears threatening to spill over.
"How dare I?! Are you fucking kidding me Bella, how dare you! Have you read what you wrote in that thing? What you wrote about me?! I can't believe you write to your ex-boyfriend in your journal like this. What the hell!" He yelled at me.
"You had no right!" I cried out, the tears spilling over as I clutched the hardback to my chest.
"How do you think that makes me feel? Reading that shit about him and me and 'Jake' "He sneered the last word. "What did you think was going to happen, that I'd be happy about it and not take offense."
"You weren't ever supposed to read it Damon! It's my personal thoughts! You were never intended to know ANY of what I wrote in this book! I can't believe you."
"But you intended for Edward to read them!" He fumed "Didn't you?"
He paused waiting for me to answer and when I didn't, he asked me again. "You did, didn't you. Has he already read them? What Bella?"
Another pause. "Your silence is deafening."
"No! ok, No, He hasn't read them and he never will."
"Then why do you write to him? What's the point?"
"I don't know" I flopped myself in the vacant chair that he had been sitting in.
"You don't know." He snorted and rolled his eyes "Right, and I'm supposed to believe you and be ok with the fact that you're writing your ex-boyfriend and comparing me to him. That's just great Bella."
"That's not what I'm doing." I hiccupped the words.
"Then what is it? And skip the teen drama and just get to it" He scowled.
"I don't know what you want me to say Damon, he left me, I've never seen him again and it hurt, so I started writing about it and haven't stopped. That's it." I said wiping angrily at my tears.
"Don't give me that goody goody crap. You're still in love with him. It's pretty obvious on those pages that you're holding onto so desperately. And you've made it pretty clear where I stand in all this too, you'd choose both Jacob and this Edward over me if it came down to it."
"I didn't mean for this to hurt you Damon."
"Of course, not Bella, you never do." He said, leaving me alone and crying in my room.
November 19th 2006
He knows about you now, not all of you, but he knows of you. These last few days have been horrible. He wanted to know everything, so I told him all that I could.
I haven't had to relive any of this for such a long time, it was painful. I hated it. Each time.
Having to repeat what he already knew again and again just so that he would feel comfortable with it, it wasn't fair.
And I miss Jake.
He and Damon made up, sort of, but he still doesn't come over like he used too, not when Damon's in town anyway.
He finally left today. I've never been so happy to be alone since my very first day in Forks.
I'm so angry with him for making me tell him about you, for him reading my personal thoughts with no consideration for me or my feeling whatsoever AND then to get angry with me over it?!
I don't know if I can keep doing this with him.
I've known for a while now, for a long while, that it wasn't working. I just wanted to try, I wanted it to work, not forever. I have other plans for my forever, but for a while at least, just so that I didn't have to be alone.
December 7th 2006
I can't do this anymore with him. I'm done.
All we do is fight. Fight about you, about Jake, about what to watch or where to go, about everything.
The thing is, is he's not a bad guy. He really isn't. He's smart and funny and sweet. He's still demanding and take charge, but I always liked that about him, I still do. He treats me great, when we're not fighting that is, and he's fun. I have so much fun with him, and he's beautiful, and he thinks that I'm beautiful. He's really truly wonderful.
He's just not you.
10 years ago...
I had invited Damon over so that we could talk. We originally had plans to go out, but I can't, I can't do this anymore. He's still angry about the journal and even though him and Jacob are speaking civilly to each other, I know he still doesn't like him and it causes tension.
He came in through the door, "I'm in here." I told him quietly from the living room. I have been pacing the apartment for the last hour trying to figure out exactly how I was going to approach this. I like Damon, I just can't be with him anymore, but I don't think we can be friends either.
"Hey." He said coming in the room, looking at me with knowing eyes.
"Hi." I said to him, giving him a weak smile. I couldn't look at him, so instead I looked down at my hands as I continued to ring them together.
"So, this is it then?" He said to me, making me look up in surprise. "You're finally going to do it."
"What?" I breathed out.
"Break up with me." He laughed without humor. "I knew it was coming."
"Damon, I..."
"Don't bother Bella. Like I said, I knew this was coming."
"I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore."
"Wow. Your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic."
"Don't be mean, I never meant to hurt you."
"I know Bella, I really do know that." He sat down and put his head in his hands. "I love you though. Did you know that?" He looked up at me "Probably not since I never told you."
"Damon." I said, sitting down on the couch next to him, tears trailing down my checks. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be Bell. I don't regret any of the time we've spent together."
"Neither do I." I told him sincerely, reaching out and putting my hands around his face. "I really do care about you."
"I know." He said sadly, looking into my eyes as he put a hand around the back of my head. He looked at me for a moment, and with his other hand wiped away a tear before leaning in to give me a last kiss before saying, "It's just not enough."
(4/19/11)