Chapter 29: Revelations
The truth is frightening.
Being lied to is infuriating.
The journals and what were in them is unbelievable.
As I closed the last journal and set it down, I didn't know how I felt, except for lost. It's a strange thing not remembering who you are, and then to be told by you, yourself is unfathomable. I didn't know how I should feel, or if I should feel anything at all. I'm still me, but who am I really? Is this person who I've become really who I am?
Are the things I like, really the things I like? or a product of my molders and creators? Are my actions my own, or am I merely a puppet on a string?
How do I trust anyone or anything in my present? My family, my friends, my boyfriend... are they even mine or some character's affiliations that have been created and given surroundings?
I felt my world crumbling around me with each thought; with each moment that past, leaving me alone and in silence, unaware and defenseless of my own self.
I numbly picked up the photo albums, and began flipping through the further evidence of my nonexistent self.
It was all so solid, this life that this person had lived, while my life – my current was airy and fluid; scattered and full of holes.
I wondered idly about the girl in these photos. I've spent the last several journal reads getting to know her, but did she know herself? Is this uncertainty a trait of hers; ours, or just mine?
Is my life one that she was really after in hers? I can't imagine myself wanting the unknown and yet she had escaped her life to become this; what I am today, but did she really? Did she really know that the life I lead was the one she was asking for?
I've never wanted to have a conversation with myself before, but I do now. This girl; Bella in the photos and the journals is the only one with true answers; answers to everything that I may never know.
She's the only one who can make sense of any of this, of all that is happening, and she's the only one I cannot speak with on the matter.
She is as lost to me as I am to myself.
I started to walk numbly around my house – this house that was surrounded by my things; and began feeling like a stranger within the walls – an empty hollow feeling taking up residence in my chest.
I felt my eyes prick with unshed tears.
A photograph that sat on an end table caught my attention as I made my way through the living room. It was a photo of Felix and myself at a ball held at the Volturi castle last year. Another sat beside it, one of Demitri and I when we were on vacation not so long ago. We looked happy, carefree – familiar. Yet looking at it made me sad, and then angry.
Did they know about all of this? About everything in my past? Did they intentionally hide this from me?
Of course, they did. The truth of the thought slapping me across the face.
They all knew – and hide it from me; lied to me to keep me with them. They're the Volturi for god sakes, they know everything.
The more I thought of about it the angrier I became. The anger turned into need – a need to confront them; a need to know everything they know; a need for the truth.
I dropped the frame and photo, and before it hit the floor, I had the journals and albums from Bella's past in a bag and I was out the door – running to the place that held my final answers.
They'll try to hold you there. I thought as I ran through the dense tree's in the forest surrounding my home. That's what all of this has been about; keeping me. This is the reason Edward and Jacob gave me this evidence, because the Volturi were coming after me, to keep me away from everything – like they've been doing for nine years.
No. They will not. I'm stronger than all of them, my shield is impenetrable, they cannot hold me against my will. No one can.
I ran faster than I have ever ran before; the bag with all the evidence pulling at my shoulders from the speed.
I thought about Edward and Jacob and the rest of the Cullen's as I ran. I should have told them not to follow me, I should have warned them to stay away. They've all been so persistent this whole time, if they come to me now, they will be captured.
The thought of them going against the Volturi frightened me to a halting stop. I couldn't bear the thought of them getting hurt for telling me the truth, it was inconceivable.
Dropping my shield, I walked over to a large tree, intentionally thinking about Alice as I did so. She is able to see me when I'm not shielding, so I hoped this would work just as well.
I peeled the bark away; uncovering the smooth surface below, and began to carve into it with my finger.
Do not follow me
Do not come after me
They will kill you
I focused on the words for a few seconds longer; hoping the message was received, and then took off running again. I could only hope they would listen to me and take my advice.
The sun was just starting to set when the castle came into view, my anxiety and nerves higher than they've ever been before.
I stopped just before entering the tunnels, thinking twice about entering the castle. I knew that my shield was strong, but Alice's vision and Edwards warning had me second guessing myself. Did they find some way to hold me that I didn't know about? Have they found a stronger talent than mine; something to counter act my own? Going into the castle – into their territory, seemed wrong all of the sudden as my self-preservation kicked in.
I've become so skeptical of everything and everyone in such a short amount of time, I thought I might be going crazy. Up until a few days ago the Volturi had done nothing to me but provide, and now I couldn't stop thinking about them as the enemy – something to protect myself from. I couldn't get myself to believe in them enough anymore to finish walking through the doors, I no longer trust them enough with my safety.
The realization and truth of this knowledge saddened me, making my chest ache as an unseen force barred down on my shoulders; heavy and dark. I wanted to crawl in a hole; to hide away from it all, this mess that my life had become.
There would be a guard inside the tunnels, and since I had obliterated my phone, he would have to serve as my way of communication.
"Guard." I called out.
"Yes?" The person answered out to me.
Recognizing the voice as a newer recruit, I proceeded in a friendly tone. "Riley, it's Bella."
"Oh, hey Bella." He said to me, and then began walking towards me.
"Hey." I smiled at him. "I don't have my phone; would you mind going in and asking Felix or Demitri to come out here and speak with me?"
Looking at me skeptically he said, "You can go in Bella."
"I know, but I need to stay out here." I told him, and then added. "It's important that I stay out here, but I need to speak with either of them."
As I told him this, my voice changed the request into an order. "Of course." He said to me, then giving me a small bow, he turned and went into the castle.
I paced the grounds, moving further back from the door as I waited. I needed to speak with more than just Demitri and Felix, and I hoped that my request wouldn't just bring either of them, but all of them instead.
It was only a few moments later that Felix came out of the doors in a hurry.
"What are you doing here!" He yelled at me as quietly as he could.
"I needed answers."
"I warned you so that you would stay away, not so you would come knocking on the door Bella!"
The look on his face was frantic, I could only hope that his concern was genuine and not part of some act.
"You should leave before the rest of them come out here." He continued.
"I can't do that Felix."
"Then you're a fool."
"And you're a liar." I told him, my chest constricting against the words. Felix flinched at the statement; his eyes sad as his body slouched with the truth.
We stood staring at each other, unable to say anything more while we listened to the footfalls of the others as they approached.
"Bella!" Aro chimed as soon as he was out the door and in view.
I strengthened my shield and slightly pushed it out, Felix's eyes widening against the nudge. "Aro." I replied, turning away from my once best friend, to face the man I had called father.
"I'm so glad you've come home." He said smiling to me, holding out his arms in welcome for our normal exchange. "It saves us a trip of coming to get you."
When I didn't immediately move toward him and place myself in his arms, his face contorted in question before asking me "Is everything all right Bella dear?"
I looked at him for a moment, then looked around to the rest of who were in attendance. Marcus and Caius stood next to Aro in their normal fashion, while Demitri, Jane and the rest of the first guard stood with them in their normal defensive positions.
As I caught Demitri's eye, I lingered there, looking at his face, hoping for some kind of answer. But as I knew I would, I found nothing but the cold hard look of a guard.
"Bella?" Aro addressed me again after a few moments of my silence.
"No Aro, everything is not all right." I told him, pulling my eyes from Demitri's face to look at him.
"Well, let us go inside so that we may discuss the matter in private." He told me while turning his body, indicating toward the door.
"I have no plans to go any further than this Aro, not until I get the answers I came here for."
Anger quickly flashed across his features before smoothing out and turning into question. "Alright." He said flatly, then with a wave of his hand, he dismissed all the others; save the first guard.
"What is this about?" Aro asked me in the same flat, detached voice once the others had left.
Before answering him, I shrugged off the bag from my shoulders and pulled it around in front of me.
It was at this point that I knew my fear and reluctance was not mine alone, the Elder guards moved in to place themselves in front of Aro, Marcus and Caius – between them and me; the same way we all used to when a threat made itself known.
"That hurt more than I thought it would." I said to them trying to keep my voice even, while my heart began to break. I didn't look at any of them when I said this, and I didn't stop my movements with their own; instead I continued to pull the bag from around my back, unzip it and pull out the photo albums and journals I had brought with me.
Looking down at what I held in my hands I told them all, "There was nothing in this bag that could have done as much damage as what you've just proven to me." Even to my own ears, I heard the heartbreak in my words.
"Bella." Demitri whimpered out, allowing himself the smallest break in rank.
"You knew." I said to him as I gently stroked the evidence that lay in my hands. "You knew, didn't you?" I asked him as I finally allowed myself to look up. I knew the answer to my question, but I needed to ask it anyway, I needed to hear it from his mouth.
Demitri didn't answer me, but his silent stare said enough. "Why?" I followed with another question.
Again, he didn't answer me.
"Isabella." Caius spoke up as he moved himself forward to face me. "We've been over this."
"Yes Caius, we've been over the lies." I said looking to him, "Now let's go over the truth."
"You know the truth already Bella." Aro spoke again; moving himself past Demitri and Jane where they had placed themselves in front of him.
"I know what you've told me; not the truth." I said to him and then held up what was in my hands. "And I know the truth of the evidence that I hold here."
"Do you really believe the fabrications that the Cullen's have presented you with?" He asked me.
"I believe in the evidence that they have given me, yes. It's a difficult thing to deny, these photographs."
"Those too can be easily manipulated Bella."
"Perhaps." I told him, "But for what purpose Aro?"
"To take you from us!"
"Why would they want to do that? There's no reason to make up such an elaborate lie as this. It wouldn't make any sense." I said to him, annoyed by his pathetic attempt to convince me otherwise. "Besides, you have said yourself that I did in fact know them, why the change in story now?"
"Bella..."
"Father! I know the truth!" I yelled at him, then through the photo album at him. "Look for yourself, and tell me that this is not what it appears to be. Tell me that all of it is a lie, that I ran from those people that I clearly loved and that who obviously felt the same way for me." I paused for a moment, then through one of the journals at his feet. "Then tell me that what is written in those journals is just as false as the photographs."
He was silent while he flipped through the pictures, and continued to be as he picked up the journal a quickly read through some of the passages.
"I see." He said before tossing my things back over to me. "What do you want to know."
"So, it is true isn't it?"
"It would appear so."
"Don't give me that, tell me the truth. Answer my questions."
"Yes Bella, it is true." He said as he clasped his hands together in front of him. "All of it is true, as you well know. But what we have told you is the truth as well."
"Not all of it."
"No, not all of it. Most of it though, the rest was left out to protect you, just as we have always told you."
"You hide important facts and details from me."
"To keep you with us, yes."
"Why?"
"You are a valuable asset to the guard Bella; your power is unlike any other."
"So, you kept the truth from me? To keep me for my power?"
"Don't be absurd, we love you. That is also the truth."
"But I had a life, family and friends..."
"Whom you chose to leave behind, whom you wouldn't have been able to be involved with regardless if you remembered them or not. We didn't make this decision for you, remember dear, you came to us."
"I know that." I told him, I did know that it was my choice – Bella's choice, she had written about it in the journals. "But you still lied to me, you told me that I had been abandoned. That I had come to you seeking death."
"Didn't you?" He questioned me.
"What?"
"Of course, you came seeking death Bella, why else would a human track down the Volturi. You've seen how we operate, you yourself have upheld our laws and rules. Humans are not allowed to know of our existence, they are either changed if they prove to be useful or they serve us in other ways."
"I know that too, but you knew about me, the truth about me and the Cullen's when Carlisle came to you two years ago."
"Again, it was out of love for you that we didn't tell you."
"You wanted to keep me for my power, not because you loved me."
"Both of those reasons are true."
"And when Edward came to you. You knew how he felt. You told me that I was nothing to any of them, that I meant nothing to him, that I was a distraction, a play thing."
"You are with Demitri. What purpose would it have served to tell you about him, when you didn't feel anything for, or remember him at all."
"Because it was the truth, because it was the right thing to do, because by keeping all of this from me you've intentionally lied to me for over nine years, because now that I know, how do you expect me to trust you?"
"I understand that you feel wronged and betrayed by us somehow, but it all goes back to the point of; you came to us dear, you wanted what we gave you. If you have lost your trust in us, well... that is something that you need to fix."
"You've clearly lost something for me as well Aro, why else would you protect yourselves against me and react the way you did?"
"We couldn't be sure about your motives for wanting to meet with us outside Isabella" Caius said. "We knew that the Cullen's and the wolf boy have been in constant contact with you, it is out of caution on our part; not mistrust."
"There's not a difference." I told them.
To that no one had anything to say. The space around us and all who were within it was silent for a long while. When it looked as though I wouldn't be getting any further information from any of them, I bent down and began to repack the bag with the journals and photo albums. I wasn't satisfied with the answers that I had received, even though it would appear to be everything that I had asked for.
I was well aware that I had originally come to them, it was written in the books and I had always been told this by the Elders, but I still felt as though something was being kept from me, something important that they were hiding, but more importantly that than – I no longer trusted them. Any of them.
"I need time to sort through everything that has happened." I told them after I fixed the bag around my back.
"Bella." Aro said my name in a way that reminded me of a child being told no after asking for something.
"I need time Aro."
"I'm sorry dear, but you will need to stay here."
"Excuse me?"
"You may take all the time you need, but you will do it here, in the castle." He told me sternly.
Demitri began to walk toward me once Aro had finished speaking, and so did a reluctant Felix.
"No." I hollered at him, taking a few steps back. "You can't keep me here against my will."
"You are a member of the Volturi guard Bella, you will do as you are told."
"So, I'm your prisoner now? Is that it, Father?"
"Of course not." He told me calmly. "You will have every comfort you have always had."
"Except the ability to leave the castle."
"We want you close, to keep you safe."
Demitri had come as close as my shield would let him, and he began to feel around it, pushing on it as if there were a way to get in.
"I will not be held here; you cannot make me!" I yelled at all of them. "Demitri? Why are you doing this?" He didn't answer me, and he didn't look at me, he just kept feeling around and pushing on my shield.
"Felix?" I turned to him.
"I'm sorry Bella." He told me, the look on his face proved that he meant what he was saying.
"Isabella! Lower your shield and show yourself inside." Caius yelled at me.
With his words I looked over to him, caught off guard by the demand in his voice. I felt myself begin to waver, a need to be here with them came over me so strongly that I momentarily obeyed his command and lowered my shield. Demitri and Felix had both wrapped their hands around my forearms and began walking me forward.
I had taken several steps before I thought about what I was doing. When it occurred to me that my actions were not my own (my thoughts from before slapping me in the face) I looked over and found an answer to a question that I had not thought to ask.
Chelsea and Afton, we standing together, in contact and focusing on me. It was all so surreal, looking my mistrust in the face.
I pushed out my shield; putting every ounce of strength I had into it; causing both Demitri and Felix to go flying away from me.
I rounded on the rest of them, pushing out the barrier further in front of me as I continued to fall back.
"WHY!?" I yelled at them through clenched teeth. "Why would you do this to me!?" I continued, trying desperately to hold on to my focus when all I wanted to do was break down and cry.
"Bella..." Aro started to say as he began stepping forward toward me, holding out his hands to me in peace.
"You're manipulating me..." I exhaled out with a broken sob. "You've been manipulating me this whole time... haven't you?"
"Bella, please... "Aro was saying, "let me explain..."
"NO!" I yelled and pushed them all back further with my shield. "Stay away from me! All of you!"
I didn't wait for them to pull any more tricks out of their bag to use against me, I left – running faster than I had when I was on my way here earlier today; pushing my shield to its maximum capacity while putting everything I had into it.
I ran, and I kept running until the castle and Volterra were out of sight. I ran until Italy and all its occupants were miles behind me. I ran into the night and continued through into the next day.
I just ran.
(6/22/11)