CHAPTER SIX: SECOND CHANCES

She asked me to give her time. I really wanted it settled but I had to allow her to take the lead in this situation. I made one mistake after another and I couldn't afford any more. I decided to wait until late morning and go to the Long Branch and try to talk to her. That didn't work however as Doc joined me at breakfast and told me that he had been to see Kitty and she wasn't feeling well. She would not be seeing anyone that day.

I was very concerned if she was feeling so badly she wouldn't even come downstairs. Then I began to wonder if this was a ploy between the two of them to keep me away. I knew Doc loved Kitty like the daughter he never had. He would do anything to protect her from harm and he wasn't very happy with me at this time. I thought about going to the Long Branch and talking to Sam but that might not be such a good idea if she thought I was checking up on her. When Festus later mentioned that Kitty wasn't downstairs, I thought maybe she really was ill.

All that day I wandered around as a man in a daze. I would walk past the saloon and look in to see if maybe she had felt better and was working. That all came to nothing. When Festus and Newly and I were at supper two of the girls came in, Sharon and Nadine. They were with Captain Scott and Sergeant Smith. They stopped at our table and told us they were getting married and moving to San Francisco.

I mentioned they would be missed, and Miss Kitty would be sad to see them go. They told us they had told her and felt bad because she wasn't feeling well. They said Kitty wished them well and so did we. They were lucky to find such nice men to marry. I realized then it was probably my own guilty conscience making me wonder if Kitty was avoiding me. I couldn't wait for the next day hoping she would healthy enough to see me.

Sometimes you have to wonder if you should be careful what you wish for. When I went through the batwing doors the next day Sam informed me Miss Kitty was better and back in her office. I thanked him and headed toward the back room hoping things had cooled off. Boy was I in for a surprise.

I heard excited women's voices as I came to the door. As I started to knock the door opened and the girls rushed out. Kitty just looked at me and didn't say a word. That made me feel even more awkward. Finally, I began by saying Sam had said she was feeling better but there was no reaction, so I stumbled slightly as I told her we needed to talk. The look on her face told me I had said the wrong thing and she informed me in no uncertain terms that I had not been so eager to talk before. I tried to explain I didn't know how to start or what to say but I could almost feel the icy chill in her voice. She reminded me, I always knew what to say when I wanted something else.

Then she went on to inform me that as I had been gone so long with no word if I was alive or dead I could have at least have sent a telegram I was alive and on my way back to Dodge.

It was not going to go over well, under these circumstances. She was not going to buy that since I didn't know how to explain what had happened I did nothing. I knew she was right, but I had the feeling anything I said was not going to be a good enough excuse. So, I just stood there.

Sarcasm dripped from her words as she asked, "You couldn't have sent work to anyone? You didn't think someone might be concerned for your welfare? EvenI'm alive and on my way home even if you are a man of few words?"

It took a minute or so, but I soon realized that perhaps I hadn't started our little talk in the right way. I had spent the last couple days trying to figure out how to approach her and she was absolutely correct as a man who doesn't talk easily about emotions, I wanted to make this as easy as possible. I had a hard time looking at her because I should have at least let them know I was on my way home.

She told me that in no uncertain terms my behaviorit wasn't good enough. Any wordsThen she said exactly what I was thinking, I'm alive and on my way home. It would have alleviated all the worrying she was doing.

When I still said nothing it seemed to make her madder. She got up out of her chair and walked past me and pointedly asked if I had such trouble talking to Mike?

Then I really did the wrong thing when I brushed off that comment and tried to explain it was a different situation. I knew I was in deeper trouble when she said derisivelyacid, "I just bet it was." She headed for the saloon and then up the stairs. I followed to the stairway and halfway up she turned and told me, "don't follow me we have nothing to discuss Marshal!"

I lost my cool and yelled, "you are the most STUBBORN WOMAN!"

Then I could see her bright blue eyes flashing and her face was flushed as she yelled, "Maybe you should go back to Arizona then!" The poker players dropped their cards, Sam rattled glasses, and I knew if I answered I would be sorry for a long long time. There was dead silence behind me as I slammed the batwing doors against the door frame.

I am sure I was in an awful mood although I tried to act like everything was normal. I had not seen Festus and Newly much as they were avoiding me too. Doc had stopped in, but he would walk out shaking his head as I took my misery out on him. No one said a word about Kitty. I took long lonely rides on Buck and tried to figure out what should be my next move. Actually, in the end it was our good doctor who turned the tide. He came to the jail for a confrontation and said he couldn't stand both of us looking and acting so miserable. He told me he could tell I wasn't eating or sleeping well either. Then he said the words that showed what I needed to do next. He asked, "isn't it better to know how Kitty really feels than not to know?"

It was sure hard to admit he was right, but I couldn't keep being so miserable and forcing those who I cared about, to avoid me everywhere. I told him I wasn't sure she would talk to me now, but he reassured me by saying he thought she was also at the point where she wanted to clear the air.

I told him I didn't want to participate in another shouting match, and he informed me he knew all about that situation, in fact the whole town knew. He indicated Kitty was feeling as bad as I was so I agreed, reluctantly, but wanted to find a private place to talk. He informed me we could use his office. The Ronigers new baby was sick and it would be empty for quite a while so he would set it up with Kitty.

While I waited for Doc to leave town, I got cleaned up, I needed to make as good an impression as I could. It was about an hour later when Doc stopped by and said it was all set. I watched him and with a heavy heart headed for his office. This might be my last best chance to win her back.

The light was on and I walked slowly up the steps. I opened the door, and she sat there in the beautiful green silk I had admired, with her hair down. I loved running my hands through those long silken curls. All I seemed to be able to do was clear my throat at first and I guess she thought I expected her to talk first. She turned to face me and pulled out the angel's wings I had given her months before, and asked if I even had mine? I slowly pulled them out of my pocket.

"They were in my saddlebags and I slept with them every night on the way home," I confessed.

At least that made her smile slightly. She told me we needed to have an open honest discussion about this situation because if it wasn't it would come back to haunt us. I shouldn't have been surprised that our thoughts were the same, but I wasn't. Kitty and I had to face different trials and circumstances over the years, but nothing like this. Could we move past this indiscretion or was there no hope for us?

I wasn't not comfortable sharing deep emotions; it had always scared me. However, we either talked things out honestly or there was no hope for things to begin to heal. It was important to communicate how we were feeing, and what we wanted to help us move forward. I felt nauseous when she asked me if I had fallen in love with Mike. I was surprised Kitty would ask that right away.

I fiddled with my hat, looked at the floor. and finally sat down across from her. I crossed my leg so it rested on my knee and leaned forward. As I was thinking about what to say she watched me like a cat at a mouse hole. Finally, l told her, there was a physical need, I had affection for Mike, I was so grateful she had saved my life. She, and she accepted me even not knowing who I was, but no, I was not in love with her.

Kitty gave a deep sigh of relief and indicated that made her feel relieved. There seemed to actually be a sparkle back in her eyes and a smile playing at the corners of her lips.

"Mike didn't give me a chance to explain when I said I had to go back to Dodge.. She just told me to get out when I said I had 20 years of my life thereto go back to Dodge." I paused and looked intently at Kitty and then I reminded her we had both had bad relationships in our past that seemed like love that didn't last. I also smiled at the memory when I added that although our relationship had been mainly lust- in the beginning it had grown deeper and deeper over the years.

I made her admit that we had broken down walls for each other that no one else wanted to do. Things which would allow us to be vulnerable. She knew that was true because she had told me that no one else knew as much about her life as I did. I had done the same. We were two people who had little trust in relationships when we met.

She asked me the question that had been plaguing me for days, why hadn't I told her the truth when I first came home. I admitted I had worried all the way home that I had betrayed her. I was afraid if I didn't have the right answers for any questions she might have for me, that she wouldn't believe my story. So instead I blundered my way through everything and did exactly what I hoped to avoid.

My redhead looked confused and I was afraid I had already lost her. As a last resort I begged her to let me tell my story and it might help her to understand why I was so confused. I remembered Doc telling it me it was better to know what would happen than to never know. At least then we could make an intelligent decision about our relationship.