The ringing in her ears muffled the world around her. What kind of person was she? Nadine had believed she was kind and just but could she claim such a thing now? The kinder option would have been to put Sarah out of her misery in the first place. That is what she would have done before. Everything she now tried to pride herself on being had just crumpled down in to rubble.
She didn't even register the pain in her knees as she fell down next to the now still corpse, tears spilling down her cheeks in waves.
A hand being gently placed upon her shoulder broke her out of her reverie.
"I'm sorry." It was Rick who was attempting to comfort her. However, his words did not ease her grief.
"This is all my fault. Everything that's happened is my fault." She ranted growing more agitated. She rushed out of the room, pushing past Rick rather roughly. Nadine unholstered her gun and headed towards the front door, only to be stopped by Rick again.
"Hey, just take a minute." He tried his best to calm the distraught Nadine down but it proved fruitless.
"Let me go." She struggled relentlessly against his grasp but his iron grip wouldn't budge.
"I know how you're feeling, believe me I do but if I let you go out there then I know what road you're going to go down and trust me you don't want to do that." Rick began, his eyes full of sympathy. It was never easy losing someone but it hurt just that bit more when you put the blame on to yourself.
"You don't understand. It's my fault that she's dead." She was beginning to calm down albeit slowly. "It's my fault that they're all dead."
"They? Who's they?" He questioned as he led her towards the battered couch that took up the majority of the living room.
"I can't tell you." She sobbed quietly.
"Look, Nadine. No matter what you tell me I can guarantee that I've seen and done a hell of a lot worse." He reassured her the best he could. He led her to the couch, wincing slightly due to his injury, and sat next to her waiting for her to continue.
She felt as though she was having an out of body experience, none of this seemed real to her. She looked up in to Ricks pale blue eyes for what felt like the first time since she'd had to kill Sarah.
"It'll help to get it off of your chest even if that's the last thing you want to do." He told her, gently placing a hand on her knee.
She nodded in agreement, her eyes were puffy from crying and her face was blotchy and red. She figured that she looked like a complete mess but Rick hadn't said anything, he only handed her a stray cloth so that she could wipe away any remnants of tears.
"When everything went to shit I was all on my own. My parents had both been dead for years, I only had my brother. He was always this gruff, biker type. He had a criminal record as long as both of your arms." She started, her voice no longer strained and croaky from the distress she'd been in earlier.
"I had to find him, I just knew he'd be alive. All this chaos is what people like him thrive upon. I left Savannah before the situation there worsened and along the way I met a group of people. Most of them were women and children but a few of them had husbands. Eventually, they looked to me as their leader but it wasn't a responsibility that I wanted. I had my own goal in mind, I didn't care. I was selfish." Nadine sighed, reminiscing on those dark times always caused her chest to grow heavy.
"Despite not wanting to make connections with those people, I did grow close to Sarah and her father, Wyatt. He was an optimist through and through. He saw the best in someone like me." She looked down to her lap smiling at the memory before turning back to Rick with sad eyes. "And I got him killed."
"What happened?" Rick asked, speaking for the first time since she had started retelling him her story.
"I did find my brother but he wasn't the same man I had grown up with. He'd never been kind or loving but I didn't expect him to be so cold. He and his old biker gang were holed up at their old clubhouse. I figured it'd be a heart-warming reunion but it wasn't."
"They took the women and a few of the girls. They killed the youngest children like animals and tortured the men who tried to fight back. Wyatt, he had me promise to protect Sarah." Her voice cracked as new tears poured down her cheeks. "They burned him alive in front of her. I'll never forget that sickly smell of burning flesh and those screams. God those screams."
"That wasn't your fault, Nadine. You had no idea that those things were going to happen." Rick looked at her with sympathy again. She felt as though it was undeserved, she had the deaths of so many people hanging above her head. She often felt as though she was in fact the monster that lurked in this new world instead of the walkers.
"I did fight back but one woman against fifteen men wasn't exactly a fair fight. I got off lucky compared to the others, they threw me in a makeshift cell and I spent the better part of two months stuck there. A guard posted at all times, the same fucking guard." Nadine continued.
"There was a storm one night and I'd overheard some of the men talking about an incoming herd. I was tired of waiting, I had made a promise to protect Sarah and I was just sat there whilst she was subjected to so many unimaginable things. I had to try and do something." She sighed, the memories were bringing back emotions that had long since been suppressed.
"It wasn't exactly my finest moment but I had to do it. I seduced the guard into the cell before grabbing his gun and cracking him across the skull with it." Looking towards Rick she saw him raise a quizzical eyebrow as if he didn't believe that she would be capable of knocking out a fully grown man. "It took a few hits to knock him out I'll admit."
"The amount of walkers within the herd itself was insane. I mean I had seen groups of them before but there had to be nearly a hundred of them. Now that I think back on those days I can't believe that I was reckless enough to lure them in." It wasn't her best idea but at the time she had little choice, it was either risk it and die or stay in that dingy cell and die.
"The fuel tanks for their motorcycles were practically next to the front gates. Idiots." She scoffed, they were nothing but well-armed thugs with a small handful of brain cells between all fifteen of them.
"I blew them and that gate up. I'm sure you can imagine what happened." She confessed to Rick, the guilt was practically consuming her.
"They deserved it, Nadine. All of them." Rick assured her. He was a comfort to her, he had a kind face and that was something that was hard to come by nowadays. She was sceptical about fully trusting him considering they'd only just become acquainted but the worst case scenario was that they'd go there separate ways, never seeing each other again.
"Those innocent people didn't though. They were ripped apart by the walkers or burnt alive."
"That's the world we live in now." A voice interrupted the pair. Nadine turned her head to see Carl lingering in the doorway. "You survived. The best thing you can do for those people, for Sarah, is to just keep on surviving."
She was dumbfounded. Carl was older than his time but she supposed that he'd have to be mature in an unforgiving world like this one.
"I think it would help if I buried her." Nadine admitted solemnly. "I couldn't do it for the others but I can do it for her."
"We'll give her a proper buriel." Rick assured with a small smile. Although he'd be in no fit state to help dig a grave, Nadine appreciated the support.
As they made their way to the front door she stopped Rick suddenly, a gentle hand curling itself around his muscled bicep.
"I wanted to say thank you." She started only to be waved off by the man.
"There's no thanks necessary. I just hope it helped. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen."
"I still feel the guilt gnawing at me but having someone to vent to really did help." Nadine confessed to Rick. "Does it ever go away?"
He looked at her sadly, a forlorn look etching it's way upon his weathered face. She hadn't noticed before but she could see the scars that littered his face underneath the bruises and cuts. These two had been through hell and back.
"I'll let you know."
—
The three stood side by side overlooking the new grave, until she'd had the chance to truly look at the sight before her she hadn't realised just how frighteningly small it was. As Nadine laid an assortment of withering flowers beneath the crudely crafted cross the tears began to spill over from her eyes.
"I promised to protect you and your father but I failed. I wish I'd made a different choice, I wish I'd never took us there but now I have to live with the guilt forever. I promise to keep living and to learn from my mistakes. I hope you're at peace, wherever you are. Goodbye Sarah."
They stood in silence for a minute before the three of them made their way back in to the house.
She and Carl had to help Rick to the couch due to him over exerting himself. Once all of them were settled, Rick cleared his throat to gain their attention.
"Carl and I had a talk earlier.." He started, talking directly to Nadine. "You've been through unimaginable things but you still decided to help us, two strangers despite the risks that it could've carried."
"Anyone would have done the same."
"No they wouldn't have. You know what the people out there are like." The look on Ricks face turned serious as if he knew all to well the atrocities that humans could inflict upon others. "We want you to come with us when I'm fit to travel."
The announcement left Nadine in a shocked silence. She hadn't expected that, she figured they'd quickly move on once Rick was healed. The offer of companionship in a world as lonely as this one was a tempting offer but could she really take them up on it after only knowing them for such a short time.
"We've only just met. Are you sure?" She queried nervously. She still didn't know what had happened to them prior to meeting her and that thought was a terrifying one.
"I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't sure, Nadine."
"We want you to come." Carl spoke up for the first time since they'd begun having this conversation.
"Well then, in that case I accept." She beamed at them, the wide smile causing her cheeks to ache.
It was easy to lose yourself within the darkness of a world like this one, it was easy to find yourself alone in it too but now she did not have to worry about that. Now she had people to rely on and they had her to rely on in turn. Nadine hoped this meant a new beginning, that something good could come out of all this pain because if it didn't then she would surely lose herself.