Chapter 26: EPOV: Masochist

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

"You… don't… want me?"

"No."

"Well, that changes things."

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human. I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this."

"You're not good for me, Bella."

"If… that's what you want."

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much,"

"Anything,"

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid, do you understand what I'm saying? I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself–for him."

"I will."

"And I'll make you a promise in return, I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed. Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."

"And your memories?"

"Well, I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted."

"That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Goodbye, Bella, take care of yourself."

The last memory I had of Bella as a human relentlessly replayed in my mind over and over again, now mixed with the words of her journal entries.

'In one month it will be a year that you've left; that you've disappeared; like everything else.

It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year, although, losing track of time was the most I asked from life.

I worry -late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation breaks down my defenses- that it is all slipping away. That my mind is a sieve, and I will someday not be able to remember the precise color of your eyes, the feel of your cool skin, or the texture of your voice.

Will it really be as if you never existed?'

Lies; all of it. All of it was a lie. I should have never left her, I should have went back to her. None of what I told her that fateful day was true...and what I put her through as a result of it...torture.

I tortured her. Again and again. I should have never left.

The journals are memorized; forever burned in my mind, and yet I continue to read them. I can't stop. Every page, every sentence of every word is a new stab to my cold dead heart, just as if it were the first time.

'Agony rips through me with the memory of your face, while your name sends a wave of torture through me.'

'The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now rear high up and wash over my head, pulling me under. I have not resurface.'

Bella's pain mirrored my own; unbearably so. We both secluded ourselves; gave in to the loss.

'The absence of you is everywhere I look, everywhere I go, but the pain is my only reminder that you were real...that you all were real.'

'Still I hope, I hope that you'll come out of the shadows, that you'll no longer just be a voice in my head.'

'I always hope'

'Between pain and nothing, I've chosen nothing.'

'Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it is a hard line to walk.'

'When I lay in my bed, late at night, I resign myself as the pain finally makes its appearance. It's a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole has been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.

Rationally, I know my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasp for air and my head spins as my efforts yield me nothing. My heart must still be beating, too, but I can't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my
hands feel blue with cold.

I curl inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scramble for my numbness, my denial, but it evades me..'

The memories of her doing this through Jacobs eyes haunt me, I've known the feeling she has described, it was my only companion for years...but, knowing it was hers as well,... it makes me want to die.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

…

"Edward?" Rosalie tapped lightly on the door before opening it a crack to peek her head in. "Can I come in?"

I didn't acknowledge her, instead flipping to the next page of Bella's journal and continued to read my torture.

Rose took my silence as invitation to quietly step in the room and carefully approach the bed. She stood for a few moments looking down on me – I could see myself through her eyes, and if I hadn't known I was looking at myself, I might agree with the worried thoughts that permeated her mind.

When I did nothing, she sat on the bed and reached out, gently pushing the book down so it lay on my lap.

"Edward. You should stop."

"I can't."

"Edward. You need to stop." She said, this time trying a different avenue.

"I can't." I told her again

"You can. You're choosing not too." She sighed. "I can't imagine what you're going through, but what I can see is what it's doing to you."

"Rose.." I tried to cut in, and bring the journal back up to a comfortable reading position, but she held it down and went on.

"You can't change the past Edward. There's nothing you can do about what has been done. But you can do something about now."

I shook my head back and forth, I couldn't really do anything could I? Bella doesn't remember me, and she has made it very clear she would like to keep it that way, and after reading this, how could I blame her? "No." I said.

"What do you mean no?" Rosalie's voice grew louder with her anger. "You're just going to give up? Take the easy way out and give up, is that it Edward?"

"There's nothing easy about any of this Rosalie!" I hollered back at her, looking into her furious face.

"Well, you could have fooled me Edward!" She matched my tone and stood from the bed. "Is this your big plan? to hide away again? Let the pain swallow you hole while you reel in it? Read those damn journals until the ink falls off the paper and the pages turn to dust? Because you're doing a fine job of doing nothing now! You might as well go crawl back in whatever hole you were in the last time and get it over with!"

I stared at her incredulously, my anger simmering as I realized everything she was saying was true. I'd already considered more than once to leave again; hide away from my family as to not cause them pain while I'd stayed away from Bella.

Yet, when I would reach that last thought I couldn't make myself move, I couldn't convince myself to go, there was nothing that me or anyone else could ever say or do to make me leave. I'm not ashamed to admit, I'd don't have the strength to stay away from her again – not ever.

Rosalie stared back at me; my emotions plainly written all over my face. "A long time ago, you made a decision Edward. Now, you need to deal with, get over it and move on."

She didn't say another word, or stomp away in her normal fashion, instead she calmly walked out of the room and gently closed the door behind her.

I spent the remainder of the weekend mulling over everything that she had said, taking the thoughts that my family had on the subject into consideration, along with my own. When I finally allowed myself to accept what I knew I always had planned to do, I was able to put down the journals and start to get my head into the right frame of mind.

I had my girl to win back and hiding out while sulking wasn't going to get the job done.

The following Monday morning Alice prepared me as best she could for what my day would look like. I wasn't too happy about Demitri's decision to follow Bella around like some lost puppy, but I had to give it to him, he knew how to play dirty.

"I'll be around Bella." Demitri said to her, while informing me. Looking over he finished saying in his head 'All. Day. Long,'

When he looked back at her a thought had occurred to him, one that I had hoped I would be able to avoid as much as possible while we fought for the girl I loved.

Demitri pulled Bella toward him – a little to rough for my liking, and held her tightly to his body while breathing heavily into her hair; infecting her with his smell, then breaking away, he crushed his lips against her with a discourteous kiss.

"What was that for?" She asked him with a smile. The smile I hoped wasn't out of enjoyment but rather graciousness on her part.

'Edward.' He thought to me. How callous of him to use her that way. I had to hold myself very still to keep from launching across the room, reminding myself that this was just the beginning in a hard battle ahead that I had every intention on winning.

"Good morning Edward." Bella turned to greet me once the degenerate left us alone in the room.

I was still to angry and hurt to respond to her, and if I was being completely honest with myself, jealously was a dominant emotion radiating through my body right now, I could only muster up a small nod in her direction.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

Taking in a deep breath I was able to calm myself enough to answer with absolute certainty "It will be."

The rest of the day and week followed just as tortuously as that first morning. Demitri was, as promised, around all the time. There was never a moment to speak with her privately, I was beginning to think I had lost the war when the battle had barely begun.

"Stop that." Alice chided me late one evening. Normally I would be sitting in a tree watching Bella at this time of night, but with Demitri here, well, I didn't want to be anywhere near what was potentially happening in that house. I couldn't stomach the thought of it even.

"Sorry." I told her, as I tried to think of something else.

"You know, he won't be here forever, he'll have to go back eventually..." She said, and as if on cue, received the vision that I had long been waiting for.

"That's earlier than we thought?" I questioned her.

"Yes, there must be a reason, but it's hidden from me." She told me, while searching again to see if she had missed something, as if that were possible. "He'll leave tomorrow morning."

I let out a heavy sigh; a deep breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding since Demitri showed up. I immediately felt lighter at the thought of him no longer hanging around.

"When?" I asked her, hoping she could narrow down the time for me, I needed to be able to speak with Bella as soon as I could.

"I can't see." She grimaced. "She starts shielding him once he tells her that he will be leaving."

I closed my eyes and nodded my head at the information.

"I'll keep an eye out for him, she'll have to stop shielding eventually."

"Thanks." I told her and then stood up to leave the house.

I began wondering the city and the surrounding wilderness for the next couple of hours. I needed time away from my family to freely think about everything that had happened over the last eleven years. I needed to see Bella, to apologize to her for everything, I knew that she didn't remember me or anything that had happened between the two of us, but I wanted to apologize to her regardless. I just needed to find the right time, and that would be as soon as Demitri left.

I'd been pacing in the direction of Bella's place for about an hour when my phone rang in my pocket. "Alice."

"Edward, I think Jacob may be at Bella's house."

"What?" I yelled into the phone.

"I'm sorry Edward." She began to plead with me over the phone as she explained. "I saw Demitri leave a little over an hour ago, but Bella went hunting right after or I would have called and told you right away. It wasn't until she approached her house that her future went blank again...it's not the same as when she is shielding herself, it's different...that's why I think it's Jacob, it's the same as his void, and I can't find any blank spots anywhere else."

I had already began to run in the direction to Bella's house before Alice could finish her explanation. When she was done talking, and after a few seconds of silence I clipped the phone shut. I couldn't say anything kind to my sister at the moment, so it was best if I didn't say anything at all.

It wasn't long and not that far into the woods that I picked up Jacobs trail, it was fresh and definitely in the direction of Bella's.

I was able to pick up his thoughts before either of them knew I was close, Jacob was in the midst of explaining to Bella that not all of her past wasn't worth remembering, questioning her why she wasn't willing to listen or hear him out.

I was just approaching the porch when Jacob acknowledged me and stood from his seat. "Jacob, I told you not to come here." I chided him.

"And I told you, I don't take orders from you."

"We talked about this." I reminded him. We had had this conversation more than once about him not coming here with out one of us or at least until we were sure Bella would be willing and, or interested in anything any of us had to say to her.

'I know how you feel about me being here, but I couldn't stay away. I wanted to see her for myself.' He was telling me.

Looking over at Bella and her relaxed and comfortable position I had to wonder if I had been wrong in keeping him away from her, she looked perfectly happy and carefree. 'How did you even know I was here?' Jacob asked silently.

"Alice." I answered him.

"She can't see me." He told me annoyed. "Or her." He added looking over to Bella. 'We're both blocked from her.'

"Right." I said to him, my patience beginning to wain.

"Then how did she know?"

"She saw Demitri leave." I told Jacob while looking at Bella, hoping to get some reaction from her at the mention of his name. "When she couldn't pinpoint any other blank spots, it was an easy conclusion to come to."

'Huh.' "Well thanks for stopping by." Jacob said, then sat back down in the chair he was in before. 'But you can go now.'

"I'm not leaving without you." I glared at him. "We need to talk."

"No, we don't." Jacob said 'Besides..' "Bella and I were having a nice conversation before you showed up, weren't we Bella."

"Actually," She said to him with a pleasant smile on her face. "I think you should both leave. I have some business of my own to take care of, and I don't want to be in the middle of whatever this is."She said, indicating with her hands to both of us.

"Sure, sure." Jacob told her as casually as he could. "We'll talk later." He said to her, then looking at me he angrily clipped out "Let's go." 'Leech.'

I watched her as she rose from her seat and walked past me, looking at me with the same weary expression she'd had all week. I smiled at her slightly,hoping to convey something to her, what I didn't know. Everything was a mess right now, all I wanted to do was to talk to her privately, yet every time I thought I might have an opportunity something was always getting in the way.

'If I can't talk to her, neither can you! You interrupted me for a reason, let's hear it.' Jacob yelled at me impatiently.

When we were far enough away Jacob turned on me, "What the hell was that!"

"That was me saving you from ruining everything!" I yelled back at him. "You have no idea what you are doing, do you think sitting around is easy for any of us? We're doing all this to get her back, not push her away!"

"What makes you so sure what I say to her will push her away?"

"I don't Jacob! That's the point, we can't see how she will react to anything you say to her! Your blocking Alice makes it impossible to predict her reactions, and nothing is worth the risk of pushing her further way."

"I don't have the luxury to wait around and hope that she'll someday remember or at the very least want to know anything, I want Bella back now!"

"Don't be melodramatic Jacob." I said to him dismissively. "I want her back too, but we need to work together. I won't lose her again. And I won't let anything or anyone, get in the way."

He was silent for a moment as he deliberated what I had said to him."Huh. So we finally agree on something."

"Where Bella is concerned Jacob, I think it's a safe bet that we'll most likely always agree with one another, especially when it comes to getting her back."

As we walked back to town I told him of the few times Alice had seen Bella turn away from us because of our pushing her too far too fast. It was because of that foresight that we were able to prevent it from happening, explaining to him that we really are doing everything at her pace was hard for him to accept, but he did eventually.

"Alright Cullen, we'll do it your way. For now." He decided, but informed me just as we were parting ways, "That is, until it isn't working anymore. Then we do it my way. I've known her longer, the real Bella, she's in there still. I understand what your saying, but I know that girl, and sometimes making her face things head on is the only way to get through to her. She's hard headed, sometimes she needs to be pushed."

I nodded my agreement to him. "We'll be in touch Jacob."

After leaving Jacob that afternoon I went home to inform the rest of my family about everything that had happened, but I couldn't stay. Demitri was gone, and that meant I was free to take up my watching over of Bella from a distance again.

I had Alice check on her earlier to let me know when the best time was to go, I wanted to avoid the conversation she would be having on the phone with Demitri, it was a nightly ritual for the two of them when they weren't together and not ever having to listen to another one of those wasn't soon enough.

I was anxious and nervous about approaching her, especially with what I had to say to her. I didn't know how she was going to react, or exactly what I was going to say, I just knew it needed to be something; anything to convey how sorry I was for everything.

When I finally reached her house, she was just getting into the bath, had I known that I might have stayed away a while longer or come a few minutes sooner. Sitting outside her home with the knowledge of her soaking in a warm bath just a few short feet and thin walls away was enough to drive me over the edge.

I quickly put myself in check at the direction of where my thoughts were heading, I was here to make things right with her, not fantasize about something that I may never have.

She'd been soaking in the bath for about thirty minutes when the waiting finally took it's toll and I could no longer hold myself back.

I knocked on the door gently and then watched with nervous anticipation while I waited for her to appear.

She had a silk robe wrapped loosely around her slender body, her hair in perfect disarray as she came out of a door and began to walk towards me. As she registered me through the window a small smile played at the edge of her lips.

"It's a little late for house calls." She said as she opened the door.

I was unable to react to her in the manner in which I'm sure she was expecting. Her close proximity, with the way she looked and smelled overwhelmed all my senses, I could only stare at her as I tried very hard to keep it polite.

I failed.

Before I realized what I was doing I found myself stepping towards her, taking back the little space she had kept between us, forcing her back into her home without invitation as I closed the door behind me.

"Edward?" She questioned, the concern in her voice was the only thing that brought me back to reality.

"Bella, I need to say something to you and you need to listen to me." I could hear the intensity in my voice as I pleaded with her. "I don't want you to argue with me, and I don't care if you don't want to hear it, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that for me please?" 'Please Bella' I echoed in my mind, hoping she wouldn't deny me.

She looked at me with an unreadable expression, searching my eyes she gave me what little hope I had and nodded at me to continue.

"I'm sorry." I painfully told her with little more than audible breath "I am so sorry Bella, I never knew" 'What I put you through' … "I had no idea." I paused to try and get my thoughts together, I didn't want to say too much, I didn't want her to change her mind and ask me to leave by giving away too much of what I actually had done to her in the past.

"My pain I could handle, I deserved it, but yours..." 'Is torture'

"I never meant to hurt you, ever. I thought..." 'I was saving you from me, from this life'

"I want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt you, I will never do anything to hurt you or cause you pain ever again." 'I will die first'

"If you let me and in any capacity, I will spend the rest of forever proving to you that I mean this." I pleaded with her, staring deep into her eyes as I begged for her to believe me, to let me prove to her that I meant everything I was saying with every fiber of my being.

I knew that she wouldn't understand what I was saying to her, but seeing the confused look on her face at my apology was heartbreaking "Edward? I don't understand."

"I know." I told her in misery. 'I know you don't love, and I can't have it both ways. I would keep that pain away from you forever if you would just remember me, but I can't.'

The look she was giving me was so similar to the ones I remembered from when she loved me, my body's instinctual reaction to her was to reach up, and gently wrapped my hand around the side of her delicate face; stroking gently across her check as I had always done in the past.

My heart swelled with her innate reaction as she leaned into my hand just as she used to. Smiling at her, my memories and hope for the future I closed the small distance that was still between us. I wanted to pull her against me and hold her, instead I kissed the top of her head, taking her scent in with me. I held the kiss longer than I should have; not wanting to let go, but she didn't back off or push me away, instead I broke the kiss before she could. Turning and showing myself out the door.

I didn't want to leave her, and I didn't know if she would allow me to stay 'small steps Edward' I told myself as I left her house and ran back through the woods.

'I'm not allowed to think of you. That is something I try to be very strict about. Of course I slip; I am only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now.

The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness.'

(5/16/11)