CHAPTER ELEVEN: Second Chances

THANKS everyone for all the great reviews. I truly appreciate them. To the reviewer who was confused about when Kitty knew about Matt's amnesia in the first chapter of Kitty's POV the second paragraph she says she knows Matt, told Doc he had amnesia. I assumed that the reader, perhaps mistakenly, would understand Doc told her.

The sound of knocking seemed to be coming from a long way off. I lifted my head and I thought it would explode. It was pounding, I could barely see out of my eyes, and had no idea what time I fell asleep. I remember calling out weakly it was open and prayed it was not Matt. I had never before in my life been so glad to see Doc. His first words were, "you look awful honey."

He asked what time I got to sleep. Then he went to the water closet and came back with a cold cloth. Placing it over my eyes he guessed things did not go so well with Matt. He seemed upset when I let him know he guessed right. The problem was could he be upset because things were unsettled or because I looked so bad? The doctor who could be cranky told me I was taking the day off and resting. I didn't agree until I went to the looking glass and my face looked ravaged and my hair was a mess of snarls. Then I started to cry again.

Doc came over and took me in his arms and let me cry on his shoulder. He patted my back and tried to calm me down. "I think I have lost him," I said between sobs. The physician told me not to give up. I wanted to believe he was right.

Unfortunately, the day did not get better. Sam brought me hot water and the bath helped but it took forever to look halfway presentable. Then my two most popular girls came to see me and tell me they would be leaving soon. Their soldiers, Captain Scott and Sgt. Smith, were being transferred to the Presidio in San Francisco and wanted to take the girls there as their wives. I was very disappointed but happy for Nadine and Sharon. By this time, I was exhausted again and decided to just go lie down and rest my eyes.

It was late afternoon when I awoke, and Doc was standing by my bed. When he checked my face he went to the water closet and came back with another cold cloth which he again placed across my face. He actually said, "you still look like hell."

That didn't even make me smile. I tried to get up and he pushed me back down. He told me calling me, 'young lady' that if I wasn't better I was taking the next day off too. I knew he was right my emotions were too close to the surface and if I saw Matt, I wasn't sure how I would react.

I dozed on and off all day and Doc came back again in the late evening. He said I did look better, but I needed a good meal. Then he left a sleeping draught for a good night's sleep. Sam brought up chicken, mashed potatoes, speckledy gravy, and biscuits and told me the good doctor told him to make sure I ate everything. I didn't think I had any appetite, but it smelled so good I ate everything. Feeling much better I thought I could go downstairs for a little while. Then when I sat down to fix my hair and saw my face I decided staying right there was the best plan.

Doc's draught made all the difference and when I awoke the next day my face looked almost normal and the evidence of crying was all gone. It took over an hour to get my hair in order and then I decided not to wear all my petticoats and crinolines and put on my green cotton dress with the white roses. Then I went downstairs and chatted with Sam who had coffee all ready. After he caught me up on the news, I needed to get some office work done.

The first hour went fine and I caught up on some paperwork. Nadine and Sharon came in all excited and wanted to know if they could have their reception here at the Long Branch. Of course, I said yes but told them I would sure miss them. I didn't tell them as saloon girls they were lucky to find such nice men. As they were leaving the Marshal walked in the door.

I was so startled I didn't know what to say, but he spoke up before I did telling me Sam told him I was feeling better and was in the office. He went on to inform me we needed to talk. He was all business and that irritated me for some reason. After just looking at hm for a moment I said he hadn't seemed so anxious to talk before.

He said, "Kitty I wasn't sure what to say or how start the conversation."

"You always know what to say or should I say what to do when you want something else," I accused.

It took a minute or so but he soon realized that perhaps he hadn't started our little talk in the right way. I imagine he had spent the last couple days trying to figure out how to approach me and as a man who doesn't talk easily about emotions he wanted to make this as easy as possible.

Maybe I should have been more considerate, but I was tired of half explanations and excuses. "You know you were gone so long you might have stopped and sent a telegram letting us know you were alright."

He dropped his head and wouldn't look at me and mumbled he didn't know how to explain. I told him it wasn't good enough. Didn't he think a telegram saying I'm alive and on my way home would have alleviated all the worrying I was doing?

Of course, he said nothing, and it made me madder. I got up out of my chair and walked past him as I asked if he had such trouble talking to Mike?"

He told me that was a different situation and I told him, "I just bet it was." He followed me to the stairway and halfway up I turned and told him, "don't follow me we have nothing to discuss Marshal!"

He lost his cool and yelled, "you are the most STUBBORN WOMAN!"

"Maybe you should go back to Arizona then!" I regretted those words the minute they flew out of my mouth. There was dead silence and I heard the batwing doors slam against the door frame. Tears were choking my throat as the love of my life walked away. When I didn't see him for a week, I was so afraid maybe I had driven him back into the arms of another woman.

I was in a terrible mood although I tried to pretend everything was alright. I had not seen Festus and Newly only Doc had stopped in, but he wasn't staying long. No one was talking about the lawman, so I didn't know if he was in town or not. Not surprisingly it was our good doctor who turned the tide. He came to my room for a confrontation. He told me he could tell I wasn't eating or sleeping well. Then he said the words that defined my next move. He said, "isn't it better to know how Matt feels than not to know?"

It was hard to admit he was right, but I couldn't go on eating my heart out. I told him I wasn't sure Matt was in town or would talk to me now. He assured me he was in Dodge. He added that Festus and Newly were trying to avoid him because he was so upset no one wanted to be around him. "He looks worse than you do."

"What if he doesn't want to see me?" I asked. Doc reassured me he would, that Matt was in much pain as I was. He said to let him take care of it. I agreed reluctantly but we needed to do it away from everyone else. He suggested his office. He would talk to Matt and then he had to go to the Ronigers the new baby was sick. We agreed I would go up there when I heard him leaving town.

I went upstairs and changed my clothes to my green silk which he had admired a number of times. I need all the weapons I could use. I left my hair down for a change. An hour later I heard Sam call to me that Doc was leaving town. I knew then he was as worried as everyone else about my relationship with Matt. Nervously I made my way to the physician's office and had to sit down before my shaking knees gave in and I fell. A few minutes later I heard his heavy tread coming up step by ominous step.

The door opened but all he did was clear his throat at first. I guess he expected me to talk first. I turned to face him and pulled out the angel's wings he had given me months before, and asked if he even had his? He slowly pulled them out of his pocket.

"They were in my saddlebags and I slept with them each night," he confessed.

It made me feel happy, but I couldn't give in and throw myself into his arms. We needed to have an open honest discussion about this situation. If the air was not cleared it would come back to haunt us. That is what I told him too. We had been through other situations but nothing like this. This could turn out to be the ultimate betrayal and nothing would ever be the same.

I could tell by the look on his face he was not comfortable with the circumstances, but we could only go forward not back. It was important to share our doubts and fears. Inside my stomach was doing flips as I asked him if he had fallen in love with Mike. He looked surprised I would go to that subject right away.

He fiddled with his hat and finally sat down across from me. He put his ankle on his knee and leaned forward. He was thinking about what to say. Finally, he told me he was very grateful to her, there was also physical need, he had affection for her, but he was not in love with her.

That made me feel grateful, yet I needed to know if he explained to her about being in another relationship after regaining his memory?

He explained that she hadn't given him a chance she told him to just get out when he said he had to go back to Dodge. He went on to say we had both had bad relationships in our past that seemed like love that didn't last. That our relationship had been mainly lust in the beginning, but it grew deeper and deeper over the years.

Matt made me admit that we had broken down walls for each other that no one else wanted to do or didn't want to do the work it would take to allow us to be vulnerable. I knew that was true I had told him almost everything about my life and he had done the same. We had been two people who had little trust in anyone when we met

I needed to ask him why he didn't just tell me the truth when he first came home? He told me he had worried all the way home that he had betrayed me. He was afraid if he didn't have answers for me, I would not believe his story. So instead he blundered his way through everything and did exactly what he hoped to avoid.

Thoughts were whirling through my head and I wasn't sure what he could say that would make a difference at this time. Then Matt asked if he could tell me his story and that might help me to understand why he was confused. I remembered Doc telling it me it was better to know what happened than to never know. At least that way I could make an intelligent decision about our relationship.