Chapter 33: Brass tacks

The Macquarie Island wasn't ideal, yet it was perfect; exactly what I needed in a place to get lost. There was no population to speak of; at least not in the terms that are used when describing a city or state on any main land. There are no shopping malls or schools, no housing developments or car pools, and the wildlife is as unappealing for a vegetarian as it gets.

The Macquarie Island is only home to a large array of wildlife in between Australia and Antarctica. It houses a research station that consists of thirty separate buildings, and is managed by the Tasmanian Parks and Wildlife Service. It's cloudy, wet and windy with an average summer and winter temperature of around forty degrees Fahrenheit.

There is absolutely no reason for me to be here; therefore, it is the perfect place.

When I arrived, it was the 'off' season in Macca, so there were only sixteen employees and staff currently on site compared to its busier forty during the summer rotation. When I had thought of coming here several months ago, I had created and put together an alias using what little knowledge I had in natural and environmental science to create a false scientific study and resume' that would allow me to stay on the island with the other researchers without drawing any unwanted attention and questions to myself.

The island itself is only about three miles wide and twenty miles long. I could have easily stayed hidden from anyone currently occupying the land, and since I would need to leave to hunt anyway it was an option I had considered, but in the end, I decided to go with the alias and make myself known to avoid any mishaps.

I allowed myself limited contact with the other researchers and island staff, appearing as the ever-dutiful scientist overly absorbed in my work. After several weeks of the others attempting to get me to join them in the mess, they eventually gave up and stopped asking, also taking the same approach with any other activities they would indulge themselves in when they weren't busy with their own work.

I had been studying the four species of penguin that were on the island for about three weeks when I had my first memory from my human life. The guise I had originally come here under had unexpectedly turned into a fascination and real research as I tried to understand mating between the penguins and what, if anything it had in common with my species and how we mated for life with one another.

I was surprised how the memory related to what I had been doing when it came to me, and as futilely as I tried when it was gone, I couldn't get anything further out of it. More overwhelming than the memory itself even was the emotion that I experienced with it.

As the thought produced itself in my mind, I found myself chuckling at the flashback before I realized what had happened or what I was doing.

"We are not like penguins Bella, geez." Jacob said rolling his eyes at me by the comparison before turning his back to me.

"Sure, you are Jake," I said goading him, while fighting back my smile and a fit of laughter. "Penguins mate for life, it's probably exactly like imprinting, they just can't phase into human form to look through a dictionary and find a defining word for what they do."

"Bella, that is ridiculous!" He huffed.

"Why?!"

"Because penguins all look alike! What would be the point of screwing around?" He said to me seriously, turning back around from under the hood of the rabbit to make eye contact with me. "Of course, they mate for life, it's not like they're going to find a new great looking penguin someday. How could they tell?!"

He couldn't even finish what he was saying before he busted out laughing, causing me to lose the battle within myself and laugh right along with him.

I spent two days dwelling on that glimpse of a memory, replaying it over in my head again and again until I had analyzed everything I could make out of the fuzzy thought. The familiarity of Jacob and his presence in the memory along with the feeling of absolute comfort had me chomping at the bit for more to come.

Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how to draw them out, and the only connection between what I was doing that day and the memory itself were the penguins I was watching at the time. Having no idea how to produce anything else with commonalities, I had to wait for them to come all on their own.

Once they started however, they were not to be stopped.

There was no rhyme or reason and no pattern to follow when it came to remembering, sometimes they would spring to the forefront of my mind, while other times they quietly presented themselves in the back of my consciousness, I would sometimes not even notice that I had learned anything new for several seconds before finally making the connection.

By the end of the second month I had remembered all of my childhood and some of my teen years, along with some early adult memories and even a few that included Edward and the Cullen's.

I decided at that point to reread the journals and put out some of the pictures in my quarters to hopefully jog myself along and speed up my remembrance.

I was surprised at how quickly the memories started to come after that, and silently cursed myself for not thinking about doing it sooner. Even as I flipped through the albums to pull photos out to hang, I began to remember being in them, remembering the details of whatever event lauded to having the photograph taken in the first place.

The flip side of this new technique was experiencing the journals in almost a surround sound effect. I of course had the words memorized from my first read through, so with my new memories and feelings about the words written, along with the past ones resurfacing all while reading in the present made for an almost 3D effect. It was challenging to say the least, especially considering that I clearly remembered not wanting to experience it all the first time, let alone how I was going about it now.

By the fourth month I had a very clear picture of who I had been and how I had become who I was. With all the knowledge I had discovered over the last few months and what was left to learn I had become restless with the need to leave the island and continue my search and realization elsewhere. I could no longer sit around and hide, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to make my presence known to all that I had left behind, nor did I want to. Not yet anyway.

I felt an all-consuming need to go back to my roots, or retrace my steps through life as it were.

The first thing I did after leaving the Macca was to research and seek out my parents. I needed to see them; I needed to know that they were all right, what they were doing and how they were getting along in life. I couldn't ever see them again, I knew that, I knew that I would never get to talk to them again, or tell them that I was o.k. and that I was sorry for leaving them, but I needed to know that they were o.k. even though they would never get the favor returned.

I knew without having to look that Charlie was still in Forks and confirmed that when I Googled him anyway. Renee and Phil were almost as easy to locate, they were still in Florida just in a different city than the one I had known them to be in.

Upon my research I had had the presence of mind to look for any of the Cullen's or Volturi and their aliases in the surrounding areas of both of my parents. I learned that Alice and Jasper had been living in Florida just a few short miles from where my mother and her husband had bought their house. I couldn't be sure that they were the only ones in Florida, but the house they were renting was leased only to Jasper and Alice Whitlock. It was only natural for Jasper to use his original surname with Rosalie out of the picture; it was always at her insistence that they use Hale when they were all together. I smiled at the little bit of information that so easily came to me without having to struggle to find it.

I discovered that there were no Cullen's or Volturi in or around the Washington area, and although I had been expecting to find a property listing for the former, I was not surprise at the latter. I guessed that if anyone was there waiting with a watchful eye it would be Jacob and the rest of the Quileute pack. I knew without any doubt that they would have continued to patrol around my father and Sue's house and the rest of Forks since there were no vampires in residence to keep them out of city limits.

I traveled back to the states and into Florida intending to check on my mother first before heading to Washington to look in on my father. I ended up having to stay out of town for a few days waiting for a bad weather report before making my way down to Palm Bay where they had moved two years ago. Once I arrived, I easily stayed out of sight, following and watching them for a solid four days before having to leave because of the good weather that was returning.

I was relieved to find them both happy and healthy, and even though it saddened me tremendously that I would never get to talk to my mother again, I was grateful that I was able to look after her in any capacity, grateful that I finally remembered the woman who gave me life and thankful that I was once again able to remember the love that I felt for her.

After reluctantly leaving Florida I continued my stroll down memory lane and headed over to Phoenix before making my way into Washington. There wasn't anyone that I particularly wanted to see in Arizona but rather places I wanted to visit that held a certain amount relevance for me. Once arriving however, I discovered that the places I was drawn to the strongest were the ones that held the most pain; the ballet studio in particular. It had been damaged in the fire that was set to cover up what had happened with James and had since been remodeled, almost immediately upon seeing the renovations I lost the desire to be in Phoenix all together, and left without a second thought or glance back.

I took extra care while traveling through Washington, taking my time and exercising extreme patience while I watched and waited for any signs of discovery. I knew that once my scent had been come across, I would be found and have to face the consequences of my decision to come here. I was prepared, but wanted to avoid it nevertheless.

After carefully and intentionally giving La Push and the Quileute's a wide berth of travel around their land I finally made my way into Forks and over to my dad's. There were traces and remnants of shifter trails, but was pleased to discover that they were not fresh, however frequent. The scents that were in and around the house were like a blanket, covering almost the entire area, indicating the wolves were here often. However, the trails that were left were a few days old and had been for the most part washed away with the rain. It concerned me, not for Charlie's safety, but rather that they could show up at any moment, and I wouldn't have as much time with him as I'd had with Renee.

It didn't matter though, almost immediately I came to that conclusion, and decided to stay and take my chances.

Seeing him and Sue and how happy they were was such a relief I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Knowing that both of my parents were happy, and given I was able to see that truth with my own eyes was like an exhale of breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I was especially happy for my father and step mother as I watched over them for the few short days I dared to do so before fearing I would be discovered.

It was inevitable that the wolves and therefore Jacob would know I was here, so after spending as much time as I dared watching them, knowing that they would most definitely show up at any moment, I moved on to the next leg of my journey.

I really had no right to visit the Cullen's property, and having only been there a few times during a few short months of my life here in Forks, I don't know why I needed to see the beautiful home again, but I did. Shortly after leaving Charlie's I found myself staring up at the colonial three-story white house, nestled in the forest next to the river just as I had remembered it from my hazy human memories.

I walked around the property, taking my time before making my way back to the front of the house and up the steps to the porch. I stood at the front door for a long while wondering exactly what I was to do next.

I knew my time here in Washington was drawing to an end, and yet I felt reluctant to leave, I also knew I was procrastinating my last destination by standing here in front of an empty, locked up house. I needed closure, that was why I was doing all of this, and prolonging this end of my life was not conducive of moving forward with the rest of it.

Finally making a decision I went ahead and walked through the front door and into the house that had been where my journey started in getting me here where I stood today so many years ago. It was sad seeing the house in its current state; lifeless and empty, the walls were bare and the little furniture that was left was covered and tucked away, the only scent to be detected was that of unuse, and stagnant air.

I wondered around the house, trying to remember what it had looked like when I was here last, sifting through the blurry memories of my human self and her time. It was difficult to remember, yet I was pleased with the recall of even the slightest things.

I wandered through the house and soon found myself in the living room. Most of the evidence of that fateful night had been cleaned up and cleared away, all but the noticeably large and empty space that had once held a baby grand piano. Knowing that the space would have been vacant regardless was of little comfort to me, but realizing it had been destroyed that night and leaving this emptiness in its wake was the real and sad truth.

I stood in the living room, allowing the memories of my birthday that year to wash over me for a long time before finally moving on and through the rest of the house. As the hours ticked by, I was finding it harder and harder to be here, but knew that I needed to finish what I had started before I could leave. I had one last room to revisit before making my way to the end of my journey.

After ascending the stairs, I made my way over to where Edwards room had been and gently pushed the door open; exposing its secrets to me. Similar to the rest of the house, there was very little left in the bedroom. I walked around it in much the same manner I did the very first time I had stepped foot in here, running my finger over imaginary albums and records before stepping over to peek at the empty bookcase that no longer held any titles.

The large sofa and an end table were the only two things that remained in the dilapidated space, but I felt a smile creep up just the same as I remembered our first day here.

"What?" I asked him, turning away from my examination of his music collection.

"I was prepared to feel… relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me… happy." He shrugged, smiling slightly.

"I'm glad," I said, smiling back. "You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?"

A faint smile touched his lips, and he nodded.

"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually,"

"You really shouldn't have said that," he chuckled.

I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled. But I still was gasping as I tried to right myself.

"You were saying?" he growled playfully.

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," I said, my sarcasm marred a bit by my breathless voice.

"Much better," he approved.

Gently pulling the sheet from the sofa, I sat down for a moment, running my hands over the cool leather while picturing us sitting here together the way we had that day. It wasn't the same, but it was nice to have something as proof of what we had shared, something tangible that was still in existence.

After recovering the black leather sofa, I took one last look around before deciding that it was time to leave this place. I had spent all night here and was beginning to feel I had stayed longer than I was welcome, especially since I hadn't been invited at all.

I exited through the back of the house, and turned to run, jumping over the river before taking off at full speed heading into the woods.

I knew the general way I was going, albeit I was heading in the opposite direction to get there than I was used to, but it didn't take long and soon I had picked up my own scent and began following myself to the meadow.

I had been coming here on and off for the last several days since returning to Forks Washington, but this time; this last time, I was going to say goodbye. I had completed my journey; I knew who I was and everything there ever was to know about myself. I was whole, I was complete, and I was happy. It was time for me to move on.

For the first time in over a year I allowed my shield to drop from around me, I had become so used to keeping it and at full strength all this time, I momentarily sagged with the release of my hold. I've never kept my strength up for such a long amount of time before, and was surprised that it had actually affected me, even for the few seconds it had while I acclimated myself to the relax. Very briefly and ever so slightly I likened the effect to feeling sore, as if the muscle were in fatigue after a long run. It didn't last however and soon I reminded myself where I was and what I was doing.

I looked around the circular space, taking in all its beauty before moving further in to stand near the middle of the meadow.

I had a lot of memories here; most of them unpleasant, but a few of them were good. After Edward had left, I remember coming here several times over the years, soon feeling as though it were my space rather than ours or his.

The meadow held a lot of significance for me, and although I was here to say goodbye for now, I knew it wouldn't be the last time I would ever visit this place. The afternoon sunlight was beaming down on me as I stood remembering some of the times I had spent here.

"Bella?" Laurent asked, looking more astonished than I felt.

"You remember."

He grinned. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Isn't it the other way around? I do live here. I thought you'd gone to Alaska."

"You're right," he agreed. "I did go to Alaska. Still, I didn't expect… When I found the

Cullen place empty, I thought they'd moved on."

"Oh. They did move on," I finally managed to tell him.

"Hmm," he murmured. "I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of

theirs?"

I smiled wryly. "Something like that."

I shook off the memory, knowing it would lead me to a dark place, but remembering at the same time that it had been the first of many that I would see Jacob in his wolf form, although I didn't know that at the time. I shuddered to think of what might have happened to me had the wolves not shown up when they did. Being a vampire myself, now gave me new perspective of all the possibilities that would have surely ended in my death that day.

With that thought I automatically brought my arm up to look at the scar that James had left with me. Over the years when I didn't have my memory, I had always wondered how it had gotten there without causing me to transition into this life. Now knowing what Edward had done to save me that day, I could once again look on it with the fascination that it used to hold for me.

Raising the scar up into the light, I twisted my wrist allowing it to catch and reflect the different rays of the sun, glimmering slightly off from the rest of my diamond skin in the sunlight, causing me to think about the first time I had seen this sort of reflection, here in this meadow.

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. Now and then, his lips would move, so fast it looked like they were trembling. But, when I asked, he told me he was singing to himself; it was too low for me to hear.

"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice.

"No more than usual."

He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

I inched closer, stretched out my whole hand to trace the contours of his forearm with my fingertips. I saw that my fingers trembled, and knew it wouldn't escape his notice.

"Do you mind?" I asked.

"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed.

I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun glitter on his palm. I held it closer to my face, trying to see the hidden facets in his skin.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered.

I hesitated. "I was wishing I could know what you were thinking…"

."And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur.

"That's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.

"I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should."

"Yes," he agreed slowly. "That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

I lowered my arm from my sight, feeling a heavy sense of loss at the understanding I now shared with him at what he had meant. I didn't agree, not completely, but at least now I understood.

I stayed for a while longer, absorbing the beauty and the memories as they presented themselves, I knew it was time to go and just as I had made the decision to leave, I heard someone approaching.

It was someone of my kind, that much I was sure, no one else in the world could move as lithely and quiet as could we. I was just about to run and move away from the meadow when a slight breeze picked up the scent and carried it to me, it was Edward.

"Bella..." He called out to me timidly.

I didn't answer him; I couldn't, but I turned just enough to get a glimpse of his face, I needed to see him to make sure he was real, to make sure I wasn't hallucinating his voice again.

"Please don't run." He pleaded with me as he began to slowly approach where I was standing.

"I'm not going to run Edward." I told him, smiling at the thought of him fearing that I would. If I hadn't wanted to be seen, I wouldn't have been, he should have figured this out by now.

I heard him exhale a deep breath after I turned around to face him fully, which only caused me to experience a twinge of guilt that I had worried him this last year.

He continued to move closer, still keeping a wary approach as he did so, "I've been looking for you." He said to me.

"I know." I told him simply.

"Why..." He retorted, not adding any other words to the single one that fell from his lips.

I knew what he meant, and I wanted to explain, I just didn't want to right at this moment. "I needed time, I needed to find myself." I told him, hoping that my vague explanation would be enough.

"And, now you've done that?"

Of course, I knew that something so benign wouldn't suffice when talking with him. He was too used to being privy to full explanations from people whether they wanted to give them or not. I smiled at the thought, knowing that I was probably driving him insane with my silent mind.

A look of worry briefly flashed across his features before he started to look around at the meadow before us. "This place..." he said, "it was special."

I recognized what he was doing as he looked back at me to gauge my reaction. He was stalling, still trying to keep me here even after I told him I wouldn't leave. I could tell he was searching my face for any indication that I wouldn't want to hear what he had to say regarding where we were. I hoped my face wasn't betraying anything either way.

I must not have shown anything to deter him as he continued, walking closer to me before passing me all together. I turned with him, watching as he took in the full view.

"You were the first and only person I'd ever brought here." He said, before turning back around to face me again.

"I know." I told him with another smile. I wondered how much he would tell me, or try to explain to me about this place, thinking that I still had no memory of my past or who I was.

I was surprised by his conclusion though, "You read that in the journals." He said to me, a trace of sadness in his voice.

I could have continued to allow him to think that, I could have waited to tell him that I remembered, but the look on his face was devastating, and my old desire of needing to make him feel better overwhelmed me into explaining, "No Edward, I remember." I told him hoping to comfort him.

"You remember?" He asked me skeptically, his voice higher with doubt than is should have been.

"Yes." I answered him unabashed, I wanted to ease him, I wanted him to know that I knew.

"What do you remember?" He asked me eagerly, his doubt immediately replaced by hope.

I wasn't sure how to answer his question. Were we still just talking about the meadow, or would I explain to him all that I could remember? It was all so overwhelming, being here with him, remembering..."Everything."

9/27/11