Chapter 11

"I had a great childhood growing up," Eren begins, "My parents were amazing, and I never wanted for anything, I was their special boy and they loved me so much. Anybody could look into my life from the outside and think it was perfect, that I was spoiled even, and I guess I was in many ways. And then when Mikasa was adopted, they just seemed to love us both even more if it was possible, we were both their pride and joy."

Levi nurses his glass of wine as he listens intently to Eren speak. Eren alternates between looking into his own glass, at his crossed legs or directly at Levi, rolling the glass between his hands anxiously the whole time.

"But as I reached my mid-teens, everything changed in my head. Regardless of how much love they gave me, or all of the things they bought me or how highly they spoke of me, I never felt like I deserved it. Because I could never be the perfect child they wanted. I wouldn't go into medicine like my dad had hoped, I wouldn't get married to a gorgeous woman or have their beautiful grandchildren, at least not biologically. Because I was 16 years old, gay and absolutely terrified.

I had always noticed the good-looking boys in school, I noticed the pretty girls too, but it wasn't until I was maybe about 14 or 15 that I realised I wasn't looking at the girls in the way I should have been. My hormones were all over the place and my teenage body was always in over-drive, as anybody in puberty is, but my head wasn't filled with soft skin, large breasts and curved hips. Instead my fantasies consisted of strong arms, washboard abs, chapped lips and hard dicks. It both excited me and frightened me.

I thought I wasn't normal, that there was something wrong with me, so I dealt with it in the only way I knew how. I buried it as deep as I could and tried to make myself forget. Clearly that turned out spectacularly." Eren chuckles and Levi softens, crossing a leg over the other and leaning back in his seat.

"As you can imagine, over time it got harder and harder to hide my feelings. My art wasn't providing me with the outlet I needed anymore. I got so frustrated by it all and I was so mad at myself. I was always angry that I couldn't just be like all of the other boys, chasing after the cheerleaders and wolf whistling at any pretty girl I saw, but the lust I thought I should have just wasn't there. I had crushes on half the football and basketball team, the shy boys in my classes, the artsy types that didn't like to socialise, even some of my guy teachers. They all made mental appearances in my bed late at night when I was all alone…but you probably don't want to hear about all that." Eren says blushing scarlet.

"Just tell me what you want to tell me. Help me to understand." Levi urges, sipping on his wine.

"I never did act on any of my urges, and eventually all of my pent-up frustration and anger at myself just began to boil over into my social life. I joined a gang to try and make myself look tough and I became friends with Historia, soon we pretended to date because she knew exactly what I was going through. I started using my fists instead of my head more often than not and got into a lot of trouble. I hurt lot of other kids bad and got knocked on my ass more times than I can even begin to count. I even punched my math teacher that I really liked because he touched my knee after class one day. He'd only been trying to help, my grades had been slipping badly and he was pushing for me to talk about what was going on. I guess I must have looked pretty pathetic. That was the first time I got suspended from school.

My parents were mad, of course, but more than that they wanted to get to the bottom of why I did it. They had seen my temper get worse and worse over time, and they couldn't get why such a happy child with a tonne of friends and a lovely girlfriend all of a sudden became so violent and angry at the world. They offered up all their help and support, even suggested that they could pay for a therapist to help me with how I was feeling. That just made me feel terrible. I was becoming a horror and they still just wanted to help me. I felt like a fraud and couldn't bear to be in the house anymore. I couldn't bear to see their hurt any longer." Eren reminisces, looking forlorn and regretful. Levi just listens, resisting the urge to pat the boy on the back or squeeze his shoulder in reassurance.

"I spent the majority of my time away from home after that. The gang I'd joined were notorious troublemakers and petty criminals at the time. I was the youngest at the time and the eldest was 19 going on 20, he was our leader of sorts. He was also Historia's brother, so he knew me quite well with the amount of time I'd spend at their house just to hang out. I was tall for my age, so I didn't look too out of place. My height gave me an edge when it came to fights and I was fast, so it was easy to steal things and get out quickly. I gained their respect quickly, they trusted me and soon they gave me the responsibility of selling marijuana near local clubs."

"It was one night while I was out scouring the town for places to 'set up shop' that I came across Maria's bar. I had never been in a gay bar before never mind seen one, but I saw couples walking in together, guys and girls, hand in hand without a care in the world. I couldn't help myself, I had to see inside for myself. Back then security wasn't as strict as it should have probably been, so I managed to get in no problem. There was a drag act on stage at the time, the club was full of same-sex couples kissing and dancing together, touching and looking so happy. The feeling I got taking everything in was electric. I was hooked. Unfortunately, Maria found me about an hour in to the night and kicked me out." Eren laughs softly, and Levi remembers Marco telling him the exact same thing on their first meeting.

"But you kept coming back?" Levi asks amused, his lips quirking up at the corner. Eren chuckles.

"Yes, I kept coming back. And kept getting kicked out until Maria got tired of it and told me I could stay. She could have called the cops at any time to take me home, but I kept taking the chance and she never did it. The condition was that I had to be kept under the watchful eye of Jean. Fucking horseface. He's my friend but I could have killed him back then, he wasn't any happier about the situation than I was, and he let me know it. He kept making remarks that Maria could adopt a puppy if she was so insistent on taking in strays and he nicknamed me the 'suicidal bastard.'

Maria's became a second home to me in no time and that soon included Jean and Marco's apartment too. They lived on the outskirts of town and if they had a day off, I would go to them after I'd finished stealing or selling for the night. They didn't ask questions, they learned not to after the first few times they tried, and we became so close. They're like brothers to me now, they were there when times were really hard. All of my school friends eventually met them too and we all became the best of friends. Those are some of my best memories." Eren's whole demeanour shifts as he takes a deep breath before speaking again.

"After a few months of selling, I got caught and arrested. Someone had told the cops about a kid that was dealing weed at night to club-goers and I fit the description pretty perfectly, they were just waiting for me to show up. I had gotten on my knees and begged for them to believe that I was innocent and that the drugs in my satchel were planted there. They weren't falling for it but after a quick look at my record and which family I was from, they were more inclined to believe me. Despite being in a gang, I had managed to stay out of trouble with the law pretty damn well. Dad showed up not long after and persuaded the officers to let me off with a warning, that I was a good kid and there was no way I could be a drug dealer. They let me go a couple hours later with a caution that'd be wiped from my record when I turned 18.

I was banned from leaving the house after school for further notice, but I still snuck out every night, despite Mikasa begging me to stay and telling our parents when I left. The guys were so impressed that I managed to avoid juvie for my dealing that they trusted me with something even bigger. Selling cocaine. And that's where my problems really started." Eren looks at Levi before downing the rest of his wine and pouring another full glass. Levi simply waits and holds his glass out for a refill.

"I started to find it really difficult balancing my school work with my dealing and going to the club at night. I fell behind tremendously with my grades, which was nothing too new but this time even my art and design work was failing. Art was my passion and I couldn't bear to let it get even worse, I had to get my head straight and it had to be a quick recovery for me to pass my year. But I was so tired, I could barely keep myself awake at night and I had no inspiration. It was falling apart in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do. Until I had an idea.

I came to an agreement with the leader which would allow me to keep a portion of my product for a price. The price being that I would join them for raids. The gang was becoming braver and began breaking into known rich people's houses while they were on vacation and even mugging people in the streets if it looked like they were wearing expensive clothing. It's not what I wanted to do, and I knew it wasn't right, but I saw myself with no option if I wanted to pick up the pace with my schoolwork.

I started snorting cocaine every few nights to keep myself awake at night and to allow me to focus on my art, and it worked for a while, until it wasn't enough anymore. I began using once every night, then once at night and once during the day, and then twice, and then I started losing count of how many lines I needed to allow myself to get through the day. It got to the stage that I didn't even care about art anymore, I just couldn't stop using, and I didn't want to either." Eren doesn't look at Levi when he speaks anymore, just looks at his hands wrapped around his glass, tapping absentmindedly at it.

"It stayed this way for a couple months; Mom and Dad didn't know why I was walking around looking like a zombie and half dead to the world constantly. I wasn't getting into as much trouble at school because I could actually keep up a decent social life with the coke, my friends just had to ignore that I didn't look like myself those days. But I was running out of my personal stash quicker and quicker each time I restocked. I was desperate for more and had to pay for it if I wanted extra, the guys would know otherwise, so I needed money. I started mugging poor old ladies in the street, I held young mothers at knifepoint for their grocery money and snuck out late at night to break into people's homes. One night I was going out and Mikasa tried to stop me, so I smacked her across the face with my keys. She still has a scar on her face to this day. I was the worst kind of scum."

"Drugs turn people into the worst possible versions of themselves. I've seen it happen. It's not the person's fault, they have an addiction and they can't just pull themselves together over night. They do things that they'd never consider themselves capable of, and they become unrecognisable even to themselves. Don't be so hard on yourself kid, you're not the first young person to go off the rails and you certainly won't be the last." Levi says, trying to provide Eren with some form of verbal comfort, considering his broken expression.

Eren nods solemnly, "I won't lie to you, I did consider selling my virginity for money, but in the end that was a line I just refused to cross. I didn't fully realise how bad my problem had gotten until one night I went on a raid with the guys, there were about 5 of us. I'd been on raids before but nothing like this one. I…. I had my eyes opened that night. People died Levi, people who shouldn't even have been there… and I couldn't stop it… there was nothing I could do …. her eyes … she was so cold…. the blood…there was just so much of it…. it stains my skin, even now …. I'm so sorry…. I can't talk about this anymore." He says through fast falling tears and hiccups. Levi immediately wraps an arm around the sobbing boy and hands him a tissue from his cardigan pocket. Eren blows his knows, wipes his eyes and leans into Levi's touch.

"Listen to me kid, I don't need the details and you might now believe me, but I know gang life pretty well. It was a different time for me, but things don't change when it comes to shit like that. I was in a gang growing up, I know the kind of shit that happens, and it changes you. But it's how it changes you that really counts, you've come out the other end completely intact. Remember that, kid."

"I don't tell anybody about that night. Only a handful of people actually know what really happened and I plan on keeping it that way. But I just want you to know that I got my shit together after the raid, I left the gang, not that I had much of a choice really, and vowed to quit drugs entirely. I came out to my parents and do you know what they said? They said that they already knew, that they had always known, and they were just waiting for me to pluck up the courage to tell them. I spent so much of my life trying to desperately hide something they were already aware of. And on top of everything else, Mikasa was dating Annie and they had already known and accepted them as a couple. I was so caught up with everything that I hadn't even realised my sister was into girls and out to our family.

Telling my parents about the drugs was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and the worst part was that they blamed themselves for it. They thought that if they had just come to me and told me that they knew I was gay, none of it would have happened. But how could they have known? They thought I was just being a difficult teen. There was no way for them to know the extent of what was going wrong when even I didn't know. I told them how I was desperate to quit and within the week they had me accepted as a resident in one of the best rehabilitation centres in the country."

Eren looks up at Levi with a sad smile and Levi removes his arm, settling back in his original spot on the sofa as Eren wipes away his remaining tears.

"Rehab was tough, it was a difficult 10 months and I constantly wanted to go home, but I did it. The night of the raid was always on my mind, so that helped get me through the worst of it. And when I came home, I went to community college so I could stay close to Mom, Dad and Mikasa, I did a beauty course with Historia that lasted about a year. Being in rehab gave me time to think a lot about what I wanted out of life, and I had my family and friends to help me, my real friends. Marco put me in drag for the first time at a party as a joke, but I immediately fell in love. Rogue gave me a brand-new lease of life and I've never looked back since. I started performing at the club every now and then until I was offered a permanent spot, and when Historia opened up her own Salon, she gave me a job with no questions asked, and now here I am. 3 and a half years cocaine free." Eren says proudly.

Levi can't help but feel proud also, he didn't know Eren back then, but the sense of achievement he must have felt when he managed to change his life must have been immense. But despite feeling happy for the kid, there's still something niggling at the back of his head.

"While I'm happy for you for managing to get your shit together, you still haven't explained why you were arrested for prostitution, brat." Levi remarks with a questioning glance.

Eren rolls his eyes and huffs, "Crap, I was hoping you'd forgotten about that…"

"Not a chance kid, spill." Levi says.

"Okay, but before I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh at me. Everybody laughs at me." Eren says, looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Why would I laugh at you? It's not exactly a laughing matter."

"Ugh, fine. So, I told you that I went to college with Historia right?" Eren asks.

"Right?"

"Well, she and Ymir were dating steadily at this point and living in an apartment nearby. Historia still didn't want her parents to know that she was gay, so they used a cover story of them being roommates, so I wasn't needed as the boyfriend stand-in anymore." Eren explains.

"Where is this going brat? Is there a point?" Levi questions, impatiently.

"I'm getting to it, jeez!" Eren grumbles, "Anyway, by this point they had been dating since they were 15, so they had only ever been with each other and never once questioned their love. However, 3 years is an awful long time for a pair of 18 years olds to date with no real experience outside what they were used to. So, to put it bluntly, they wanted to experiment with a man. A man that they trusted no less, with no real threat to their relationship.…"

It takes Levi a few seconds before he makes the connection.

"Oh…. I see. So, you and them…." Levi stutters a little before Eren steps in.

"Not in the way you're thinking no, I was still certain I was gay but I was still a teenager with my own curiosities. We planned it all in advance, and we agreed that there would be no penetration, and I wasn't too certain I could umm…. perform on the evening anyway, so we just said we would see where it took us naturally.

I used my mouth and fingers on both of them, pleasured them for hours if I remember correctly. It was an exhilarating experience, knowing I could take them apart so easily, and the control it gave me made me power hungry. It wasn't sexually arousing to me in the slightest and I didn't get off until I was alone later that night, but I found out that evening that I love eating girls out." Eren cackles as he notes Levi's grimace at the term.

"Dude, you work at a gay bar, you're gonna need to have a thicker skin than that. I'm pretty tame compared to other queens."

"Shut up brat, anyway, go on." Levi says, huffing into his wine.

"Well, we decided to make it a more regular arrangement. Friends with benefits if you like, although my benefits weren't of the sexual nature. Instead they offered to make me dinner or Historia would tutor me on coursework for free or they'd pay for some things that I wanted for starting out as Rogue. I felt like it was a pretty good deal. I was sometimes in drag, sometimes not…. we tried a lot together, even if my involvement was totally to make them feel good, looking back I'm glad I got to be a part of it." Eren says, looking nostalgic.

"It ended after a little while, I wasn't part of their relationship and soon there wasn't a need for me anymore. And that was okay. But somehow word got out about the arrangement we had, and soon I had a couple girls propositioning me for something similar. They were single college girls and knew that I was gay, so were just looking to relieve some stress and blow off some steam. I enjoyed doing it for Historia and Ymir immensely, so I agreed. There were four girls I saw altogether, although it changed to three after one got into a relationship."

"Okay, so you…. fooled around with bunch of girls at college? How has that got anything to do with you being arrested?" Levi asks confused.

"Well…basically, one of our lecturers overheard Anka, one of the girls I was seeing, ask about me coming over that night and he heard her offer to help me pay for a pair of shoes I really wanted for Rogue that were too expensive for me to afford alone. I told her it was too much, but she insisted that my time was well worth it. He went straight to the faculty head, who called me to his office and told me he was treating the incident as a form of prostitution, because if the roles had been reversed and I had been a girl with a bunch of guys, that's exactly how it would have been viewed. The police were then called and I was arrested on suspicion of prostitution.

My dad came to the station, again, and I told him all about what had been happening…. and he laughed at me. The situation was too ridiculous for him to take seriously but he had to compose himself before talking to the officers about my charges. They weren't willing to budge, but to my surprise, Historia turned up with another of the girls I had an arrangement with. She explained how she was a lesbian and that she was experimenting with me, she felt bad that she couldn't go through with us having sex that she bought me a present to say sorry. The other girl backed the story up and said that me and her were dating, and that the stuff she bought me were gifts as a girlfriend to a boyfriend. There wasn't enough evidence to state otherwise, so my charges were dropped, and it was agreed that the incident would remain as a sealed file off my record. That's all." Eren finishes, looking down at his lap before peeking at Levi's face. His expression is unreadable.

"So, you mean to tell me brat that you, a gay man, got arrested for having unreciprocated oral sex with a bunch of lesbians and lonely girls in exchange for non-sexual favours?" Levi asks in disbelief.

"As ridiculous as it sounds…. yeah." Eren replies. Levi is silent for about half a minute before he bursts into fits of laughter. Eren scowls as Levi grabs his sides for support.

"That is literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard. God, you're such an idiot." Levi continues laughing and Eren huffs for a total of 2 seconds before he starts laughing too. They have to put down their wine glasses in fear of spilling it everywhere.

"Okay, I have to ask, who was the other girl that vouched for you? I get why Historia was there, but the other girl didn't have to be. It could have ruined her whole reputation if that shit got out." Levi asks.

"It was Sasha." Eren laughs, "We actually became really good friends while we were involved. She would tell me about all of the boys she liked and I would give her my own opinion on them, and she would cook for me too. She was doing a culinary course at college, she's a real foodie, which is how she ended up getting hired by Marco when I introduced them. She met Connie through me too, and they've been married for about 2 years and have a kid."

"Wow, are there any of your female friends that you haven't actually been involved with then?" Levi jokes.

"Shut up! It was just those three!" Eren says as he slaps Levi playfully on the shoulder, "Also, you should have trusted me when I told you that I was a virgin! How can someone be a prostitute and a virgin at the same time?"

"I don't know genius, you tell me as you seem to have managed it." Levi chuckles softly.

Eren barks a laugh and lifts his wine glass once again for a further refill, filling up Levi's near empty glass in the process.

"Now, we've talked about me for quite some time tonight. What about you then?" Eren asks, taking a sip from his glass.

"What about me?" Levi asks in reply, feeling a tiny tingle of playfulness from his third glass of wine.

"Tell me something about you, I want to know your story. Or a chapter of it at least."

"Tch, I wouldn't know where to start brat, I'm old."

"Why don't you tell me why you got so mad last week? You were joking around with me just fine the whole day and then you snapped. What happened Levi?" Eren prompts.

"That's not a good story, you wouldn't want to hear it." Levi answers, looking sadly at Eren.

"Levi, I've just spend the last god knows how long talking to you about the lowest points in my life, I promise there's nothing you could tell me that I wouldn't' want to hear about." Eren assures him, placing a hand on Levi's arm.

"Be careful what you wish for, brat." Levi says, before taking a large gulp of wine, "If you must know, when Rogue was trying on clothes in front of the mirror, it reminded me of my little sister when she was trying on the dress for her rehearsal dinner."

"Okay, well let's expand on that." Eren says, encouragingly. Levi breathes in and exhales slowly before speaking again.

"My sister, Isabel, she was the light of my life. I loved her more than anything in the world. She was my kid sister, you see. There was only 4 and a half years between us, but she always had such a childlike outlook on the world that I always thought of her as such. But she was getting married about 4 and a half years ago, to my childhood best friend Farlan no less, and she was so excited. The thing is, she was pregnant at the time of her rehearsal dinner and was paranoid that she'd become too fat for her dress." Levi breathes out a rueful laugh, "Tch, she wasn't even 3 months gone, her bump was barely there. But it didn't matter, she had to look perfect."

"I can't help but notice that you talk about her in the past tense…" Eren notes, looking at Levi imploringly.

Levi nods, "That was the last night I ever saw her or Farlan alive."

"Oh my god Levi, I'm so sorry. What happened to them?" Eren asks sadly.

"I was on duty when they got married, so I was halfway across the world and couldn't be there to see them on the happiest day of their lives. I've watched the wedding video dozens of times in the last few years though, so I get to revel in just a little fraction of their joy, even if it's just for a little while. They moved to Shiganshina right after they got married, they'd already bought a massive three-bedroom house ridiculously cheap and it was ready for them to move right on in when they returned from their honeymoon. Apparently, it had belonged to a high-profile banker who had since gone on the run for embezzlement, hence why it was so low in price. That's where I went to after we fought, I wanted to see it.

They lived in that house for around three months, I constantly got updates on the progress of them painting the baby's room and their new ridiculous decorations for the front room that Izzy no doubt picked."

"Izzy?" Eren asks, looking slightly pale.

"Yeah, sorry, that was my name for her. I know it's childish, but it just kind of stuck." Levi explains , before continuing.

"Farlan was constantly saying how the house seemed too good to be true, and that thought was proven to be true. It was a February night when they became victims of a home invasion gone wrong. A kid, he was only about 20 at the time, broke into the house with a semi-automatic pistol, intending to raid the built in safe. It was mistaken identity, the kid must have thought that the corrupt banker was still living in the house, hoping to get a few grand out of it at the very least.

There wasn't an awful lot of information available, but from what I've been told, Farlan came down the stairs first and was met with the kid brandishing the gun. He demanded Farlan open the safe and when he'd tried to explain that the kid was mistaken, he got smacked in the face with the butt of the gun. He begged for Isabel and the baby to be spared, and he opened the safe with the code he'd been given when they moved in. When the safe turned out to be empty, the kid went into a blind rage and shot Farlan three times in the chest and once in the head, killing him instantly. Izzy heard the gunshots from upstairs so rushed down and started screaming. The kid panicked and shot her as well. Twice in the chest, twice in the stomach and once in the arm. She died before the paramedics or the police even turned up. One of the shots ripped right through her uterus, there was no chance of saving the baby either."

Levi lets his tears fall silently as he finishes the remainder of his wine and looks to Eren for the first time since opening up. Eren is pale white and looks to be on the edge of throwing up or sobbing uncontrollably, maybe both.

"Hey kid, I'm sorry, it's been a long time since I've spoken to anyone about that, I should have warned you beforehand." Levi begins to apologise.

"No! Don't you dare apologise. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you, and to them. They sound like they were such a loving little family and they had everything laid out in front of them. Their future was cruelly stolen from them, and that's something that can never be undone. I hope that whoever did this to them is suffering, that's he's sorry, that he remembers their faces for the rest of his days and knows that what he did was completely unforgiveable." Eren says between tears holding on to Levi's hand, "It'll never bring them back, but you should be able to go on believing that at the very least."

"They got the kid in the end. There was an anonymous tip from an unknown witness, told the police exactly what they saw and who it was. He was tried, pleaded guilty and he's still in prison serving a life sentence with no chance of parole. I couldn't even go to the court proceedings, but I was back in time for their funeral. It was probably better that way, I couldn't look at the bastard's face, I would still see it until this day if I had and would probably end up beating the shit out of anyone who looked remotely like him." Levi says matter of fact.

After a moment of silence, simply holding eachother's hand absentmindedly, Levi yawns and looks at his watch.

"Shit kid, it's getting late, and I'm not in any condition to drive. I'll call a cab and come pick up the car tomorrow morning." Levi says, attempting to stand.

"Don't be dumb, there's a perfectly good spare bedroom for you to sleep in. Nobody ever stays in there, I stay at my parents when I visit, and Mika always sleeps on the couch for some reason. It's pretty much completely unused." Eren insists.

Levi wants to argue, but against his better judgement, he agrees and follows Eren through to the perfectly clean looking bedroom. Eren leaves him with a soft goodnight and tells him to just call if he needs anything. Normally, he would give the place the once over before even attempting to climb into bed, but with the amount of wine he's consumed he's feeling a little tipsy and simply strips off his cardigan, pants and shoes.

As he lays in the comfortable, queen-sized bed, he hazily contemplates the events of the day, and lets himself fall into a dreamless sleep.

As Levi sleeps soundly in the other room, Eren paces his kitchen in a sheer panicked state.

He manages to calm down his breathing before he reaches hyperventilation and pulls out his cellphone.

The haze of his slightly drunken state makes it much harder to scroll and find the contact he's looking for, but when he does, he hits the dial button right away.

"Come on, pick up, pick up!" he begs, as he waits for the person to answer their phone.

"Eren? What's going on? It's 1am, are you okay?" Historia asks anxiously.

"No…. not really no….I just spent the last few hours opening up to Levi." Eren manages to explain.

"What happened? Did he not take it well?" She asks gently.

"No, he took it absolutely fine and that's the problem. We got talking more and we were getting a lot more comfortable with eachother, it was nice. I was curious, so I asked him to tell me something about himself and he ended up telling me about his family." Eren says, still trying to calm his erratic breathing, "He's going to hate me Historia, he's going to hate me, I just know it!"

"Eren, slow down, you're not making sense. So, Levi was telling you about his family. I don't understand, why would that make him hate you?" She asks bewildered.

Eren takes a long, sharp, deep breath before saying the words that had been practically screaming inside his head for the last hour or more.

"Because I think I killed his sister."