Chapter 31 EPOV: By and by

I wondered idly for the hundredth time as I walked the streets of Dallas, if this is what it felt like for Bella when I left her. I of course know how I felt, and having read her journals, I understand the words that were described, but it's a whole other thing all together experiencing it firsthand.

Being left without more than a few words of explanation is as confusing as it is frustrating. Knowing that my profession of love wasn't enough to keep her with me is a painful experience I'm trying desperately not to allow hold me back.

But knowing that she is out there somewhere, intentionally keeping herself from me, is the hardest of all things to face and accept. This is the one thing that I cannot blame on a number of other circumstantial events which resulted in where we are at today, I tell myself this daily to get through to the next, while simultaneously telling myself that when I see her again it won't be the last, that she will not run away and hide from me. I allow myself to believe that the next time I see her she will want to talk to me, and that even though she may never remember her past, she'll allow me to be a part of her future.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day.

It's been almost a year since the last time I saw Bella in person, and nearly six months since we lost her in Canada. When we had been looking for her before, we had always some place to go, some place we hadn't thought to look, or tip or a call of possibility to lead us in another direction.

This time it's as though she ceased to exist.

I wonder if she has found some place quiet and so far out of the way we will never think to cross her there. I can imagine her living on the outskirts of a small town. In a little cottage tucked in next to trees, maybe along a mountain side or a river.

She would keep to herself, rarely ever going into the village, but always warm and friendly when she did. Her kindness would be the only reason the towns people wouldn't bother or worry about her, but they would speculate and have exotic stories to explain her living arrangements.

The women would envy her and the men would fawn over her, but none would ever approach her – she wouldn't allow it, couldn't allow it for fear of it breaking her silence and word of her whereabouts getting out.

Whatever she's doing, she's mastered the ability of evasion, and has become quite adept at keeping her shield up and strong at all times. Even the short amount of time I spent with her after her change, I knew her to let her shield down, and Felix confirmed that she preferred not to have it up if she could avoid it. It could become physically tiring for her, but mostly she felt as though it blocked her from the rest of the word. Not to say she didn't love her shield; it has become the one thing that has kept her safe all these years, but to use it just to use it made her feel isolated and alone.

Thoughts like these have kept my mind occupied and busy all these long months, sometimes days or weeks would pass without my conscious awareness as I traveled and searched on autopilot. And while thousands of possibilities and fantasies about Bella, her life, where she might be or what could potentially happen once she's been found, continue to run through my head, none of them are comforting enough for me to stop searching. Nothing I or anyone else could ever dream up will be enough for me to stop looking for her.

"Edward!" A voice I recognized immediately called from a few blocks down.

I looked up to find myself near W Northwest Highway, and within throwing distance of another Barnes & Noble. I wasn't at all excited to see the three sisters standing before me just a few blocks down, I would have preferred not seeing anyone at all, but having to deal with Tanya and her insistent flirting was the last thing I needed or wanted to do right now.

Unfortunately, I didn't have it in me to be rude, so begrudgingly I went forward and soon found myself in the midst of a growing group of people and the three Denali sisters.

"Edward!" Tanya chimed again while throwing her arms around me for a hug.

"Hello Tanya." I said to her politely, all the while trying not to cringe away from her touch. "Kate, Irina." I addressed them as soon as I unwrapped myself from within Tanya's grasp. "How are you all?"

"We're well." Kate replied. "What brings you to Dallas Edward? Is the rest of your family here?"

"No, it's just me." I told her evasively. "And what might you ladies be doing here?"

The three of them looked at each other for a second before Tanya turned to me, "Don't laugh." She said through a smile.

"I promise." I vowed to her, now slightly interested in what she was about to tell me.

"We are here for a book signing." She told me flippantly.

"Why would I laugh at that?" I questioned her.

"It's a Sookie Stackhouse book signing." Kate informed me.

"Oh." I choked out through a huge smile, holding back the bellow that was threatening me with escape.

"You said you wouldn't laugh!" Tanya giggled then slapped me on the arm.

"I'm not laughing."

"Whatever Edward." She rolled her eyes, "Eric Northman is a hot piece of vampire Viking ass, and if I get a chance to meet his creator, I'm taking it!"

"Or if she gets the chance to meet him, she's taking him!" Kate teased her sister.

Although it was a joke, I had no doubt that it was at the very least a passing thought for one or all of the sisters.

"I'll never understand our kinds fascination with the human's version of our species." I said to them playfully.

"So, they get a few things wrong, it's still interesting!" Irina said, defending their obsession.

"A few things?" I provoked, "I would say they get a little more than a few things wrong! Especially True Blood, with the fangs and fairies..." I rolled my eyes, "Please."

I couldn't help it after that, I laughed. I laughed at them, I laughed at the ridiculous and ironic conversation we were having, and I laughed at myself... and it felt good.

"I'm glad I ran into the three of you." I told them sincerely after each of us controlled ourselves. "I really needed this distraction and a good laugh."

"Glad we could help." Kate said dryly but with a smile.

"You never did tell us what brought you here?" Irina questioned me again.

"I'm looking for someone." I told her.

"Finally tired of being alone?" Tanya teased, but the look in her eye and the thoughts in her head were far from the carefree tone she was trying to apply.

"Who are you looking for?" Irina asked after rolling her eyes at her sister.

"Or do you even know?" Kate joked.

"It's difficult to explain, but I definitely know."

"Well maybe we can help?" Tanya offered, "Is he someone we might know?"

"She, and no I don't think so."

"She?" Tanya's voice was a little higher than it should have been. "Just a friend of yours?"

I looked at her and as kindly as I could make the words sound, I answered her with a simple but stern "No. She's not just my friend."

"Oh."

The two other sisters began to fidget within the silence, until finally Irina said. "Well, I'm sure we can't help you then Edward." She said not unkindly, "I can't imagine us knowing your mate and not knowing that she was with you."

"No, I don't suppose you would." I told her.

"Can I ask why you are looking for her? That seems a little strange!" Tanya tried to compose herself by asking more questions and making a joke out of the situation. "Is she lost?!" She said with a chuckle.

"As a matter of fact, she is lost." I told them. "It is however a really long story, and one I would like to not get into right now."

"Alright, that's fine. Is there anything that we can do to help?" Kate asked. "Maybe we can keep an eye out for her too? Do you have a description?"

I appreciated the offer, and without going into detail I told them only the things that would help them recognize Bella if they were to see her.

"...and she has long mahogany hair. She's also a vegetarian, so you'll know by her eyes."

"And what's her name?" Kate asked.

"Bella."

"Bella?!" Tanya blurted out and then turned to Irina. "Is he describing your Volturi friend Bella?"

"What..." I demanded of the three of them, "you know her?"

"It can't be the same person," Irina began to say. "She's not lost, she was just up in Alaska a few weeks ago." She told me, and while she did a stream of pictures of Bella began to play through her head.

"You're who taught her about vegetarianism?" I asked her.

"Yes." She replied. "Several years ago, when I went to Volterra." She looked at me as she spoke, the shock and awe on my face became realization on hers. "She's who you are looking for, isn't she?"

"Yes." I said a little too breathy

"Well, Edward, she seemed fine." Kate assured me, "in fact when she was leaving, she said she was heading to the main land, that she had business here."

The rest of the conversation was lost on me as I hastily thanked them and began to run to the nearest airport. I relayed what I had been told to Alice, Jasper, Carlisle and Esme so that they could be on the lookout. Immediately following I called and informed Jacob, then Felix.

Bella was close; she was here, now we just had to find her.

By the time I reached Addison Airport over an hour had passed. It is maddening having to travel at a human pace when you are in a hurry. Once I finally reached the airport, I proceeded to buy every ticket available over the next twenty-four hours that would take me to Florida, Washington and New York. I wanted to buy all them for every destination, but I held out hope that she would be spotted at one of these sights before any other.

I was pacing a long stretch of hallway when Alice first called me.

"She was here." She said in a rush of excitement.

"How long ago?"

"A week at the most." She said. "There wasn't any scent outside, so I had to wait for Phil and Renee to fall asleep before I could check the house, but she was definitely here."

When I didn't say anything right away or share her enthusiasm, she questioned me "Edward?"

"This doesn't help us Alice. She was there a week ago, where is she now?"

"I know Edward, but it's something." She told me exasperated, "it's more than we've had for six months."

"I know." I admitted to my sister, she was right, it just wasn't enough. "Alice, Jacob's calling through right now, I'll let you know if I find anything else out." With that I ended the call with her to answer the other line.

"Jacob, Alice caught her scent in Florida but it's about a week old." I told him as a greeting before he could say anything.

"She's been here too." He said with as much excitement as Alice had portrayed. "I just left Charlies place, it's fresh Edward, maybe a day."

"Anything else? Around the woods?"

"Just the trail that lead to Charlies, I was able to track her movements after she left but just for a couple of miles then I lost it in the ocean."

"But you said it was fresh? A day, more or less?"

"I would guess less than a day."

I was on the next plane to Washington.

When I arrived, I knew I had to be careful not to be seen by anyone that would recognize me, it had been nearly fifteen years since I was last seen in Forks and not aged one day. It was early afternoon when I arrived so I went to the house first, deciding to wait until nightfall to head over to the Swan residence.

The house was exactly as we had left it, save fifteen years of dust and neglect. The landscape was overgrown and covering the road to get to the house, if you hadn't known it was there a human would never see it.

Stepping through the front door it was eerily quiet and it felt empty to the point of sadness, the door squeaked with its first use and it echoed throughout the house.

Bella had been here too, and Jacob was right, her scent was strong and all over the place. Why had she come here? I couldn't dare let myself hope she may be remembering anything, but would she come here to learn about her past?

Walking through the house I could almost follow her trail of movements, where she went first and where she ended up last. I followed her out the back of the house and kept with her scent until I came to the river. Her scent stopped there, and if I had been thinking clearly, I might have thought she went into the water and was lost to me again, but instead I jumped the river, and found her again.

I began to run instead of walk, I couldn't seem to track her fast enough. I knew I was a glutton for punishment, that her trail would end in the ocean just had Jacob had said, and when it did, I would be lost and devastated again, but I kept going.

I realized soon though that the trail I was following must have been different than Jacob's, Bella wasn't going nearer the water but rather further away from it, further into the woods – and in a direction I began to recognize almost immediately.

Once I figured out her destination my legs couldn't move fast enough, and as I approached the outer skirts of the meadow, her scent was everywhere; she had been here more than once.

I slowed my walk to a human pace as I made my way to the edge of the circular clearing that had once been our place.

Bella was standing in the middle of the meadow, shimmering in the afternoon sunlight.

"Bella..." I called out calmly, afraid I would spook her like a skittish animal or a scared child.

She didn't answer my call but she didn't run away, she turned her head slightly, giving me my first real glimpse of her face in the last twelve months.

"Please don't run." I pleaded with her as I continued my slow approach.

"I'm not going to run Edward." She said to me, then turned to face me full on. Of course, she was exactly as I remember her, looking just as perfect as she ever did, but I took in her appearance as if it were the first time, a weight of worry lifting from my chest as a sigh of relief escaped my lips.

"I've been looking for you." I told her as I made my way further in the meadow, standing nearly within reaching distance of her.

"I know." She admitted to me, not moving from my close proximity.

"Why..." I let the single word linger in the air between us, not sure which others to attach.

"I needed time, I needed to find myself."

"And, now you've done that?" I asked her, scared and eager to hear the answer.

She didn't give me one, just her sweet smile that I've longed to see. I didn't want her to leave, and I didn't want her to stop talking to me, so without letting my brain get to much in the way, I began to speak to her about where we were.

"This place..." I said and then paused to look around, "it was special."

I looked at her to gauge her reaction to what I was saying, she didn't look disproving so I continued. I walked closer to her, passing her as I circled around to take in the full view, when I turned back around, she was facing me again. "You were the first and only person I'd ever brought here." I said.

"I know." She replied then smiled at me for the second time. I was dumb founded. In all the scenarios I had played in my head throughout this whole ordeal, I never imagined us meeting here, and I never expected her to be so accommodating. I had hoped, but never imagined it to be.

"You read that in the journals." I agreed with her, realizing she would have read her own version of what the meadow meant to her.

"No Edward, I remember."

"You remember?" I asked her, desperately holding onto my hope and relief, fearing its backlash if I were to allow it to escape.

"Yes." She beamed.

"What do you remember?"

"Everything."

8/30/11