CHAPTER SEVEN: CONFESSIONS OF THE SOUL
So, this ends Matt's Point of View about his amnesia, subsequent relationship with another woman, and his relationship with Kitty. Next you will get to read, in this same story, my version of what Kitty was feeling during this perilous time in her relationship with the marshal.
I had to take this chance to describe what I went through and how I felt having amnesia. Luckily, she was willing to listen and told me to explain. I wanted to take her in my arms, but I was afraid to touch her at this point. I just looked at her and began to tell of my long arduous journey.
"It took me into Arizona territory, and it was there the man I was trailing shot and then beat me. I awakened, in a strange house with an unknown woman. She had removed the bullet and treated my wounds. Then she asked for my name and where I was from. I had that awful feeling of not having an answer, my mind was blank," I told Kitty, "I thought and thought but there was nothing, no memory. She decided to call me Dan, and said her name was Mike."
"She was a widow and did most of the work herself on her ranch. When I was better I started to help out and we fell into a routine. After all I had no past and no future, but it was just a holding pattern with the hope of my memory returning. Finally, after several weeks she asked what my plans were, and I had none. What would I do, where would I go? She offered me a place to be and like a man in a mist I accepted."
"I had begun to feel more comfortable and since I really couldn't plan ahead. I told her I would stay there. That was the night we slept together. It was the next day the man I had been following showed up at the ranch. I didn't recognize him. It turned out a man who wanted Mike's property had sent him to kill her. He had decided not to do it and told her he was the man who shot me and gave her my real name."
"Once she revealed that information my memory came rushing back and I knew I had to return to Dodge. I told her 20 years of my life was there. I told her I was going to see the man who wanted her dead and I would come back to talk to her, but she threw me out. I had to make sure she would be safe after all she had done for me. The last time I saw her, she was riding away. I headed back to Dodge. Every mile closer I came to home the more I wondered how I could make everyone, but most of all you, understand what had happened."
Then I told Kitty how I stopped at Boot Hill to think but knew how I couldn't stay there forever. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling I had cheated on her. I did admit that I had talked to Doc about it, after I talked in my sleep. He had advised it was best to tell you immediately "I was still afraid, foolishly, of how you would react and if I could be sure you would truly believe I had amnesia," I said hoping she would understand.
I sincerely hoped my story sounded logical and I was baring my soul. It was not something I was typically comfortable doing but this, our life together, was worth whatever I had to do to repair things. This wonderful woman never said she doubted I had amnesia which was a relief. She did make it clear how important it was that she be honest with me and that I understand how this situation made her feel. When she hesitated, I asked if she had any questions?
She told me maybe, but she needed to make me understand why she was so upset. She admitted how she had heard about Mike Yarder. "Matt, it is so important that you understand how crushed and betrayed I felt. Then she was afraid that I hadn't said anything because I had fallen in love with that woman. That I was going back to Arizona or bringing her to Dodge.
I looked at her and said, "I didn't even know who I was how could I know what my feelings were? I knew I could do physical work but everything else was a blank. How could I make any plans when I didn't know where to go and it was safe at Mike's?"
That was another point she wanted me to understand. Kitty was jealous of the homelife I had with Mike and that we had never been able to have. This is what she had dreamed of for us in the future when I took off the badge. She asked if I thought about having a family with Mike? Was she just a convenience because she lived here in Dodge? Did I really understand she had put aside her dreams of a future for us so many times?
She emphasized that old resentments had come creeping into her thoughts. I had with this woman what she had hoped for us and I seemed to like it,and I was willing to stay. Kitty told me she was afraid that even if I was back in Dodge with her my thoughts might go back to what have might have been with Mike Yarder.
Her voice was choked as she said to me, "I have never given as much of myself to anyone as I have given to you. Dan didn't seem like the Matthew Dillon I knew and loved."
I tried to speak but she stopped me. She went on, "Matt when I heard that soldier talk about Mike how he wished he could be nursed by her and how attractive she was I was shattered to little pieces. I thought nothing could put me back together again."
She went on, "What if she decides to come here? What then?"
It took me a few minutes to answer and I could tell she was getting nervous as she bit her lip. I finally said, "Kitty we didn't fall in love immediately. Why would I fall in love with another woman so quickly?"
"But you had amnesia, you didn't know anything about yourself. I need to know if you are harboring any feelings you don't realize you have for this woman? Do you feel you need to see Mike again?"
Then I explained that I did know about physical need. I don't know if such basic feelings stay the same under such circumstances. I just know how I felt at that time. "I felt gratitude, of acceptance, and what seemed like , at the time, a lifeline."
At this point she didn't seem to know what to tell me, so I waited afraid to breathe. I was feeling miserable and just had to ask her, "can you ever forgive me? Do you think you can trust me again?"
Before she could say anything, I pulled her into my arms, she felt so good. We held each other tightly. I ran my hands up and down her back massaging away the tension. I held on to her like I was afraid she would get away. Finally, I pushed her away slightly and looked into those amazing blue eyes looking into mine and I smiled slightly.
When I finally spoke there was a catch in my voice, and with such sincerity I said, "I love you Kitty Russell. You were my first thought when I got my memory back and all during my trip home. Fear of what you would think, was uppermost in my mind. I made a stupid mistake, but you were what mattered most."
"I was so worried that you wouldn't still love me and trust me ever again," I said softly. "As I told you I made a terrible mistake, but I didn't want to lose you, but that may be just what is going to happen."
She cried out, "oh Matt what am I going to do with you?"
"Please Kitty," I began and knew I was almost pleading, "forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but give US another chance."
I knew I wasn't the type who said flowery things and couldn't express all the things women like to hear, but I did know one thing; I loved this passionate loving woman. She was my life and my light. Our life had not been easy, and I had warned her at the beginning, but she didn't give up on me. Little by little the bricks I had put around my heart crumbled, and Kitty Russell had my heart and my soul.
I knew this wasn't the time to try to get her into the bedroom. We just continued to hold onto each other not wanting to let go. Eventually after kissing her hair and kissing her lightly I put my arm around her and said, "let's go home." She leaned her head against my heart and said there was no other place she would want to be. My long journey was over, and I knew just where I wanted to be forever.
As we walked up the back steps of the Long Branch I slipped my arm around her and suggested, "I have that trial to testify at but after it is over I think we should go away together. Where would you like to go?"
"Anywhere but Arizona," she said definitely. I couldn't have agreed more.
TBC